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Granted By: macchiato-

Title: .Silent Melody

Author: conchobar

Title
There’s a contrastive aspect that you included in your title. When ‘melody’ is supposed to be tuneful and is not mute, you juxtaposed it with the adjective ‘silent’, making the title sound poetic and it’s just how I like it. It also matches perfectly well with the plot and the tone that you’re writing with. Good job! 

Foreword/Description
I noticed that you decided to sum your story in your description by using those two, short paragraphs. I would probably like it better if you have saved the twist about Jongdae losing his voice instead of revealing it on the beginning. However, despite so, I do have to admit that this section is very captivating. The extract/prologue that you put in your description was also beautifully written as it explained Jongdae’s background before he dived into his current career; it exposed his passion and his love for singing as well as supporting the plotline.  The description certainly gripped my entire interest already.

Appearance
If I were to score you, I’d probably give full points for this rubric. Beautiful poster and background, simple yet sophisticated layout as well. Excellent job, props to your graphic designer too!

Plot
What do you want me to say about this rubric? You completely won me over.  I think the overall plotline is brilliant to the point that I couldn’t bring myself to spot any loose parts which I believe were not even there at all. I know you’ve probably heard this sort of gratitude quite often but thank you for setting Jongdae as the main character. As an EXO fan myself, I found it difficult to accept the fact that people do not seem to recognize or moreover appreciate Jongdae’s hard works and struggles. They even make assumptions that he’s less famous than the other members and still demand for more spotlights for him. I personally think that the company has gave Jongdae a lot – his appearances in variety shows, radios, and his singing parts in their songs prove it all - but the fans (who couldn't alter their first impressions about him) are not taking it so it looks like he has less spotlights and popularity. It’s getting on my nerve to see people pitying Jongdae when all Jongdae needs is not their pity but their loyalty and support. The plot that you conveyed in your story simply expresses my and probably thousands of other fans’ feelings out there. Thank you for writing such a beautiful piece.

Alright, back to business. So like I’ve just told you before, I couldn’t really spot any loose parts in the first four chapters that you’ve wrote, and it remarks how brilliant this piece was written. It was only at the first chapter that I found myself being entirely intrigued to the story. How Jongdae thought that he was cheating the audiences for letting the demo track cover his hoarse voice; how he could only fake a smile and felt miserable inside when the members ironically told him that they had done an awesome performance; I think those parts were the highlights of this chapter. Not only did it start the development of Jongdae’s character, it also introduced his passion toward singing. By all means, you allowed the readers to know why and how he was passionate about it instead of trailing the fact on mere personal assumptions.

I would say the same about the second chapter (it's even more beautiful that the first). I was somehow amazed at how you didn't leave the details (e.g., you started the chapter by stating that Jongdae hated to wake up early and continued with the next paragraphs talking about other things, but managed to say on track by referring back to how the male hated to wake up) so props to you. This chapter also marked the start of the other characters’ developments - in this case, Kris and Joonmyun - as you switched the point of view to theirs when Jongdae was feeling terribly sick. Though the minor characters' development weren't that significant (I'll talk about this in the characterization section) I think it was already a wise decision to shift the point of view to the other members.

Onto the third chapter. Wow. Just wow. Frankly saying, I'd expect this story to revolve just around Jongdae and his sufferings and his friendships with the members but this chapter proved me wrong. I never thought you would write about the fans’ reactions, moreover their harsh and inhumane behaviors toward Jongdae. And I'm not only talking about the thoughtless comments posted on the internet but also about what happened when Jongdae went for grocery shopping. It was the fact that the fans didn't take the case positively and that they didn't support the group (as cliché as it's always been) that makes the story even more realistic and believable. The scene where the members were trying to comfort Jongdae was also totally emotional that I probably might have cried a river if I'm not a rigid stone (no, seriously, I've never really cried for a story before). 

On the fourth chapter, the representative of SM Entertainment was said to act as if the idols were solely robots, and this is the part that I like the most. His less of concerns showed how the company saw and treated their idols like machines. There was one sentence in this chapter that hit me:

“It was as if the company didn’t see Jongdae as a man being, but some kind of cash cow instead, and that was even more maddening.”

I don’t know if this is really happening in reality because I have no idea how exactly idols are being treated by their companies and as much as I want to assume that they are being treated badly, I am not in place to make any conclusion. Other people might have different opinions about this as well, but the way you stated it was more than enough to make it believable.

And again, this was just another heartbreaking chapter. It was utterly emotional when it reached the scene where Minseok and Joonmyun were trying to comfort Jongdae.  You also managed to convey the warmth of their friendship when the group had this sort of quality time watching movie together. Mind the lack of my vocabulary skill, but the plotline, overall, was excellent. Beautiful, heartbreaking, realistic, and definitely worth the read.

Grammar
Instead of talking about your grammars (which is remarkably flawless already; a few misspelled words were found here and there but grammar-wise it is perfect) I’ll just quickly discuss about your writing style.

First of all, try to avoid the usage of tilde symbols (~) in your dialogues and/or direct speeches. It makes the writing look less professional and I do believe that the both of you have the ability to describe the speaking tone by using words, so you might want to brush it off. It goes the same for caps-locking dialogues (I’ve been told recently about this by a reviewer who had worked on my story); try to enhance the descriptions instead of expressing the tone by using caps.

Secondly, in regard of the Korean terminologies that you were using; I understand that you only used basic Korean terms and that the majority of AFF readers understand them, but you should keep in mind that not everyone here has a proper understanding about those. Yah, hyung, baozi, maknae, dongsaeng, sasaeng; these are a few out of many unfamiliar words (at least to some people) that you included in your story. I’m not saying that you should discard them, but it would be better if you could insert some sort of glossary by the end of the chapters and briefly explain the meaning of the terms.

In addition, do not replace numerical words with numbers (wait, does this even make sense?). It's thirty seconds not 30 seconds; twenty minutes not 20 minutes. Please also note that you should put spaces before and after an ellipsis, so instead of:

“But… But… You know how much I love singing!”

It should’ve been:

“But … But … You know how much I love singing!”

You put an ellipsis to indicate hesitation or to make it sound like it was trailing, and it can simply be formed by putting three periods (...) each with a space on both sides.

Putting these aside, I’m glad to tell you that I’m in love with the way the story was written. The angst tone totally gripped my interest and the feels were all over the place. Very emotional, very well done.

Characterization
First and foremost, I'd like to give you two thumbs up for portraying Jongdae's character in a way that the readers, including myself, could totally relate to him. I noticed that you chose to emphasis on emotions instead of developing his character through dialogues, interactions and/or actions. You conveyed his perspectives and built his personality by describing his opinions and feelings, which was just the right decision that you've made. If you didn't emphasize his emotion, I don't think his character would develop as much as he was now. Jongdae, here, was not only relatable; he's also realistic and believable. His fear of losing his voice, the most precious thing that he treasured in his life, was normal fear that humans would undoubtedly encounter once in their lifetime (although probably in different sort of case). I couldn't help but to think of my best friend who experiences something similar to this occurrence. He's diagnosed to have bronchitis and even though the severity is not that high, it is not rare to find him whining over the pain that clutters his lungs. If Jongdae, here, needs his voice to keep on singing, then my friend needs his lungs to keep on playing harmonica. I know and I understand how fond he is of playing harp and of music itself, so it hurts me when he says that his lungs are hurting or if his breaths aren't steady or if he needs to stay at the hospital for one day or two in order to cease the pain. Your story reminded me of that one particular friend of mine, that's why I can now state that Jongdae, in this story, is real.

I don’t see the need of expanding my views about Jongdae, because to sum it up in one word, Jongdae – in this story – is flawless. Flawless for not being perfect, for having fears, for having a state of fragility, for being everything but a strong man who’d dauntlessly fight his illness because that’s just too cliché and at some points unbelievable. Let me give my endless praises to both of you for successfully building Jongdae’s role.

Let’s move on to the minor characters. You occasionally shifted the point of view so you could tell the story from the perspectives of the other members specifically Joonmyun, Kris and Minseok (who seemed to have more importance compared to the other eight). It was a wise decision because it allowed you to concurrently develop the members’ roles. It was also understandable that you ended up emphasizing your minor characters on Jongdae’s feelings instead of their own, since the story is revolving solely around the said male. If Jongdae’s character development is a sketch that you draw on a piece of paper, then the minor characters’ are the details that you put in order to complete the drawing. By all means, the minor characters here were being used to develop and to build Jongdae’s role, and it’s not a bad thing because again, the story is revolving around Jongdae and solely him.

However, on the other side, it was such a waste because it would’ve been better if you could also draw the sketch of the minor characters on separate papers. What I’m trying to say here is that your minor characters, not only the three males that I’ve mentioned but also the rest of the members, need some spaces to be developed. I understand that EXO have dozen of members but if you let the readers know their personal point of views about Jongdae and his illness, I’m sure it would be better, not only in term of characterizations but also in term of the flow of your plot. You’ve written Joonmyun and Kris’ perspectives about Jongdae (at least I think you did) and it was brilliant to have these two leaders being angry at him for going out and for not taking care of his voice. It was brilliant to have these two leaders being clueless about how Jongdae felt inside. I understand that it would be difficult to expose more of the other members' point of view, but I believe that you still have many chapters to go and it would be wise to take this as a challenge. Do not lose the grip of Jongdae’s character, yet at the same time, try to deepen the characterizations of the other members. You don’t have to write long paragraphs for this; repeating details and/or asserting statements would probably enough. Like I said, you’ve done this to Joonmyun and Kris and partially Minseok, so I’m sure you will be able to apply it to the rest of the members as well.  If you want to set the members as the supporting details of Jongdae’s sketch, you should at least make them visible to see.

Going on; I don’t know if it’s only me but I found myself wanting to know if the rest of the group members had felt the same way as Kris, Joonmyun and Minseok regarding Jongdae’s illness, because no matter how close they were as friends, no matter how solid the group was, if we were to speak realistically, don’t you think there’s always this thing in humans’ mind called ego? Fans and netizens had thrown harsh feedbacks and criticism to the whole group and it is a part of humans’ nature to eventually feel irritated about it. It is also a part of our nature to put the blame on somebody else. Baekhyun, for example, had failed in reaching the high notes when he replaced Jongdae's part. Didn’t he feel burdened, ashamed or pressured? Didn’t he want to blame Jongdae for the negative remarks that were given to him? It’s believable if he did. What more believable is if he did think that way but decided to stay quiet and keep the feeling himself. I think it would be genuinely realistic to have one or two members putting the blame on Jongdae but didn’t say it out loud because they have strong bond of friendship after all. However, I’m not saying that you should insert this sort of side-conflict because if you go further you might as well loose the grip of the main problem. I’m just saying this because that’s the thought that came in mind as I read throughout the chapters lol mind me.

On a side note, the mention of Jongdae’s parents on the description did put me off a little because up until the fourth chapter, through the waves of Jongdae’s cries and agonies, the parents weren’t mentioned at all. It would be better to describe the reactions of Jongdae’s parents and tell how Jongdae thought of them when he’s feeling down. Jongdae, in this story, looked like someone who loved his parents dearly after all, so it would be better to also share his views about his family. It’s not too late to write about this in the upcoming chapters, though.

Comments/Enjoyment
First of all, I would like to apologize for taking too long to finish this review. School has started and that basically explains everything, right? Lol anyway, thank you very much for requesting! It was, indeed, a very good read. I subscribed to the story and will look forward to the next updates. I don’t know if this review satisfies you but truthfully it was not easy to pinpoint the flaws so I ended up blabbing around my own opinions to make it up, I hope you’re okay with it. Once again, I’m open to feedbacks so feel free to have your say.

I don’t know how you manage the writing process – is it one person writes one chapter or one person writes, another revises? – but nonetheless you both have a great teamwork that keeps everything on track. Keep it up!

To PirateTinman, I’m glad that your father’s surgery went well and that he’s now recovering quickly. You should be proud of yourself because you’ve wrote an amazing story for him. Tell your father I say hi, alright? I'll send my prayers for the stability of his health, too.

Last but not at least, I just want to say that this story deserves the attention. So for those of you who happen to be reading this review, please click on the story link and read it yourself, I can guarantee that the long chapters won’t disappoint you.

Hope this helped you! Please comment once you've seen this!