The papers were signed, the divorce was being processed and the marriage was about to end. Kyungsoo was glad, hearing about it. He can finally have Chanyeol all for himself, without having to worry about the marriage, the wedding ring. It may just seem like any other silver band like all the many others displayed in jewellery shops around town but Kyungsoo knew its worth, he knew perfectly.

Divorce was the only solution; it was the only thing he saw that could solve the guilt in him away. Kyungsoo was finally free from guilt, he was glad.

At least that was what he thought.

Having to let Chanyeol spend a week over at Baekhyun’s was probably the worst thing he have had to agree to, but it was a crucial step to get the divorce papers going, he had no choice but to agree. What could go wrong? It’s just a week. Nothing would change, right?

It’s hard to sleep at night without Chanyeol beside him. It’s hard to make breakfast for just one person; it’s hard to eat alone too. There are a lot more things Kyungsoo learned to be difficult doing by oneself in the past week.

On the eighth day, Chanyeol had finally come back from Baekhyun’s place, Kyungsoo was even more delighted. He was saved from another lonely breakfast spent alone; saved from unwanted days he’d spend alone.

The sight of Chanyeol in the apartment was very pleasing, to Kyungsoo’s world, Chanyeol brought colors, he brought in life. Chanyeol made Kyungsoo happy no matter what he does or says, Kyungsoo never took it as infatuation, it was always love. It had always been love.

Kyungsoo ran to Chanyeol and he was embraced, he felt warm. He’s happy. And there he felt a tug on his heart. “Have you had breakfast? I’m making breakfast, is there anything you’d like?” He asked with a bright smile on his face, Chanyeol looked at him. There’s uncertainty in Chanyeol’s eyes, Kyungsoo catches a glimpse of it when his gaze sweeps over to look over to Chanyeol but he completely failed in noticing. He failed to take in Chanyeol’s hesitance. “So is there anything you’d like?”

Chanyeol shrugs; he doesn’t know what he wants. Kyungsoo’s smile fades and an eyebrow rises, “Not even some milk? How about coffee, you look like you can use a mug.” Kyungsoo notices the sudden change in Chanyeol’s appetite. Has Baekhyun been feeding him well for the past week? Kyungsoo wonders to himself, worrying. Chanyeol nods at Kyungsoo’s suggestion before disappearing into their room.

Thinking Chanyeol was just tired of the past week, Kyungsoo dismisses his worry—who knows what kind of torture Baekhyun had him go through then—he heads to the kitchen, grabs a mug from the cupboard and starts mixing his usual black coffee, placing it on the table close to where he was seated.

Stirring the steaming beverage, he smiles. Kyungsoo knows how Chanyeol likes his coffee. He knows he’ll like it.

Kyungsoo finishes breakfast yet Chanyeol still hasn’t gotten out of the room. Kyungsoo only realizes once the teaspoon was in between his thumb and index finger, once again stirring. Kyungsoo had fought the urge to get into the room to where Chanyeol walked into earlier but he couldn’t fight it any longer. The beverage has gone cold.

The door hovers open, Kyungsoo slips his head through the door, looking for Chanyeol and when he sees his figure sprawled on the bed, asleep, he stops. A smile draws wide on his lips as he walks closer to the bed; he sits on the floor beside it, watching over the other who was peacefully sleeping. He’s happy Chanyeol’s back. He doesn’t have to worry anymore.

He’s home.

Like all other days in the past few weeks, Chanyeol would look into the mirror. He’d wrinkle his face, furrowing his eyebrows almost together, wearing a frown to match it all. Kyungsoo would be there to see with Chanyeol’s newly pressed shirt in his hands, Chanyeol is so adorable.

Chanyeol scrapes his eyes away from the mirror and gets the coat from Kyungsoo; he says a low ‘thank you’ before getting back in front of the mirror with the same wrinkling of his face, eyebrows still almost knitting, frowning yet again.

Kyungsoo smiles, Chanyeol is so cute when he’s worrying about his appearance, but in all honesty, Chanyeol doesn’t have the need to worry. He’s gorgeous in Kyungsoo’s eyes no matter what he wore or how funny his face looked like. He was so drawn into Chanyeol that his feet take him in between the taller man and the mirror. Kyungsoo runs his hands from Chanyeol’s stomach and towards his chest; Kyungsoo then takes Chanyeol’s tie and fixes it for him. There wasn’t really anything to fix, he just tightened the tie a little.

Kyungsoo catches Chanyeol’s breath. It was stiff and heavy. He’s really stressed. Kyungsoo is worried but doesn’t utter a word about it.

After the tie was alright in his eyes, Kyungsoo lets go and takes a hold of Chanyeol’s collar, he tugs on it lightly. His hands unfold from fists and rest against Chanyeol’s heaving chest. It’s pounding. Kyungsoo is lost in it.

Minutes are spent in a daze. “I love you.” Kyungsoo says unconsciously, what he said snapped him out of his bedazzlement. He lifts his head a little after he has said his sentence. He looks at Chanyeol’s still serious face. He looks at his eyes, trying to make eye contact. He looks at him, trying to draw his attention without physically shaking him. Kyungsoo’s lips part as he lets a deep breath out of his lungs. Unknowingly, Kyungsoo was looking for a reply.

Kyungsoo looks over his shoulder from the kitchen and sees Chanyeol examining himself seriously; today’s look seemed more of an angry look than serious. He smiles to himself as he fixes Chanyeol some sandwiches, though all he’s been asking for was a mug of coffee and nothing else. “Are you okay, Chanyeol?” He asks with a smile, trying to lift Chanyeol’s expression.

Chanyeol looks at Kyungsoo, smiles small and shrugs sheepishly, he returns to the mirror. Eyebrows furrow even more than before. Kyungsoo shakes his head with an amused smile on his face. He walks to where Chanyeol was, busy trying to fix things that don’t have the need to.

It’s been a month like this and Kyungsoo still considers it cute. He slips his arms around Chanyeol’s waist and swings their bodies slowly from side to side. He digs his face into Chanyeol’s clothed collarbone and inhales his scent. “I love you, Chanyeol.”

The taller simply nods and caresses the back of Kyungsoo’s head, brushing his lips softly against the smaller one’s forehead. He leaves later, Kyungsoo smiles.

Chanyeol doesn’t return Kyungsoo’s words. Kyungsoo doesn’t notice.

Half way to three months, it’s the same every morning. Kyungsoo meets Chanyeol at the door, kisses him goodbye and watches his figure disappear behind metallic elevator doors. It’s the same every morning. He stays leaning on the wall where the door frame to the apartment was. Kyungsoo was starting to notice.

Even when Chanyeol came home from work—if ever he has time to. Kyungsoo would fall asleep in the midst of reading a book, waiting for Chanyeol even past 2, even when it’s bespeaking he wouldn’t.

Excuses were losing their effect.

Kyungsoo doesn’t give up though.

Mornings are cold for Kyungsoo; he isn’t awoken by Chanyeol’s warmth unlike their past few months, instead, he wakes to an orange light from the lamp on his nightstand, a pair of glasses resting on the bridge of his nose and a book on the floor, the last page he was reading lost. The bookmark is always somewhere on the bed beside him where Chanyeol’s weight is supposed to be on.

Tired eyes would blink more than twice, longer than the usual blink, clearing his sight. The light from the window is quite overwhelming and Chanyeol’s presence wasn’t there to make up for it.

Kyungsoo sees Chanyeol asleep on the couch, still in his work clothes. He’s tired from work, is an excuse Kyungsoo had just started not to believe in anymore. Kyungsoo’s eyes drop to the floor near his feet and back on Chanyeol. His thick lips purse, his breathing deepens. It became difficult.

Never once since he came back from that 1 week did he even try to drag his feet towards the room, where there’s a comfortable bed waiting for him. There was also someone waiting to be wrapped into a warm hug during his sleep. There was him waiting for Chanyeol. But he never came.

Breakfasts and mornings are new beginnings, but everything was the same. Kyungsoo would be mixing the same black coffee and place it on the coffee table, and have his own breakfast of bacon and eggs. It was a similar routine every morning.

Almost three months and Kyungsoo had just noticed.

In the morning, Chanyeol would look at the mirror with the same expression every day. In his eyes Chanyeol was just cutely pouting at himself. He never realized that the tensed facial muscles, furrowed eyebrows and huge frown actually meant something. He thought Chanyeol was just being so adorable in his eyes and nothing more.

Hot water was poured into his usual mug, it turns black in an instant, steam comes from it; Kyungsoo takes a teaspoon and stirs the mixture. He places it on the coffee table; he crouches down beside the couch and cups Chanyeol’s cheek. “Wake up sleepy head.” He tries to smile and kisses Chanyeol’s nose. He beams when Chanyeol’s eyes flutter open. “Good morning,” He says with a smile. Chanyeol just smiles back.

For the first time again in a long while, Kyungsoo was able to sense sincerity. Chanyeol’s eyes weren’t exclaiming it, it was weak but it was somewhere; there was something.

“I fixed you coffee.” Kyungsoo was trying hard not to be giddy about it because after months, there was finally something. His heart was pounding in his ears.

But it only lasted for a week till everything was back to the cold.

Kyungsoo hasn’t been noticing.

“I love you.” Chanyeol only nods and leaves for work. Before walking out the door, he turns back to Kyungsoo and brushes his lips against his forehead. If it had not been a week, Kyungsoo wouldn’t have realized that the “kisses” have just been lips quickly grazing over his skin.

 “You shouldn’t have asked him to sign the papers.” Kyungsoo breaks the silence over breakfast.

“What are you talking about?” Chanyeol asks, trying to take a sip of the coffee.

Kyungsoo’s eyes direct at him but he doesn’t lift his head. He gets back to his oatmeal and lifts his spoon. “I’m not numb Chanyeol, so please.” He takes the silverware into his mouth.

“You’re still in love with him, aren’t you?”

There wasn’t a reply.

“Answer me, Park Chanyeol!” He yells, throwing his spoon on the porcelain bowl. Once his words were said, they were again enveloped in silence. Chanyeol sits far across from him, drinking the coffee Kyungsoo has prepared. His shoulders drop and mug gently laid on the wooden table, his eyes didn’t come off from the gaze on the chair right next to him.

Kyungsoo shakes his head, his heart heavy. He wants to walk out but decides to stay and finish breakfast.

Always been earlier than Chanyeol up, Kyungsoo stirs the usual beverage on the countertop. Over this, he learns that having dark chocolate with black coffee dispels the bitterness. He also learns it’s difficult to replace Baekhyun.

Kyungsoo knows how Chanyeol likes his coffee, Baekhyun also does.

Kyungsoo also learns that he has been trying to believe in a lot of excuses. Excuses like when he thinks Chanyeol was just tired every night to come into the bedroom to sleep beside him, that’s why he ends up sleeping on the couch.

He learns that Chanyeol doesn’t reply when he says he loves him before he goes off to work.

He learns that he was so indulged in his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed how he spent his breakfast the day Chanyeol came back alone.

Divorce was just another excuse.

And so was he.

And he had to learn it like this.

Over time, Kyungsoo has gotten used to it, waking up alone in the morning, nobody to tug the blanket from. He’s gotten used to walking past the couch where Chanyeol sleeps on every night. He’s gotten used to mixing Chanyeol coffee and placing it on the coffee table in the living room a few feet from the couch.

He’s used to it.

One morning, Kyungsoo’s eyes open to what used to be an overwhelming light. He’s also used to it now.

He’s used to sit up on the side of the bed, turn the lamp he left on the night before off, place his glasses on the nightstand, picking up the book he dropped falling asleep from the floor. He’s used to looking for the page he was last on though he has quite forgotten. He places his bookmark between the pages he assumes were his last. The book is placed on the nightstand with the rest of his things. All are forgotten and will be remembered sometime around midnight.

This morning, he decides to stay in bed the whole day. He decides to miss work, pressing Chanyeol’s coat for him, everything.

He decides to wait for today. He waits for something different to happen. He hopes for something unlike from everyday routines.

A part of him knows it’s absurd.

In the morning Chanyeol always settles for only black coffee, not even a slice of bread, not even for some instant noodles. It’s always just plain black coffee. He rarely sits down with Kyungsoo at the dining table, one of those rare days was today and he chose to read the sports section of the newspaper. He doesn’t do it anymore, reading the daily news paper. Kyungsoo was quite surprised.

Because of this, Chanyeol’s cheeks were now hollow. His fat cheeks have gone. The bone on his wrist was now showing, and above every other, he was near to just barely skin and bones.

The entire room was quiet. It was heavy.

“You should at least eat something, Chanyeol.” Kyungsoo says before taking a spoonful of soup. “Every morning’s just a mug of black coffee for you. That’s really unhealthy, you know.”

“I don’t feel like having breakfast.” Chanyeol simply says. He says this, solely because he can’t remember anything other than a steaming mug on Baekhyun’s table the day he left. He has always assumed it was coffee, the way Baekhyun had always liked it: with milk and sugar.

Kyungsoo breathes in, “I’m worrying about you and all you say is that you don’t feel like having breakfast?” He tries his best not to yell. He was able to but unsuccessful to ask without his voice cracking a little. “At least tell me something more interesting than that.”

“The last thing I saw Baekhyun having was coffee.” Chanyeol’s eyes were still on inked words on dull paper. Kyungsoo was taken aback. “Well?” Chanyeol finally looks away from the reading material; he looks at the other’s eyes, staring into his soul. “You wanted something interesting, right?” Kyungsoo was silent. “Were you at least prepared for the truth?”

The smaller inhales the heavy air surrounding them, exhaling it quickly. He wasn’t prepared for Chanyeol’s answer.

“Yes, I’m still in love with Baekhyun. I fell in love with him in that one week. Are you happy? I’ve answered your questions, are there anymore follow-ups? I can still answer them honestly.”

There was nothing but thin air separating words and silence.

“No more?” Chanyeol raises an eyebrow and folds the newspaper, leaving it beside the mug of his unfinished coffee. “Then, you have to excuse me. I have work.” He stands from the chair and motions to the living room, grabbing his suitcase and looking at the mirror, angrier than ever. He leaves his reflection and walks to the door, carelessly slipping his feet in to his shoes.

“I keep waiting for you!” Kyungsoo exclaims from behind, leaving Chanyeol in a halt of grabbing the doorknob and twisting it open for him to storm out. He stops but he doesn’t look around and face Kyungsoo.

“I keep waiting for you, Park Chanyeol.” Kyungsoo sobs, Chanyeol can hear steps, slippers sliding against the wooden floor. Thin arms wrap around his waist. Kyungsoo’s hold was weak but Chanyeol wasn’t able to get out of it. “I keep waiting for you at night. I keep waiting for you to slip into bed beside me and hold me like this, Chanyeol. But you never come. In the morning, I push myself into believing that you only fall asleep on the couch because you’re too tired. But never once did you try to come for the past 4 months.”

His coat was made out of thick material, making Chanyeol unaware of the warm tears trickling Kyungsoo’s cheeks. “I keep waiting for you every day. I don’t say anything, I’m just right here, waiting for you. Every single day. I’m getting tired, Chanyeol.”

He gets out of Kyungsoo’s weak hold, Chanyeol finally turns to him. “If you’re so tired, why don’t you just stop waiting and leave!” Chanyeol shouts, he wasn’t asking. It had just been clear to Kyungsoo that Chanyeol won’t try to stop him.

“Because waiting for you proves something to me!” Kyungsoo shouts back, voice trembling, eyes showering tears. Time for Chanyeol stops. “I love you is why I’m waiting!”

“Well I don’t feel the same, Kyungsoo! Don’t you get why I don’t get into bed with you anymore? Why I don’t reply to your ‘I love you’s? Don’t you get anything?”

“I don’t want answers, Chanyeol.” Kyungsoo says weakly, his head down, hair covering his eyes. “I want you to love me. I want you to feel the way I do. But not for Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo finally lifts his head. Tear-stained eyes meet a pair of dry ones.

“Love me, Chanyeol.” Kyungsoo takes two steps forward. “Please, Chanyeol.” He sobs, slowly dropping to his knees. “Love me.”

Chanyeol shakes his head. He runs away, leaving Kyungsoo, unanswered, yet once again.

Kyungsoo remains balled up by the door, clutching his stomach and crying. He felt like a used paper that Chanyeol committed a mistake on, ripped and crumpled and thrown away somewhere.

“How late am I?”

Chanyeol leaves Kyungsoo unanswered, eyes in tears. He drives to work; he arrives but decides to leave right away.

“Because waiting for you proves something to me.” Kyungsoo’s answer echoes in his head as he drives off somewhere in an attempt to run away from everything. He drives out of the city but not in the direction of Baekhyun’s home but elsewhere. It didn’t matter where; he needed to be away even for just now, even for just a minute. He leaves. The skyscrapers turn into aged trees, the highways for busy vehicles become crossroads for some forest animals.

He couldn’t believe that it was happening. Another relationship deteriorating. It’s sickening. To experience of something similar to what has been before.

In their marriage, there had been a lack of communication, Baekhyun never said anything. Baekhyun didn’t stop Chanyeol from leaving, effort absent.

It never came into Chanyeol’s head that Baekhyun never said a thing, that he never kept Chanyeol from leaving because work would always have him walking away from home. Work has always been greater than Baekhyun. Chanyeol had always been blind to Baekhyun’s reason.

The thought that he needed to put some effort, that he also needed to do something for their marriage never came into his mind.

He never realized until everything almost came to a sudden stop.

Back then, even if Baekhyun argued with Chanyeol about it, Chanyeol would be stubborn, headstrong that he can’t hear his husband’s concerns.

Every beginning of the day, there was a part in Chanyeol that’s hoping. He hopes his phone would ring and Baekhyun would try to talk him to call off the divorce. He sits in his office and waits though he knows there’s nothing.

Opening the door to Baekhyun’s lawyer one morning and crumbling onto the floor after being told that Baekhyun had brain cancer, didn’t stop him from hoping. But he knew there would be nothing.

Contrary to Baekhyun’s silence, here was Kyungsoo trying, fighting for his feelings, fighting for Chanyeol, fighting for a relationship that formed while another was degenerating.

Tired of waiting and being waited for, Chanyeol drives back. As he does, a question runs through Chanyeol’s mind, eyes submerged in tears.

What if Baekhyun had done the same?

Could Chanyeol have stayed?

Even if Baekhyun did, would Chanyeol still walk away?

Chanyeol arrives to the apartment. Inside was dark, only the light in the kitchen was open. He walks into the dining room, he sees Kyungsoo eating something in the kitchen, eyes red and swollen, not sparing him a glance, and no coffee for him.

He walks behind Kyungsoo, he was eating some dark chocolate and drinking coffee, the way Chanyeol likes it. He encloses the smaller in a hug; his motions come to a stop. “I’m sorry,” Chanyeol exhales behind Kyungsoo’s ears.

Kyungsoo remains silent; he swallows the last of the chocolate he’s been chewing. He already knows that he’s approximately 127 days late.

END