“Kai,” Suho’s voice is half a cry and half a laugh of pure amazement, “You don’t understand how happy I am to see you awake.”

Jongin, having evidently exhausted himself from speaking, only delivers a soft smile and takes Suho’s hand.

I step back and allow the rest of the boys to crowd around his bed. The happy smile is back on Chanyeol’s face as he tells Jongin ‘I knew you’d wake up, I knew you wouldn’t be able to lie still for long!’ Kyungsoo’s eyes are shinning with surprise and joy.

“You missed me right?” Jongin says and Kyungsoo punches him on the shoulder softly, cheeks red.

“You scared me for a second there Jongin,” Sehun says, blowing his fringe upwards.

“You scared all of us,” Baekhyun says, “I can’t even explain…”

“I’m know,” Jongin says softly, “I know. I’m sorry to do this to you guys.”

“Where were you Kai?” Kyungsoo asks, “Where did you go…”

“Later,” Suho interrupts, “He’s only just woken up; those questions can wait. But don’t think you won’t be answering them eventually Kai,” He adds sternly.

“Yes hyung. I know I owe you guys an explanation I just….”

“Ahh our patient is awake,” The Doctor from earlier bustles in. He still looks as tired as before but he manages to genuinely smile when he sees Jongin awake. “How are you feeling?”

“Ah I’m fine thank you,” Jongin says naturally.

“Yeah you’re obviously completely,” Baekhyun snorts.

“I guess you’re just chilling in this hospital bed for no reason right?” Chanyeol rolls his eyes.

“Yah…” Jongin whines, “Be quiet.”

“Even though I would have put it rather differently, they do have a point,” The Doctor says mildly, “You have suffered a rather serious injury. You’re lucky the knife missed a major artery…”

“Knife?” My breath catches and I can barely speak the word, “It was a knife that did that?”

Jongin looks at me, his gaze remorseful and bites his lip. My eyes stray over to his bandaged arm and automatically images of someone plunging a knife through his flesh, tearing through skin through muscle…

“Hey Ara,” Baekhyun says softly, steadying as my legs wobble, “Are you okay?”

Jongin’s watching us with a pained look on his face, as if he feels guilty for the images flashing through my mind. I can’t even bring myself to look at his arm; it’s like a switch that turns on the awful pictures in my head.

“Your vitals seem to be doing well, even though your blood pressure is a tad bit too high,” The Doctor continues, peering closely at Jongin, “We’ll keep you in for a few days of course to monitor your progress. Our biggest concern was your loss of consciousness, so it’s great to see you awake and talking.”

“Thanks for all your help Doctor,” Jongin says. He lowers his eyes. “I really appreciate it.”

The Doctor shrugs, with a gentle smile.

“Don’t mention it. I was glad I could help.” He casts his eyes around at the rest of us, “I’m going off my shift now and I don’t think the other Doctors will be so lenient as to let you all stay in here.”

“I take it that’s our cue to leave?” Baekhyun says.

“I’m afraid so, I’m sorry…” The Doctor smiles ruefully, “Only one visitor is permitted to stay overnight. Policy I’m afraid.”

“Don’t worry Doctor,” Suho smiles, “You’ve been kind enough to let us stay for this long anyway. We can always come back tomorrow.”

“Make sure you do,” Jongin says mock-sternly, “I don’t want you to all abandon me.”

The rest of the boys laugh but I feel words rising up my throat like vomit, determined to be said.

“Like you abandoned us?”

The smile slides of Jongin’s like rain down a windowpane. Baekhyun clears his throat and Chanyeol looks from me to Jongin anxiously. I fiddle with a piece of hair, refusing to look at him. All sorts of emotions are going through my head right now; the initial relief of him being okay is already beginning to settle down and hurt and confusion are pushing their way to the forefront.

“We should leave you guys to talk,” Suho says firmly. “Kai we’ll be back early tomorrow morning.”

“Which is only in a couple of hours actually,” Baekhyun says brightly, in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“Thanks hyung,” Jongin says slowly, “Thanks everyone for coming.”

“We’ll always come,” Kyungsoo says softly, “Every single time.”

After saying their goodbyes, the boys gather their things together and begin to file out of the door.

“Sejin says to call her as soon as you can or she’ll kick your ,” Sehun scratches the back of his neck, smiling at me sheepishly. I nod and give a tight smile.

“Chin up,” Baekhyun says murmurs, lifting my head with the tip of his finger until my gaze falls directly on his sweet smile.

Kyungsoo takes my hand and squeezes it and I squeeze it back. I remember how many times we stayed awake all night to talk about that person now lying in the hospital bed. Kyungsoo seems to remember too as he gives a soft shrug and then steps back.

“Take care and call me if you need anything.” Chanyeol says firmly, scooping me into a big hug.

“I will,” I say, voice muffled against his shoulder. We sway from side to side for a moment before he lets go and grins.

Finally Suho comes and as usual, just the sight of him has a calming effect on me. He too gives me a hug, sighing deeply. Before we part, he leans into my ear to whisper.

“Remember two things. Remember how it felt when it left. And remember how it felt when you opened the door and saw him.”

I nod and he pats my shoulder, before stepping away. The boys give one last wave and call of ‘Goodbye’ before they walk down the hallway, their steps much lighter then when they arrived. I shut the door gently.

“Ara.” Jongin calls. I turn around and look at him slowly. He looks devastated, his gaze one long line of distress right into my eyes.

As if on it’s own accord, my arm reaches into my pocket and brings out that crumpled and torn piece of paper.

“Do you remember this?” I say shakily, tears gathering in my eyes. Not that it’s any surprise; they are never far from my lids. Jongin almost winces at the sight of the note and opens his mouth to speak but I storm on, “This is all that you left me with.  A piece of paper on my pillow. Did you think it was romantic?”

“Ara,” He tries again. He leans up in bed, hissing with pain as he moves his injured arm but I’m too caught up to notice.

“Because it wasn’t Jongin. It was ing torture. ‘Wait for me’ what the hell was I waiting for? And for how long did you plan to keep me waiting? If you hadn’t turned up on my doorstep nearly half dead would I still be waiting? Would I still be wondering if you were alive? Would Kyungsoo still be coming to my house every evening, hardly even able to speak because it hurts him to know that you left us?”

I dash a hand across my face, angrily wiping the tears away because I’m so tired of crying, I’m so ing tired of crying.

“Ara come here,” Jongin begs. He shifts around in the bed, his eyebrows furrowed helplessly as he looks for a way to get up without disturbing his arm or the needles in his hand. “I can’t comfort you from other here and it’s driving me crazy…”

“Good,” I say viciously, “Maybe then you’ll know how it feels to see someone you need so bad stand just out of your reach so you can’t get to them. Better yet maybe I’ll just leave; then you can really feel the pain.”

“I’m begging you,” Jongin pleads, his eyes wide and imploring. “I’m actually begging you to listen to me. I won’t be able to stand it if you leave, I’ll get up from this bed even if it means tearing this needle out of my arm. Please, just stay.”

I stand with my hand on the door, breathing heavily. Part of me wants to push that door open and let him feel what I felt for all of these weeks, the betrayal and the desperation. But another part of me, a stupid large part of me, cannot walk away from him. That part of me is the part that forgives him whenever he does something stupid, that makes me forget all those tears that fell down my cheeks for him. That stupid large part of me is the love he has created and hidden deep within side me. That part of me is the connection between us, between me and Jongin and the reason I can never say no. That part of me has so much control over my mood and emotions and general well being.

That part of me has been heavily underestimated.

“I,” I begin, my voice a pitch higher and unsteady from trying to keep control, “I am not indestructible. Whatever you may think, I am not strong enough to keep feeling the way I do. Stop hurting me, I am begging you to just stop hurting me now. Just stop whatever you are doing, whatever games you are playing Jongin I’m serious.”

I turn around slowly to see the look on Jongin’s face. He looks distraught, shocked even at my outburst He raises his arm again, urging me to come to him and this time I allow that stupid large part of me to give in and walk into his embrace.

“I’m sorry,” He gasps, burying his face into my shoulder, “I’m so sorry to have done this to you.” His good arm squeezes me tight against him and I’m immediately wrapped up in his scent, so familiar to me it’s as if he’d never left. He pulls away and cups his face with my hand, smoothing the hair away from my tear stained face. “But that will all change. I’ll never hurt you again as long as I live, I promise.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” I say but Jongin takes my hand and places it on his chest, looking up at me with nothing but sincerity and care in his eyes.

“I promise,” He says firmly, “This is a promise I can and will keep. I will never leave your side again and I will protect you every single day. I understand if you can’t believe in my promise right now, but I will prove to you that I mean it.”

I say nothing. I just look at him steadily, searching in his eyes for any hidden meaning.

“What happened to you Jongin?” I whisper, needing this answer once and for all.

Jongin continues to look at me for several moments, before his gaze drops and he sighs deeply. Moving over on to the other side of the bed, he lifts up the covers so I can get in.

The sheets are crisp and stiff with being cleaned so thoroughly and I slide in until I hit a hard warm body.

Jongin is wearing no t-shirt beneath the covers.

I assume the Doctors must have torn it off so they could tend to his arm better. Jongin shifts, nudging for me to rest my head on his chest and I do so cautiously. His skin is soft and taut against my ear, and I can hear his heartbeat racing underneath his skin. I rest my hand on his stomach, feeling the slight indent of each muscle. Jongin nuzzles his head into my hair and his hand my shoulder. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t missed this with every nerve in my body.

“It’s nothing dramatic,” He mumbles. “I decided I was going to have a couple of days to myself, to get my head round some stuff. And then when I was on my way back, I ran into a gang and they decided to make some trouble. And I got hurt.”

"Don't try and make it sound as simple as that..."

"These type of things aren't that rare Ara. There are gangs all over the place; Korea isn't as safe as you think it is."

"But then why did they attack you? What are the chances of that?" I say. I feel his shoulders shrug.

"I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. It could have happened to anyone."

I'm getting frustrated, he's making everything sound so casual as if it's not a big deal he was about to knock on deaths door.

"But what did they say to you? What was their problem?"

"They just asked me where I was from since they hadn't seen me on these streets before. And when I wasn't interested in talking, they decided to get nasty."

Something doesn't match up,

"They hadn't seen you on those streets before? That means they stabbed you when you still were far away right?"

"Not far exactly..." Jongin mumbles.

"But still far enough. How did you make it home?"

"Does this matter?"

"Yes!" I lean up and look him in the eyes. When he sees I'm not going to let it go, he gives a resigned sigh.

"Some taxi passing by saw the state I was in and offered to take me to the hospital."

"So then how...?" My voice trails off. I have a sick feeling in my stomach. "You refused didn't you. You refused to go to the Hospital so you could come and see me. Just in case you didn't make it and I never saw you again."

"I promised I would come back," Jongin says firmly, "I told you to wait for me, it wasn't fair if you never knew what happened to me."

"Wasn't fair?" I get off his chest and bury my head in my hands, "God you're so stupid! How could you put your life in danger like that to come and say goodbye."

"I wasn't thinking straight..." He says softly, running a hand through his hair.

"You probably drove past the Hospital on the way to see me. Wouldn't it have been better to go straight to the Hospital instead of assuming you were going to die?"

"I know Ara, I know I know I know I told you I wasn't thinking straight. All I kept thinking about was the promise I made to you and that note that I left on your pillow. And if I was going to die I'd rather do it with you then alone in a hospital bed."

"And you understandably thought I'd be okay with watching you die right?" I say with heavy sarcasm.

Jongin's eyes widen slightly and he drops his gaze shamefully,

"I didn't I didn't think…"

"You don't seem to think," I sigh, lying down on his chest again. His arm immediately comes round me again and he rests his cheek on my hair.

"The body turns selfish on the brink of death," He whispers. "Usually it's so it can try and save itself. Mine turned selfish so I could have my last wish."

"And what was that wish?" I whisper. He shifts and tilts my chin up so I'm looking at him. This close, his eyes are so dark and intense, they're like a cloak that shrouds everything else in the room from my attention.

"To see you and kiss you one last time," He says softly, "And to tell you I'm sorry for everything and that I never meant to hurt you."

Tears are forming in my eyes and I'm getting a clenching pain in my stomach as if he really is telling me his last wish.

"And that, that last wish, overpowered your body’s instinct to save yourself?" I ask.

Jongin rests his forehead against mine, closing his eyes. Even with them closed I still feel the intensity of his gaze.

Slowly I sink back on to his chest, feeling stunned. He presses kisses against my hair and his arm clenches tighter around me, as if reassuring himself. I link one of my hands through his and squeeze it.

After some moments of quiet, in a quiet voice that's half a laugh and half a cry and full of suppressed pain, Jongin says:

"Yes,"