44- Cry

Who Are You?

“Let’s not make hasty decisions now,” Suho says slowly, trying to smile but looking genuinely worried “It’s pretty late and emotions are running high right now.”

“Yeah, let’s wait until the morning to think this all through.” Luhan says, holding my hand and squeezing it gently.

“There’s nothing to think about,” I say softly. Everything feels like a complete effort, just standing upright is taking a lot of concentration. Who knew one boy could so effortlessly sap me of all my energy.

“You should come inside and sit down,” Kris says taking my arm and leading me back inside the jazz café.

Once inside, Kyungsoo and Baekhyun fuss over me, making me a hot drink and wiping the dried tears off my cheek. I go and sit at the back of the stage among the instruments, like puppets waiting to be brought to life. I rest my head against the drums. Chanyeol comes back with an armful of blankets.

“I’m not ill Chanyeollie,” I say with a laugh that sounds so pitiful I wince. I seriously need to get a grip.

“You don’t need to be ill to cuddle up with blankets,” Xiumin says, taking a blanket of Chanyeol. With a sharp movement the blanket unfolds with a whoosh in the air. I watch how graceful it is, how like the mast of a ship it billows and then gently falls to a rest on top of my knees.

“Me, Kris and Luhan are just nipping out,” Suho says, attempting a bright smile. “We won’t be long.”

“Suho,” I say softly, but the word drifts off in to a deep sigh. “Suho you don’t have to.”

“I’m just going to the shop,” Suho lies.

“All three of you?” Sujin snorts and Sehun nudges her as if to say you’re not helping.

“Four,” Hyoyeon pipes up, “I offered to drive them.”

“We need to find him,” Kris says, not even bothering to go along with Suho’s gentle twisting of the truth. “Something’s wrong with him.”

“We’ll be back soon okay?” Suho says, smiling at me before they all leave the café.

“I’m worried about him,” Tao runs an agitated hand through his hair, “He’s changed so much since I last saw him.”

“I just don’t understand,” Chanyeol wails, “He was fine before he came to the new school, it’s since he met Ara that he acts like this.”

“Ouch Chanyeol,” Baekhyun winces.

“Nicely said,” Kyungsoo hits him on the arm.

Chanyeol’s mouth falls open and he drops to his knees, taking my hands.

“I really really didn’t mean it like that,” He gasps, “That came out completely wrong.”

“It’s okay Yeollie, I know you weren’t trying to be mean,” I say, patting his hand, “But what you’re saying is true. This is because of me.”

“Don’t start blaming yourself,” Baekhyun says, sitting beside me and putting an arm around my shoulder, “There’s no one to blame for Kai’s behaviour apart from himself.”

“I just wish I knew what was up with him,” Sehun sighs, resting his head on Sujin’s shoulder.

“You and me both,” Kyungsoo mumbles.

I lay my head against Baekhyun’s shoulder and his hand my hair. The effort of keeping my eyes open even becomes too much and I close them and focus on breathing deeply. Images of Kai flash behind my lids. The first time he kissed me, the time we slept snuggled up in his bed, when he told me he would become a better person for me. My breath hitches and immediately my eyes burn with tears and a stone seems to grow in my throat.

“Oh Ara,” Sujin sighs, and I hear the true distress in her voice.

“I’m fine,” I say, “I’m fine,”

“Don’t cry,” Jongdae says, passing me a handkerchief. I attempt to wipe my tears off my cheeks but my hands are shaking and I can’t even focus.

“I’m not crying,” I lie.

“Here, let me do this,” Baekhyun says, taking it off me. Wrapping the tissue around his finger, he carefully wipes my cheeks clear. “Trying to tell everyone you’re not crying, yet this handkerchief seems pretty wet to me already. And I’ve only wiped one cheek.”

He gives a lopsided smile and his eyes are such a strong clear brown and so reassuring. And without warning, the part of the body that attempts to hold back tears seems to give up and my breath comes out in long rush and for a long time tears are just streaming down my cheeks and I can’t even make a sound. But then I manage to catch my breath, and even to me it sounds pitiful and raw like a person who has lost everything. Baekhyun puts both his arms around me and my hair.

“You might as well let it all out.” He says.

“I don’t want to cry now, not when the boys from China have arrived.” I say in between sobs.

“Okay you seriously need to start thinking about yourself sometimes,” Jongdae says and Tao nods earnestly.

“Don’t try and hold back for us, we want to be there for you when you’re upset too,” Yixing says.

“I’m going to kill Kai.” Sujin says viciously, “I can kill him right Ara?”

“I don’t think death rights are going to help right now,” Sehun says gently.

“Look what he’s doing to her!” Sujin says, “And where is? Nowhere to be seen as usual.”

I can’t seem to stop crying, it’s gotten to the point where my breath is coming out in quick involuntary gasps. I need to get out of here and get myself together.

“Chanyeol can you drop me home?” I say, moving out of Baekhyun’s embrace.

“Home?” He repeats as if it’s a foreign concept. I nod and get to my feet, rubbing furiously at my eyes. If I could at least hold it together while I’m trying to say goodbye that would be great.

“I need to go home and get my thoughts and stuff straightened out so I can face you guys tomorrow with a better appearance and mentality.”

“Seriously Ara we don’t care what you look like and we want to take care of your mental state.” Xiumin says.

“It matters to me,” I say softly, “Today didn’t turn out how it was meant to but the rest of the trip isn’t going to be like that. By tomorrow I will truly be fine.”

“You don’t have to keep making out that you’re fine,” Chanyeol says, “It’s okay to be upset sometimes.”

“I just don’t think you should be alone right now,” Kyungsoo says and Sehun nods in agreement.

“Nothing’s happened to me Kyungsoo-ah,” I say, attempting to smile. “I’m just a bit sad.”

“A bit sad?!” Sujin bursts out.

“Sujin please,” I beg, and she reluctantly sighs and lets me off.

“Please don’t leave because you don’t want us to see you when you’re upset,” Tao says,

“Even though today is the first time you’ve met us, you still mean a lot to us.” Jongdae adds.

“I know,” I say, looking at all their faces filled with care, “And I’m so grateful. But you said I need to start thinking about myself now, and this is something I need to do for myself.”

Jongdae looks down and nods reluctantly.

“Okay, okay we understand.”

I turn back to Chanyeol.

“So will you?”

After a pause he gets to his feet,

“Yeah…yeah of course,” His eyes are wider than usual, a sign of his confusion and worry.

Everybody gives me a hug, holding me for longer than usual.

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow don’t worry,” I say to the Chinese boys. They nod back at me, various faces of worry and concern.

“Thank you,” Yixing says quietly, “For going through all of that for us.”

 

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” Chanyeol asks for what must be the 100th time.

“Yes Yeollie I promise,” I say, unlocking my seatbelt. We’ve just pulled up at my apartment block.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come inside and see if Kai is there?”

“I can handle it.”

I give him a big hug to try and put him at ease; I can see that he’s having a hard time wrestling with his protective instinct.

“Phone me if you need anything okay?” He says,

“I will.”

“Promise?”

“I promise,” I say, linking my pinky finger through his.

I get out of the car and shut the door. I try and force myself to give an attempt at a cheery wave and he waves back at me sadly.

I turn away and enter my apartment block. The hallway light is already on, a sure sign that there is someone in the corridor. Three guesses for who that might be.

I go to push open the door to my corridor and then stop for a moment, sighing deeply and resting my head against the wood. I wonder if I even have the strength to talk to this guy right now. I pray my body won’t betray me and walk straight into his embrace.

I push open the door.

Sure enough he is there. Leaning against my door, looking at the ceiling, with one hand over his eye. His jacket is slung in the corner of the hallway and the veins in the muscles of his arms are apparent, which I’ve noticed happens when he’s tense and frustrated. All that’s audible in the corridor is the incessant tapping of his foot, probably matching the speed of his heart. As soon as he hears the creak of the door, he looks over and several emotions pass over his face.

“Ara,” He says, his voice breaking slightly.

As soon as I see him anger floods through my veins and impulses to my nerves are like lighters that set the nerves on fire. All previous signs of tiredness vanish as if they had never been there; I feel like my cheeks are burning scarlet with rage.

'Ara," He says again, pushing himself off the wall. I can already see the apologies forming in his throat, his dark eyes desperate and pleading. So many furious phrases and rude words are fighting to be let out of my throat all at once that I'm actually rendered speechless for a moment. His eyes rake all over my face as if to try and gauge my emotional state. "Ara are you okay? Huh? Talk to me, say anything, please. Say something.”

I draw my hand back and deliver a stunning slap to his cheek. His head whips to the side and his eyes widen in shock. Normally there would be a part of my brain that would be full of shock at what I’d just done, but for once it seems that it was a totally coordinated response from my brain; every part of me seemed to agree the slap was the most justified action to take. For a while all I can do is breath heavily, shakily, while Kai doesn’t seem to be breathing at all. His head is still to the side as if my slap has permanently reconfigured its position.

"Am I okay?" I repeat, as if it's a phrase I’ve just encountered for the first time, "Did I sleep well? Did I SLEEP?"

His head turns to face me again and I almost want to slap him again so his intense eyes aren't staring right at me, full of hurt and self disgust.

"Are you some sick joke?" I ask, "Do you find this entertaining? Is breaking promises a game to you?"

"No Ara I swear-"

"Don't speak!" I shout. The tears have started to get involved, making my words sound even rawer. "Don't say anything unless I ask you a direct question. All you know how to do is talk bull and make promises you can't keep and say hurtful things. You know what? Let's take a trip down memory lane Kai, let's remember all the empty as promises you've made me."

"Don't do this Ara," Kai begs me, biting his lip, tears falling steadily down his checks. His hands clutch at the air as he tries to grasp my hands but I step out of the way. "Please don't do this."

"Why is it going to hurt too much?" I ask, making my voice drip sarcasm like it's treacle. "Too bad. I want you to feel like an idiot, I want you to feel how you make me feel all the ing time. Like a fool, like someone without a brain. So let's start shall we. The night after someone broke in to my apartment, when you brought me Saja, what did you say to me? Let's see if you can get the first question correct Kai. I'll even give you a gold star."

"Please Ara stop doing this," Kai tries again to place his hand on my shoulders but I sidestep out of the way and his fists clench as he realises helplessly that he's not even allowed to touch me. "Ara I'm sorry please-"

"ANSWER THE QUESTION," I scream. The anger is flowing steadily throughout my veins as if my body is using cells to regenerate it like a type of respiration. 

"I said I never wanted to see you hurt again," Kai says finally, running a hand through his hair in distress.

"Good job Kai!" My voice sounds sickening even to my ears, "You got the first one correct! You said you never wanted to see me hurt again and yet here I am, feeling pretty hurt. But there we are, I guess that's just life.  Secondly, at Sehun's party what did you say to me Kai? Just refresh my memory. What did you say after we kissed for the first time?"

"I said that I was an idiot to hurt and you and that I would stop doing that immediately. Ara please don't do this to me, please please I am begging you with everything I have."

"Endure this." I say with quiet rage, "Just be quiet and endure this pain like I have endured it numerous times. Now thirdly, when you woke up after disappearing for how many weeks in the hospital, what did you promise to me? Say it Kai."

"I said that I will never hurt you again as long as I live,"

"And what else?" I prompt, tears spilling out of my eyes as I remember the conversation that took place in the hospital. There's still a painful twist in my stomach when I imagine him hooked up to those machines. Jongin bites his lips together and shakes his head, his eyes blood shot read and his hair all messy from his hands tugging at it. "You said," I continue slowly, it hurts so much to repeat the promises that he made to me now they've been smashed in to pieces, "You said this was a promise you could keep, I told you not to make promises you couldn't keep, I told you not to do that Kai, but you said that this a promise you could keep and you would never leave my side and that it would just take time for me to believe you but you meant it..." The words collapse in my throat and I burry my face in my hands, sobbing so much I can't even catch my breath. Once again I feel Kai's fingers near me and I stumble away.

“Don’t you dare touch me,”

"Ara just let me hold you, I beg you don't cry like this I can't, I just can't...I’d rather you hit me."

“Ha!” A twisted laugh bursts out my throat, “Why do guys like to say that? I’d rather you hit me then cry. If I was holding a knife in my hand would you still be saying those phrases?”

“Yes!” He says, eyes wide and I can see that he’s genuinely telling the truth, “If stabbing me would make you feel better then yes, if killing me-”

“Shut up!” I scream, because just the thought of Kai dying sends me in to panic. "A couple of days ago Kai," I shout, to distract it. I can't even see him clearly through my tears; all I see is a blurry mess and his own tear stricken eyes. "A couple of days ago what did you say."

"STOP!" He screams.

"I won't make you scared or upset ever again, I'll make you ha...happy." I point at him with a shaking finger. "That's what you said to me Kai. All those things, all those promises you've SMASHED in to pieces. You've smashed me in to pieces, you've truly ed me over, I can't even begin to describe the extent of the damage. Why did you save me from that attacker all those months ago Kai? Why didn't you just let him kill me?"

"Don't say that," Kai says viciously, "don't ever say that."

"WHY!" I wail, hitting my chest hard. "I'm already dying; I'm already in so much pain I can't even breathe properly."

Overwhelmed by his emotions, Kai pulls me against his chest into a tight hug. Even now, even now my body wants to just submit and allow his embrace, but I struggle against him, hitting his chest and trying to push him away.

"Let go- get off me, get off me," I cry, "Get off me get off just leave me alone just stop."

"No I'm not letting you go," Kai cries. His cheeks are drenched with tears. "Even if you hit me I'm going to stand here and be there for you. I'm going to fix you Ara,"

With inhumane strength gathered from somewhere, I push him away.

"Are you seriously about to make another promise?" I almost laugh, "Don't you understand Kai? You can't keep promises! You can't do it. You just can't do it." All at once the anger drains away and I am back to being emotionally drained. "And I'm not doing this."

Rummaging in my bag I pull out my keys.

"Wait!" Kai shouts desperately eyeing my keys, "Don't go inside yet let's just talk. Let's talk about this Ara..."

All I can do is look at him. My look must convey the extreme tiredness I feel as Kai's words tail off and his hand twitches as if to grab mine.

I put my key in the door and push it open.

"Do you want to know something sad?" I say quietly, turning back to him. He's standing in the hall way, shirt half on one golden shoulder, chest rising and falling quickly with each deep breath. 

"What?" His voice sounds child-like, and full of fear as if he's scared of the answer.

"The amount of time I sustained that anger for just then, the amount of hurt I feel...is because of how much I love you.  Ironic huh? And do you want to know something even sadder?"

He shakes his head, his eyes screwed up with tears,

“Please,” He whispers

"That's the last time you're ever going to hear me say I love you." I say clearly and calmly, and then I step into my apartment and shut the door.

----------

A/N: I'M BACK GUYS!

WOOO!!

My exams and tests have finished so it's summertime! That means long weeks of doing absolutely nothing apart from watching korean dramas and updating my beloved fanfiction! I'm sooo sorry it has taken me like two months to update but I was so stressed with school and everything but FINALLY! I AM FREE!

This is a pretty long chapter and I've proofread it like four times but I'm still sure that it's full of mistakes and stuff so mianhae in advance!

I hope this chapter is worth the wait and thank you so much for waiting for so long and commenting, I sincerely appreciate you all <3

Take care Yeoreobun!

<3

 

 

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Jeojadu
10/07/14 In the process of writing the next update! Don't worry guys I will be back soon

Comments

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katieboice
#1
Chapter 45: it’s been yrs and I come back to this site for this story sometimes HAHA I loved this sm yrs ago and I still love it now hahahha
shipwreckedeva
#2
Chapter 5: He's so caring jsnsk
shipwreckedeva
#3
Chapter 4: Lol up all nite
shipwreckedeva
#4
Chapter 3: Naurrrr theyre flirting to each other
shipwreckedeva
#5
Chapter 2: Lmao these two
shipwreckedeva
#6
Chapter 1: Oh cmon man its only 1st meeting yet u already screwed her up
shipwreckedeva
#7
Yassshhh baek sumin ma it gal
brigitapw
#8
I really hope i could finish this story somedayy:(
justmydailyrant #9
I am still hanging around waiting for this story to be updated some day
exospirit93 #10
Chapter 44: I think I’ve read this last chapter about a hundred times. It’s THAT good. Your writing and your words are so so so good at making the reader feel every emotion so vividly T_T I know this was last updated years ago and whether you finish this story ultimately is really up to you but I sincerely hope you never stop writing. You are seriously so talented!!