Calm Envy

Description

Soft jealousy lingering in Rukis chest.

Foreword

Your scent is lingering in this room, so softly and gently. It is as if I can touch it. Feel it. Feel you. However, you aren't here. You never were. Your heart and mind were always somewhere else, wasn't it? Never with me. Never next to me. Were you happy, when we laid next to each other, when we shared body heat and became one? Were you happy, or your mind was lost in the dreams at those special moments too?
 
As my mouth makes a sound that seems just like your name, this room becomes even more empty. It's empty without you. I'm empty without you.
Were you happy when we made the memories in this room? I mean, the happy memories. The jokes, laughs and silly remarks. I remember them all. Do you? 
 
No response. 
 
Just the lingering scent of your presence. 
 
This now colourless room reminds me of the days when you smiled. The fake smiles. Were you happy? What a silly little question. Though I didn't see it. I just looked at your risen pinky cheeks and that wide curve on your face year after year and everything was better. Better for me. My eyes were clouded and misty when I looked at you. I haven't realised how unhappy you were. Selfish? I know.
 
Why didn't you tell me? No response. Just dancing pictures of the memories of you. 
 
Always the happy memories. I always kept and looked at the best of you. 
 
Though you killed me. You slowly made me love you so much where I couldn't live without you. I fell for you so deeply. Though, not the real you. The real you was lost in the dreams. 
 
Was I happy? Yes. I chased your dreams with you. As long as I was by your side, the world seemed like a brighter place. 
A place where nothing mattered except you and me. 
 
Just like this room, it was filled with dreams and hopes. Though, now no more. Now just memories are dancing a waltz of death. 
Little sharp knives at my chest.
 
I miss you. 
 
Or maybe it will. That other person will be better for you. That's what you told me. And, I simply believed it. Why didn't I fight for your feelings?
No one can respond, but me. I knew you will be happy.
 
But are you happy now? 
 
I hope. I hope he chases your dreams alongside with you.
 
I didn't want us to end. I don't want to be separated from you. 
 
As I breath in deeply my lungs become filled with the soft and gentle scent of yours. I will never forget it. Your essence is buried in my veins. 
I light a cigarette of my favourite brand. Now our scents can mix and stay forever. Unlike us. The strong smell of tobacco slowly rises in the air. Creating the scent that I remember so well. The scent of you and me. 
 
I close the door, leaving you and me behind. I will look, but I won't see the future. 
 
As I step into the empty world I make a pledge to myself, or rather you; 
 
I will try harder. I will become a better person just for you. So, I hope, we can meet each other again. With true smiles on our faces.

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