BARRIERS

 

 

“Yixing-sshi sent me a box of chocolate today,” Cara says, initiating small conversation that makes her feel comfortable and ease beside the man she grows to adore more and more everyday. “It’s really…”

 

Her words perish on her tongue when Lu Han lifts up his hand and runs his fingers through his chestnut brown hair. He just cut his hair a bit shorter than before, and it shows the shapes of his jawlines more than before. But his bangs are still somehow covering his eyes and that’s why he keeps pushing them back, which is dangerous because that will allow her to stare at his long eyelashes and how surprisingly masculine his hands are. Lu Han doesn’t intend to look y or downright attractive. He just is.

 

And Cara doesn’t remember the exact time she starts looking at him in that way.

 

“It’s really what?” Lu Han asks, ruffling his hair one more time and Cara has to swallow her desire to stare at the veins that pop out on the skin around his wrist. Lu Han may look like a five year-old on the face, but his hands… his hands are…  

 

“Lovely.”

 

“What?” Lu Han says and she abruptly turns her face to the opposite direction.

 

“L-lovely,” she swears to herself when she hears how awful her stutter is. “The candies are lovely.”

 

“I thought you said chocolate.”

 

“Chocolate candies!” she blushes even harder. She needs to pull herself together, this is not like her at all! “I meant, chocolate candies.” And when Lu Han raises an eyebrow suspiciously, she immediately stands up from the couch, practically shouting, “I’m—I’m gonna make us some tea!”

 

Lu Han glances at the two cups on the coffee table in front of him. They’re still half-filled with the earl grey tea she made a half an hour ago. Lu Han stops himself from laughing.

 

Just how much are you going to make me fall in love with you, Cara?

 

“Calm down,” Cara whispers to herself as she grabs two teabags from the kitchen counter above her. “Calm down, he’s Lu Han. He’s Lu Han. You don’t get nervous around him.”

 

But when Lu Han suddenly stands behind her with his arms smoothly circling themselves around her tiny waist, she yelps and throws her words to the ground.

 

“W-what are you doing?” she asks, hands freezing in the air. Her breathing stills when she feels Lu Han’s breath caressing her nape. Lu Han embraces her tighter, burying his nose in the spot that connects her neck to her shoulder and inhales.

 

Cara stiffens and shuts her eyes tightly. She bites her lip so she won’t make a sound and the world suddenly feels like it’s spinning too fast and too slow at the same time.

 

“You,” Lu Han whispers, his voice almost sounds too seductive for his own good. “You’re wearing my shampoo, aren’t you?”

 

Her head nearly explodes. She doesn’t say anything and instead, quickly breaking free from his hold and turning around to face him. Her back is pressed to the counter and she puts both of her hands between them. She feels like she just ran a mile.

 

“Too…” She breathes, placing her hands on Lu Han’s chest and pushing him away. “Too close…”

 

Lu Han would’ve been worried over the situation if he thought Cara was panicking from how close they were from one another. After all, skinship is not something she can afford to have everyday. But Lu Han sees how her ears are red to the tips and that’s why he just smiles and sneakily presses a quick kiss to her forehead.

 

“Stop being so adorable,” Lu Han says, ruffling her hair until it becomes so messy, she’s probably going to need a comb to fix it. When she pouts and nearly slaps his hands away, Lu Han leans close and gazes deeply into her eyes. “Or I might kiss you again and this time, I won’t be satisfied just by a single peck on the forehead.”

 

She stops breathing.

 

Lu Han loves to know how much he affects her these days. “Just kidding,” he says, chuckling like a child again as he steps away. He would have more, but being constantly close to her like that in a long amount of time wouldn’t be good for his heart as well. “Though probably not really.” Turning around on his heels, Lu Han walks back to the couch. “I’m gonna need more sugar in my tea, if you don’t mind,” he says, sitting down on the floor behind the coffee table and picks up his paperwork, wanting to continue where he left of. When he glances at her again, he catches Cara smiling with her cheeks painted red, only for a split second before she turns her body around and begins preparing their tea again.

 

Lu Han can feel his heart jolting. What are you getting embarrassed about? He shouts to himself, adding more effort to focus on his paper. You were supposed to , not blushing with her because of it, you idiot!

 

But Lu Han can’t deny how much he admires her smile. He admires it so, so much that he thinks he should’ve grown tired of it by now but he’s not. He only loves it even more. They’ve been together for a long time—at least, much much longer than Lu Han had ever been with anyone. For a guy who chooses not to deal with relationships, his commitment with Cara is truly something.

 

Wait, Lu Han realizes, we’re not actually in a relationship, are we? Am I dating her? I mean, I want to of course, but does she think about it as well? Does she think we’re dating?

 

When Cara approaches him again with two cups of tea in her hands, Lu Han moves up from the floor to the couch. She sits next to him and offers him his drink, which he takes gratefully. It’s still a bit hot when he takes a sip, scalding his tongue but he doesn’t mind. At least that can take his mind away from creepily staring at the shape of her lips.

 

“So Yixing gave you chocolate?” he asks, just for the sake of conversation. He wants to ask about their status but it probably isn’t the right time just yet.

 

Cara actually grins and nods like a happy five-year old. “Yes, they were delicious!”

 

“Can you stop looking that happy?” Lu Han replies, clicking his tongue in annoyance just to tantalize her a bit. “That bastard Yixing, how dare he beats me to it. I was about to give you some too but now I couldn’t. Damn it.”

 

She immediately drops her smile. The expression she has on her face looks like she just hurt somebody without meaning to do it.

 

“It’s not…” She shakes her head a few times, frowning. “T-that doesn’t mean you can’t give me—Not like I’m forcing you to give me or anything—I mean, umm—” She stops with an awkward gape of when she notices Lu Han’s mischievous little smirk. “You…” Her shoulders start to relax when a small pout appears on her lips. “You were just joking.”

 

Her pout becomes more apparent and he thinks it’s the most adorable sight in the world. He can’t help but to again. “I’m not joking,” he says, shouting a loud, annoyed huff as he throws his face away and places his glass to the coffee table. “I’m really, really upset, okay?” He begins to form a pout. “I’ve been dying to get your attention since day one… And now… Just with a box of chocolate, he…”

 

Lu Han tries his best to look like a kicked puppy. He even hugs his legs to his chest and props his chin with his arms lying on his knees to prove his point. It’s not that hard to do. He used to see Baekhyun doing it all the time every time his partner got angry with him. It always works.

 

“You…” Cara starts, looking worried but still somewhat suspicious. “Are you really upset?”

 

“Yes,” he immediately says, knitting his eyebrows angrily in a more natural way this time. “I’m really upset.”

 

They exchange stares and after finally approving that yes, Lu Han might be angry, Cara brings her head down, her fingers curling on the hem of her sweater. She looks like she’s drowning deep in her thoughts, trying to fix the situation. Lu Han forces himself not to smile and break out of characters. She’s so gullible, it’s cute!

 

“Comfort me,” he says and she jolts a little in surprise.

 

She swallows her breath. “W-what…?”

 

“Comfort me,” Lu Han repeats, placing her feet back to the floor and still successfully faking his annoyance. “I’m upset, you need to cheer me up. So comfort me.”

 

She blushes, heart racing behind her ribcages. Lu Han almost blushes himself seeing how embarrassed she is.

 

Not now, you need to more, Lu Han says to himself, don’t give up now, you moron.

 

Lu Han honestly expects her to apologize or reach out to squeeze his hand with hers. He does not expect her to lean closer and throw her arms around his neck.

 

“Cara, wha—” The rest of his words drowns in unexpected silence because Cara pulls him into her embrace and sinks her face in the crook of his neck. Her breathing tatters a little and it feels hot and ticklish on Lu Han’s skin. His heart is hammering like crazy, matching hers and he can’t help it when the blood rushes to his head, making his face redder than hers.

 

“D-don’t—” Lu Han gulps in the middle of his sentence. “Don’t think I’ll forgive you so easily, o-okay? Just hugging me isn’t enough, you know.”

 

She begins nibbling on her lower lip, slowly pulling away from their embrace. She looks up at him, hazel eyes looking so round and beautiful as they reflect the light of the room. Lu Han thinks he’s probably going to die.

 

“What…” She says. “…do you want me to do then…?”

 

Lu Han certainly just died. Maybe not entirely, but some part of his soul just certainly died and went to heaven. Cara—the love of his life since college, that Cara—is willingly asking about the things he wanted her to do for him. Lu Han couldn’t even dream about this and now she’s really asking him that.

 

There are so many things running inside his head at once and he’s not going to lie to himself when he says that he really wants to ask for ual favors because this is Cara he’s currently facing. The girl who is the very reason of why he started having wet dreams in college again.

 

“Pat…” Lu Han swallows nervously. The tips of his ears going red. “Pat my head.”

 

Cara blinks, the redness on her cheeks slowly fading away. “What?”

 

“Pat my head,” Lu Han says again and he inwardly cries because that’s the bottom of the list he wants her to do at the moment. But he knows his boundaries, and Lu Han isn’t that shallow or erted to actually ask a lady for a ual endeavor. “Comfort me like how I usually calm you down.”

 

Cara blinks again, still somewhat confused before she finally smiles so widely and beautiful and reaches up to tangle her fingers in the curly strands of his brown hair.

 

“I’m sorry for making you upset,” she says, patting and gently his hair. “Thank you for always taking care of me when I can’t take care of myself. You’re worth more than anything in my life, Lu Han.”

 

Whatever’s left of his soul back then just died and went to heaven as well.

 

In a split second, Lu Han has his fingers cupping her cheek and he meets her lips before she can breathe. Cara lets out a gasp and Lu Han quickly muffles it with his kiss—scorching and eager. She freezes a little at first, but when Lu Han softens his touch, she begins to loosen up as well. Her shoulders are still stiff and her fingers seem to clutch at him too tightly on his shirt. Lu Han entangles them from his chest and laces their fingers together.

 

“Lu—” With closed eyes, he drags his lips to the corner of her lips, her chin, her jawlines, before taking her fully on the mouth once again. “Lu Han—mmph!”

 

He doesn’t let her breathe. He wants to consume her—her scent, her feelings for him, the flavor of her lips, everything.

 

“L-Lu Han—” She stutters, breath hatching. “Lu Han, wait!”

 

Lu Han snaps out of his system, and with a final kiss, he drifts away from her. She exhales heavily and he kisses her nose before he presses their foreheads together to calm her down.

 

“Did I scare you…?” he whispers and she shakes her head no, but she doesn’t dare to look into his eyes just yet. “Am I going too fast?” She hesitates but eventually she nods. “Okay, I’m sorry…”

 

“Umm…” Cara clears when she sees how sad and regretful he looks for his action. “You were just going… a bit too fast. Just a-a bit…”

 

Lu Han pauses for a second before he bursts out chuckling. “Got it,” he says, man, can I just keep her in my pocket? Freaking cute!

 

“You know,” he breathes, content and satisfied. “I guess I’ve never been attracted to you the way I’m attracted to other girls.” His lips are half-smiling and when Cara dares herself to gaze into his eyes in such close distance, Lu Han swoops in to steal another kiss from the corner of . “I mean, I said to my friends that I wanted to get into your pants and I thought so too at first.” When she throws her red face away, he chuckles. “Well, you’re really pretty, okay? Any guy would be crazy not to want you in that way. I’m just being honest here.”

 

Cara tentatively lets go of him and Lu Han allows her to let her have her space. She grows more and more embarrassed over his words but she lets him continue. Lu Han can be too honest sometimes but honesty is rare and she is grateful for it.

 

“Have I told you that I used to not believe in love?” Lu Han asks, smiling a bit boyishly this time but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He’s drowning too deep in his memories to pay attention to his surroundings. “I used to think that love wasn’t real. That it was too innocent to exist in a dirty world like this. I once thought that people tend to misidentify love as lust. But then I met you and...”

 

Turns out love really does exist after all.

 

When Lu Han glances at her, she looks away, quickly locking her gaze to her lap instead. The tips of her ears are blossoming in a beautiful shade of red and Lu Han wants to nip at them.

 

“I realized I was already falling too deep for you, Cara. I still am, and always will,” Lu Han admits, almost in a whisper as he hugs his knees to his chest and lays his cheek on them. His eyes never depart away from hers. “Because whenever I think about you, the first thing that comes to my mind is that smile you had on your lips when you helped that little boy across the street. I can still remember how you said your kiss could close the wound. It was ridiculous, and if it were anyone else who said it, I would’ve laughed and called it bull but I didn’t because it was you. The way you said it...” Lu Han chuckles softly, his heart warming at the fond memory of her playful conversation with the crying five-year-old boy. “Your words had something behind them. Something weird that I can’t explain until this day. Everything you say stirs something inside me that I didn’t know I had.”

 

“What is it?” Cara asks, startling Lu Han who’s been speaking more like to himself rather toward anyone in general. He notices the hope that lies behind her sentence.

 

Lu Han throws a sheepish smile toward her and she takes it into her memory and lock it in her precious treasure chest. “Affection, perhaps?” he tries, smoothly slipping his fingers between hers and it just feels so right. She’s no longer afraid of him. She can easily breathe in the same air as his and even respond to his timid touch in the same way, albeit still a bit awkward on her side.

 

“Affection…” She repeats in a whisper. Her eyes are entranced at the sight of their hands together when he brings them over to his lap. His thumb rubbing soft relaxing circles on the back of her hand.

 

“Or compassion? Faith and sympathy—Or maybe just love in general,” Lu Han answers, staring fondly at the small mole she has on the bottom of her thumb. “See, I’m a very cynical person, Cara. Or at least I think I was. You’re making me feel less cynical now. I’ve never felt that I needed to care about any person other than myself but then I saw you and I suddenly felt like I wanted to take care of you. Just like the way you took care of that kid. Maybe you’re right, I was kind of obsessed with you because you’re the only girl I can’t ever get, but hear me out when I say this.”

 

He sits a bit closer, tilting his body so he can face her directly. He never breaks his eyes away from hers. “I knew I was already a goner the second I met you,” Lu Han softly says, “Believe me when I say there’s no other person who could drive me so madly—hopelessly—in love like you do.”

 

Her breath is stuck in . Sweet words like those things he just said shouldn’t have stirred something inside of her. The first and the last man who told her he loved her like that, ended up tying her to the bed and let many men have their ways with her just for his own entertainment. She had been betrayed and the pain is still there.

 

But somehow, hearing Lu Han’s words doesn’t remind her of the pain. It reminds her to the time when she had hopes about love. About fairy tales. About happy endings. About faith and never ending affection.

 

“I kind of stalked you for months back in college, you know,” Lu Han says, trailing his fingers to slowly brush the bangs out of her eyes. “It was a bit lame, I guess…”

 

“I know,” Cara whispers back, unconsciously leaning into his touch and it makes his heart start to beat more rapidly. “And you knew about my feelings for Minseok but you didn’t give up on me. Why?”

 

“Because it’s another reason why I fell in love with you in the first place,” Lu Han answers, tilting her chin so she’ll meet his eyes again. He sighs with a smile on his lips when he sees the way Cara looks at him. “This,” Lu Han says, “This look you have in your eyes right now is the main reason why I fall in love with you. You used to look at Minseok in the same way and it was the first time I felt very envious of him. I was dying to have someone to look at me in that way. Particularly, someone like you.” When he speaks his next line, his cheeks redden a little and it surprises her because Lu Han rarely blushes when he confesses his feeling like this. “Now you’re looking at me like that and I feel like I’m dying but in a good way. I’m not making any sense now, am I?”

 

Cara’s face is burning, quickly glancing away with similar shade of pink radiating from her cheeks. You’re looking at me like that—like what? Like she’s in love with him? Does she love him? She knows she feels something for him—something that’s strong enough to keep her awake at night, but she always thinks about it more as a pure admiration over his kindness and everything he’s done for her—but loving him? Desiring him?

 

Her mind tells her that she can’t afford to fall in love again but her heart screams that she’s lying. She’s already falling too deep. She can probably climb back up, detaching herself away from him and she probably should do that now, saving herself from getting hurt again. But she doesn’t, simply because loving Lu Han is the easiest thing to do.

 

Loving Lu Han is a gift—one that she’s eternally grateful of.

 

Lu Han sees her expression and he mirrors it with a wider grin before he leans in to press a faint kiss on her cheek. It’s just the slightest kind of touch but it affects both of them in the way no one could ever provide. This kind of kiss never meant anything to him before. He even used to hate it, thinking of it like it was a waste of time when he could’ve done something way better. But he can’t think of anything better right now other than her.

 

It’s still right that kisses don’t really matter. It’s the person you kiss that matters the most.

 

“You weren’t like any other girls,” Lu Han says, caressing her cheek with his soft breath before he pulls back to gaze at her again. Lu Han’s scent is masculine and sweet at the same time; it’s intoxicating. His eyes are a bit dazed and she notices how they sparkle in the evening light. “I used to see you sitting next to Minseok at lunch, Cara. You always stared at him with these beautiful, love-filled eyes but you never showed him directly. You never tried to even land a playful pat on his shoulders. You never threw a flirty smile at him. Every time he looked at you in the eyes, you would always try to break your eye contact. You never tried to show how badly you loved him.”

 

“I was a coward,” she says but Lu Han shakes his head.

 

“No, that’s not true,” he says, somewhat confidently and Cara frowns. “I don’t think you’re a coward. You behaved like that because you knew your friend loved him as well and you wanted to be the good person like you always were. You didn’t want to make a move so you could give her the chance to be with him. You were just simply holding yourself back.”

 

Cara gapes a little, staring at him with disbelieving eyes. Lu Han could tell that his deduction was true but she tried to mask it off again, saying that, “You always think too highly of me. I’m just a coward, Lu Han. I was too afraid to show him my feelings.”

 

“Oh?” he asks. “Was that why you tried to distance yourself away from him after your friend told you she loved him too? Was it why you never sat next to him anymore so he couldn’t bump his shoulder against yours after he told you a joke? Was that the reason why you told Minseok you had a crush on some senior from the Anthropology class when the whole world knows you were in love with him?”

 

Cara blinks twice, still amazed at how Lu Han knows so much about her. Lu Han gives out an awkward chuckle, reminding her with, “I apologize for being creepy, but as you know, I was your stalker.”

 

“Y-yes,” Cara says, “It… It was just my way to run away from the feelings I have for him.”

 

And Lu Han let her speak that way because it doesn’t matter anymore. He already knows the truth—Cara’s confirmed it with her eyes even for only a few seconds—and he loves the way she is so humble over everything.

 

“You’re the nicest person I’ve ever met,” Lu Han murmurs, pulling her tenderly in a warm embrace. She shakes her head, trying to deny it over and over again but Lu Han knows better. “I’m glad that I’m in love with you, Cara. I learn how to be patient. I learn how important it is to understand how people feel. I learn how to appreciate every little thing. A smile. A laugh. A touch. A kiss. I learn to look at someone not by their appearance but the feelings they hide behind their eyes. If it weren’t for you, I would still be that person who thinks he can have anything and whines when he can’t get it. You turn me into a better person and you make it seem effortless for me to do so. Loving you has been the greatest thing that ever happened to my life. I can’t thank you more for that.”

 

She trembles a little upon his words, as if she’s on the verge of crying. But when Lu Han pulls back and looks at her, she doesn’t give him the chance to see her watery eyes.

 

Instead, she curls her fingers around the collar of his shirt and pulls him in. There’s a gentle press of her lips against his and the air stops moving.

 

Lu Han doesn’t even have the chance to close his eyes because she already pulls away. Her cheeks are tinted with pink, making her skin glow under the faint ray of the sunset. And she has never looked this beautiful before.

 

“I...” Lu Han is definitely speechless. “You... Y-you just kissed me.”

 

“Umm…” She panics, biting her lip and wanting nothing more than just burying her entire body to the hole of shame. “Y-yeah…”

 

“But…” Lu Han is still appalled. He even decided to hold himself back from kissing her lips again, since he’s kissed her too many times by now and yet he still can’t get enough of it. Of her. He thought she was getting uncomfortable by it.

 

Lu Han gulps. “But you’d never been the one to kiss me first before,” he says, eyes dazed.

 

Cara blushes even harder, biting her lip worriedly as she stands up from the couch and leaves him with no words.

 

When she locks herself in her room, Lu Han sends grateful prayer to God because there’s no way he would be able to live if she’d spent another second in the same room with him.

 

Lu Han feels like his heart is about to burst.

 

And the worst thing is, he’s definitely okay with that.

 

***

 

“Let me get this straight, Mrs. Byun,” Lu Han says, in all seriousness as he stops his tracks, right in front of Chanyeol’s private bar’s door. The man stands with his hands folded on his chest, blocking anyone from going inside the bar. “Is it just me or are you actually getting fatter and fatter every time I see you?”

 

“I’m going to kick you, Lulu.”

 

“No, seriously. What did you eat, your husband?”

 

“No, seriously, I’m going to kick you on the crotch so hard, your will fly out of your mouth—”

 

“Because that would explain the whole thing of why my BaekBunny doesn’t love me like how he used to anymore. He’s now being replaced by a foul-mouthed robot with an unbelievable small —”

 

Lu Han gets two hard punches on his shoulders for that remark and accurately, one extreme kick to the crotch. Being kicked by a girl in public must have been embarrassing but Lu Han can’t care any less—not when his manhood burns like the hottest pit of hell. The Chinese man falls down to his knees without so much of a groan, facing near-death situation just outside Chanyeol’s front door.

 

“I’m pregnant, you ,” his one and only female friend says, fixing her scarf and walking away from his childhood friend to enter Chanyeol’s bar. Her husband, Byun Baekhyun, looks thoroughly happy when he sees Lu Han’s face growing blue, dealing with the eternal pain of having his balls crushed.

 

“Oh my God, I have to capture the moment,” Baekhyun giggles, taking out his phone. “Sony Xperia Z2, baby, with 20.7 megapixels camera,” he says, ignoring other people that are currently looking at the two men with curious and irritated eyes. “Let’s take a detailed look of your pathetic little face, Luhannie~”

 

“It’s…” Lu Han groans; he feels like he’s about to vomit from the pain. “Lu Han-Hyung to you, Baek—“

 

A flash and a clicking sound. “Yep!” Baekhyun sounds amused and proud. “That’s a pretty good picture, all right. God, I’m so glad I made myself an Instagram account yesterday!” He starts pressing the buttons on the screen ferociously until his grin grows wider and he shouts. “UPLOADED! For the whole world to see~”

 

“Oh Jesus, I’m going to die,” Lu Han moans, turning around until he has his back on the ground. It’s six in the evening and people are everywhere, going around the town to look at someplace nice to eat. And Lu Han is just there, lying on the street, with his hands covering and gently massaging his manhood in public. “I think they’re bleeding. Baekhyun, are my balls bleeding? Can people’s balls bleed?”

 

“Sadly no,” Baekhyun says, squatting next to him with a never ending grin showing on his face. “But that’s an interesting question. Shall I assist you in finding out the answer?”

 

Lu Han glares. “You can try that with someone else’s .”

 

“That’s what your mom says~”

 

“What?”

 

“What?”

 

“What does that even mean?”

 

“I don’t know, man, I’m just saying.”

 

“Does your wife know you’re an idiot, Baek?”

 

“She surely knows how better I am in bed compared to you.”

 

“Really?” Lu Han scoffs. “That’s your comeback?”

 

That irks Baekhyun so much, he nearly -slaps the guy. “Whatever, man. I have a wife, okay?” the slanty-eyed man says. “I can get laid whenever I want. You, on the other hand, are going to be alone for the rest of your life and the only girl who’ll be willing to sleep with you is—”

 

“NO DON’T SAY IT—”

 

“—your grandma.”

 

“, Baek, you said it!” Lu Han groans, almost knocking his own head to the ground. “You ing said it. UGH, that’s so gross, it hurts more than my balls right now!”

 

Baekhyun only sticks out his tongue in return. Eventually, with a promise of buying him three shots of vodka, Lu Han finally has Baekhyun wrapped around his fingers. The man with the puppy-like lips picks him off the ground and carries him to the bar. “You need to start dieting again, you fat ,” Baekhyun mutters, huffing as he tries to move Lu Han’s ‘fat ’ (his words) inside.

 

Lu Han gasps, placing a hand over his heart. “You did not just call me a fat .”

 

“, I might.”

 

“How dare you?! My is round and fine with the perfect amount of fat, you—”

 

“ByunBaek! Luhannie-Hyung!” Chanyeol waves one hand in the air from behind the counter. He’s doing that bartender thing once again, juggling three bottles in hands and pouring the liquid down to five crystal glasses before sending them to his clients on the side. Baekhyun’s wife is already sitting on the stool in front of him, pouting and rubbing her pregnant belly with one hand.

 

“Good evening, Yoda,” Baekhyun chimes, throwing a shameless grin as he sits right next to his wife. “I’m here for my free beer.”

 

Chanyeol sighs, laying one hand on his hip. “Dude, I said no more free beers.”

 

“Dude, you’ve been telling me since like two years ago, I hear you,” Baekhyun pats his friend’s shoulder understandingly. “Now where’s my free beer?”

 

“Can I…” Lu Han joins with a voice so raspy, people would think he was dying. He sits on the other side of Baekhyun’s wife—but with a safe distance between her knuckles and his manhood. “Can I, at least, get some free ice for my balls?”

 

“Err…” Chanyeol’s eyes slowly trail down to where Lu Han’s hands are cupping his crotch. “Why?”

 

“To stop the bleeding.”

 

“Do I even want to know what happened?”

 

“Oh, I’ll tell you in very excruciating details about how a woman can hurt a man physically and mentally and -wisely, after you give me an icepack.”

 

Chanyeol never gives him one. He’s too afraid.

 

“Anyway, Yeol, the twins are fine,” Baekhyun says, wrapping an arm around his wife’s shoulders and pats her belly with his free hand. “She freaked out over nothing, that’s all.”

 

His wife pouts even more, “Well sorry, for being a highly responsible mother who worries a lot over their kids.”

 

“Sweetheart,” Baekhyun pecks her on the cheek, looking somewhat amused. “Just because you kept on farting for every ten minutes, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with our babies.”

 

“BAEK!” She gasps, face ripens in red. “You said you wouldn’t tell!”

 

Her husband laughs and wraps his arms tighter around his wife, planting playful small kisses to the top of her hair and the side of her cheek. Chanyeol watches silently in adoration, but beneath that, there’s a small gaze of jealousy and desire to live in that situation as well.

 

Lu Han, on the other hand, snorts and lays his head on the table. “You guys are so disgusting,” he comments. “Well, at least I should be happy to know that you guys are still as gross as ever even when you got fat and Baekhyun became a much worse than he was.”

 

“Thank you, I’ll take that as a compliment,” Baekhyun says, ruffling his wife’s hair.  “Now hit him again, Sweetheart.”

 

“When he calls me fat one more time, I’m gonna.”

 

“Just punch him for being Chinese, it’s okay. You have the whole world on your side.”

 

That earns a small chuckle from the violent wife and Lu Han wants to bawl in disgust. “Okay, ha-ha, so funny,” Lu Han says, still wincing as he rubs his shoulder. “I think I just earned myself a dislocated shoulder because of that joke.” When he faces Chanyeol who’s dressed neatly in his white buttoned-up bartender suit, the taller man smiles sympathetically at him.

 

“She’s not joking, Hyung,” Chanyeol says, wiping another wine glass before he needs it to serve a glass of martini for a guest at the other end of the table.

 

“About what?”

 

“About her being pregnant.”

 

Lu Han freezes for a few seconds, eyes unblinking. It’s as if time just stopped itself for him.

 

But then he bursts out laughing.

 

“Yeah, right,” Lu Han says, scoffing. “As if Baekhyun’s actually had the power to put a baby in her. She’s just fat, okay?”

 

Mrs. Byun slaps her palm to her husband’s chest. “Baekgu, hold me back before I kill him.”

 

“Why would I?” The said man pushes her forward by her shoulders. “He just insulted my !”

 

Chanyeol sighs but he sounds somewhat entertained. “There are seriously too many being mentioned in this conversation.”

 

“No, no, you know what?” Baekhyun says. “Mutilate him for me, Sweetheart. ing slice his balls so I can throw them to Africa.”

 

“You just want a reason to touch my , BaekBunny. Stop acting like I don’t know.”

 

“You guys haven’t grown up a bit.” Chanyeol airily laughs. “And as much as it makes my day, I have to remind you that we don’t use foul language here.”

 

“What ‘foul language’?” Lu Han asks, dodging a punch from his female friend. “My is an eternal beauty, okay? There’s no foul language when we speak about it. Only beauty.”

 

Baekhyun gives Chanyeol a look. “Makes you want to punch him in the face, doesn’t he?”

 

Chanyeol sighs. “Does this Cara girl you’ve been talking about know this side of you, Hyung?”

 

“No, but I know she’ll love me even more when she does.” Lu Han smoothly winks at Chanyeol and that costs the Chinese man to lose his guard. A punch manages to find its home on Lu Han’s stomach and the pain surges to his whole entire being.

 

“Oooh, burn~” Baekhyun sing songs, high-fiving his wife with a huge grin. “I knew there’s something else beside our awesome life that made me want to marry you, Sweetheart. You go beat his !”

 

“This is the other reason?! You said it was because of my adorable personality,” She barks, raising a fist in the air and about to land an uppercut to her husband’s chin even when Baekhyun’s about to fall to his knees and beg for mercy.

 

“How old are we exactly?” Chanyeol asks, staring at them helplessly. “Are you guys doing a violent body gag again to cheer me up? Because, like I’ve told you before, I do not find joy in… whatever this is you’re doing. I don’t even understand what you’re trying to do! You’re only embarrassing the hell out of me in front of my customers.”

 

“Well, at least we play a part in your life,” Baekhyun sends him a kissy face and Chanyeol pretends to vomit. “Anyway, Yeol. Stop thinking like we’re trying to cheer you up whenever we’re here, okay? You’re so damn self-conscious, who do you think you are, G-Dragon?”

 

Chanyeol pulls a smile. “So you’re not here to cheer me up?”

 

“Hell no. I don’t know about that Chinese over there,” he points his finger harshly to Lu Han. “but I’m here because of the free beers. It’s solely because of that reason.”

 

Lu Han almost snickers on the side (though he ends up groaning because that punch was freaking hurt). Baekhyun is still not honest as always. Lu Han knows he’s here for his best friend, and by the look of Chanyeol’s open smile, the bartender probably knows it as well.

 

“And I’m here,” Baekhyun’s wife chimes in after she takes a sip of her milkshake (again, Chanyeol won’t allow her to drink alcohol as long as she has babies in her belly), “because I know if I stayed home with my husband, he would’ve tied my hands to the headboard again and done whatever Christian Grey did to his .”

 

“Hey, careful. It’s not ‘’, it’s ‘submissive’,” Baekhyun smugly comments with a smirk. “And you’re welcome, Miss Steele,”

 

“Shut up, and don’t freaking Miss Steele me.”

 

“Well, I’m here,” Lu Han says and nobody bothers to listen beside Chanyeol but that’s okay. He’s having a good day. “because I have an important thing to announce to the whole world.” Then he turns around, facing the rest of the bar and Chanyeol’s customers who are busy with their own world, and he screams, “I’M GOING TO CONFESS MY LOVE AND I’M GOING TO ING PUT A DEFINITE STATUS IN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH CARA.”

 

“Hyung, no foul language!” Chanyeol hisses, looking creepily worried when Lu Han starts gaining people’s attention.

 

“What a geek,” Baekhyun scoffs. His wife only rolls her eyes at him and says, “Yeah, like you didn’t confess to me in front of a thousand people back in college.”

 

Baekhyun’s ears go red. “It was only three hundreds people, and shut up okay, I know you liked it!”

 

“I didn’t like it.” She smiles, moving closer until their lips touch one another when she whispers, “I loved it.” Baekhyun actually has the decency to blush at that before he crushes his lips with her and moans roughly against .

 

“Guys, guys, focus on me!” Lu Han whines, breaking Baekhyun apart from his wife. “Ew, ew! Get your tongue away from her—what are you, a high schooler? God!”

 

Behind them, Chanyeol is busy bowing and apologizing to his customers. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please come again to my bar!”

 

“So I’ve told Cara I loved her, right?” Lu Han continues despite Baekhyun ignoring him. “But I’ve never asked her directly to be my girlfriend or anything, so I’m planning to ask her tonight when I pick her up from work.”

 

“Not to burst your happy bubble, Hyung,” Chanyeol says, “But are you sure it’s not going to freak her out? Maybe she loves you too, but in a different way, you know?”

 

“What do you mean, a different way?” Lu Han looks a bit offended. “I love her in every way. She must too.”

 

“Whoa, easy there, Mr. Confident,” his female friend says. “You know how fragile she is, don’t you? Saying she loves you back is one thing, but putting a status on it is a whole different matter. She’s going to expect you to want something more from her.”

 

“More like what?” Lu Han asks, his frown beginning to appear. Baekhyun’s sneakily stealing and slurping down his wife’s chocolate milkshake in the background can be heard.

 

“Like commitment and stuff,” she replies, looking quite sympathetic and Lu Han wonders does he really look that all the time to be pitied like that. “Lulu, you told me yourself about how her husband—”

 

“Ex-husband—”

 

“Ex-husband treated her in the past. If I were her, I would’ve put a gun in my mouth.”

 

“The correct sentence would be,” Baekhyun chimes in, swinging an arm to cover his wife’s shoulder, “she would’ve put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger without hesitating. And of course, after she shot him in the several times.”

 

His wife smiles, tilting her face to the side to look at him. “Aren’t you sweet?”

 

“What can I say? You’re my James Bond, Sweetheart.”

 

“Oh my God,” Lu Han says, his face going green. “I think I just swallowed a little bit of my vomit there.”

 

“Good for you,” Mrs. Byun says, “Anyway, think about what I said, okay? I really hope things will work out well for you, but don’t be too disappointed if she says no. Being someone’s is not easy, especially if you just got broken apart from your previous relationship. You’re not in her position so you wouldn’t know, but try to put away your selfish desires for once and try to think in her shoes. How can you commit yourself to someone, when the last time you did it, you were torn in half?”

 

Lu Han doesn’t agree, but that does make him think. He won’t be able to sleep tonight as well, it seems.

 

“Oh and there’s also one more thing,” Baekhyun says, now munching chocochip cookies from a jar he found somewhere behind Chanyeol’s bar counter. Chanyeol wants to stop him from eating and tells him that they’re already expired but he guesses Baekhyun won’t die just from that so he lets him be.

 

“What one more thing?” Lu Han asks, already tired of putting up with Baekhyun’s .

 

“,” Baekhyun replies, swallowing more cookies in such rapid motion, he’s practically inhaling them. “She’s gonna think that you want to have with her. I mean, I know you do, like I can practically see your popping out of your jeans everytime I mention her name—anyway, the point is, she’s not ready to have that kind of relationship with you. And I don’t think she ever will.” After his tenth cookie, Baekhyun scrunches his nose. “And what the heck are you giving me, Yeol? These cookies taste like !” And yet, he picks up another one.

 

Chanyeol can only sigh.

 

***

 

 

Lu Han didn't think his day would go wrong. After Cara had managed to convince him that things would be just fine for the two of them, he strongly believed her. It took a while for him to agree with her, but in the end he did. He truly, honestly did.

 

God, he wishes he didn’t.

 

“Hello, am I speaking to Lu Han? Yes, hi, we’re from Dong Kwang Orphanage. Your friend seems to be having a problem, I was wondering if you could come and—”

 

It didn’t take a second longer for Lu Han to reach his coat and run straight to where she was—to where his guardian angel, taking another fall from grace.

 

“Where is she?!” Lu Han asks, breathing hard with his chest heaving up and down. The sun is already out by the time he gets there and the night breeze places prickling fear to the back of his neck. Lu Han tries to will it away but it stays.

 

A young girl at the front desk widens her eyes a little before she nods and escorts Lu Han to the back room. The orphanage is still as lovely as Lu Han remembers—bright colors everywhere, crayons and little stuffed animals spreading all over the floor—but that evening, something seems off. There’s no sound of children laughing their hearts out. Everything seems quiet.

 

Too quiet.

 

“She’s been a little off since the afternoon,” the young front liner says, stepping forward and opening the door to the room where Cara used to read child stories to the kids. “She looks so pale too and we were worried about her but she wouldn’t say anything even if we asked. That’s why we called you to pick her up earlier.”

 

What Lu Han sees isn’t something he’s ever witnessed before. Usually, by the time he picked Cara up from this place, he’d see a group of kids, laughing and chanting “One more! One more!” as the lady closed her storybook and began to stand up to join Lu Han back to their apartment. Lu Han always had to struggle against the kids, dispatching their little fingers away from trying to grab on Cara’s dress to make her stay longer. In the end, Cara always won their hearts by bending down and placing one comforting kiss to every little kid’s head, telling them that “I’ll be back here tomorrow before you know it.” And that was the promise they held in their hearts as they slept and wished for tomorrow to come faster.

 

Today, though, the children are sitting around her with their eyes rarely blinking, and their storybooks pressed to their chest. Some are carrying their broken crayons in their hands, but there are no papers being painted. Cara’s storytelling is supposed to be over by now and the kids are supposed to be in their playground to play with each other before supper’s ready. Lu Han noticed that ever since Cara came here, the playground became less crowded. There were more children choosing to listen to her stories rather than playing with their stuffed toys. Cara probably wasn’t the best teacher in the world, but she had ways to touch the children’s hearts, to see the world from their eyes, to share love and kindness that won’t be washed away over time.

 

But today… Today everything feels cold.

 

Cara is sitting there among the children. She doesn’t smile and she has her face hanging too low for Lu Han to see her eyes. She has a book in her hands but she’s not reading it. She just stares at it with her fingers trembling on the edges.

 

“Come on, kids,” an older women who dressed similarly like a nun places her hands on one of the children’s shoulders. “Let’s go back to your toys, okay? Big Sister has to go home now.”

 

None of the children move. One of the little girls, the one who’s been holding Cara’s hand, speaks, “I won’t go until I’m sure she’s okay.”

 

That seems to wake Cara out of her reverie. Immediately, she moves her gaze to the little girl’s concerned one and forces a smile to her face. “I’m fine,” Cara says so quietly and even then, Lu Han can sense the fear in her voice. She places a shaking hand over the girl’s head and pushes herself to act normal. “I’m fine, Maya. Go play with your dolls again, okay?”

 

The little girl looks worried even more and she shakes her head thrice before she crawls to her lap and hugs Cara so tightly with her little arms. “I’m not going,” she says, “I want to stay with you.”

 

“Me too,” a boy with slightly tanned skin and curly hair joins in.

 

“Me too, me too,” two more children say in unison and they both shoot up to their feet and run into Cara’s arms. Cara freezes, her hands hanging in the air and not embracing any of them. Her eyes are wide open and she looks like she’s trapped, not knowing where to go and what to do. From where Lu Han is standing, he can tell something just entered her mind. Cara begins to panic. Her hand is a second away from pushing the little girl away from her before—

 

“Now, now,” Lu Han says, quickly taking a hold of Cara’s hand and circles his fingers around her thin wrist to stop her movement. “Don’t crowd over her too much, okay, Kiddo? She won’t be able to breathe.”

 

Cara’s breathing stifle when she sees Lu Han bending down until he has one knee on the floor. Her vision becomes clear once more. The fear and the anxiety that overwhelm her a second ago begin to waver away. “L-Lu Han…”

 

Lu Han smiles, but his eyes aren’t. They’re telling her to be quiet instead. Cara looks taken aback before she brings her hands and her eyes to the floor.

 

Lu Han stares straight into the little girl’s black, round eyes. “I’ll take care of her for you,” he says, “You should go back to your room. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.”

 

“But—”

 

“Maya,” Lu Han says and the little girl jolts slightly even though he isn’t screaming at her. “Leave her to me.”

 

She looks unsure, glancing back and forth at Lu Han’s brown eyes and Cara’s shaken ones. Two seconds later, she crawls off Cara’s lap while biting her lip. Her eyes are teary but she’s not crying. She takes the little boy’s hand in hers and tells him to stand up as well.

 

“Y-you promise?” Maya asks, her fingers curling into a ball. “Promise you’ll take care of her?”

 

Lu Han smiles but he can’t bring himself to vow. He promised that once—he promised Cara that he’d take care of her. But now look how she is: sitting in the corner of the room with her knees pressed to her chest and her face buried in them. Her palms are covering her ears and she grits her teeth, as if trying to stop herself from screaming.

 

The assigned nurse in the room exhales a heavy breath and scoots the children away from Lu Han and Cara, giving them privacy. “Come on, children,” the older woman says again, hurrying the kids away from the room. Before she leaves and shuts the door behind her, she throws Lu Han a worried look. “I’m sorry…”

 

Lu Han doesn’t do anything except throwing her a grateful smile. As they become alone, his heart starts beating wildly behind his chest.

 

“Cara.”

 

Her entire body freezes before she looks up with wide eyes and Lu Han doesn’t even have the chance to blink before she leaps up to his arms and winds her arms around his waist. The way she’s holding to him is like she’s hanging on a thread that separates between life and death. Lu Han thinks his heart must have stopped for a split second before it starts to beat again.

 

She doesn’t cry but her body is shivering. Her skin feels as cold as ice, a remembrance of what was once managed to almost kill him. Her breathing is hitched, her chest heaving up and down but all of that doesn’t matter as much as her words.

 

“I’m fine,” she says, voice losing its edge as she holds him tighter “I’m fine. I’m okay.”

 

It’s as if something that once sewed his heart, is now tearing it apart again with bigger needles and nails. How can she say that? How can she keep trying to make him believe that everything is fine when it’s not?

 

“Oh God…” Lu Han says, almost whimpering when she cradles her head to his chest, pressing his lips to her hair. She’s trembling so much and no matter how much Lu Han tries to run his hands up and down her arms to keep her warm, the shivers never subside away. “Cara, what happened to you?”

 

She shakes her head, whispering, “I’m fine, I’m fine,” over and over again until Lu Han wants to cry for her sake. It’s hurting him to know how much she tries to be strong, to seem fine, when she’s crumbling down to pieces.

 

“Cara,” Lu Han says, pulling back and cupping her face with both hands to force her to face him. Her eyes are red and glistening with tears, but she bites her lower lip and tries her best to keep her cheeks dry. When she forces herself to smile, it takes all of him not too punch himself in the face because how could he do this to her? How could he have let this happen to her?

 

“I’m…” Lu Han breathes, gazing deep into her eyes and Cara can probably see how broken he is inside. “I’m gonna take you home, okay?”

 

She nods shakily and Lu Han takes her back to her feet by winding his arm around her waist. She’s so tiny and thin, a delicate flower in the desert. Lu Han intertwines their hands together, and he lets her clutches her fingers tightly around his. It doesn’t matter if it hurts. She needs to know that she’s in the hand of someone who will sell his soul to save hers.

 

When Lu Han finally manages to stop a cab for them, he opens the door for her and lets her get inside first. She hesitates as always, but today she seems different. She’s not hesitating because she’s scared of being inside something she has less chance to escape. She’s hesitating because something hurts her. Physically hurts her. She winces when she enters the cab, her breath hitching and her hand going straight to reach the left side of her stomach before she remembers that Lu Han is watching. She stops midair, proceeding quickly to take her seat as if everything is normal.

 

Lu Han doesn’t miss it, though. No matter how many times she tries to act normal, he can always tell.

 

Lu Han almost grit his teeth in anxiety before someone reaches up to him and tugs the end of his coat.

 

It’s the little girl again. The one with the big, black eyes and two curly ponytails named Maya.

 

“Hey,” Lu Han says, immediately putting on a mask with a happy, reassuring smile. “What are you doing here? I thought—”

 

“You have to take care of her,” she says, cutting him off with stern eyes and angry puffy cheeks. “You have to keep your promise.”

 

Lu Han blinks twice in surprise before he smiles and squats down, patting her head. “I know,” he says, “I won’t break my promise.”

 

“Good,” Maya says, taking a step back from him. “Because he said he’ll come back for her again.”

 

***

 

When Oh Sehun wakes up this morning, alone in his bed with the sunlight streaming through his window, he thinks, I can’t always be like this. I need to get up.

 

I need to change.

 

It takes a while, and he’s not even sure yet himself that he can become the person he once was—but it’s worth a try. He can’t keep mourning like this. He can’t keep lying on his bed, waiting for his body to rot and his mind to become numb from the pain of grief. He needs to wake up.

 

I need to live.

 

As he slips himself into a pair of jeans, shirt and a light grey hoodie to match the paleness of his cheeks, Oh Sehun stands in front of his reflection and just wishes that he doesn’t resemble his mother so much like this. He used to avoid gazing into the mirror because everytime he sees himself, he sees his mother. His mother’s eyes, sharp and narrow, used to gleam in the same light like his. The shape of their noses, even the outlines of their lips are similar. They somehow sicken him.

 

When, Sehun wonders as he strays his eyes away from the mirror that’s plastered to a wall of his room, will I be able to look at myself and smile as I remember you, Mother?

 

Sehun doesn’t let that thought ruin him. Today, he has made up his mind. Today, he will take a step forward, even for a little, even if he stumbles, even if his knees crumble as he tries to stand—he will try.

 

He quickly runs downstairs, grabbing a snapback and covering his hair with it before he walks out the door. It’s not much, but the cap is big enough to let him hide his eyes from people’s stare. His eyes are still puffy and somewhat red from last night, when he woke up from his dream with his chest thumping and his eyes dripping hot tears. It’s a progress, actually. Sehun doesn’t wake up with a scream anymore.

 

He has been skipping college for more than a month now, and he knows that’s his limit. He can’t stay absent anymore, otherwise he will have to repeat the whole semester again. He can’t disappoint Jongdae who’s been taking notes for him out of generosity. After what happened with his father and Lu Han, he can’t let anyone down ever again.

 

And not just his father, Lu Han, or Kim Jongdae.

 

Sehun swipes his thumb on the bottom side of his phone screen, unlocking it and showing a picture of a girl with a pair of striking blue eyes and a radiant smile that makes him want to throw his phone away because not one picture can ever treasure her beauty the way his own eyes see her.

 

She never calls. She doesn’t send him any mails either. Well, he supposes he should’ve seen it coming.

 

“This is the end of us. I’m breaking up with you.”

 

After that happened—so suddenly, appearing out of thin air from his mouth when his lungs felt like collapsing as well—there’s no way she would contact him again. He humiliated her, abandoned her, and betrayed every promise he ever made for his own selfish reason. He doesn’t ask for her forgiveness because he’s not even sure he can forgive himself.

 

He wants her back. Of course, he does. He’d be crazy if he didn’t. But sometimes, wounds are not meant to heal. They’re there to remember about how you once made stupid decisions over the things you treasured the most and learned how to deal with the consequences.

 

The sight of those blue eyes of hers is his wound. Her smile is the scar being written forever in his memory. And the three words that she once whispered as she pressed warm, gentle kisses to his bare chest, are the song he wishes to hear every night but never did.

 

I lost her. It’s too late. I should move on, just like how she is now.

 

And Sehun dares to call himself a very good liar because for a second there, he manages to deceive himself in believing that. But when he stops in front of his mother’s flower shop and notices that the door isn’t locked, everything in him starts to shake. That previous vow shatters to pieces within seconds.

 

There, standing in the middle of the room surrounded by different kinds of flowers, is the girl whose eyes managed to steal his breath during their first encounter. There, standing with his mother’s favorite flower in her gloved-covered hands, is the girl who owns the softest lips with delicate kisses that tasted like honey to his own. There, staring at Sehun with wide startled blue eyes, is the girl who, despite everything that happened, still manages to look at him like he’s the only boy who manages to tug on her heartstrings, just like what she’s doing to him.

 

“Se…” She almost drops the small pot of her mother’s Baby’s Breath flower to the ground. “Sehun…”

 

“You—” Sehun can hear his voice breaking. “Why… Why are you…?”

 

Why are you still in love with me?

 

“I’m—I’m sorry, I…” She panics, completely behaving out of character. She’s one of the few people that Sehun knows can keep their face calm and composed despite any circumstances they’re in. She rarely blushed. She almost never cried, unless when she was truly frightened. It took him a while to understand what she’s thinking when she’s not saying anything and now that he’s mastered it, he can tell just how much she still thinks of him in that way he always thinks about her.

 

And seeing her throwing her tranquil mask away like this, somehow hurts him in ways he could never imagine.

 

“I’m truly sorry,” she says again, her hands fumbling clumsily when she places the pot to the nearest table. “You must be surprised finding me here, I—I didn’t think you would come by today, I would’ve—” She quickly turns her body around, facing her back to him and covers with her fingers. They stay silent, and she can hear her own heart thundering like crazy.

 

Why is he here? I’m not ready for this. He doesn’t need me now, I shouldn’t have come here.

 

Sehun no longer needs me.

 

She looks up, feeling tears start to brim behind her eyelids and she tries to keep them away from falling to her cheeks.

 

Sehun still stands near the entrance door with an awfully stricken look on his face. Back then when his mother was hospitalized after the accident happened, Sehun had been the one to take care her flower shop. He didn’t really sell flowers to people, he just tried to keep them alive as best as he could so one day, when his mother recovered, she would sell them again with her own delicate hands and she’d thank her son for watching her flowers grow safe and healthy during her absence.

 

But of course ever since his mother passed away, he stopped coming to the shop. He believed his father was the one who took care of those flowers in his place, but he guesses that’s not the case. He should’ve figured out that his father would’ve been too busy to take care of them himself. And he should’ve known, that of course, of course she’d offer herself to fill his shoes. Though she’s not an expert, she loves flowers just as much as his mother did. Or at least, that’s what he thought.

 

Sehun just doesn’t know yet that it’s not the color of the flowers or the way they smell that attract her the most. It is the thought, a memory, of a two-years younger Oh Sehun who smiled so brightly when he took care of the flowers together with his mother.

 

Sehun glances around the place. The flower shop is clean and tidy, no trace of dust can be found and the flowers are blooming healthily. She must have been coming here everyday. Even when they broke up nearly two weeks ago, even when they’ve stopped contacting each other, she still visits this place. No matter what he did, she still wants to keep him happy by protecting the memories of his mother behind.

 

Damn it, Sehun thinks as he bites his lower lip and balls his fists. Damn it.

 

“I’m sorry,” she says again, almost making Sehun flinch because she sounds so hurt and yet she forces herself to act normal. She still tries to hold her tears by gazing at the glass-like roof that allows sunlight to pour over the plants. Her small back is quivering and her shoulders shake in the wrong way when she fakes a chuckle. “I know you said you didn’t want to see me again… I… I was just—”

 

Her words die suddenly on her tongue when she feels a pair of long, pale arms winding themselves around her waist. His breath falls to the back of her neck when he sighs in bliss, desperately yearning to touch her again, to feel his warmth collided with hers.

 

“Not fair,” Sehun whispers, tightening his arms around her body and presses his chest closer to her back. “You’re not being fair, Noona…”

 

She freezes, contemplating over his words and the way he embraces her. He’s so tall that he can easily place his chin on the top of her head even when she’s standing in her full height. But right now, Sehun slumps his body forward, burying his head to the crook of her neck and knocking his hat off his head along the way.

 

And when he tries to call her name, Sehun’s voice breaks apart. He loses control over it and that’s why he bites his lower lip. He grits his teeth when his vision starts to get blurry and he quickly closes his eyes before the tears fall to his cheeks.

 

Don’t let me go, Sehun wants to say. No matter what I do, don’t let go. No matter what I ask you, don’t leave me…

 

Sehun can’t guarantee that he won’t cry if he says those words out loud, that’s why he decides to stay in silence. And maybe that’s fine. Because just like Sehun, she no longer needs words to know how he feels.

 

Closing her eyes and finally letting herself cry but with a smile breaking upon her lips, the girl with the blue eyes places her hands above the stronger ones that embrace her around the waist and leans back to Sehun’s chest.

 

I’m here as long as you need me, Sehun.

 

***

 

HEY HEY HEY WHO JUST GOT BACK FROM THE DEAD

Since it's Christmas, I've decided to stop being an to my readers and provide a christmas gift for you all to show how much I LOVE YOU GUYS. First thing first, I wrote this chapter in a day and I don't actually have time to re-read it so if there are a lot of grammar mistakes and typos please forgive me. I honestly feel like for not posting any updates in months, it's just that I work six days a week and that has been killing me. I haven't fangirled over EXO for a long time--I didn't even know that Lu Han was leaving until one of my friends told me about it. It , I know, but I won't abandon this story if you guys are still willing to read it.

I know this chapter seems rushed and out of place and sappy and horrible and probably the worst thing you've ever read on AFF. I guess my writing skill is rotting. I want to cry.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR, YOU GUYS! I hope you enjoyed my impromptu present for you.

Love you all, dorks! See you next year!