*chapter thirty four;

August passed and September came, the extreme hotness of the summer gave way to the mild warmth of the late September sun.

Luhan looked out of the window while the teacher wrote something on the board, holding his pen tightly in his hand. He was hurt because he wrote that letter to Soah and although he never intended to give it to her after all that had happened, he was still devastated that it was gone. A part of him wished that she would have read it, but another part of him was convinced, that it was better if she didn’t. He didn’t know why though, he just felt it.

Soah didn’t come to school for a week and Luhan was scared. Every time he entered the classroom, his gaze wandered to Soah’s desk just to find out that she wasn’t there. Day after day he was hoping to encounter her and day after day, he was disappointed. He didn’t know what to say to her or how to behave, but there was nothing he wished more than for her to come back.

He couldn’t deny it – he felt lonely without her.

He woke up every day with an abysmal feeling, not knowing what it was that made him feel that way until, after seconds, his memories were recalled. Luhan didn’t know anymore what it was like to wake up in the morning and not feel sad. He couldn’t be happy without his other half and he realized this every day more and more.

The day he returned to school after her confession was probably one of the worst in his entire life. He was struggling whether to beat the homeroom teacher up or to silently kill him and Luhan always found himself torturing him in his head. It was disgusting. Those thoughts were disgusting, but he couldn’t look away from the man who hurt his beloved girlfriend either. He had to imagine the scenes which had happened between them both and he always ended up being angrier than before, finding himself in a state where he had to decide to go outside to calm down or grab the man and smack his head against the wall.

Luhan had never thought that he would feel that way. That he would feel so much hatred for a person he looked up to. The anger was bundled in him, growing every time he had to see the face of his teacher and that guy knew how much his student despised him. Luhan could see it. His gaze told everything. It was something between amusement and mockery and Luhan hated it.

Since that day, he never looked at his teacher the same way as before.

Even if he and Soah had their differences now.. his senior was still the one who had hurt her so much and Luhan couldn’t forgive him for what he had done. Because of him, she was so traumatized, because of him she was so scared of being touched and because of him, she pushed everyone away who tried to get near her.

He would never forgive him.

Luhan couldn’t imagine what would had happened when he hadn’t had been there to save her, to comfort her and to love her with everything he had. And he wanted to make up with Soah, because he missed her so much.. but he couldn’t.

The cinema in his head played wild videos and he couldn’t turn it off. Everything he saw was Soah and his teacher and although he knew that it was before she fell in love with him – it still hurt. Seeing them together, even if it only was in his mind, made his heart tighten in a painful way. It would have been much easier if the guy had been a stranger to him – but not his teacher. It was even worse. He didn’t want to think about them, he didn’t want to imagine anything anymore, but he was helpless. It was so much to take, so much to handle that he was just looking for distraction.

Luhan needed time, but he didn’t know how long.

***

A week later, Soah still didn’t come to school. Like always, Luhan was looking out for her, but neither of them texted or called each other anymore.

He missed her voice, her missed her beautiful smile, he missed her sparkling eyes, he missed her gentle touches when she was looking out for his hand.. he missed her whole presence although his mind said that he still wasn’t ready to see her.

His heart insisted otherwise. It always had.

There were moments when Luhan thought that Soah would call him, moments when he looked whether his phone showed new messages just to be disappointed. There were also those moments when he was sitting in his room, looking out of the window just to expect her walking around the corner, waving at him like before. He even betted that he heard her voice sometimes, but whenever he turned around, he found himself alone.

His life was dull without her.

But apparently she didn’t want to see him either and it hurt him if she was really feeling that way. Was she thinking of him? Was she still looking out for him? He didn’t know, but he was thinking of her almost every time. When he drifted away, he found his thoughts were always her, because everything reminded him of Soah. They did so many things together that everything reminded him of her.

The saddest part was that, although this feeling of missing her almost drove him crazy, he still couldn’t manage to contact her.