TRIGGER WARNING: selfharm

Taemin returned to his own dorm after some hours with Jongin. He had promised to tell Jongin how the talk with his hyungs went. He was nervous because he knew this was only going to add up on his pain but he had to try to make up with them.

He found them on the couch talking and playing video games. As soon as they saw him it became quiet and even the video game was paused but no one looked at him. His nervousness suddenly increased and he was about to turn around and run to his room but it was now or never.

"Hey guys." No answer. "What are you doing? Can I join?" There was a moment of silence until Kibum turned his head and looked at him. 

"We don't want a to join us", Kibum snapped and glared at Taemin with his arms crossed.

At first Taemin stood frozen and didn't know what to say or do. That was not really the reaction he expected but then again he didn't expect a positive reaction. But he wasn't going to let Kibum put him down like this. He could feel the anger boiling inside of him. He was going to take it nice and slow but that didn't seem to work. Enough is enough.
 
"I'm still the same person you know. It's not like I've changed just because you found out something new about me! I've been gay for years now without you knowing and you've never had a problem with me! What makes me different from how I was then?! So what if I don't like girls or have a boyfriend? I'm still me!" All heads were turned to Taemin now. They didn't expect Taemin to get so angry all of a sudden. But the chock didn't last long for Kibum who stood up to face Taemin easier.

"How can you even think this won't change anything? We've all learned that being gay is wrong since we were born. A guy is supposed to get attracted to girls, not other guys." Kibum hissed. "And who knows, you may have been looking at us when we change together. That's disgusting!" Ouch. Taemin could feel tears burning behind his eyes but he wouldn't let it show.

"Kibum!" Jinki shouted and stood up. "It's enough, you don't have to be so harsh! We're in the same band, we can't keep this up if we don't want anyone to notice."

"Oh come on, why are you defending him anyway?" Kibum snarled hissed. "Wasn't it you who said that you felt uncomfortable in his presence?" He turned to Taemin. "We all feel uncomfortable when you're around so why don't you stay away from us when we don't have to be together?" 

Silence.

It looked like Minho and Jonghyun also wanted to say something but didn't dare to talk when Kibum was like this so Taemin gave up and walked calmly to his room with tears in his eyes but tried to hide it since he didn't want to show how much those words affected him, especially being called disgusting.

When the door was closed and locked, that's when he finally broke down. His tears spilled over like rivers and he curled himself up against the door. Taemin didn't care to muffle his sobs since his room was far from the living room. But it's not like he would've cared either way, he just wanted to get it out. 

And so he did. He threw the first thing he got his hands on, which was a calendar. Then he got up to get his anger out on everything around him; water bottle, plushie, books, bag, even his pillow and cover was thrown down on the floor.

Taemin continued to throw things around the room until it became a mess and he was tired. He slumped down on the floor with his head in his hands and tried to breath. Was it really that bad to be gay? Was it so bad that they had to hurt him this much? 

Taemin felt his phone vibrate in his pocket but he just took it out and placed it on the floor next to him, not wanting to talk to anyone, not even Jongin. He got up from the floor and walked over to the full body mirror and looked at himself. All Taemin saw was empty eyes and a soulless body. This wasn't him, he couldn't recognise himself anymore. When did he become like this? It's like looking at an empty shell and he didn't like what he had become at all and didn't want to see it, so it was like a reflex when he brought up his fist and smashed it into the mirror, breaking it in millions of pieces.

But that wasn't everything that happened; Taemin's fist started bleeding from a cut made by the mirror. It hurt so much that it made him forget every problem he had for a moment and he liked it. The pain took away the thoughts he couldn't stop having, his mind drifted into peace for a few seconds and he didn't feel anything except the burning feeling in his hand. 

He looked at the cut and watched the blood flow down his hand and drop on the floor. But the cut wasn't so deep so it wouldn't be bleeding for long. But Taemin kind of liked that pain and wanted to feel it again, so he crouched down on the floor and picked up a sharp piece of the mirror and sat down at his bed. It's not like he was gong to die, quite the opposite actually since the pain takes away every bad thought so why not? It's not like anyone would notice.

 Taemin brought the sharp mirror to his wrist and made a small cut, barely deep at all but enough to hurt and get the bad thoughts away. But the pain didn't last as long as Taemin had hoped so he did another cut, and another, and another until he had six red lines on his wrist. The thoughts had stopped but so did the pain. It was like Taemin became numb and nothing could hurt him anymore. 

That would have to be enough so no one would notice the cuts. Taemin looked around the room and found a tissue box in the mess. As he got a tissue and started wiping away the blood, his phone started vibrating again. He knew he made Jongin worry but he was too tired for anything at all. He didn't want to even open his mouth and he was too tired to even get his pillow and cover so he could sleep properly and just flopped down on the bed.

That night, without the slight warm comfort you get from the cover, Taemin had a nightmare that woke him up and he didn't dare to sleep again in case the dream would continue. 

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Omg I'm soooooo sorry for not updating for such a long time! I had some problems with my life but I know I should've tried to update in the two month summer break I had but I guess I was too lazy T~T

but thanks to the ones who commented and the friends I made from this I was able to write again! And I'll try to start updating more but I can't promise anything other than that I'm not giving up on this story! :)