I am denying it.

               Out of spite.

               I don’t like him at all.

               I am denying it.

               I’ll show Kim Himchan.

               I am denying it, motherer. I hope I burn down the world.

               I spent my day off writing a list, actually. A large list consisting reasons why I didn’t like Jung Daehyun. There were quite a lot of things on the list. So many things that I had actually tricked myself into thinking that what I did was actually something productive for once.

               Reason number one: Dickhyun is a complete .

               I think that’s a given.

               Reason number two: he does the stupidest things ever. He’s always lost, but not in the cute way like Jongup usually is, but in the stupid way. He also believes a lot of bull and is quite possibly the most oblivious guy on earth. He’s so lucky he’s good looking because his brain really doesn’t do him justice in my honest opinion.

               Reason number three: his ing smile should be illegal. My eyes burn every time I see it. It hurts like a thousand suns and I just want to slap that smile right off his face. Why must he always smile? Why does everyone in this goddamn building smile so much?

               Reason number four: those times when I can’t read his expressions. That should be illegal, too. It’s not fair that I don’t get to see a part of him sometimes. Why can’t he be easy to read? Why does he always have to be so weird?

               Reason number five: he’s a ing cocky that’s way in over his head.

               Self-explanatory, really.

               I could keep going if I wanted to, but I won’t. Not because I have no other good reasons, no, but because I don’t have the energy to keep going. Those are the main ones though. All the other ones are petty and meticulous and stupid and boring and I’m stupid and boring and I wish Jung Daehyun just came back to me already because my life is stupid and boring and—

               —So I’m at Junhong and Jongup’s place.

               The two of them managed to somehow drag me out of my apartment this weekend and forced me to hang out with them, complaining about not having enough “Ice Cream Line Time.” Except when they said it, they said it in English, so it sounded more like “Iceu Creameu Rime Time.” At least it rhymed.

               They wanted to show me a dance they were working on for a talent show they decided to sign up for. They had Yongguk compile a few songs together for them to dance to, which he did because he is the best hyung on earth, and they both choreographed the dance. They seemed pretty excited when they sat me down on a chair in front of an empty space where they’d dance. They were prepping each other up like this was an actual stage. You gotta admire their passion.

               So there they were, dancing to some American music again that I didn’t quite recognize all that well, but the tune did ring a bell. They were doing all the latest dance trends along with adding their own moves to it: pops, locks, b-boying, breakdancing, a lot of stuff that a stiff bum like me couldn’t even live up to. I was confused throughout the entire thing, but also happy. Really happy because seeing those two happy made me happy. Plus what they were doing looked pretty dangerous, but also pretty cool. A nice combination, like bibimbap, if you ask me.

               The music transitioned smoothly, and suddenly the atmosphere and vibes of their dance changed from energetic to smooth. These guys were like two years younger than me and they had more talent and skill than I had to offer. Sure I could sing sometimes, but I couldn’t dance for . At least, I didn’t think I could. Nah, I’m pretty sure I can’t (but I am better than Himchan – just saying.)

               Whoa, okay, that looked dangerous. Whatever Jongup did, that looked dangerous.

               At one point I got so nervous that I got up, shaking my head. The two looked confused as they watched me pace around the living room for a moment, but they continued dancing anyways. Once they started, they couldn’t stop until it ended. So I watched from a distance, hands placed over my mouth as I watched the two youngsters perform some of the most dangerous flips and slides I had ever seen. Dear lord what have I gotten myself into?

               They were grinning madly, as if all of this was just a routine. Like they were used to this. Like there wasn’t a risk of cracking their heads open. Oh my god. What did I tell you? Their smiles could get a bit unnerving at times.

               After a while of me having near-death heart attacks and more jaw-dropping, how-the--do-you-do-that moments, the music stopped and they ended with a bombastic grand finale, crossing their arms to top it off like the swag masters they were.

               I’m at dancing; I don’t have a single clue on what they’ve just done. But hey, I clapped anyways. It looked cool, so 10/10, would recommend.

               We all sat down in their bedroom, me sharing a bed with Jongup, Junhong on the other. He tossed a ball at the wall ahead of him, catching it with a grin on his face. Both of them were breathing heavily, sweating slightly, but wore similar smiles on their faces. As they calmed down, they started laughing together. It seemed as if they were mentally congratulating one another for another successful practice – or performance, whatever they wanted to call their little show-and-tell to their favorite hyung (that’s right boy).

               “One time,” Junhong suddenly said, still panting but having enough oxygen available to speak one word at a time, “when I was at the park—“ Inhale “—I met this lady and she—“ Exhale. Inhale “—handed me two dollars to go buy her ice cream—“ Exhale. Inhale “—and I did, but I couldn’t find her afterwards.” He laughed – it sounded something like an old man wheeze-laugh. “I spent a while doing that until I finally gave up. So I ate it.”

               Jongup grinned. “Wise choice,” he commented, nodding. “I would have done that, too.”

               I had no idea what that story had to do with anything here, but I let it be.

               “Once I went to America.”

               Junhong and I stared at Jongup.

               “Their elevators go up there, too.”

               Junhong and I looked away from Jongup.

               “We’re going to need to thank Yongguk hyung again, Jonguppie,” Junhong said, grinning widely as he sat up straight, staring at his friend. “His mash up is amazing.”

               “It’s perfect,” Jongup agreed, nodding enthusiastically. “It’s got everything we were looking for!”

               “Yongguk hyung’s pretty amazing, right Youngjae hyung?” Junhong asked, turning his attention to me with happiness in his eyes. “Are you going to come see our talent show?”

               I fought the urge to grin, shrugging instead to seem cool – because I am. “I don’t see why not. And yeah,” I agreed, nodding my head. “Hyung’s a really cool guy.”

               “You got that right,” the other two flavors said in unison, laughing in sync as well. I swear to god these two were just perfect for each other. I hope they cuddle at night.

               “Do you think we’ll ever become famous, hyung?” Junhong asked, turning to me with wide, hopeful eyes.

               they probably already are in some other universe or something. “Yes,” I answered truthfully, and the smile that spread on Junhong’s face was just so ing precious that I needed to give myself a second to breathe. “And Jonguppie,” I said, turning towards the grinning chocolate, “you’ll definitely meet Chris Brown.”

               His grin grew wider, nodding his head enthusiastically. “Of course I am hyung. It’s obvious.”

               “I’ll meet Drake first, though,” Junhong sang, falling backwards on his bed and bouncing a little.

               “Sorry Strawberry, I’m meeting my idol first,” Jongup declared defiantly, sticking his tongue out at the youngest.

               Junhong sat up straight again, glaring at his best friend. “Drake is better!”

               “What? Take that back!”

               I’ve never see these two fight before; I never expected that they ever would. But this argument was ridiculous. This apartment building had so many issues; I’m surprised I haven’t combusted yet.

               “Make me!”

               Oh, the in this room suddenly rose upon hearing those two words. I felt awkward in the silence that suddenly washed over the room, shocks of lightning sparking through the other two flavors’ eyes. Dammit I wish they just kissed already or something so I could get on with my life.

               The silence was broken by the sound of some Chris Brown song, I believe. Junhong scrunched his nose up in disgust.

               “Go answer the phone!” Jongup commanded, pointing towards the shelf where the ringing phone laid.

               “Why me? It’s your phone!” Junhong countered, glaring back at him.

               “Go answer it, I’m older than you!” Jongup rarely used that card, but apparently insulting Chris Brown led to such drastic measures.

               Junhong let out a long, unnecessary groan as he got up, trudging towards the phone. “Just because Drake’s better…” he mumbled to himself as he picked the electronic up, unlocking the screen to stare at the caller ID. “It’s Daehyun hyung.”

               Just when I forgot about him, too…

               My mood just dropped significantly; the temptation to jump out the window never felt as high as it did now.

               “Answer it then,” Jongup said, waving his hand. “Sheesh, such a rude kid sometimes.” Junhong answered the phone and sighed, resuming his cheery voice before exiting the room to take the call.

               I sat back against the headboard next to the exasperated Jongup, arms crossed and oblivious to the scowl that set itself on my face. Well, I was oblivious until Jongup pointed it out.

               “Why are you frowning?” Jongup asked, eyeing me with a slightly worried expression. “Are you mad about what Junhong said, too? Ugh, he could be so inconsiderate sometimes.”

               I forced out a little laugh. “No, Jonguppie, it’s not that actually. It’s something else,” I admitted, puffing out a sigh.

               “What’s wrong?” he asked, curiosity in his tone as he leaned in closer. “You’re usually grumpy all the time, but suddenly you’re a different kind of grumpy.”

               I grunted. I am not usually grumpy. That’s a total lie. I’m a cheery person all the time! Gosh, people really need to stop being so judgmental. “Nothing’s really wrong, it’s just that Daehyun…ugh.”

               “Daehyun hyung?” Jongup repeated, an eyebrow raised as he stared at me quizzically. “I know you don’t like him that much, but what exactly did he do wrong before? Why are you always annoyed with him?”

               “I’m not always annoyed with him,” I denied, wiggling a little on the bed to get into a more comfortable position. “It’s just that most of the time he’s a complete douche that I hate. He really needs to fix that and now I’m just…ugh…he’s ignoring me or something. He’s so dumb.”

               “He’s ignoring you?” he repeated again, staring off into space as if he weren’t completely focusing on me, but thinking on something else at the same time; something that I didn’t know about. I hated that. People need to stop being so secretive around me all the time; otherwise I’ll just resort to sticking laxatives in their food and drinks in hopes that they poop out their answers for me. “How?”

               “I don’t see him around anymore,” I answered, partially annoyed that I had to start up this conversation again. “He’s never around in the morning or afternoon to bother me like he usually is. It reminds me of the days before he moved here, except the only thing preventing me from believing that he moved again is that I still hear him at night. It’s so annoying. I hate hearing him ing at night because it just reminds me that he’s there, but he isn’t paying attention to me anymore. It’s like he lost all interest.”

               Jongup opened his mouth to say something, but I continued ranting on. Himchan and his taunts, Jongup was easier to talk to because all he did was smile and nod. But this time he wasn’t; which was weird. Am I missing something here? It’s like everyone I know is in on something I don’t know. I feel left out. This is not cool. Come on guys, let me in on your secrets! This feeling is unbearable. Why does it feel like all of this had something to do with Daehyun?     

               Why can’t I stop thinking about him?

               “I talked about this with Himchan, but he wouldn’t give me a proper answer. What’s going on here? Why isn’t Daehyun talking to me anymore? He was so obsessed with me and suddenly he disappeared. I was just starting to get used to having him around all the time, too. How dare he leave me like that? He bothered me, he annoyed me, he ed me, he did everything he could have possibly done in the world to make me hate him. And now? What about now? He’s ignoring me! It’s official: I hate him – I absolutely hate him, Jonguppie. It’s all his goddamn fault I’m so confused and lost and dumb. I hate him, I hate him so much.”

               “Why does it sound like you miss him?” Jongup asked innocently after I stopped speaking, blinking up at me obliviously.

               I sighed, staring Jongup in the eye. “I don’t miss him, okay? You and Himchan need to stop thinking that I like him or somet—“

               “But you do like him.”

               I froze. “Excuse me?”

               “It’s so obvious hyung, I can’t believe a genius like you can’t even figure it out.”

               Whoa, blow to my pride right there. The fact that both him and Himchan believe that I like Daehyun is absolutely absurd – why would I ever like him? Have they not been listening to me? I’ve stated that I hate Daehyun an infinite amount of times. I think that’s significant evidence that I couldn’t possibly like Jung Daehyun – only hate. I hate him.

               There it is again.

               I hate him.

               There.

               Again.

               I hate him.

               One more time, just for good measure.

               I absolutely hate Jung Daehyun.

               ---

               It’s my birthday.

               I am now twenty-one.

               My manager’s a nice guy, and he permits all employees a paid day off on their birthday – that is, if they were scheduled to have work that day. So of course, everyone made sure that they had work on their birthdays, including me.

               I had a day off.

               I didn’t tell anyone it was my birthday (except for the manager, of course), and I didn’t expect anyone to already know. I got a few birthday calls from relatives, but other than that my current pitiful list of friends didn’t even spare me a glance.

               This was déjà vu, and I was well aware of it. No broomsticks, no music, no Neapolitan ice cream. Silence, peace, nothing. I almost exploded today, up until I met Yongguk by the elevators, already waiting for me with a giant grin on his face.

               I didn’t have any plans to go out today; the only reason I went to check the elevators was because I needed to make sure that not every part of my daily routine had been broken again. I had a blank slate today. I wanted to sit in my apartment for a while and decide on how to spend my birthday by myself, but when I met Yongguk by the elevators he prevented me from doing as I wished.

               He didn’t wish me happy birthday, and I didn’t expect him to. But he did insist that we hang out for the remainder of the day. Yongguk is a cool guy, so I didn’t see any reason not to.

               While we were waiting on the bus Yongguk offered me an earphone. It turned out that Yongguk’s iPod consisted more of original pieces and instrumentals rather than just the gibberish I thought he listened to all the time. Most of his original songs were either rap or vocals from two of his close friends, Yoseob and Jieun. Others were completely instrumental only, and he told me about how he dreams of writing music for companies. He had the lyrics to every instrumental he created in his phone, and I took the time to read through them all because Yongguk is just that great.

               A thought crossed me for a second: Daehyun wanted to be a singer, Yongguk wanted to write for singers. Jongup and Junhong wanted to dance their lives away, and Himchan…I didn’t really know what Himchan did most of the time but I know that he does want to be a model. I did want to become a singer at one point, and still do, but I never found the courage to sing in public. It suddenly occurred to me how boring my life actually was. Wow, that was depressing.

               “I’m thinking about asking Daehyun to record this one,” Yongguk said, changing the song currently playing to one with a dark piano introduction accompanied with guitar a few seconds later. “Yoseob already sang this and so has Daehyun. Both of them give off a different mood, atmosphere and all that stuff. Yoseob’s sounds more sad and regretful while Daehyun’s sounds frustrated and bitter, in a way. I really like their voices.”

               Yongguk is some sort of musical genius. So is Himchan, I believe, since Himchan does help him with the instrumentals at times since he’s some sort of music major. I listened to Yoseob’s version and it made me curious about Daehyun’s. I’d like to hear that too, to be honest. But the mention of the male’s name made me sick in my stomach. I tried changing the subject.

               “What was that one song in the compilation you made for Junhong and Jongup?” I asked, adjusting the ear bud in my ear. “I didn’t know all of the songs in there but there was one that stood out, one that I was sure I hadn’t heard anywhere.”

               “The one with the school bells?” Yongguk grinned. “Did you recognize our voices?”

               “Sort of…I recognized yours pretty quickly because your voice is so…” I flicked my wrists about with the idea that Yongguk would understand what I meant, “…yeah and I think that was Junhong in there too? What was it?”

               “Never Give Up,” Yongguk answered, proud fatherly grin forming on his face. “Their dreams inspired me a bit and I felt like I needed to inspire them, too.”

               This guy is such a ing saint that it kills me.

               The bus came to a stop and Yongguk got up. I followed him off when all of a sudden we were in front of the mall. I stared at the building, a place I didn’t visit often since I was quite the miser. But I want to save money, but I also want to buy clothes, but I want to save money, but I also want to buy electronics, but I want to save money, but I also want to buy Pokémon X. Do you see my problem here with the mall?

               I mentally cursed Yongguk (then apologized because he’s too nice) for taking me to the mall. I knew I’d be tempted to buy every little appealing thing I saw, possibly even the useless things. It physically pained me whenever I ignored something that could potentially look good in my kitchen – regardless of how useless said object might be. I liked things. I liked owning things just for the heck of it.

               Before I could say anything Yongguk draped an arm over my shoulder and began directing me towards the entrance of the mall. Mentally I kept screaming nonononoNONONONO because I forced myself into a mall-free diet to keep myself from the pain, but the entrance was me in, and Yongguk wasn’t helping.

               It was cold out today, so the heat wave that blasted me and Yongguk when we walked through those doors was heaven. My hair might have blown out of my face and it might just be really disgusting right now, but I could care less at the moment because ohhh sweet baby Jesus did that feel good. That moment of ecstasy didn’t last long, however, because at that moment I caught sight of a store marked with SALE, the place filled with furniture. Some very nice looking furniture, mind you. I mean that coffee table would look excellent in my living room.

               I was tempted to buy the pricey thing, but thankfully Yongguk dragged me towards the order direction before I could sprint away. “Why are we at the mall?” I asked as we stood on an escalator, the steps automatically moving lazy bums like us upwards.

               “I don’t know. I felt like buying some stuff and didn’t want to go alone. You happened to be present so why not buy some clothes together?” Yongguk smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he needed to go do something manly as soon as possible after saying such a thing.

               “You sound like Himchan.” I shrugged. “At least I won’t have to listen to his criticism over every little thing I touch.”

               Yongguk chuckled. “Sounds like Himchan, alright,” he said. “I’m glad he didn’t decide to tag along either. He’d spend all his money and ask me for more.”

               “I know right?” I said, eyes widening in annoyance. “I barely get to buy anything I want because of him! He totally owes me like, a million.”

               “Right!” He nodded his head enthusiastically, and we shared a defiant sort of high five. A lame one, at that. We awkwardly looked away from each other after that, Yongguk clearing his throat as we stepped off the escalator. No, we did not just have that girly conversation; no we did not just high five over it.

               “Uh, so where are we going, exactly? Are we actually buying clothes?” I questioned him skeptically, falling into step beside him. “Is there a sale or something?”

               Yongguk shrugged. “I need some new clothes. Do you want to get anything other than clothes?”

               I shook my head. “I don’t plan on buying anything. Saving up, you know what I mean?”

               Yongguk laughed in response, looking at me in that same my-naïve-little-dongsaeng way as always. “Oh, Youngjae. Youngjae, Youngjae, Youngjae. Who said you were buying anything?”

               I raised an eyebrow. That was sort of uncalled for…I never expected Yongguk to say something so snide. “What?”

               “I’m the one paying here,” Yongguk replied simply, smiling when he saw my confused face. “What, did you think that you were going to pay for everything? I brought a lot of money along today, and you’re one of my favorite dongsaengs. So I’m willing to pay.”

               It was like he knew it was my birthday.

               “Uh…no thanks. That isn’t really necessary, hyung…” I muttered awkwardly, tempted by the offer but blocked out by guilt. I couldn’t just let him pay for everything. That’d make me a ty dongsaeng, not one of his favorite dongsaengs. “I’m fine with just hanging out with you. No need to buy me anything.”

               “Nonsense,” Yongguk declared, putting a hand up as to stop me from protesting more. “Today I am going to be a good hyung and buy my dongsaeng things. So tell me what you want.”

               I sighed. “I can’t—“ but I cut myself off midway upon walking into a clothing shop, a nice black beanie on a hat rack in the middle of the room immediately catching my eye. “Oh my god.” I ran towards it, eyes wide as I checked the price. “Oh my god, oh my god, it’s on sale,” I squealed, turning around and waving the beanie around animatedly as Yongguk approached me carefully. “Look at it! It’s so ing BEAUTIFUL.”

                Yongguk chuckled, taking a glance at the price before nodding. “Do you want it?”

               “Yes, yes, YES!” I chanted, nearly hopping up and down like a kid during Christmas. “It would look so amazing on me, like…” I glanced at the mirror placed at the top of the rack, noticing how fluffed my hair looked due to the wind outside and the blast of air we received upon walking inside. I patted down my head a bit before pulling the beanie on. I fixed a few strands of hair on my forehead and blinked a bit, adjusting the hat.

               Yup, I was right.

               I’m looking fine in this hat.

               I’d tap that.

               “Ugh, I want this so badly…” I whimpered as I took that beanie off, placing it back on the rack. “What a cruel, cruel world we live in.”

               Yongguk rolled his eyes, reaching forward and taking the accessory I was dying to have. “Don’t worry Youngjae, I’ll buy it for you.” He smiled.

               The temptation, the guilt, they were balanced on the scale. I didn’t want to come across like a greedy fool, but there was so much want in my system that resisting hurt even more than usual.

               You know what? it, it’s my birthday. Whether Yongguk knew it or not. I have all permission in the world to be a self-centered, spoiled little brat.

               “You’d do that for me?” I asked wondrously, eyes sparkling as I stared up hopefully at the older male. “Thank you so much!”

               “No problem,” Yongguk replied simply, smiling back. “Anything else you want?” he asked, looking around the store.

               Oh.

               Well he shouldn’t have said that.

               He made it sound like I could have anything I wanted.

               [Insert evil laugh here]

                “How’s this one?”

               The shopping spree got so intense that I had to take off my jacket. I wrapped a bandana-like black scarf around my neck, grinning stupidly at the mirror before turning to Yongguk. He sat there on the circular couch, blinking himself awake as he swiped at his phone. Most likely calculating the price for everything.