Review for XiuMini & conchobar // Reviewed by: pilsuk123

Title and Story link:  

Silent Melody (Ongoing, reviewed with 6 chapters)

Title: (20/20)

Silent Melody wasn't only perfect but it's also extremely original, catchy, simple but yet so ideal! I think the best element of the the title is that it's suits the story so well that I couldn't see another title that would be better than itself. It's also the main highlight and main plot idea of the story and it refers to Jongdae's silent melody and the more I read the title, the more flawless and beautiful it is. Moreover, it gives off a melodrama and angst feels. Perfect!

Overall Appearance: (5/5)

I cannot not give you full score for it's overall appearance. One look, even from the f/d, it's so pretty, clean and organize. From the f/d, which is organized beautifully well and organized in such a clean manner. To the chaptered overall appearance of the quotes in the beginning and the layout which gives off an angst and dark feeling while reading. The quotes in the story are all relatable and amazing, some of my favorites are the Harukami and John Steinbeck one which are also authors of books I read!The poster, don't even start, it's so pretty! Although, I have to add that the size for the chapters font can get pretty small but I guessed enlarging it would spoil the whole image the story is going forward to.

Description and Foreword: (16/20)

The description content was a bit to my disappointment now that I've read all 6 chapters of the story. You've set the bar real high for the story plot and beautiful and moving writing style but the description fall short. Overall wise, the description kind off gives off a bit too much that while reading the story, I know that Jongdae loves singing that he fights for it because he bargained with him parents for it, and also from the description, we know that he's going to lose his voice. So it feels that the surprise and ending of the story was kind of a give away. Or at least the chapters so far are kind of summarized all in the description which made it not as exciting to read without much knowledge. The first two paragraph of the story was wonderful and good (the one about introducing about Jongdae not being able to sing anymore) but after that, the scene about Jongdae begging with his parents was slightly off topic to be places as a description. 

However, I have to admit that it reels in readers from the description but I think it'll have the same effect if you would to keep some parts vague. For example, you can write about how the most important thing in his life might be taken away. This way, readers would be determined to read the story till the end with them being excited about the unsure ending of the story. The first paragraph of the description was exactly what I meant in the example but maybe try to twist it to be slightly vague.

Otherwise, again, the appearance of the story's d/f is extremely pretty ide. Even the Writer's words corner and crediting and Jongdae icons are all just flawless.

Plot: (25/30)

I love how the story revolves a tragedy happening to someone but it's much more with the addition that it's something that because it's happening to Jongdae, the main vocalist of a band, someone who loves to sing more than anything in his life. It made the story so much more dramatic and emotional that way. It's even more for me because I know Jongdae really liked singing and moreover he's bless with that gift to reach those high notes. The building of the story was admirable and it leads up to the of the story well. I love the introduction of the story with the members around him and all taking it lightly mistaking it as a flu and also about the lip-sycing part. It pains me that he have to lip-syc and get critize by people for it when he's sick. It also brings a lot of light in me about idol life and how fans can really get greedy and vicious without giving much consideration. With the Kris' incident earlier, this story made it even harder for me. It's as though everything about 11 members and performing and falling sick, it reminds me so strongly of Kris but with Jongdae in a similar state in the story. Coming back to the story, no doubt it's extremely interesting and engaging. You put into not just about Jongdae in the story but also about friendship among members, idol life, fans' inconsiderate action and much more. It builds layer to a story.

The only thing I want to point out is the focus of the story. The story's focus seems to be rather spread out and inconsistent at some point. To point out, one is at first it looks like the story was during the Mama period and them preparing for wolf comeback but through the later chapters, they're promoting wolf?... The timing was a bit hard to be absorbed in. It also refers to how the story is written, some thing a particular distraction takes about 5 long paragraphs in the story and I'm lost. For example, Jongdae in the surgery, baekhyun and band crying and arguing and being frustrated, and back to the surgery result only at the end of the story. You can try to remind readers once in a while the focus and timing of the story there. While in between Baekhyun and his train of thoughts, you can write in between about his coming back to worry about Jongdae etc. Also, during Baekhun's part, although it gives a unique insight to the story, it would be nice to add in more about his parents since you wrote about them opposing(?) in the description?

My favorite chapter so far has got to be chapter 6! So far, although there's some parts which I feel was a bit off, it's still interesting and I was always reading because I'm excited to know what's next but all along it's nothing surprising or isn't any good and original plot twist in the story. The only plot twist I can think of was the one about him recovering to the surgery only to be informed it's been rather unsuccessful and he can possible lose his voice forever. You should continue to add such pleasant and genuine plot twists to the story more, I'm sure it's more engaging this way. The scene about Jongdae and his manager in danger when fans start to swam around them was adrenaline rushing and awesome!

Originality: (18/20)

The originality of the story are mostly evoke by the way you had written the story! Other than that, I've actually read countless stories about a artistes unable to create due to their hands, dancers losing their legs, people going blind and so on but what made yours special and original is how you write the story with the original scenes I've mentioned in the 'Plot'. Another original and lovely thing in the story is how you wrote the story without . God, how long have it been since I've read a story about pure brotherhood friendship in exo instead of them liking each other or it being a story so THANK YOU! Last but not least, continue how you're writing, I'm dying to know what's Jongdae going to do by heading to SME. And try to work on more plot twists and surprising/original scenes into the story to make it unforgettable!

Language: (18/20)

Even just by reading one chapter, it's obvious that you guys put in a lot of effort in the story by making it as perfect and flawless as possible and it is! There was barely anything I want to correct because all of it are just as great as it is! There is something I'll to voice out though about extremely long sentences. The sentences can get really long in some of the paragraph, some almost as long as 5 lines. Try to break them down and make them into fuller yet perfect and short sentences (An example in writing style). Also, sometimes the conversations in the story can go 4-5 lines without breaking.

Here are some of the sentence that was a bit weird and one typo below:

Chapter 1:

-The look immediately caused Jongdae to nod in response before being bombarded by even more words of concern and encouragement from the other members in their usual boisterous ways, determined to continue crowding even more around him, almost suffocating him with how close they were getting to his person. 

(The look immediately caused Jongdae to nod in response before being bombarded by even more words of concern and encouragement from the other members in their usual boisterous ways, determined to continue crowding even more around him, almost suffocating him with how close they were getting to him in person.)

>'to his person' was a bit weird for me so I suggest 'him in person' instead but please feel free to ignore this

Chapter 2:

-His throat was taking the brunt of the abuse he was putting his body through, feeling like it was on fire or that he was swallowing glass whenever he ate, drank, or even breathed wrong.

(His throat was taking the brunt of the abuse he was putting his body through, feeling like it was on fire or that he was swallowing glass whenever he ate, drank, or even breathed.)

>I don't really know what 'breathed wrong' is so I assumed whenever he's breathing it hurts too but I can be wrong too.

-Deep breaths, it won’t help your larynx by irritating the tissues around it by trying to breath so quickly.

(Deep breaths, it won’t help your larynx by irritating the tissues around it by trying to breathe so quickly.)

Chapter 5:

-The 'unlike me' going unsaid as he continued to stare into space, his knees now situated against his chest as his body created a little ball to physically shield him from anyone that tried to get into his personal space, a fragile shield of pride being the only thing to keep him from pouring his emotions on others, he couldn't help but whisper, "Yeah, he would never think that, would never be as cruel as me."

(The 'unlike me' going unsaid as he continued to stare into space, his knees now situated against his chest as his body created a little ball to physically shield him from anyone that tried to get into his personal space, a fragile shield of pride being the only thing to keep him from pouring his emotions on others, he couldn't help but whisper, "Yeah, he would never think of it that way, ever. He would never be that cruel.")

>I thought by breaking the two up, it would make more sense and it complete the sentence more that way.

-During China. Jongdae and Tao had gotten quite close as the two bonding over food and dramas during their downtime and situated next to each other on shows and appearances. 

(In China, Jongdae and Tao had gotten quite close as the two bonding over food and dramas during their downtime and situated next to each other on shows and appearances. )

>This sentence have the perfect length, not too long. I just changed 'In China' instead of 'During China' here.

Writing Style: (20/20)

I'm absolutely in love with the story's breathtaking and beautiful writing style. You take your time with your writing style and build the chapter up really well. The range of vocabulary is just wonderful and you're able to make good use of the vocabulary well too! You also managed to convery and deliver the character's emotion and thoughts in the story so perfectly without effort. It so good that I can easily just close my eyes and pick one sentence from each chapter and it automatically becomes tumblr/quote worthy. 

The only thing you need to be more aware of is long and draggy sentences and break them apart to make them effective in delivering and moving readers. The description of the story (“But... But... You know how much I love singing! I want to show the world just how good I am, what an amazing singer I can be! Please, just let me have this chance! I promise, I won’t let it go to waste.”), you break them up and it sounds even more angst and sad. It delivers even better that way, you just have to type it the way you want it to sound like. 

An example:

"Why can't you and the others learn to mind your own business and take care of someone that actually needs it instead of wasting your time on someone like me who doesn't want you guys here? Why do you think I need a babysitter or that you have the right to do what you are doing? Why do you think I don't need to be alone? Why do you think I need you, Chanyeol, or any of the others' comfort right now? Why do you think that, because all I want to do is be left alone and wait for the news about Jongdae myself. Is it a crime for me to be alone? Is it wrong for me to just want to be by myself and not have to tell you guys what I’m thinking? Do you really need a play-by-play?"

(To something like this: ''Why? Why can't you just leave me along and mind your own business?!...'')

Characterization: (26/30)

First off, I wouldn't recommend featuring all 12 members because it makes it hard to elaborate them and build their character in the story but actually you did a pretty decent job. The chapter with Baekhyun's focus definitely helped a heaps in the characterization part because we get to see things differently in his point of view and his character and his relationship with Jongdae that goes all the way back since trainee days. However, in that chapter, I realized that it gets really draggy and slow at one point because he's constantly going back and forth to trying Jongdae deserves it to Jongdae thinks he's not a good vocalist to not to yes to no to yes and no again. It was a bit draggy and confusing because it was all in his thoughts. Jongdae's character was portrayed the best here, no doubt, I feel that I know him. That's how good the characterization for him was. 

I remember there was also another inconsistent character part which is Suho and Kris. The incident where the manager almost died with Jongdae because of thos fans and I thought the first all of them is going to do is care and calm Jongdae down because their character in the beginning chapter was sweet, stern and most importantly caring but it caught me off guards at how they reacted. Not only did they scolded and give an earful scolding to the already tired and scared Jongdae but they even mentioned about how they should act like his age. I was so damn furious at that point of time because they should understand Jongdae... But that's nothing important. The important thing here is be careful who you want readers to visualize the characters as. If from the start they're written as on Jongdae's side, try to keep it that way throughout.

The interesting characters in the story has got to be the SM staffs and people from their company. Their character definitely played a huge part in the story and it's a great and special ''characters'' to the story. To be able to see how it's all just meant to business for them and I'm dyinggggg to know what happens next with Jongdae heading to SME. Dyinggggg to know.

Flow: (25/30)

This might really get confusing but I'll try my best. The story's pace can get really slow because some parts which can be delivered with just shorter paragraphs/sentences are dragged out in chapters but the overall story's pace was way too fast for me. For me, the story has only developed and I'm getting attached to it but you told me that the story would probably end in the tenth chapter. It might be too fast to end at 10th chapter, depending how you're continuing with the story and how you want the story to end. But I feel slightly more towards the story just being developed and it's pace is slightly slow at the same time. The flow of the story was controlled well and except for some time confusion and current scene confusion, the story's flow was smooth sailing. The transition between the end of the chapter to the next chapter wasn't as great though because the new chapter sometimes start off without any connection to the previous chapter which means it starts on a new and fresh part but it hasn't caused major confusion, just be careful with the transition part and try to center the chapter on one scene/part.

Reader's Scope/ Overall Enjoyment (4/5)

I definitely enjoyed the story but I can honestly say that I enjoyed the way the story had written even more than the story itself. If the story was written with a complete different style, it will come out different and not as special. The angst and drama in the story was just ideal and just enough for many to enjoy! I think I loved the story even more because of the many special elements you added in the story and about fans action towards their oppar can sometimes hurt... Awesome story! ^^

Bonus (+8)

I could hear my heart breaking - "Joonmyun could only nod before doing what was expected of him, because Jongdae may be sick, may be going to the hospital, but the world didn't stop for one person. And in the idol world, that was even more true." I can relate to the story so much before but it's even more relatable and heartbreaking with the recent Kris thing... Also, bonus points for featuring Jongdae as the main character, I feel the need to read more chen focused stories which aren't enough but still! And for putting in so much effort and making it as perfect and as flawless as it is! 

Final Score/ Total (185/200) = 92.5%

A/N:

A small note here is that I realized that I wrote the review to specifically to one author all the time that I failed to realize that there's another co-author so I hope that for every 'you' in the review, please do refer it to 'you guys' instead because conchobar is the co-author of the story as well. Also, congrats for the feature! It's definitely deserving of it so two thumbs-up! I'm glad that XiuMini's father's surgery was successful and since I don't know how long ago it was but just in case, I'm going to wish him a speedy recovery :)  All the best with the story and the ending too! I'll be anticipating your next update <3

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