TRIGGER WARNING: mention of selfharm and suicide attempt 

"What the hell is this, Lee Taemin?!" Jongin exclaimed when he saw the bloody scars covering Taemin's stomach and looked at Taemin who had an equally horrified look. 

Taemin sat up abruptly and pulled down his shirt, Jongin still straddling his lap. Taemin tried to say something but not even a sound came out. "Answer me!" Jongin shouted angrily and gripped Taemin's shoulders. "Have you done this to yourself?! Is this what you call 'getting better'?!" Taemin was really scared now; Jongin had never shouted at him like that, not even when they fight. "Well, aren't you going to say anything?" Jongin asked in a slightly, but still angry, voice when Taemin hadn't said anything. But how could he explain this anyway? Jongin sighed and got up. "Forget it", he said and was about to walk away when Taemin grabbed the hem of his shirt.

"I-I can explain. Just d-don't be angry", Taemin stuttered. Jongin nodded and sat down a bit away from Taemin, still feeling angry. "I kinda... Lied... Things have became worse a-and I-", Taemin choked on a sob before he could continue and brought his knees to his chest and hugged them. Jongin was conflicted if he should comfort him or stay where he is and wait for him to calm down. Another sob was heard and Jongin went over to hug him. Jongin didn't say anything and let Taemin bury his face in Jongin's chest to calm down a bit. "I-I'm sorry I lied to you... Please don't h-hate me", Taemin said after he stopped crying. He held onto Jongin's shirt tightly so he wouldn't let go.

"I won't", Jongin said after a few seconds of silence. "Just tell me what happened and why you did this to yourself." Jongin's voice was almost emotionless which scared Taemin a bit but he continued shakily.

"They're not t-talking to me except if they have to on a radio program o-or something. I tried talking to them once b-but all I got was hateful w-words. They don't want me in their presence and I've tried not g-getting in their way by staying in my room most of the day, not even going out to e-eat with them or eating alone later, I can't remember the last time I ate." That explains why he's became so thin. "It hurts, Jongin... It hurts so much... It feels like I've lost my family and I-I can't do anything to get them back." Taemin started crying silently, wetting the fabric of Jongin's shirt. Jongin was a bit angry at Taemin for lying and letting it get this far, and at his hyungs for being so mean. Neither of them said anything for a while but there was one thing Jongin wanted to know. 

"The cuts on your stomach then? Why did you do that?" Taemin hesitated a bit, trying to find a good way to explain.

"You can say the pain takes my thoughts away and makes me feel better for a moment. It was an accident the first time but it became addicting..." Taemin's voice drifted off at the end as if he was ashamed of what he's done. After a while of silence he built up courage and told Jongin what happened in detail, having to stop sometimes to regain his breath from crying at difficult moments.

"You know", Jongin started when Taemin finished telling his story. "I'm just a bit mad at you for lying but I'm disappointed more than anything. You should've talked to me before it got this bad. You've become skinnier than before and you've scarred your body too", Jongin said as he Taemin's hair with one hand while the other one grabbed Taemin's arm to slide the long sleeves up to look at the previous cuts he made. Taemin let him, too ashamed to do or say anything. Jongin sighed and let go of his arm. "I feel guilty for not helping you from the start but instead of telling someone you go around pretending everything is fine and lie right to my face. "Jongin's hand stopped his hair. "This is too much to take in at once. I want to help you but you won't let me talk to them or anyone at all. I can't do much for you if you're going to be this stubborn." Jongin let go of Taemin and stood up. Taemin's heart sank and he quickly gripped Jongin's hand.

"Wh-where are you going?" Jongin isn't leaving him, right? He can't leave. He's the only one Taemin feels safe with. Forget everything Taemin thought about breaking up, it can't happen.

"I'm... I want to be alone for a bit. This is too much at the moment and I need time to think. I'll just take a walk and comeback, I promise." Jongin bent down to peck Taemin's cheek and then walked away. Taemin heard the front door close and he tried to keep calm and trust that Jongin would be back but his mind races to all different scenarios where Jongin tells him that he's too much of a problem and leaves.

Taemin suddenly starts feeling dizzy. His vision got blurry, his ears stared ringing and his lungs won't take in air properly. He feels like the walls are closing in, trapping him in this room without any escape. Taemin knows what's happening; he's having a panic attack. He can't think clearly but he knows that he should try to stay clam and not think about anything at all. So while he's trying to breath he laid down on the couch and closed his eyes. It really wasn't easy not thinking about what just happened and staying still but he tried to. 

It took quite a few minutes to regain his breath and calm down. Now he just felt numb as he let the tears roll down his face. Taemin stared at the ceiling for a long time without feeling anything or thinking about anything. When he finally looked at the clock it showed that it's been over an hour since Jongin left. Does that mean he won't come back? That he's waiting for Taemin to leave? That's the only conclusion Taemin came up with in his state.

Taemin got up from the couch and quickly took his shoes and walked out, knowing that if he stayed longer or even glanced around the room he would get flashbacks from some happy moments so he quickly left. The dorm was a ten minutes walk from a close by forest with a small waterfall where Taemin and Jongin used to hang out before when they needed to relax. Without thinking Taemin started walking to the lake slowly, taking in the beautiful view of the forest around him and the relaxing sound of birds singing. 

He came out of the forest to the lake a good hundred meters from the waterfall and sat on a rock nearby. Just looking around made him remember the precious moments he and Jongin had here and how they always complained to each other about everything and then laid on the ground in silence, enjoying each other's company.

Taemin reached for his phone from his pocket and went to Jongin's contact. By looking at old messages he noticed how big of a jerk he had been towards his loving boyfriend and now he had destroyed their relationship. 

With shaky fingers he started writing a message to Jongin but soon deleted it when he looked at the strong stream of the lake going towards the waterfall. He looked at his phone with dead eyes and typed in 'I'm sorry. I love you'  then he closed his phone, put I to the ground and sat there staring at the water for a while before he walked to the edge of the lake. 

'It's for the best' , he thought. 'Now no one has to be mad at me and I can't disappoint anyone anymore. This is it'. Taemin put his foot in the water and felt how the cold stream pushed at his leg. 'This is how it ends. I'm sorry to be a disappointment but everyone will be happier now'. He set his other leg in the water and his feet reached the bottom of the lake with the water just below his chest and his hands holding the edge of the ground he just stepped down from. Taemin took one last look around and before he slowly weakened his hold until he let go completely and let the ice cold stream have him. Taemin didn't try to fight it and let his head sink under the water. The water filled his lungs and its sound filled his ears but he welcomed it with open arms.

Before blackening out he thought he heard a familiar voice shout his name. But that can't be it... Can it? 

"TAEMIN!"

'Goodbye'

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Miracles do happen since I just updated 10 days after last update :D not much for me to say except that I'm getting my inspiration back and that I want to thank Lucifer14 for giving me future ideas (that destroyed my "I'll end this in a few chapters" plan xD) and for encouraging me to update. Same with all the comments I get, they really encourage me to write. So thank you everybody! I'll try to update next week and if not then the week after ;D