UNWAVERING THOUGHTS

 

 

Lu Han almost forgets how to breathe when he’s being this close to meeting Cara in person once again. He tells himself he’s ready to face whatever’s going to happen, but he’s actually not. What if he hurts her again? He doesn’t even know which part of his doing that hurt her like that! He never wanted to hurt her, not in this or in his next life.

 

But Lu Han climbs back to his feet and steps forward with shaky hands and sweaty palms. Cara’s sister opens the connecting door—the one that connects the main part of the store to the kitchen section—and Lu Han holds his breath when he sees her.

 

Cara is standing with a white bowl filled with dough in her arms. She’s wearing a simple white dress—knee-high long with long sleeves—and a matching white apron covering her front. Her hair is unmaintained; brown locks falling all over her face as she stirs the wooden spoon to fuse the dough with more sugar and eggs before she proceeds to the kneading. Lu Han notices a silver bracelet on her right wrist, which makes her skin look even more pale and unhealthy. Her body is thin and frail. Her lips are chapped and dry, and her lower one is even bleeding a little and she keeps on biting it, perhaps out of habit. Lu Han remembers that she used to bite the cap of her pen whenever she’s nervous. Maybe this one starts from there.

 

And when her sister calls her name, she looks up and drops the bowl of the dough to the floor. The sounds ringing through the entire room, and she backs away with a gasp until her waist bumped against the kitchen counter. There’s a low shriek coming out of but she quickly covers it up by nibbling harder on her lower lip. Her pupils are blown, wide in surprise and fear.

 

Lu Han almost breaks down to his knees seeing her like this.

 

Because if it’s true…

 

Because if it’s him who turned her like this…

 

Then how can he ever forgive himself?

 

“Cara,” he whispers and her body trembles under his stare. Lu Han bites his own bottom lip to stop himself from running to her spot and protect her from whatever it is that’s scaring her. But if the one person she’s scared about is himself, then he doesn’t know what to do.

 

“If you can talk to her,” Cara’s sister’s voice comes beating through his eardrums, “If you can help her and bring her back to how she used to be, I would forgive you and be forever grateful.”

 

And with that Lu Han dares to take a step forward.

 

“STOP!” Cara yells, her voice piercing through his ears. “Stay where you are!”

 

“Cara, please,” Lu Han pleads, “Don’t you remember me? It’s me, Lu Han.”

 

“Just go,” she starts sobbing, tears prickling on each corner of her eyes. “Just go. Please. Just leave me alone.”

 

Lu Han even calls her by her real name, and yet she still doesn’t budge. She even closes her ears with her palms right now.

 

He tries again. “I’m not gonna hurt you, I swear—”

 

“LEAVE!”

 

Lu Han panics, but moreover, he grows frustrated of this situation. This can’t be going on like this forever. He has to fix this somehow.

 

It starts with a random thought that pops up in his head but he doesn’t have anything else to rely on, so he follows it, even when he knows it looks ridiculous. Lu Han drops his blazer to the floor and unravel his tie and brings it down from the collar of his white buttoned down shirt. With much effort, Lu Han knots the black tie around both of his wrists, making sure it looks convincing enough for her to know that he can’t touch her even if he wants to.

 

“Look, look!” Lu Han turns around, showing her how his arms are bind together with his own black tie. “My hands are tied. I can’t touch you. I can’t hurt you. Can’t you see it?”

 

Cara takes her hands off her ears, but she still whimpers soundly under her shaky breath. Her body is still quivering quiet hard.

 

“Look, Cara, I’ll even close my eyes,” Lu Han says, immediately closing his eyes, welcoming the darkness that soon appears behind his closed eyelids. “Do you trust me now? I can’t even see you. I don’t know where you are. I can’t hurt you even if I want to. And I swear to God, I won’t hurt you. Do you hear me?”

 

He is answered only by the silence and the sounds of Cara’s shallow breathing. Lu Han tries to even his own breath as he waits and waits and waits, until he can’t hold it anymore, so he begs.

 

“Cara, please. I just want to talk.”

 

And he still doesn’t dare to open his eyes, even if she doesn’t answer him. He just stands there, with his hands tied loosely with his tie behind his back. His eyes are closed tightly as he prays—even though he doesn’t really believe in God, but he keeps praying.

 

Please let her answer me. Please let her tell me what’s wrong with her. Please let her say what I did wrong so I can fix it. God, if you’re there, please.

 

“Lu… Han…”

 

It’s just a single call of his name but Lu Han’s heart almost leaps out of his ribcages.

 

“Yes...” Lu Han’s shaky breath flows softly from his mouth as his lips curl into a smile. “Do you remember me now?”

 

And Cara doesn’t answer for a moment that feels too long for him to wait, so he opens his eyes and glues them to her teary ones.

 

“Cara,” Lu Han calls, wanting to wipe the new hot tear under her right eyelashes with his thumb. “Cara, I miss you.”

 

And she breaks into tears again; small whimpers coming from her parted lips. “Lu Han…” She sobs, burying her face in her hands. “Lu Han… Lu Han, I’m scared...”

 

It takes all control of his body to stop himself from reaching and wrapping his arms around her, and Lu Han almost loses it at the last second but Cara’s sister catches his hand in time.

 

“I think you should leave,” she says, voice flat and cautious. “Now.”

 

“But—” Lu Han’s protest dims down as he sees the poor girl falls to the floor, hugging herself as she sobs and chokes on her own tears.

 

“You can come back tomorrow if you want,” the lady says, placing a smile that somehow looks similar to Cara’s usual sad one. “Just leave her alone for today, please.”

 

And Lu Han leaves, although his heart never does.

 

***

 

Later that night, Lu Han keeps moving around on his bed. He tries to catch the sleeping hours he’s been missing but no method seems to work. He has tried counting sheep (or in his case, counting every color on Sehun’s head); listening to soft, classical tunes from his iPhone; reading the hotel services book, but nothing ever works. His thoughts keep on coming back to that particular girl with hazel eyes.

 

As if that isn’t already hard enough for him, he has to deal with the pain at the back of his head too. The more he tries to shut his mind, the more lightheaded he gets. It’s not a surprise for him, really. He gets headaches all the time from many different causes: lack of caffeine, too much pressure, tension and stress.

 

He weakly smiles to himself.

 

I’m currently dealing with every cause I just mentioned now, aren’t I?

 

Lu Han blinks slowly, eyes framed on the ceiling of his suite (yes, Kris is still forcing him to stay in that overly luxurious five-star hotel). And the man barely moves when his iPhone rings repeatedly, indicating that there’s a call that needs to be answered.

 

Lu Han only picks it up after the fifth ring, with his eyes still gazing idly at the ceiling. “Hello?”

 

“Hyung?” Sehun’s voice comes from the other line, somewhat sounding deeper than usual.

 

“Sehun-ah,” Lu Han breathes out, and finally closing his eyes. “Why are you still awake? It’s late.”

 

A pause. Then, “Hyung, can we… Can we talk?”

 

Lu Han knows exactly what he wants. Ever since he went to Beijing, Sehun had always been calling him in the middle of the night just to hear his voice. The younger one used to tell him that sometimes he got too scared to sleep alone so he needed to hear Lu Han’s voice to relax him—like a lullaby to a baby. The first time Lu Han heard his reason, he laughed loudly and even mocked him a little about it (saying, “Hold up, Sehun-ah, am I your girlfriend? You’re not in love with me again, are you?” which would be replied with another nagging whine from the other boy, “Hyung, can you please just drop it already?”). It was very childish, really, but Lu Han never actually complained about it. Because truth to be told, talking to Sehun every night made his lonely days in Beijing a little better. That way, he could forget about Cara for a while.

 

But no. Not today.

 

Today he wants to be alone.

 

He’s been through a lot of stress today and what he needs is sleep. Just a long, undisturbed sleep.

 

“This is not the right time, Sehun-ah,” Lu Han says, voice filled with weariness.

 

Sehun stops whatever he’s doing; Lu Han can’t even sense his breath. The Chinese man even starts to think that maybe the line goes dead.

 

But then Sehun speaks again, “Did you go to her place today too, Hyung?”

 

Lu Han notices the icy cold tone in Sehun’s voice, but tries to ignore it. “Yes.”

 

Another pause. “And I take it, it didn’t go well?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then…” Lu Han can sense the hesitation in his voice before the boy continues, “Do… Do you want to talk about it, Hyung?”

 

Even though he can tell there’s something Sehun is hiding—because face it, he never wants to talk about Cara, does he? So why now?—Lu Han just wants to let everything go for now. Thinking about Cara and her current situation is already hard and exhausting enough for him.

 

, my head hurts.

 

“Sehun-ah?”

 

“Yes… Hyung?”

 

“You know I tell you everything, right? But please, not now. I need some time alone. I need to sleep.”

 

There’s another silence before the boy on the other line answers. “Hyung, I… I’m really hoping we can talk about something—”

 

“Yeah? About what then?” Lu Han asks with a tone a little bit too harsh for his own liking, but he can’t help it. “Is there something that you just have to talk about right now?” The pain at the back of his head starts to thrum like a hammer against his skull, and it makes his mood sink even lower.

 

“N-no… Hyung.”

 

The pain in Sehun’s voice stands out vividly, but Lu Han can’t seem to care for now.

 

I’m sorry, Sehun, but please... Not today. Not when I’m feeling like daggers are sinking into my skin.

 

Sehun seems to know when is the perfect time to stop and Lu Han can’t be more grateful for that. “I guess, I just missed you, Hyung. We didn’t get to talk much yesterday.”

 

“We’ll talk some other time, I promise,” Lu Han quickly says, ready to end the call. His head throbs even harder and he really needs to get some Acetaminophen in him. “Good night, Sehun-ah.”

 

“Wait, Hyung—”

 

He ends the call before Sehun can say anything more.

 

That night, Lu Han spends his hours alone, hovering above the sink in the bathroom and vomiting his insides. His eyes get teary when something bitter comes up to his tongue and he coughs repeatedly. After taking his pills, he gets better but even though the ache in his head decreases, the dull pain in his mind never leaves. Let alone the one inside his chest.

 

***

 

“What do you see in this girl anyway, Hyung?” Sehun asked, lying on his stomach on Lu Han’s bed as he flipped another page of his One Piece manga.

 

“Yah!” Lu Han slammed a pillow right on his head. “What did I say about not touching my bed? Get up!”

 

“Hyuuuung~” Sehun whined in that spoiled tone of his as he rolled himself back-and-forth on Lu Han’s bed and the older one stared in horror as his sheets got all wrinkled.

 

“Oh God, I just made my bed! Damn it, Sehun!” Lu Han pokes Sehun’s abs again and again until he laughed uncontrollably from the tickles, and finally rolled himself down to the floor.  Lu Han hurriedly made his bed again.

 

“But seriously, Hyung,” Sehun said, moving to lie around on Baekhyun’s bed instead. Thank God the eyeliner boy wasn’t there at the moment—otherwise, he would’ve flipped. “I know she’s pretty and all. I’ve seen her. But there are so many other pretty girls you can get, why do you have to be so obsessed with this one? You seriously need to move on. Didn’t you tell me that she was in love with Baozi-Hyung?”

 

“I can’t explain it, Sehun-ah,” Lu Han responded, sighing while he sat legs-crossed on his bed, “there’s just something different about her. Like, every time I see her, there’s these… I don’t know, sparks? They just won’t go away easily, even after she told me she loves Baozi, I still can’t get them away.”

 

“Sparks? My mom reads Nicholas Sparks’s novels a lot,” Sehun comments randomly, “She likes to shove one of his books down my throat, telling me that I shouldn’t read too much magazines. But Hyung, it’s Miranda Kerr, how can I not read it?”

 

Lu Han gives him a look. “That’s great and all, but I think we’re getting a little off topic here.”

 

“Miranda Kerr is a lot hotter than your ‘Algebra Girl’—” Sehun made an air quote with his fingers “—so it’s okay for me if we’re getting off topic.”

 

“But my ‘Algebra Girl’—” Lu Han imitates his move “—is much cuter than Miranda Kerr.”

 

“No one is cuter than Miranda Kerr, Hyung. Get real.”

 

“Do you ever really care about me, Sehun-ah?”

 

“Of course I care about you, Hyung. But we’re talking about Miranda Kerr here—”

 

“Get out of my room.”

 

“Sorry, sorry,” Sehun says, his lisp showing again and he ended his line with an annoying chuckle. He told his Hyung to continue with his words as he focused back to his manga.

 

“Yeah, well,” Lu Han shrugs and plops himself down to the bed, laying his head on top of the fluffy pillows. “I feel like I’m drawn to her, you know?”

 

“You just feel challenged because she hasn’t slept with you yet.”

 

“Maybe, but it’s not just that, I think.” Lu Han’s doe eyes wandered through the cracks on the ceiling. “It’s… Do you remember the time when I told you about her, helping a crying kid on the—”

 

“Yes, Hyung, you told me that every day. I even dreamed about it once because you kept telling me about it.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Lu Han said, smiling softly as he reminisced that day. “Well, you know I’m not that close with my parents too, right? My mother isn’t really the type of person that shows affection easily. She never looks like she cares for me, even though I know she does. And I feel sorry for that, because a mother should spoil her children, right? And seeing her—” Lu Han’s thoughts moved back to his Algebra Girl “—helping that kid without even knowing his name like that, just smiling, and kissing his pain away, made me think like ‘Wow, this is the one I’ve been looking for’.”

 

“Oh my God, Hyung, eew.” Sehun stuck out his tongue in disgust.

 

“And do you know how she gets all cute and loving whenever she looks at Baozi?” Lu Han didn’t stop talking. “I mean, it hurts to see her looking at him that way, because I wished I was the one who was standing on the receiving end of her gaze, but just… wow.” Lu Han failed to find the most fitting word. “Her eyes were open and unguarded, and they freaking sparkled. And when she heard him talk, she smiled so very, very wide and genuine and beautiful and there was no trace of sadness at all. Only God knows how much I wanted to be Baozi at that moment.”

 

“Don’t, Hyung, you won’t look good with chubby cheeks.”

 

“After all of those things I said, that’s what you got?” Lu Han exhaled in irritation.

 

“There’s one more,” Sehun added, closing his manga and looked up to his Hyung. “Who are you and what happened to my cool Xiao Lu?”

 

“Don’t call me that~” Lu Han wrinkled his nose at him. “And hey! I’m still cool, all right?”

 

“No, you’re cheesy now.”

 

“I am not!” Lu Han shifted on his bed so he could reach a pillow and throw it to Sehun’s face. “Hey, wait until you fall in love then you talk to me.”

 

“I’m already in love,” Sehun muttered quietly, suddenly being serious. “She just hasn’t noticed me yet.”

 

“Really?” Lu Han gaped at the sudden change of his tone.

 

“Yeah, but whatever,” Sehun shrugged it off. “She’s taken anyway.”

 

“What? Who?” When Sehun just stayed quiet, Lu Han moved toward the boy and shook the younger one’s shoulders as he whined loudly, “Aaaaah Sehunnie, I want to know~ Tell me, tell me, tell me!”

 

“Fine, if you want to know that bad,” Sehun sighed. “I’m talking about Miranda Kerr. She’s already married to that dude named—”

 

“Get the out of my room.”

 

***

 

Lu Han comes by to the pastry shop almost on the exact time as yesterday, wearing less formal clothes because he just got back from his suite. He drapes his dark grey coat all around his body because the night still feels as chilly as ever. There are visible puffs of warm breath whenever he exhales and he curses to himself when he forgets to bring his scarf and gloves because it’s freezing out here. He sticks his hands to his coat pocket and hurriedly enters the one place he’s been wishing to go all day.

 

When he steps inside the pastry shop, he immediately feels grateful for the warmth of the small fireplace at the end corner of the room and he rubs his hands together to make them warmer. The tip of his nose is red from the cold and he can feel his teeth chattering behind his closed lips.

 

“Ah, so you came again,” Cara’s sister greets as Lu Han walks to the cashier desk. He’s still amazed at the way she speaks and her sudden change of tone. She has quite of a temper and even when she speaks so sweetly like this, Lu Han still detects a massive amount of hatred towards him. “I’ve been waiting for you, Lu Han-sshi.”

 

“Why?” Lu Han asks, breathing softly while he unconsciously narrows his eyes at her. “Don’t you despise me?”

 

“Oh, I do hate you for ruining her,” she casually answers, as if she’s not hurting Lu Han with her words. “But if you have the chance to change her back, then I’ll take what I can get, even if it means having you by my shop every day.”

 

After that, she takes Lu Han back to the kitchen. Cara is still there, wearing the same apron she wore yesterday. Her eyebrows are furrowed in concentration as she tries to decorate the top of one of her newly made cupcakes.

 

“Cara,” Lu Han calls softly and she takes a step backward in surprise. He starts to wonder whether that’s one of her new habits or not.

 

“O-oh,” she tries to calm her breathing. “Y-you’re back.”

 

Well, that’s a progress, isn’t it? At least, she’s not screaming for him to leave.

 

“I have customers outside, so I’ll leave you two alone for now,” Cara’s sister says, already leaving Lu Han standing awkwardly on his own feet in a kitchen filled only with two people.

 

“No, wait—” Cara tries to stop her but she slams the door right on her face.

 

Lu Han takes a few steps away from her, giving her more space so she won’t freak-out. “Do you… want me to leave?” he slowly asks.

 

Cara presses her lips together until her lower one turns a bit white. Lu Han waits and waits until finally he sees the littlest kind of movement of her head, indicating that no, she doesn’t mind him staying.

 

And Lu Han has to cover his mouth with a hand, trying to hide his gleeful grin because he’s afraid that it will scare her away. He feels so happy he can just die right there right then.

 

“What were you doing?” Lu Han asks, doesn’t even dare to get closer to her spot. He just stands there with his fingers intertwined behind his back and keeps his eyes glued to her every movement. His eyes are open wide and adoring, taking every little details to his memories. The contour of her face, the messy buns of her hair that he still finds very endearing, and the way her shoulders raise up and down to match her breathing. Her hazel colored irises seem anxious and afraid, and her chapped lips are turning a bit bluish from how hard she tries to keep them shut—perhaps to keep herself from screaming.

 

Cara is exceedingly beautiful in a way that is broken and it makes him want to smile and cry at the same time.

 

She doesn’t answer his previous question, but she shows it directly through action. With quivering hands, she held her piping bag carefully with her fingers, and adds a nice swirl of frosting on one of her red velvet cupcakes.

 

“Do you make all the cakes here?” Lu Han asks again and she stops moving, perhaps trying to calm her heartbeat and tell herself to be strong and less scared. Lu Han just keeps counting to himself until she weakly nods her head. “Wow,” he says, heart fluttering in delight. “You’re an incredible patisserie.”

 

She doesn’t smile or anything but she looks a bit relaxed and Lu Han can’t ask for anything more.

 

“That looks yummy, by the way,” Lu Han comments again after a while and he can still see the way she flinches every time she hears his voice, but this time she manages to keep herself still. “I’ve never tasted anything you guys sell over here. Maybe I should buy one of those cupcakes on my way out.”

 

No answer comes through but it doesn’t make him angry, not even the slightest. And Lu Han thinks, wow I must be so in love with her, because there’s nothing in this world that can piss him more than people ignoring him when he talks.

 

“Is it okay if I keep talking?” Lu Han says when the only sound both of them can hear is just the ticking sound of the clock. “I mean, I’m not bothering you, right?”

 

She makes a quicker response this time, shaking her head side-to-side and Lu Han tries so damn hard not to run to her and squish her cheeks with his palms.

 

Lu Han places a hand on his chest and he exhales, screaming damn it, why is she so adorable inside his head.

 

“Do you mind if I take a sit?”

 

She shakes her head again.

 

“Thank you.” Lu Han reaches a hand to his side, and drags the nearest stool he can find. He doesn’t move from his spot and he feels nervous when he notices that she’s observing him with her eyes. He sits down properly and faces her again.

 

Is it just him or does she really blush when their eyes make contact with each other’s?

 

“Do you want to hear a story?” Lu Han starts after a while, smiling softly at her even when she doesn’t look at him. The smile stays on and on until he forgets how to not smile. And for the first time, he realizes, that it feels good to smile from the bottom of your heart. He doesn’t have to do it so people won’t ask him if he’s okay or not. Today, he just smiles because he wants to and he’s glad that Cara is the in the receiving end of his smile. “Do you know the history of cupcakes, Cara?”

 

Even when Cara doesn’t give him any acknowledgement, Lu Han still continues with his story. “Here, let me tell you. Once upon a time, there was this magical fairy and she was so, so tiny but she had huge blinding smiles—not literally, because then that would be scary.” Lu Han adds a chuckle before he continues. “She was very cute and whenever she smiled, she would make other people smile too.” And Lu Han smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of his hair when he said, “To put it in another words, she was a lot like you.”

 

Cara drags her eyes away from the frosting to the man in front of her. Lu Han’s smile turned even wider, showcasing his teeth and she notices that his lower ones are uneven. Cara gives him a look that somehow says ‘You’re lying’ and Lu Han simply responds, “But that’s what you are to me.”

 

She doesn’t have anything to say back so she brings her eyes back down to her half-decorated cupcakes.

 

“So about this fairy,” Lu Han continues, “She liked sweets a lot, but she liked cakes even more. But because of her tiny frame, she could only eat so little. So then, people started to bake smaller cakes just for her and called them cupcakes because the size of the fairy wasn’t bigger than the size of a teacup. The fairy was very happy with it and she ate those cupcakes every day until she grew fat and met her fairy-even-fatter prince and they got married and they lived happily ever after!” The man claps his hands at the end of his story, mouthing the words ‘yaaay!’ as he does it. “How do you like my story? Do I ? Because I know nothing about cupcakes, I just kind of made it all up.”

 

Lu Han doesn’t miss the little curve forming on the corner of her lips even if they aren’t that visible. Maybe it’s not a clear smile—it’s not even half a smile. It’s too hidden to be one and most people wouldn’t notice the differences between that and her previous expression. But to him, it means a lot. Maybe it’s just a very tiny hint of amusement that’s displayed on her lips but that’s just what he needs. That’s enough for now.

 

His voice goes soft and fully content when he says, “That. That’s the smile I’ve been waiting for.”

 

And Cara finally takes the next ten seconds of her life staring back at Lu Han’s longing eyes. Lu Han’s heart hammers against his ribcage, and his lungs are screaming at him to ‘breathe! Don’t forget to breathe!’ but how can he when he’s finally gazing back at the figure he’s been seeing only in his dream?

 

“I missed you so much, Cara.” Lu Han tries to stop himself, but no, he can’t. He already has enough trying to bottle up his feelings inside his chest. He needs to let it all out. “You don’t know how happy I am to be able to see you again. I feel like I’m the luckiest man in the world.”

 

Cara opens to speak but she can’t find her voice.

 

“Cara, it’s okay if you don’t want to tell me what happened to you.” Lu Han stands up from his seat and he mentally slaps himself from taking a step forward because Cara’s body goes rigid all over again. The man immediately steps back again. “I just want you to know that I’m going to be here, okay? As long as you let me. I’ll be here to tell you lame stories. I’ll be here to humor you with my lousy jokes. I’ll be here to try and try and try to make you smile again. I won’t ask for anything more. I just want you to be happy, that’s it. Would you let me do all of those things?”

 

Her forehead creases upon hearing his words and there’s that broken look again.

 

Her voice isn’t more than an agonizing whisper when she asks, “Why?”

 

“Because I love you.”

 

And all of a sudden, Lu Han feels like someone just lifted tons of weight from his shoulders and he realizes that this is what he needs. He doesn’t have to avoid his feelings again. He doesn’t have to tell himself to keep moving on because he’s already found his place where he belongs.

 

So what he needs to do now is stay.

 

***

Hello, beautiful readers! Sorry it took me a while to post another chapter. I'll try to update faster next time, okay? Thanks for reading and please leave me some comments when you have time :)