II. DISTANT MELODIES

Baekhyun holds the lyrics in one hand; thinking why Chanyeol didn’t sing the lines that night. The title of the song was ‘Roses of the Sky’ and Baekhyun has a feeling Chanyeol wrote it a long time ago because no matter how many times he deny it, the song was obviously written for him.

I hope you sleep at night

Thinking if things aren’t fine

Somewhere up in the clouds

You’ll find roses of the sky

Chanyeol leaves lines that way; always deep but never vivid. Baekhyun unglues the small paper from the lyric and finds out that Chanyeol wrote something on the back. Where has time taken you?

That night Baekhyun wanted to dial Chanyeol’s mobile number; hoping that it’s still the one saved in his phone. But it was nearly midnight and he knows Chanyeol might already be asleep.

But Chanyeol wasn’t. He was yet in front of his piano, just staring at the keys. He tries to recall how playing for fifty people or more felt like a while ago in the exhibit. He remembers how Baekhyun said the words ‘That was beautiful’ and how much he wanted to believe it was; even if the song didn’t give him the usual things it does: a sure mind and a peaceful heart. When Chanyeol finished that song exactly a year and seven months ago, he always thought that playing it for his love one day would feel perfect and not miserable at its best. The people may have applauded for it and Baekhyun may have liked it, but while Chanyeol was playing it all those people didn’t hear his thoughts, didn’t see that even if he seemed at ease he was actually hurting inside. Yes, Baekhyun was there to hear his song. But he was there with another man, who Chanyeol thinks is probably his new partner now. The vision on the greens and everything blue felt great but opening his eyes provided more. Kris told Chanyeol to stop thinking about such things. But how can he? He was hoping Baekhyun would have called by now. Or even worse, he would’ve been here sitting beside Chanyeol clearing things out.

The keys sounded different tonight. It’s as if the melodies hang. Even if Chanyeol uses his heart, the melody just feels so distant.

“Take care of yourself,” Kai says. He was now going back to the States to continue his modelling career, promising Baekhyun that he’d come back when time allows. The past four days scared him, seeing Baekhyun’s confused face and knowing that it was because of Chanyeol. Baekhyun thanks Kai for being there when he needs him. He told him he might go back in the US too if Seoul won’t give him the break he needs. Kai just nods. In fact, he didn’t let that thought in. Until now, things between him and Baekhyun are left unsaid. There was never anything official even if Kai told Baekhyun that he likes him.

“You too.” Baekhyun bids. Knowing that this means not seeing Kai in the next days and weeks, he hugs him. “I’ll miss you, Kai.”

“You will?” Kai challenged. He didn’t wish for Baekhyun to promise him anything.

Baekhyun smiles. “Of course.”

“In the future let’s still be this way,” Kai finalized his farewell. Saying that did something to his heart. He knows what time did to Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s relationship. He knows theirs might reach that ending too. But hoping is sometimes good. Hoping saves the worries.

Baekhyun just hugs him tighter, not wanting Kai to see his hidden tears. A few minutes from now Kai would have left, leaving him to handle matters alone. Matters he wished he could tell him.

Matters Baekhyun wished he could just let go off easily and move on from.

April 15. Year 2012.

A certain café invited Baekhyun for their opening date, asking him to take photographs of the ribbon-cutting ceremony. Baekhyun had to search for maps not to get lost and the café turns out to be the vacant lot near Chanyeol’s condo two years ago. He has one thing in mind before commuting to the event.

Baekhyun still has a duplicate key to Chanyeol’s condo. He figured it wouldn’t be right to use it and act as if he’s still welcome as before. Chanyeol just finished taking a shower trying to towel-dry his hair when he heard a knock on the door. He was in his plain white shirt and he couldn’t help but wonder who to expect in a morning as hot as fried omelettes and coffee. He opens the door and their eyes meet.

Baekhyun simply handed over ‘Roses of the Sky’ without saying Hi or Good Morning. Chanyeol looks down at the paper but didn’t accept it. “I don’t need it.” Forgetting the lyrics was intentional. The song was for Baekhyun so Chanyeol left it by the piano that night.

“It’s yours.” Baekhyun tried once more. Chanyeol took it. Baekhyun turned to leave. “That’s all? You came all the way here just to give me this?” Chanyeol waved the paper in the air even if Baekhyun wasn’t facing him.

Baekhyun gazed down at his watch. “I’m quite in a hurry,” he said. He hates himself for speaking less at times when he should be the one explaining more. He started walking away again but Chanyeol stopped him again.

“Just one question.” It sounded like a plea to Baekhyun’s ears. He waited.

“Two years ago you asked me to wait for you but when you came back you didn’t go see me. Why?” Chanyeol said out the words clearly.

To this, Baekhyun doesn’t know what to say or how to response. If he did, he might say the wrong words. He didn’t want to say something that he’s not thought of thoroughly about. So he just leaves.

Chanyeol was left standing in the doorway thinking things might hurt less if Baekhyun just let slipped ‘Because two years ago I loved you but when I came back I don’t love you anymore’. To him, that was where all of this is headed.

He scanned the lyrics in his hand. Baekhyun has removed the little note he glued to it. Maybe Chanyeol no longer needs to wait. Maybe ‘waiting’ stops officially today.

The ribbon-cutting ended before Baekhyun can even think of what to do afterwards. He was thinking of going to the mall to look for new lenses for his camera when his phone rang. He looked at who was calling and a smile lifted his cheeks.

“Hey,” Baekhyun greets, as if the person was in front of him.

“How did the opening go?” Kai asked. He’s still the one who gets all the news about Baekhyun; he’s still the one Baekhyun chooses to confide things in his life with.

“It was fine. The manager was nice and they treated me with good coffee and some pies,” Baekhyun shares. “How’s Vogue?” he did not forget Kai’s latest modelling appointment.

He heard Kai snigger. “You remember,” Kai finds it amusing. He wanted to ask Baekhyun how matters with Chanyeol was going; he’s most curious about that. But hearing Baekhyun’s voice from the other line and realizing he sounds okay stopped Kai from asking. It’s Baekhyun’s private life after all. “My schedule’s kind of full but everything’s cool. I got a new endorsement for a clothing brand just yesterday.”

“Wow, congratulations!” Baekhyun’s always enthusiastic whenever Kai tells him of his feats. Baekhyun knows how hardworking he is. Kai is someone who always aims high and doesn’t care ‘bout the walls he meet along the way. I’d rather bend than break; that was his favorite line.

“Thanks. Well, I only called to ask how you are and…I’ll call you again next time,” Kai said after a while. “I love you, Baekhyun.”

He ends the call after saying those four words. Sometimes Baekhyun would hate himself every time Kai tells him he loves him. It simply reminds Baekhyun that there are things he still hasn’t confirmed to Kai and things he hasn’t fixed with Chanyeol. Baekhyun weighed his heart. Chanyeol will not wait forever, Baekhyun would be the most insensitive guy if he ever let that happen. No, he won’t let that happen. He wouldn’t leave Chanyeol in broken promises.

Baekhyun spent hours roaming at the mall. He managed to buy nothing. His mind just wouldn’t let him have some good time alone. The sun has set outside and Baekhyun was thinking of going back to Chanyeol’s condo but was hesitating because of what happened to them that morning.

But time hassled and Baekhyun picked the better choice. While he was on his way to Chanyeol’s condo, he started to fear. Chanyeol still does things to him. Baekhyun still feels his knees weak in front of him. His heart still goes in a riot near him and he still longs for Chanyeol’s touch and embrace. By the time the cab has finally dropped him off, Baekhyun stands outside Chanyeol’s place feeling hopeful and hopeless at the same time. There weren’t keys playing or channel-clicking. He wonders if Chanyeol was still awake. Baekhyun knocks.

Chanyeol must have left, he thought. Baekhyun considers leaving but something stopped him. He has the duplicate key with him. If Chanyeol’s not inside he could take a minute to see how the condo looks now; he missed the place after all. But what if Chanyeol was just sleeping? Baekhyun sighs. He got the key from his backpack and opens the door.

It’s still exactly how it was two years ago. The newspapers on top of the couch, the piano beside the sofa, some lyrics scattered on the floor, and the curtains tied. Chanyeol has left the fan on. Baekhyun’s heart begins to tighten. He missed the place so much. He remembers how he’d lay his head on Chanyeol’s shoulder when they were in the piano, how mornings had him in the kitchen cooking for their breakfast and nights they’d just sit watching random shows on TV. He goes to Chanyeol’s room.

Chanyeol’s bedroom door was half-open. Baekhyun slowly opens it wider.

Chanyeol’s there. He was in deep sleep. It’s the first time Baekhyun saw his Happy V again, just resting there wearing his checkered pajamas and plain white v-neck shirt. The door to the veranda was open, letting the night breeze in. It’s half-moon tonight.

Baekhyun didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know if he should wake Chanyeol up or not. He didn’t know whether to leave or stay. But he knew two things: that when he leaves, he’ll regret going here for nothing and that when he stays, he’d probably wouldn’t want to ever leave again. He walks to sit on the bed making sure it wouldn’t wake Chanyeol. The clock on the bedside table shows it’s nearly eleven. Baekhyun wants to wrap his arms around Chanyeol. Being here with him gives several things away. Baekhyun told himself he’ll stay just for a couple more minutes and go. He remembers making love to Chanyeol in this bed. He remembers Chanyeol whispering to his ears that he loves him. Two years ago he never imagined being this way, he never even thought he’d one day feel so hesitant touching Chanyeol. If there’s anything Baekhyun realized just now, it’s the fact that this man beside him would probably always have a place in his now-selfish heart.

He decides to go after what seemed like hours but finds himself still wanting to stay. Chanyeol hasn’t wakened yet. After thinking it over again, Baekhyun gave up. He removed his shoes and lay beside Chanyeol not ever touching him. There they were, face to face, one pair of eyes open while the other’s closed. Time drifted away and Baekhyun has finally fallen asleep too.

April 16. Year 2012.

When Baekhyun wakes at two in the morning, he was wrapped up in Chanyeol’s arms. Their bodies as one, he could almost smell Chanyeol’s scent by laying his head on his chest. The sudden feels made Baekhyun cry. He just wants to lie here all night and act as if he and Chanyeol never had things to fix or cure. He kept his sobs to himself but Chanyeol was already awake before him. “I missed you here,” Chanyeol whispered. Neither of them breaks away. Chanyeol heard Baekhyun’s little cries and even if he has his own wrecked heart to worry, he hushed Baekhyun.

Baekhyun’s body started to quiver as he sobs but Chanyeol only tightens his embrace. “Let’s use one night.” Chanyeol supplicates and Baekhyun didn’t argue. For the first time again in two years, they felt together.

Baekhyun woke first. Sun was shining from the windows and Chanyeol’s arm was still around Baekhyun’s waist. He tried to move away slowly and walked outside to make breakfast.

By the time he’s finished in the kitchen Chanyeol still hasn’t wakened. Baekhyun decides to leave. After all he still has work to do. When he was about to close the door behind him, he heard someone from his back talk.

“Hey Baek.” The voice didn’t sound happy to see him; just a plain greeting. He turned and sees Kris standing right behind him.

“Kris,” he acknowledged. If it were two years ago they’d have approached each other and give pats on the back. Today that will not happen, for they clearly just stood there looking at each other.

Kris has a lot to say, in fact, he wants to ask Baekhyun many questions for Chanyeol’s sake. But he resisted himself and said nothing more.

“Tell Chanyeol I cooked him breakfast.” Baekhyun removed the key realizing it’d be pointless closing the door because Kris is obviously entering. He handed them to Kris.

Kris nods. Baekhyun walked pass him to leave.

“Baekhyun. Why are you doing this?” Kris called before completely losing sight of his friend.

Baekhyun turned to face him and answers, “I missed him.” And if he was being honest he’d add I still love him.

“Do you, now? So you missed him two years afterwards but while you were there separated from him you didn’t seem to, is that it? How strange.” Kris retorts.  

To this Baekhyun feels utterly guilty.

“I’m your friend, Baekhyun. But I’m Chanyeol’s friend too. Just please. Don’t do things that will just hurt him more.” And with that, Kris ended their conversation and walked inside Chanyeol’s condo without another glance at Baekhyun.

Sometimes being the common friend of two people currently in a bad situation is hard. It makes you take sides. And hoping to fix things between them, you always hope you choose the friend who’s being more reasonable and right. Not to tell the other that he’s wrong in every way but to make him realize that at one point, he was.

Kris threw one pillow at Chanyeol’s snoring face. “Wake up, Yeol!”

“Why do you have to throw the pillow to wake me up?!” Chanyeol complained, throwing back the pillow at Kris who only laughs.

“Come on, Baekhyun cooked. Not breakfast in bed but breakfast in the kitchen, now get up!” Kris knows saying this will bring Chanyeol to his senses. He was absolutely right.

When they reached the kitchen, Chanyeol asked out “Where’s Baek?” to which Kris simply says “Back to his transformed abnormal self. He’s already left.”

Chanyeol didn’t laugh. Just last night he was happy, with Baekhyun beside him. And now Baekhyun’s gone again; reminding him that last night’s a temporary bliss.

“Stop frowning and eat. We’re hanging out afterwards. No time to waste.” Kris said like a boss.

“What are we doing here?”

They were at the park. The sun was lit like a hot candle just an inch away from your face and Saturday burns like a reserved fossil.

“We’re going to have fun.” Kris replies with a wink at the end. Chanyeol almost rolled his eyes.

They rode bicycles and raced. The day allowed no dull moments and Kris was getting what he aimed for: Chanyeol’s peace of mind.

“You ready for tomorrow?” Kris said while they’re eating ice cream.

“Tomorrow?” Chanyeol repeated. He can’t remember making an appointment for tomorrow.

Kris shook his head. “How could you forget? You signed the contract two weeks ago.”

And that’s when it hits Chanyeol. Two weeks ago, he sold all his songs to a record company, thinking that keeping them in his condo was pointless because things with Baek was obviously ruining. It happened that night at Baekhyun’s exhibit. After playing the piano, a man named Oh Sehun approached Chanyeol and asked him if he was in any way interested in recording his compositions. But Chanyeol said he just got into an audition a few days ago and turned that down after a week, making Sehun asked a different question: “So your songs…will you ever consider selling the copyrights to my team?” Chanyeol signed the papers a week after that.

“Did I make the right decision?” Chanyeol now asked at his friend.

“I don’t know. Do you think you did?” To Kris, selling Chanyeol’s songs was like selling his talent. He wants Chanyeol to realize that. But those songs were written for Baekhyun and keeping them is like drowning your mind with the same memories all the time. Sometimes you have to let go of things to be able to move forward. That too was true for Kris.

“Tomorrow they’ll release the audio for Roses of the Sky, right?”

“Yes. That’s what they said.” Kris confirms even though Chanyeol already knows it.

Nobody among them spoke in the next minutes. Kris was starting to worry what Chanyeol’s thinking of. Until his friend speaks again, “Can I take it back?”

“You mean you want to talk to them and what, erase the contract? Why?”

Because it’s his songs, Chanyeol wants to slap at Kris’s face. But how can he? He decided to sign that contract on his own. He didn’t ask anyone for advice. He only told Kris three days afterwards. Chanyeol tries to recall why and how he came up with that decision.

Three weeks ago, he was mad at Baekhyun. It was during that span of time when he felt like he was the only one fighting for nothing. It was during that span of time when Baekhyun came back to Seoul and acted as if he knew no Chanyeol there. It was during that span of time when Chanyeol thought things with Baekhyun will cure in a matter of seconds not days. But today makes the fourth week. Four weeks of not knowing if things with Baekhyun will ever return to how it was.

“It’s like giving away an important part of me.” Chanyeol was able to reply.

He wrote those songs during those times he felt whole. Those times he believed Baekhyun was missing him too. And those times he knew, not hoped, that Baekhyun was still his.

“Chanyeol, it’s almost a month ago. Two years and four months, if I’m being more accurate here. Until now, all you got was a single night with him. A night together without even talking! What are you still expecting? That tomorrow he’ll come back again, without notice, sleep beside you again, and say nothing again? That’s crap. Why can’t you just forget him? How can seven months of being in love weigh greater than two years and four months of hanging? Chanyeol…”

Kris wanted to say more. He wanted to help his friend move his feet and not get stuck in steady time. But Chanyeol was hurting in a way he cannot understand and Kris only has a few words to say before tolerating his friend’s silence. “Tomorrow is always a new day. You can’t possibly use every tomorrow thinking it’d offer you what it had yesterday. You can’t always go back, Chanyeol. What would you see if all you did was look back?” 

Baekhyun was in the middle of a student’s uniform photoshoot, when his phone vibrated in his pocket.

It was a message from Chanyeol.

I don’t know if you’re still using this number. But if you are, I just want you to know that I sent you an email. If you have time, please read it. It might be my last email to you.

One word caught Baekhyun’s attention: last.

He reached his apartment at two midnight. It surprises him that even if he was dead tired he wasn’t sleepy. He can’t remove Chanyeol’s message from his mind. He his laptop and logged in.

04/16/12 23:00 KST

Baek.

I know things had been hard. I actually still feel miserable. These days I’ve been asking myself the question ‘Where are we now?’ and I never got a clue of how to answer that myself.

What happened and why it happened started to occupy my mind ever since you came back. Do you even ask yourself the same questions? Do you even think about that and this? I don’t know.

Happy: that used to be how everything was. Happy, fine, contented, complete, that’s our definition. I no longer feel that. And the thing that troubles me most is how come that also changed? Why?

I loved you, Baek. There was never a time that I told myself I didn’t. Two years ago, I knew I would wait for you because I knew you would come back to me. Two years ago, I wouldn’t have cared if I told you I love you and got no reply because you made me feel the answers somehow. But Baek…

I’m starting to get sick of saying ‘two years ago’ over again. What about two years later? Why can’t I make myself absorb that? Why can’t you clarify that to me? When in fact, with all my heart, I know I deserved an explanation or an apology, whichever may come first.

That night at your exhibit I gave back what you left. And I don’t know if you noticed but there was a question I wrote. Would you mind asking me the same?

I had my answers ready. I wrote it down on the calendar I used in crossing out the days while waiting for two years to pass. You came into my condo last night, did you reach that far from the door and took time to read? If you did, you would’ve read these words:

“Time has taken me to a point where I realized that even through the longest distance my feelings for you wouldn’t change. That even if you’re too far away I can still love you the way I used to. It made me realized how much I’d miss you when you’re not around. And to a certain extent, time proved that my love for you could be this strong; it has survived the miles.”

Baekhyun, I loved you that much. But just today I realized…

You can’t fight in a battlefield alone. At the time I lost my strength, I started losing the reasons too.

In less than an hour, I’d be facing tomorrow differently. I think from now on I’d handle it fairly well. You can do the same. If in the streets or subway I see you again…

It was nice meeting you, Baek.

Chanyeol