Title: A Strong Weakness

Pairing: KangMin, KyuMin

Date Posted: August 8, 2012

Type: One-Shot

Genre: Angst

Note: Kangin is back!

Warnings: Broken KangMin, BL, fiction with a touch or reality, happenings in the past

Summary: Kangin is finally back. Sungmin still feels awkward around him because of some reason that he can't tell.

***

Sungmin let go of simultaneous sighs as they were nearing the military camp. He could not contain himself as he was looking outside the window, seeing the reporters holding their cameras and recorders, and also, fans that were waiting outside.

He was really hesitating to go. But he thought that everyone would be curious if he would not go since he didn’t have schedule that morning. What would the fans say if he didn’t go as well? If they were still awkward around each other? No one knew what happened between them back then. No one knew why their close friendship became an awkward one. Only Sungmin and Kangin knew.

They reached the parking lot, and in any minute now, they would reach the meeting place now. His heart was beating so fast than he could imagine. It had been two years since the day he left. And yet he still felt guilty about what happened – what happened between them. He did not know what to feel. He did not know how to react. He did not know how to act the same around whenever he’s with him. Now that he’s back, what would he do? He did not know what he thought, what’s on his mind. All he could feel was doubt.

“We’re going to see him after two years, finally,” Kyuhyun commented. He was beside him. He was enthusiastic about seeing his hyung who taught him to be strong. To be disciplined. Sungmin smiled a bit, his eyes showing that he was not really excited – that he was feeling some other emotion. Kyuhyun did notice it. “Why Min? Is there anything wrong?”

Sungmin shook his head, but he didn’t mutter any word. Kyuhyun didn’t have to know. Or it would be more difficult.

Of all Sungmin’s doubts, he was most concerned about how Kyuhyun and Kangin would maintain their friendship. They didn’t turn awkward around each other. Although not close, they were not awkward as well. Was it because Kyuhyun was clueless or Kangin didn’t care about how Sungmin felt about Kyuhyun? Or was he just too affected by everything?

If these two didn’t turn out to be awkward, he should not be awkward around Kangin as well. Not at all. After all, they were still group mates, right?

He felt that the fish bone inside his throat was finally removed. He could finally smile freely now. This time, genuinely. “Let’s go down now.”

The car was already parked. Leeteuk, Eunhyuk and Ryeowook were already at the site, and Donghae, Kyuhyun and Sungmin went together. Siwon, Yesung and Shindong weren’t there because Siwon was in China for his drama, Yesung and Shindong had other schedules.

The three, Kyuhyun, Sungmin and Donghae went to look for Leeteuk, Ryeowook and Eunhyuk. They found them easily so they went towards them.

“I’m excited to see Kangin hyung,” Ryeowook told. The members smiled and nodded.

Meanwhile, Leeteuk whispered, “Will you miss me too when I enlist? Will you also wait for me and be excited for my return?”

Kyuhyun, being insolent as he was, answered truthfully, “No, of course not. You made us suffer, a lot, Jungsoo hyung.”

The members laughed. Leeteuk pretended that he didn’t like what Kyuhyun said. He acted like he was going to punch Kyuhyun, but then he laughed it off. “Enough of your jokes, Kyuhyun. I know that you’ll be the one to miss me the most.”

“You’re right. But please, stop being emotional, hyung. It’s Kangin hyung’s moment, not yours,” Kyuhyun winked that it made Leeteuk punch him lightly for real on his shoulders. After that, they were all laughing together.

Sungmin chuckled. That was the exact thing why he learned to love Kyuhyun. He was innocent and witty. Well, not that innocent, more on insolent. He remembered Intimate Note where Kangin and Sungmin and other Super Junior members guessed. They were one of the main stars of the show. That time, he realized that the members also realized that they turned to be awkward with each other.

That helped them a bit to overcome the awkwardness between them. After a few days of filming, the same thing happened again. The members could not do the program again though, so no chance for Kangin and Sungmin to be close again.

The members kept on asking them why they became like that and what happened between them. He could not answer. Kangin would not answer as well. He would just shrug and tell them that he needed to do something. And it began once more.

He tucked himself into his gray hoodie more as he saw the time. It was already twenty three past eight. Kangin was expected to go out at eight thirty in the morning.

Again, his heart beat faster when Leeteuk told them to go towards the gate where Kangin would come out.  They were told that Kangin was already preparing to go out. Sungmin was behind everyone because he was too nervous. Ryeowook was in front of him, then Kyuhyun. Donghae, Leeteuk and Eunhyuk went to the front.

The moment when Kangin stepped out from the gate, Leeteuk went closer. Sungmin finally could see Kangin eight meters away from him. Then their eyes met. Kangin’s expression, which was a happy face, didn’t change when their eyes met. Sungmin thought that it would be alright – he would be alright. They would be alright. But he was wrong. Maybe Kangin was already alright with it. But he was not yet.

He continued to stare at Kangin. Kangin’s stare lasted for about three seconds. He could see his eyes. That was the same eye smile that he used to see before. His pupils dilated once again. That was the same look in the eyes when Kangin confessed his love for Sungmin, during ‘Sorry Sorry’ promotions. It was three months after Kyuhyun and Sungmin became together and four months after Intimate Note.

***

Up until ‘Sorry Sorry’ promotions, Kangin rarely spoke with him. The latter would always be the one who would approach the former. The members recognized the awkwardness between the two of them, and also the fans did too. One fan wrote to Intimate Note, a reality show that made members of idol groups become closer, that he and Kangin were awkward together. Leeteuk was called by the staff to clarify if this rumor was true. As the leader, he tried to sort it out by helping them work the problem out.

In Intimate Note, Kangin was clearly awkward with him. He tried to talk to him, but nothing happened. He even played game console, and Kangin just slept on the way to the filming set. Although Kangin told everyone that Intimate Note was not necessary, because they were close, it was revealed that he was not saying the truth. Or maybe, they were close before. At least he thought they were.

When they were doing the first task, he mentioned that he was feeling weird because he remembered his ‘performance’ with Heechul. Kangin looked jealous, or maybe, he was irritated. He really was. And after the task, Kangin said to him, “You look at me as if you love me.” Sungmin giggled but after a second, he became expressionless. Kangin didn’t know if he was really in love with him, or not. Kangin did splash Coke on Sungmin’s face for comedy, but he didn’t know that it would actually make Sungmin look bad. As the result, he wiped his face with tissue. He could not help to see Sungmin being hurt or anything. But he thought that it was just too much to take, especially if it involved Kyuhyun.

Sungmin and Kangin’s Intimate Note filming lasted for a day, including the games with Eunhyuk and Heechul and the other members who were there. Sungmin thought that he and Kangin would be okay by then. He was wrong. After that show, it remained the same. He just turned a blind eye to avoid misunderstandings.

The next few days became hard, because he didn’t have a schedule, and so did Kangin. He remained inside the dorm, probably watching movies or surfing the Internet. Meanwhile, Kangin would stay inside his room on the 12^th floor. Leeteuk temporarily placed him there, since his house was undergoing a renovation. Kangin, who was rooming alone, kept his door locked from everyone. The members didn’t know why though.

Super Show 2 started after two months. As months passed, the members still recognized the awkwardness between them, but they could not do anything about it. Kyuhyun personally asked Sungmin about it, but Sungmin told him that he himself didn’t know. Kyuhyun tried to ask Kangin, but then, he didn’t get an answer.

Until Eunhyuk told everyone to leave both of them together, alone. If it wouldn’t work, they would organize an open forum for them to talk about the problem between them.

It was September when he and Kangin were left together in the dorm. Kangin then had a drink alone, so he was a bit drunk. He went upstairs to ask Kangin to eat with him.

“Is this a date?” Kangin accidentally asked. He, as usual, told him that it was not. “But if I ask you to a date, will you come?”

He was shocked of course. He thought that it was a joke, but why would Kangin tell him a joke like that? His heart beat faster than usual. “H-Huh?”

“Come inside, I have a surprise for you.”

He nodded and entered the room. Sungmin was surprised when he saw Kangin’s room full of their pictures together. “U-Uhm... W-why-”

“Are you surprised? I kept my door locked. Only I can enter the door. Did you like it?”

He chuckled. “Did you do this to make us closer?”

Kangin walked towards him, and he stopped when he was already standing about three inches away from him. Kangin was beside him, looking intently at him who in turn looked back at him. The weird atmosphere became weirder when Kangin bowed his head to meet his lips, but the latter moved backwards. He was blushing, holding his mouth with his hand. He gulped as he looked at Kangin.

“Y-Youngwoon hyung-”

“It’s been a while since you called me that, Sungmin,” Kangin said. He could hear Kangin’s deep and composed voice despite of the fact that he drank some alcohol. “You can just drop the ‘hyung’ off, just like what Kyuhyun did.”

“Y-You... you knew-”

Kangin smirked and continued, “Of course I knew. And to be honest Sungmin, I would rather confess to you now than to confess everything to the members during our open forum. It’s better if we would talk about it instead. Do you know why I’m acting like this? I like you, that’s why.”

He stared at Kangin who looked away and moved away. He didn’t speak.

“Now that you know, what will happen to us now?” Kangin asked.

“Y-You told me before that you... would never like a guy-”

“Unfortunately, I already did, I did with you,” Kangin looked back at him. “If I did tell you sooner, would you choose me over Kyuhyun?”

“I-I... I liked you, hyung. B-but... it’s too late now. I love Kyu-”

“Stop it!” He yelled and glared at him. “I know that already! You don’t have to say it out loud! That’s why I hate myself. Because if I told you sooner, you... y-you...”

For the second time, he saw Kangin crying. It broke his heart. He didn’t want to see anyone cry in front of him. Especially Kangin. He was strong. He must not cry. Not in front of someone like him who was weak and vulnerable. He was incapable of seeing a strong man like Kangin cry in front of him, because of him. “S-Since when?”

Kangin wiped his tears like a real man and smiled bitterly, yet genuinely, as he remembered the day when he fell in love with he. “Since the day you first see me cry... that time when you were there, comforting me when I was having a bad time. During that radio show... I-I don’t know... it... it just happened. You saw me when I was weak. You saw me when I wasn’t the Kangin that you all knew.”

He remembered Kyuhyun’s confession. He felt guiltier to be honest. He still did not comment, rather, he pulled Kangin into a hug, but Kangin rejected it.

“D-Don’t... I’ll just... fall more for you. I’m sorry, Sungmin,” Kangin smiled and walked out the room. He was left, and after a few minutes of stopping himself, his tears fell as he looked at the photos of him and Kangin on his wall.

***

Sungmin could actually remember that night when Kangin was involved in a fight with someone after that incident. He asked him about that, and Kangin told him that it wasn’t because of him. He didn’t know what to believe though.

Kangin remained like that – drunk, and always alone. He wanted to go to him to ease his pain or anything that he was feeling that time, but he was too weak to do that. He was scared of rejection, just like ironically what he did to Kangin. So he felt guiltier and guiltier that he almost blamed himself why Kangin became so reckless and careless.

Then came October. It was Donghae’s celebration of his birthday when they all gathered together in one floor in a circle. And they played Truth or Dare. When Kangin was the one who would spin the bottle, the bottle’s mouth pointed to Kyuhyun. And Sungmin awkwardly looked at Kangin who was smiling and Kyuhyun who was excited.

Kangin dared Kyuhyun to tell his wildest secret to everyone. Kangin was anticipating to hear if Kyuhyun would actually reveal to everyone his relationship with Sungmin. Only Kangin, Ryeowook, Eunhyuk and Shindong knew, and no one else. Kyuhyun, without any hesitation revealed that he and Sungmin were already dating. Kangin gave a sigh and left the dorm without any word. Donghae asked him why, but he just smiled plainly and left. Leeteuk wanted to go with Kangin, but Kangin stopped him.

Kyuhyun kissed him on the cheek, but he looked on the ground, thinking that Kangin was really hurt.

“What happened to hyung?” Kyuhyun asked him. Sungmin just shook his head and stood.

“I guess, this calls the night. Happy birthday, Donghae. I-I’m going to sleep now,” he told everyone. As he turned his back, his tears dropped. He went inside the room and cried. He never wanted to see anyone hurt.

Kyuhyun asked him why when he went inside the room. But he told Kyuhyun that he was just tired. Kyuhyun bought that excuse and kissed him goodnight.

Then after that night, he learned that Kangin drank under influence and caused an accident. He drove away, from the incident and went directly to the dorm.

Sungmin was widely awake, while the others were not, so he went outside to breathe air. He saw Kangin, outside the dorm, shaking as he was leaning the door. He looked so scared – the face that he never saw before. He hurriedly went to Kangin and asked him what’s wrong. He got the strength to approach him then.

“W-What... happened?” He asked as he grabbed Kangin’s shoulders. He was crying, crying like a child who had a trauma about something. He was looking away from him. He could not look directly at him. “Hyung what happened!?”

“I-I... I hurt someone... I... I caused... S-Sungmin, I don’t know what to do... I c-can’t be imprisoned... I...”

He hugged him, tightly, like a hyung to his dongsaeng. He had that impulse to act as one to Kangin even if it was otherwise. Kangin hugged him back tightly as he cried on his shoulders. Kangin closed his eyes tightly; his fists, behind Sungmin, clenched tightly as well. He pulled away and grabbed Kangin’s cheek. “It’s okay now, hyung. It’s okay.”

Sungmin held Kangin’s fists securely while looking at Kangin who was already calming down. His fists that were tightly clenched became loose. His shaking unbelievably stopped and Kangin became calm and peaceful.

He held Kangin’s hand until they were warm. Until he was completely alright. He knew that it was the right thing to do that time.

***

They were inside Kangin’s car. No one was speaking. Kangin was looking in front of him, while Sungmin was looking outside, particularly nowhere.

Kangin broke the silence. “I’m going to confess my crime to the authority.”

Sungmin looked at him, bewildered.

“All those days, I’ve been portraying a perfect example of a strong person by bullying others – by bullying weak people. I didn’t notice that I became weaker and weaker that I needed help from someone. I was hurt when the anti fans were attacking me. I felt so helpless. But... you went to me and you told me that I was a person too. You reminded me that I was a coward, hiding in a strong name. And I loved you for that. I fell in love with you although I’ve always thought that love was just something that could ruin a person. Although I thought that it was wrong for me to fall for you. I became stronger again.

“I wished that you would love me too without making a move. To be honest, I was regretting that I told you that I won’t love a guy. I am eating those words now. When you became Kyuhyun’s, I thought that life would end just like that. The monster inside me ate me and I... I became careless. Until I became weak again. Maybe, loving you would make me strong but loving you too much would make me weak. So I decided that I would keep my distance from you so that I would not fall too much... or if possible, I can hinder myself from loving you too much. But everytime I see you, even if I don’t talk to you, I feel that I am falling deeper and deeper.

“And yesterday, I woke up from my dreams. I thought that Kyuhyun would not be strong enough to reveal everything about you and your relationship. I was wrong. I became more jealous because of that. I knew that... that he would love you more than I could. I knew that he was stronger than me. He was not scared about what people would think. I... I could not do that. So I left. I could not take it.

“Today, the thing that happened before came back again. I don’t know why... I don’t know how you calmed me just like that. It’s like my heart listens to you only. I couldn’t forget my love towards you, Sungmin. And even if you ask me to, I won’t. It will last forever. At least, if I commit myself to the authority, I... I may be able to forget the pain that this feeling brought me. I am going to go to the police station and accept my punishments.”

Sungmin felt that his tears were once again falling as he was staring at Kangin who was staring back at him. “I-I’m sorry... I’m sorry, hyung.”

Kangin showed a smile. “I knew Leeteuk hyung would be angry at me because of this. Don’t worry, I will tell him. I will tell him sometime.”

So then, Kangin went turned himself to the police station at nine in the morning. Kangin received his plea of being guilty that his schedules were all cancelled. Leeteuk was of course mad at him for doing that act. But after few weeks, they learned to accept it.

Kangin went back to his own house alone. He sometimes visited the members whenever they didn’t have schedules.

After few months, almost half a year, he decided to enlist to the army. Super Junior was there, of course, to accompany him to the military camp. Tears flowed and cries were heard. Sungmin remained looking on the ground. He still felt guilty that Kangin went to the army because of him. He wanted to cry, but everyone would be so suspicious, especially Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun and Sungmin cooled off after that incident. Sungmin asked Kyuhyun for a time, and Kyuhyun respected his decision. Although he didn’t know why, he let Sungmin think and have a time for himself. He didn’t ask further, because he knew that it would hurt Sungmin more.

Kyuhyun was there with Sungmin during that time when Kangin was about to enter the army.

“Kangin hyung told me to take care of you even if we’re not together anymore, so I am doing it,” Kyuhyun revealed to Sungmin. Sungmin peeked at Kyuhyun who was smiling. He also peeked at Kangin who was looking at him. Kangin went towards him.

“Don’t miss me too much, Sungmin,” Kangin told him when they were walking together towards the gate. “Two years... I think... it’ll be enough to recover. I promise you that, Sungmin. We would not be awkward anymore after those years.”

Sungmin gave a meek smile.

Kangin tapped his cap lightly. “I love you. Take care of the members, alright?”

Sungmin nodded. “I’ll miss you. I’ll be here when you come out. I promise you that.”

Kangin turned to everyone and gave a final bow before entering the camp. Sungmin, by that time, knew that they would eventually find a code to match them together. Sometime after two years, he believed that they wouldn’t be awkward anymore.

***

Sungmin went back to the reality. He went towards a post, hiding from there as he was listening to Kangin’s speech. Kyuhyun went towards him.

Speaking of Kyuhyun, he and Kyuhyun once again got back together after the fifth album promotions.

“Hyung’s still that huge,” Kyuhyun joked. Sungmin nodded as he smiled. “He still needed exercise.”

Donghae laughed, “Yah, if he hears you, you’re dead.”

They both laughed. They were all called on the stage. Sungmin stood at far side beside Kyuhyun. As he was walking towards the stage, he heard that Kangin was calling him. He looked at him.

“Hey! Hyung’s back! I hope we’re not awkward anymore,” Kangin told as he stretched his hand. “I told you I will miss you. Why didn’t you hug me awhile ago? Come here.”

Sungmin stretched his hand as well to receive Kangin’s handshake, but it turned out that Kangin wanted to pull him beside him.

Literally, he felt that they were the only two who were there at that moment. And funny, he remembered that he wasn’t wearing a makeup on so he would rather stay at the side.

He pulled his hand back. Kangin was still smiling, looking at him. “U-Uh... I don’t have my makeup on. I’ll just... hug you later.”

Kangin chuckled and nodded. He looked in front again, anticipating for that little hug that Sungmin would give him later.

And Sungmin could finally smile now. At least, he knew that he and Kangin weren’t awkward anymore.

They were back to where they both belong. As close friends.