June 13, 2011.

As complicated as things are lately, I find myself talking with him. We met a few weeks ago, no little after I was dispatched from the Hospital and my anxiety attacks had been at an all-time high. This man… He enticed me, one way or another. We met in a way that it’s almost embarrassing, and I will probably never admit to anyone. It was an anonymous chat, and we were both having those days in which are hormones are wild. One thing lead to another, and it was the most amazing ual experience I had ever had in my short life. Being only sixteen, there wasn’t much to do anyway. I have never even been kissed. However, this man… He blew me away; my mind is still dazed to this day. He asked me for my email and I gave it to him mindlessly. I did not actually think we would ever talk again.

One day passes, and I see the first message from him. However, I ignore it. What we did was far too intimate, and I was still embarrassed that I had given so much to a stranger.

Another day, another message. This time I felt the need to answer. Three months later, I’m in love.

This man… He buried all my problems, he made everything better. I had never felt so sad, so lonely, but it was him who came and fixed me. I needed him more than anything. And to my surprise, he needed me as well. We talked every day except for those days he had to go to work. We had other very intimate conversations, but other times our talks were healing. It wasn’t so much for the intimacy, not any longer, but rather we found a connection. We both love to read, to write, and we’re both very passionate about life. Still, I have never seen his face nor has he seen mine. Every day I wonder if he will still find me beautiful when we meet.

We now talk about how we’ll live in his house, how we’ll wake up seeing each other’s faces. He will cook for the both of us because he knows how I lack. By then, he would have finished college and I would be starting. We don’t know how exactly we will make it work, we’re just looking forward to being together every moment possible. He says he loves me, and I always answer that I love him, too. He then says he loves me more, and he explained that it’s because he thought he had been in love before. However, it was nothing compared to what he feels now. He says he is not afraid of anything, but he is scared to death to lose me.

When I hear those things, I don’t really know what to say. I feel overwhelmed and scared, so I just reply coldly or in a funny way.

Because of my coldness, I have started many fights without the intention. All I really want is for us to live happily and have no arguments, but he can sense when I feel uncomfortable. He feels bad when makes me feel that way. Today he even threw up because he felt so bad and all I said was that I was annoyed for something he did. I didn’t know he had done it with so much love, and without knowing I had insulted his creativity. This makes me feel like I can’t say what I really feel, however I will continue to tell him the truth because I want us to have a healthy relationship, even if he feels bad for a while and I secretly cry because I can feel his pain even though we’re thousands of miles away.

He fears he’ll suffocate me, that he’ll love me so much it will drive me away from him. He does not see how committed I am to him that I ignore the suffocation I do feel some times. I bury it like he buried all my problems, because I know he is just a loving soul. I accept him in his totality and I wouldn’t change anything about him. If I did, he wouldn’t be my man, the one I love so dearly and want to take care of for the rest of my life.

June 13, 2013

I was supposed to meet him today. Seunggi, the one who I call my man. However, I missed the last train I need to take to get to his town. I came all this way and I realized how foolish I was being. To meet this man who I’ve only emailed with, who I’ve only seen in pictures and so recently as well. Two years since we met, yet he only started sharing pictures a few months ago. Did he even exist? I wondered as I looked for spare change in my coat. It was raining outside, however here inside the train station it was dry but cold. When I managed to find enough coins, I put one by one inside the payphone and dialed his cell phone. He gave me his number a week before when my trip was paid and ready.

I had spent the past half hour seated, wondering of what I should do. Wondering about the consequences of missing the train. However, I didn’t think of taking the next one. I asked for a ticket to one who would take me back home.

The phone rang three times before he picked up, his voice deep as I remembered it from our last call a few days ago. He answered very formally, obviously not recognizing the number. Our conversation was very short.

“Suzy? Where are you? Why aren’t you on the train?”

I didn’t answer, tears rolling down my face.

“Suzy? Suzy! What’s wrong? Should I drive there?”

This time… I found my voice.

“You’ll disappear one day…so I would rather spend my whole life hiding… Hiding my heart away.”