UNCERTAINTIES

 

a.n: this chapter contains strong language.

 

“Oh, Lulu, you’re back,” Lu Han’s childhood friend says the moment she opens his apartment’s door for him. “Hey,” She wounds her arms around his neck and pulls him close. “I missed you. Are you okay?”

 

Lu Han sighs and nods, his cheek touching hers briefly when he pulls away from her embrace. He notices how her eyes are still red and heavy with sleep and how she’s now wearing his long-forgotten hoodie and a pair of his trousers. They’re probably six size bigger than the clothes she usually wears but they don’t make her look like anything but adorable.

 

“How was it?” She asks again, tidying up the wild strands of hair on his head. “How was your friend?”

 

“Sehun’s gonna be all right,” Lu Han weakly answers, exhaling heavily when he takes off his coat and throws it to the nearest table. “He fell asleep before I left,” Lu Han tells her. “His dad is watching over him now. I’ve texted his girlfriend too, so maybe she’ll come to visit him soon as well. It’s all right, he won’t be alone. He’ll be safe.” He convinces himself and she nods in respond. He smiles and ducks down to press a chaste kiss on her cheek. She waves it off as a friendly gesture and sends him a smile in return.

 

“Did you get a good night sleep?” he asks, patting her head before he strolls further inside his apartment. The Chinese man has bought some groceries on the way here and he places two big paper bags on the kitchen counter.

 

“Barely,” she huffs, yawning a little. “I spent the whole night talking with your girlfriend.” Lu Han feels a blush starts to creep up his face, but he doesn’t correct the term and just lets her continue with her words. “It was fun. I didn’t peg her to be much of a talker, but when she’s passionate about something, she can’t be stopped.”

 

“I know,” Lu Han says, smiling a little as he checks the fridge to see whether he has some fresh milk left to drink. “I used to see that part of her whenever she was reading books to the kids. What did you two talk about anyway?”

 

“Some secrets~” She teases and Lu Han shoot her a playful glare. “Oh, come on, Lulu. We’re girls. We gossip about stuff, that’s what we do.”

 

“Does that stuff include me?”

 

“And Baekhyun,” she nods, grinning. “And also Ryan Gosling, Kim Soo-Hyun, Lee Byung—aaw, hey!” She slaps Lu Han’s hand when he pinches her nose to stop her from talking.

 

“You’re lucky you’re adorable,” Lu Han mutters, moving deeper inside the living room until he settles down on his favorite couch. “So where’s Cara?”

 

“She’s taking a shower,” she answers, pointing her head toward the bathroom where he could hear the sound of the water running. “Hey, can I ask you something? She made me some tea this morning and I didn’t even ask her to. She went back to her room before I could see her but she left me this text, saying good morning, beside the cup. Does she always do that?”

 

His heart grows warm and he can feel himself smiling. “Yeah,” Lu Han says, “she does that.”

 

“Huh…” His best friend pokes the inside of her cheek with her tongue. “Cute. She even got the amount of sugar I like. Do you think I can get Baekhyun to do that? Make tea for me before I go to work?”

 

“Not likely.” Lu Han scoffs playfully. “He’s probably gonna say ‘why don’t you go make me some tea, woman?’ in return.”

 

“You’re right,” she sighs, almost scowling in jealousy at him. “Damn it. I’m married to a five year old and you have Mother Teresa taking care of you. You’re one lucky son of a , Lulu.”

 

“What did I do?” he asks and she only smiles back at him before she takes a seat beside the man. She leans her head on his shoulder and exhales heavily at the sight of Lu Han’s worn-out look on his face. “Are you really okay, Oppa? You look a bit… awful.”

 

Lu Han sneaks a glance at her before he huffs and leans his back to the couch. “Yeah,” he answers, “Yeah, I’m okay. It’s people around me who aren’t so maybe that’s why.”

 

She smiles understandingly and pats his hand. “Well, you know what they say, Lulu. If you want to see people hanging around without problems, you should be in heaven.”

 

Lu Han smiles back at her although it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay, though?” she asks again, taking his hand to give it a gentle squeeze. “You look a bit shaken.”

 

“You should’ve seen how Sehun looked like last night,” Lu Han replies, “He was like a moving corpse.”

 

She hums knowingly, remembering her own experience. “Losing someone is always hard.”

 

“Sehun doesn’t think about his mother just as someone, Kiddo,” Lu Han corrects her as he glues his eyes tiredly to the ceiling. “She was basically his everything. His source of happiness. Losing her like this almost drove him to the edge of his sanity. It was… painful to see him behaving like that.”

 

She keeps quiet for a few seconds. “Was he always this attached to her…?”

 

“Yes,” Lu Han says, closing his eyes as he swims back through his memories. “He used to have nightmares, and even though he never really told me about them, I knew he was dreaming about losing her. Sehun never cared about anyone as much as he cared about his mother.”

 

“I thought he cared about you a lot too.”

 

“Nothing compared to his love for his mother,” Lu Han sighs a little. “It’s funny how people are dying for their lovers while Sehun is breaking apart over his mother’s death.”

 

“I think that’s the purest form of love,” she says. “Loving your parents isn’t the same like the love you feel for your partners or your friends. There’s no lust, no malice, no deception or suspicion over anything. It’s just… love.”

 

Lu Han can’t agree more with her but he doesn’t speak it out. He just tries to breathe easily after all the things he witnessed today.

 

“Well, if you’re sure you’re okay,” she utters, standing up after she pats his head. “I’ll be going now.”

 

“What, you’re not even going to be here for breakfast?” he asks, taking her hand before she goes to change her clothes. “Stay. I still want to talk.”

 

“But—”

 

“Hey, I miss you,” Lu Han says and she laughs a bit shyly. “Come on, little dongsaeng. Stay~”

 

“I miss you too but I can’t.” She giggles when he pouts at her. “I have to meet Baekhyun.”

 

“You see your husband almost everyday,” Lu Han reasons, “Can’t you stay for me? Let me pay you back for staying and taking care of her.”

 

“Pay me back?” She asks. “Dude, you don’t have to do anything for me.”

 

“Don’t call me ‘dude’—”

 

“All I did was spending a night with a friend, Lulu, seriously. We watched TV together. We talked a lot. We gossiped over lame boys like you and my dumb husband and it was fun!” She smiles genuinely. “You don’t have to thank me for it. Now let me go or otherwise I will strip here right in front of you and I will not take any responsibility if Baekhyun ends up beating you into a pulp.”

 

“Baekhyun can’t even punch straight,” Lu Han mocks back though he releases her hand. “But okay, fine. I’ll take any kind of action to keep my beautiful face glowing like this.”

 

“Ugh, God,” she says, rolling her eyes exaggeratedly before she goes into his room to change her clothes back into her personal belongings. It doesn’t take more than ten minutes before she walks out his chamber with her bag slinging over her shoulder. She has her phone in one hand and she scrutinizes her phone’s screen with a frown. “Oh crap, I’m gonna be late.”

 

Lu Han gazes at her fondly as she checks up on her make up one last time in his mirror. Even after being married for years to Byun Baekhyun, she still acts like she’s about to go out on a date whenever she sees her husband. It somehow feels young and cute.

 

“Do you think you can come visit Cara again when you have time?” Lu Han asks hopefully.

 

“Of course!” She grins widely. “In fact, I already asked her to teach me how to make cupcakes. Baek will love it.”

 

Lu Han has never felt this grateful for finding someone like her when he was a kid. “You’re amazing,” he says, “thank you.”

 

“Okay, now don’t get gross on me, Oppa,” she says, flicking his nose playfully. “I gotta get going now. I’ll see you later?”

 

“Wait,” Lu Han calls, standing up from his seat as well when she starts to move away. “I’ll walk you home.”

 

“And leave her alone in here?” She scoffs, mocking him with a teasing smile. “Please, you don’t have the balls to do so. Besides, Baekhyun is picking me up on the nearest station. It’s just a few meters away from here, I’m sure I’ll be okay on my own.”

 

“You sure?” Lu Han still looks uncertain.

 

“Positive,” she answers with another cheerful, almost teasing grin. “Now go clean up and change your clothes. You look like you just got hit by a truck.”

 

Lu Han gives out a small laugh. He sure does feel like one. “Okay, okay. Text me when you get home so I’ll know you’re safe.”

 

“Oppa, it’s nine in the morning. The only thing that’s not safe is my wallet because there’s this store down the street that sells the most amazing boots I’ve ever laid my eyes on. Let’s just hope it’s not open yet.” She sticks her tongue out when Lu Han shakes his head at her. She gathers her bag and walks her way to the front door. “Oh, and Lulu?” she calls before she disappears behind the door. “You should treasure her.”

 

Lu Han blinks, frowning a bit. “Umm, why the sudden—”

 

“She cares about you so much,” she says. “She kept worrying about you all night, asking herself whether you could get some sleep, whether you’ve eaten or not. She went to bed before me, but when I went into her room, she was still awake, curling into her blanket and staring at the phone you lent her. She wanted to call you but she didn’t, probably worried that she would bother you if she did.”

 

Lu Han was speechless. “She… She did that?”

 

His best friend smiled helplessly at him. “Yes. And she kept asking unimportant questions about you. Your favorite color, your favorite food—you know, she probably wouldn’t have stopped asking if I didn’t roll my eyes at her. I guess Baekhyun’s sassy attitude is rubbing off on me. This is bad.”

 

The man only stared at his friend with a gaping mouth.

 

“Look, I know you said you loved her, Lu,” she says, her eyes grow serious once more. “And I’m in no position to question your feelings for her. I think she really likes you.”

 

Lu Han can’t help but feel a little warm upon hearing those words. “You… You think so?”

 

“Yep, probably more than both of us can imagine but don’t get your hopes up too much.” She almost laughs a little but there’s also a sad smile behind her eyes. “You guys look cute together and I wish you two a long time happiness but… I’m…” It’s hard for her to say. “Just please don’t throw her away, Lu Han.”

 

Lu Han suddenly feels cold from her words. “Why would I throw her away?” he asks, voice confused. “There’s no way I would—”

 

“I know, it’s just…” she hesitates, contemplating her words. “You know what? Nothing.” She ends it with an awkward laugh that doesn’t reach her eyes. “Forget it. I was just being weird. I’d better go.”

 

And she’s about to move away from his line of vision before she stops after hearing Lu Han’s call, “No, wait! Tell me.”

 

She winces slightly. “You really wanna hear this?”

 

Lu Han knits his eyebrows together. He feels uneasy but he nods.

 

“Well,” she starts, exhaling heavily. “I’ve known you for so long, Oppa. And if there’s one thing I know about you is that you tend to get so obsessed over something when you can’t have it, but when you do—the second you have that thing in your hands—you’ll throw it away. You always get bored easily. I’m just afraid that you’ve mistaken your fixation over her into love.”

 

“I don’t do that,” Lu Han says, almost laughing but he knows there’s nothing funny about the truth she just said. “And even if I do, it’s not like that with her. I love her. It’s not just an obsession. I really do love her.”

 

She bites her lower lip uncertainly before she speaks again. “Then why does it sound like you’re trying to convince yourself rather than trying to convince me?”

 

Lu Han stands frozen to his feet, his heart clattering against his chest. “It’s…” He his chapped lower lip anxiously. “It’s not like that…” But then why does he sound so unsure?

 

She looks at him with a frown for a few seconds before she resorts to shrugging and giving him a knowing smile. “Well, maybe it’s different now because you’ve grown up and become so old and lame.”

 

Lu Han can feel a snarky comeback ready to fly off his tongue but he can’t speak. He swallows the lump in his throat. Everything feels wrong.

 

“Hey,” his best friend comes closer, squeezing his shoulders affectionately. “It’s okay. Don’t take my words seriously. You care about her. I know you do.”

 

“Care doesn’t necessarily mean love.” He hears himself speak even when he can’t even will himself to blink.

 

His friend stares sadly at him before she leans up and kisses him softly on the cheek. “I have to go,” she says, “I’ll see you two later, okay?”

 

Lu Han can only stare at the empty air with a small farewell smile on his lips, but the minute he’s left in silence, he becomes to think harder over her words.

 

Those things she said…

 

They scare him.

 

***

 

“Oh…” Cara blinks her eyes once in surprise when she notices Lu Han’s presence in the living room. She’s dressed in her usual knitted sweater, but this time it’s a different one. The color is peach instead of creamy white and Lu Han loves the way the new color seems to bring the softness in her eyes. She still has her white towel on her head, covering her damp hair and she immediately grabs it down when his eyes meet hers. Soft blush spreading across her porcelain cheeks and Lu Han wonders why.

 

“Y-you’re back,” she says, tucking a wet strand of her hair behind her ear. “Welcome home.”

 

It’s only been a night and his heart already hurts this much from missing her.

 

“You must be tired,” she says, folding her towel and places them back on the towel rack. “You can take a shower and refresh yourself, i-if you want.” She looks more nervous than she used to behave normally and Lu Han would’ve frown, if he weren’t too distracted by the way the light of the sun shone in her eyes. It makes them appear to be more golden than hazel and he thinks he just loves them even more—if that’s possible.

 

“I’ll go make you some coffee,” she says, already scurrying her way to the kitchen before Lu Han can even stand up from the couch. “Have you eaten? Should I make you something for breakfast?”

 

Lu Han follows her movement with his eyes and he’s entranced by the way she’s always able to look so graceful even when her voice sounds a bit shaky from being too nervous. “Coffee’s fine,” he replies.

 

Lu Han can hear soft clanking of spoon meeting glass and the sound of pouring water. “Is Sehun okay?” she asks, as she busies herself in measuring the right amount of cream Lu Han likes in his coffee. “I wanted to text you and asked how he was but I was afraid that I would bother you and—” She suddenly stops, her breath catching in . “Umm… L-Lu Han?”

 

“Just stay,” Lu Han says, whispering softly in her ear as he wraps his arms around her waist. He closes his eyes and lays his chin on her tiny shoulder, pressing his chest against her back in the way that’s too intimate; he becomes afraid of how loud his heart is beating. She smells like soap and his everyday shampoo but there’s still a scent of her that never lingers away from her skin. “Just stay like this for a while…”

 

Cara lets out a shuddering breath, her skin crawls but she doesn’t hate it. If anything, she even loves the way her heart is racing fast at the moment. It makes her feel alive. He makes her feel alive.

 

“Lu Han…?” she quietly asks. Her fingers are still holding the spoon but her grip is weak. “Are you okay?”

 

No. No, I’m not.

 

“I’m scared,” he confesses, feeling a big knot in his throat that makes it hard to speak. Or even breathe.

 

Cara’s eyebrows knit in confusion, and she lets out a ragged breath because Lu Han is still holding her so close in his arms. She feels so tiny and frail in his embrace but she feels safe. And most of all, she doesn’t feel fear. She no longer knows how to put a safe distance between them. Lu Han is the only thing she can think of right now. And it has been like that for a while.

 

“What are you scared of…?” she asks and she shivers when Lu Han shifts his face and presses his temple against her shoulder blades.

 

Lu Han bites his lip. He doesn’t know. There are so many things he’s afraid of: Cara’s well being. The past. Failure. Snow. Death. Sehun’s health. Rejection.

 

Lu Han is scared of all of them.

 

But most of all…

 

“There’s a thin line between love and obsession. Don’t get them mixed up.”

 

“I’m just afraid that you’ve mistaken your fixation over her into love.”

 

Lu Han fears uncertainties.

 

He’s scared of almost everything and he can’t sort his priorities well. He thinks he already knows too much about love and the pain and happiness it brings. But the truth is, he doesn’t know anything at all. So it surprises him when his mouth suddenly starts to form words.

 

“My feelings,” he says, “I’m scared of not knowing my own feelings. Of how I feel about…” You. “…everything.”

 

What if everyone’s right? What if this is just an obsession? What if my feelings aren’t real? Do I really love her? Is this love I’m feeling for her or am I just trying to win in my own game by owning her?

 

And Cara stays still, letting him breathe. It’s a surprise even to herself when she finally finds the courage to take his hand and turn to face him straight in the eyes. The coffee is long forgotten.

 

She looks up and cups his cheek with her gentle fingers. Though they’re still trembling from her uncontrolled nervous system, she keeps her voice steady.

 

“Feelings are not meant to be known with your mind,” she says and Lu Han can’t even blink. He’s swimming too deep in her eyes and he’s lost his way back to the surface. “Feelings are meant to be felt and that’s why you can’t try to be rational when you think about them. You’ll know what’s right when you feel it in your heart.”

 

Lu Han’s brain freezes from her words. And he realizes that it’s true. He’s trying to think too hard of his feelings, of whether his love was real or not by listening to what other people think. Of trying to think about them and not actually feeling them. But what does his heart tell him to? What is it trying to say?

 

“Mother?” Seven year-old Lu Han asked his mother. The lady only hummed in response as she kept herself busy trying to fix her son’s tie. She kneeled in front of him, tidying his uniform first before she focused back to his little bow tie. “How can you tell you’re in love with someone?”

 

Her mom blinked in surprise before she smiled until her eyes crinkled at the end—just like him. “What’s with the sudden question, Honey? Do you find a girl you like?”

 

The little boy shook his head. “I was just wondering why you keep saying you love dad every morning before he goes to work.”

 

“Because I do,” she said, kissing her son’s temple before she stood up and went to prepare his lunchbox.

 

“Then how do you feel?” he asked, following his mother’s steps towards their kitchen. “How do you know you’re in love?”

 

“You just know,” she said, chuckling a little at her son’s stubbornness. “You’ll know when you feel it, Lu Han.”

 

The little boy pouted, clearly not satisfied with her answer. His mother noticed the small grumpy look on his face so she bent down once again to match his height and smiled adoringly at him.

 

“When you’re in love with someone someday,” she said, fixing the wild strands of his hair. “It’s not because she’s beautiful. It’s not because she looks great wearing summer dresses. And it’s not because she carries a purse worth a fortune.”

 

“Mom, enough with the hair!” Lu Han whined, moving away from his mother’s touch and the lady giggled at him. “But I thought you love Dad because he’s handsome.”

 

“He is handsome,” his mother assured him. “But it’s not his looks that makes me want to wake up every morning beside him. It’s not how handsome he is that makes me smile before I go to sleep at night.”

 

Little Lu Han became irritated. He wanted a certain answer and his mother just kept on going round and round without proper explanation. “Then whaaaaaat?” he whined.

 

“There are so many little things I can’t describe, Luhannie. Maybe it’s the way he holds my hand,” her mother said with eyes speaking in adoration. “It’s the way I can tell how even after all this time, his fingers still shake a little as if he was embarrassed. As if to him, I was still the girl he once fell in love with in high school. It’s the way he speaks to me—how he sounds softer than when he speaks to everyone else. It’s the way he doesn’t say ‘I love you’ back to me, even when I say that to him every morning. His eyes speak more than his words and I am more than lucky to be able to say those words to him in the beginning of our days and the last few seconds before we go to sleep.”

 

“I don’t get it,” Lu Han muttered, folding his arms on his chest. “So you love Dad because his hands are shaking?”

 

Her mother laughed and kissed his hair one more time. “You’ll know when you’re older.”

 

Lu Han is now a much older man, but he still knows very little. Because even though years have gone by, Lu Han is still the same. He’s never really experienced love. He doesn’t know what it is. He knows attraction. He understands lust and passion. He understands and how it’s just a thing you can casually do with someone without needing to remember their names. But love?

 

Love is such a vague thing to decipher…

 

“Lu Han…?” Cara’s voice comes to his hearing. “Are you all right?”

 

“You’ll know when you feel it, Lu Han.”

 

This time, he tries to really feel what’s inside his heart when he looks into her eyes: the color of hazel that is soon to be his favorite color, and how he finds pleasure when he stares deep into them. He tries to feel the spark on his fingertips as his hand traces the veins underneath her wrist. His heart beats loud and thunderous, ringing to his ears when he remembers the way she smiles at him. Her eyes crinkling and her lips looking soft and he knows he’s done for. He tries to feel the warmth of her fingers on his cheek and how they brush softly against his skin. But on top of all her beauty, Lu Han grows even fonder of the way she loves to take care of people—of little kids, who are still clueless about the world. Lu Han finds relief and bliss in knowing that she keeps trying to change into a better person because he inspired her to do so. And he finds comfort when he realizes that in a way, she’s making him feel even more alive than ever.

 

It’s something he can’t understand with his head, but he feels it well behind his chest.

 

And this time, he wants to stop thinking and just feel everything.

 

“It’s not an obsession,” Lu Han says, one hand holding her wrist while the other one finds it way behind her neck. “I’m really in love with you.”

 

And without paying any attention to what his mind has to say, he acts upon what his heart tells him to do.

 

He kisses her. Lips to lips. Breath to breath. Warmth to warmth.

 

Lu Han probably doesn’t know the first thing about love. But if this is how it feels to be near her than he doesn’t need love. This, this particular feeling he’s witnessing in his heart right now, is more than enough.

 

***

 

 

Cara doesn’t know what to do. She literally has no clue.

 

Lu Han is kissing her.

 

He is kissing her.

 

There are so many things running through her heart but her mind? It’s blank.

 

Lu Han kisses like the air. So light, almost faint, and it makes her weak without it. She closes her eyes in reflex and her eyelids shut even tighter when he unconsciously starts to drag her body closer. He wraps a hand around her waist, holding her so she can stand comfortably in his arms. His other one cups her cheek, lifting her face to meet his and if she were brave enough to open her eyes, she would’ve known how long and beautiful his eyelashes were. The posture may seem to be a bit possessive and demanding, but that’s not how she feels.

 

She feels safe. She feels warm. She feels loved.

 

Lu Han’s brain has probably stopped working by now, because this was the moment. This is it. This is something he’s been longing to do since the first day he met her and he has dreamt about this for a while in these last few years. The only difference is that now he’s not doing this out of lust. It’s something more. Something deeper. Something better.

 

He breaks the kiss, breathing hard even though they barely do anything and he doesn’t dare to look into her eyes. His heart runs wildly behind his chest and it hurts. It hurts feeling so many things at once but Lu Han craves the pain.

 

“It’s you,” he sighs, his breath warming her lips. “It’s only you…”

 

No one can make me feel like this except you.

 

And he kisses her again, with more pressure this time but slower and the pace is killing them both. He embraces her closer, his hold becoming a little desperate as he pours more feeling into the kiss.

 

“L-Lu Han—” She gasps against his mouth, her hands abruptly go to the edge of the counter, gripping it as if her life depends on it.

 

Lu Han only stops, not to breathe, not to live, but because of the soft sob that breaks from her lips.

 

He immediately lets her go, his heart thundering behind his ribcages. “Cara…?”

 

She brings her head down, biting her bottom lip when one crystal tear slides down from the corner of her eye to the tip of her nose. She quickly wipes it off, trying to hide it away from him. She presses her palms against his chest, weakly pushing him away as if she didn’t want to but she should because of reasons she couldn’t understand just yet.

 

“I’m…” Her voice breaks and she nibbles on her lower lip to keep herself steady but she soon finds out that it’s a bad idea because somehow she can taste him on her lip. “I’m sorry, I—I have to go—”

 

“What—Cara, wait—” And Lu Han reaches out a hand to catch her wrist, but she brings it to her face to catch whimpers from flowing out of before he can do so and just like that, he fails to keep her in his arms.

 

Cara closes the door behind her and she presses her back against the wooden surface. She slides down to the ground, feeling the carpeted floor of her room underneath her fingers. She cries, softly but long against her palm that’s covering .

 

She feels wrong. It feels so wrong.

 

Because she shouldn’t feel this happy. Because she’s not supposed to feel those butterflies moving in the pit of her stomach. Because Lu Han shouldn’t be that gentle, that honest, and that comforting in her mind and she shouldn’t be thinking about him right now but she is. She’s experiencing this feeling she once had toward the guy who owned her heart back in college, only this time, that feeling intensifies. Falling in love with Kim Minseok was easy, comforting, and familiar. Lu Han doesn’t make her feel that way.

 

Lu Han makes her breathless. Lu Han makes her want things that she shouldn’t even be able to crave. Lu Han makes her feel things she doesn’t even know she’s capable to feel. And she knows that the moment she closes her eyes to sleep tonight, the first face she would miss is his.

 

She shouldn’t have feelings. After being betrayed by everyone who claimed to love her, she shouldn’t have the capability to fall in love again. But because of Luhan she begins to learn to jump into the same hole and that scares her the most.

 

Because love was the reason why she was living hell on earth.

 

***

 

 

“I ed up,” Lu Han says as he leans his back against the kitchen’s counter. His ear is pressed tightly against the phone and he hisses again. “Oh God, I think I ed up really bad.”

 

“Okay, Oppa, now I can’t help you if you keep on swearing like that,” his best friend says from the other line. She’s almost wearing her impatient tone. “Try to keep it PG, will you?”

 

“No, you don’t understand—”

 

“Well then, explain better.”

 

“It's—I think I just kissed her,” Lu Han says straight to the point and he still can’t believe what he’s saying.

 

“You—what?!” She shouts back, probably gaping right now. “What do you mean you think you kissed her?”

 

“I mean, I kissed her.”

 

“You kissed her.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“You kissed Cara?”

 

Lu Han doesn’t even find the strength to be sarcastic anymore. “Yes!”

 

“On the… cheek?”

 

Lu Han nibbles on his bottom lip worriedly, his face blazing hot. “On the lips,” he whispers in his defeated voice.

 

“Was there any tongue action involved?”

 

Lu Han tells himself that he’s not blushing at the moment. “Does that really matter?!”

 

“Yes. I want to know how much you’ve ed this up,” she replies, not really intending to hurt though she betrays her own words by swearing.

 

“No,” Lu Han answers. “I mean, I wanted to but… You know what? I’m not even sure. When I kissed her, my mind just went blank. Like, I just literally stopped thinking.”

 

“Okay,” Lu Han can hear the sound of her inhaling a huge amount of air into her lungs. “First, you sound lame. Two, you literally stopped thinking? What are you, a third grader? And lastly, I left you for like twenty minutes alone with a girl and you already kissed the beejesus out of her. What in the freaking hell is wrong with you?! I thought you’ve changed!”

 

“I don’t know—I—” Lu Han feels like he wants to die. No, he wants to bury himself in a hole, knock his head with a hammer repeatedly until he can forget this whole thing, and then die.

 

“What do you mean you don’t know?!”

 

“Look, I screwed up, okay?! I was thinking about what you said before you left and so I wanted to make sure of my feelings—”

 

“By kissing her?!” She’s almost shrieking. “Lulu, you idiot! You can’t just do that—Are you freaking insane?! You know how fragile she is!”

 

“I know!” He cries out desperately, feeling his head throb uncontrollably. “That’s why I said I screwed up! I don’t know what’s gotten into me, I just—”

 

“Well, where is she right now?”

 

“In her room.”

 

“And what is she doing?”

 

“Umm… maybe crying…?”

 

“CRYING?!” she shrieks so loudly, Lu Han has to take the phone away from his ear. “AND YET YOU’RE HERE TALKING TO ME?! LULU, YOU’RE AN ABSOLUTE —”

 

“I AM, SO HELP ME! HELP ME, PLEASE.”

 

She throws a loud impatient sigh and Lu Han can imagine her throwing her hands in the air. “I can’t believe you. Look, I can’t talk right now. Baekhyun’s here and we’re about to go see a doctor—”

 

Lu Han clutches tightly to his phone, frantically begging, “No, don’t leave me—”

 

“Stop freaking out and listen!” She yells and he has to detached himself away from the phone. Again. “I’m going to come over there after my appointment’s done, okay? It won’t take long so just, I don’t know, stay calm and try to talk to her—”

 

“Talk?! What am I supposed to talk about—I just kissed her without permission and now she’s crying and—damn it, you can’t just leave me here because your husband is—”

 

“Yo, husband here,” a familiar voice suddenly comes from the other line and Lu Han already knows well who.

 

“Baekhyun?”

 

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says, snorting. “But I go by the name Husband now. Hello, am I speaking to China’s Third Class Gigolo at the moment?”

 

Lu Han groans. “Baek, I have no time for your sass. Could you stop being a piece of for a second and just help me, please?”

 

“Well, aren’t you just a cute little ball of sunshine?” Baekhyun mutters sarcastically. “And it’s been a while since I heard you beg, Lu. The last time was when you had to beg our English teacher to you after class.”

 

“I DID NOT BE—” Lu Han feels his head starting to hurt even more. “Dude, come on, I seriously need some advice here!”

 

“The only advice you’re going to get,” Baekhyun says and his voice dangerously drops a tone lower. “is to stay at home, calm your thumb-size brain down, and leave my wife alone because we have an appointment to go to.”

 

“Baek—”

 

“ADIOS, ER!”

 

And the line suddenly gets disconnected.

 

“!” Lu Han literally throws his phone to the couch, not paying a damn thing about it even when it cost a month worth salary of his job. He shouts out multiple curses under his breath as he continues pacing back and forth in his living room. He seriously has no clue what to do. Well, what do you say to a girl who you just kissed without her permission whatsoever and oh, not to mention that she had been physically abused many times and by strangers under the command of her husband? And of course, not to forget about the fact that she also has constant fears of being touched by people. What do you say to that?

 

Nothing? Yeah, thought so.

 

“She’s going to hate me,” Lu Han mumbles under his breath as his feet drags him back and forth from the kitchen to his living room. “She’s going to think that I’m just like any other guy who wants to have with her—I mean, I do, but—God, Lu Han, that’s not the freaking point, shut up!” He groans into the thin air, nails clawing against his scalp. “Get yourself together, man, and apologize!”

 

After taking a few moments to recollect himself, Lu Han nods and curls his fingers into tiny fists before he ran to her room, standing awkwardly in front of her door with heavy chest. He inhales deeply before he lets out his breath and he does it multiple times until he’s sure he won’t stutter when he speaks.

 

He knocks on the door. Thrice. “Cara?” he starts, his chapped lip nervously. “Cara, are you there?”

 

Of course she’s there, genius! Where else could she be?

 

“I mean, c-can you please come out for a talk?” Lu Han can even hear the lameness in his voice. “Cara, please?”

 

He doesn’t need to wait long. With a small creaking sound, the door opens, showing the longhaired girl with puffy eyes and slightly trembling lips. Cara stands there with a soft red nose and her lower lip caught between her teeth. Her eyes, they’ve become crystal clear with her tears and Lu Han almost wants to stab himself to death from making her cry. He knows she’s been crying but she keeps trying to pretend that she didn’t. She always pretends to be stronger whenever she stands in front of him.

 

Lu Han opens his mouth. “Cara, I’m—”

 

“It’s okay,” she immediately says, putting up a smile though she’s not ready yet to meet his eyes. “It’s… It’s fine, Lu Han. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

 

Somehow, her words make him feel even guiltier. “But…” He his bottom lip awkwardly again and he realizes this is probably becoming a new habit of his. “I heard you crying from there—”

 

She quickly shakes her head. “I wasn’t—”

 

“I—I feel awful,” Lu Han says, his hand almost reaching out to touch hers so he can comfort her, but he stops halfway. “I feel bad for forcing you to do something you don’t want to.”

 

Cara looks down to her feet, her fingers fiddling with the hem of her sweater.

 

“And I just…” Lu Han trails. “I’m sorry I kissed you—” But then he thinks of his words again.

 

Is he really sorry? For kissing her?

 

Does he really feel awful?

 

Lu Han opens his mouth and prays to God to make things better for them because his words are ready to fall out his tongue and he’s not yet certain that he should be talking about this out loud.

 

“No, you know what?” he asks, one hand gripping the side of his jeans while the other one is curled into a fist. “I’m not sorry. I’m glad I kissed you, because you know why? I have feelings for you and I’d be lying if I said I never thought about kissing you. So now I’ll be honest to you because I know that’s what you expect me to do.”

 

Cara finally looks up at him, frowning with her eyes glowing in disbelief. “Lu—”

 

“Although I feel like because I didn’t ask for your permission first, I’m not and will never be sorry for kissing you,” he continues, his voice crystal clear. “I’ve been wanting to do it for so long—from the moment I saw you helping that kid on the street, from the moment I see you smiling to my best friend, and from the moment you said to me that I made you believe there’s a happy ending for everyone. Is it so wrong for me to want to touch you? To want to hold your hand when we walk together? To want to kiss you?” His tone grows firmer when he says his last line. “Cara, is it so wrong for me to love you?”

 

When his sentences end, the rush of adrenaline deceases from his bloodstream and Lu Han finally notices he just freaking shouted every piece of his heart out. And yet, he doesn’t feel anything but relieved. He doesn’t feel regret. It’s about time she knows that he loves her this much and he wants her that way.

 

But now that the adrenaline is gone, Lu Han is scared once more. Especially when he sees how struck she is.

 

“Cara, I…” Lu Han’s voice starts to shake again. “I just…” But he doesn’t know what else to say.

 

She brings her head down once more and lays one hand on her chest. Lu Han almost thinks she’s about to collapse right there.

 

But no, she only hides her face behind her bangs before she steps back and does a ninety-degree bow.

 

“I’m sorry,” she says and Lu Han can hear soft sob at the end of her line. “I’m sorry.” She says again, bowing even lower and this time he can hear her cry even more vividly. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry—”

 

“Cara?” Lu Han frowns worriedly. She keeps on bowing and apologizing more and more until her shoulders shake harder. “Cara, what—”

 

When he reaches out to grab her wrist, she immediately steps away from him. Covering with her palm as she tries to blink away her tears.

 

“I’m sorry,” she cries softly, her teeth clattering against each other. “I’m sorry.”

 

Lu Han just stands there, not knowing what to do. Though he knows she’s crying because of him, it doesn’t feel that way. There’s something more. There’s something wrong with her.

 

“Hey, it’s all right,” Lu Han assures her though deep down, he’s panicking as well. He brings out a hand again, trying to lace their fingers together so he can comfort her better but she brings both of her hands away, curling them against her chest.

 

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” she whispers in her shaky voice. “It’s me—I’m… I’m not good for you.”

 

“Cara—”

 

“You’re so nice,” she says, sobbing softly when she closes her eyes and two tears fall down to her cheek. “You’re so kind and I don’t deserve you—”

 

“Cara,” Lu Han sternly cuts her off and his tone forces her to look at him in the eyes again. When they lock gazes, Lu Han never lets his eyes fleet away from her. Carefully, he waits for her to catch her breath before he begins speaking. “Will you tell me what’s wrong?” he asks and his soft eyes manage to keep her away from crying.

 

“I can’t… I can’t stop thinking about him,” she confesses and Lu Han freezes.

 

“Him?” Lu Han repeats; his expression grows darker. And with a blank stare on her eyes, she nods.

 

In one way, she’s happy to be loved by the best man in the world. But in another, when she closes her eyes, he appears.

 

The man who laughed at her misery.

 

The one who carved the word ‘mine’ all over her body.

 

The one who taught her that love is just a part of something even more dangerous.

 

“They can use you all they want, but you’re mine.”

 

And it’s called obsession.

 

“When I’m with you,” she quietly says and Lu Han has to keep his ears ready to hear her words. “I feel so happy, Lu Han. All I can think about is you.”

 

Lu Han searches her eyes. Why does she sound so heartbroken? “Cara—”

 

“Let me say this, please,” she says, eyes pleading and Lu Han stills for a second before he nods and lets her speak. “Lu Han, you give me something to live for when I thought I had nothing. Since I met you, I become to learn that not all people are bad. I become to have friends again. I stop having nightmares every night. Even if it’s not much, I’m starting to become better. I just think of you and everything becomes better. I owe you my life.”

 

Lu Han gulps. This is the first time he’s hearing this from her. And it’s probably sweet and touching, if her eyes weren’t as dreadful and empty as they are right now.

 

“But…” She slowly hugs her body, as if she was trying to hold herself so she wouldn’t break into pieces. “When you kissed me earlier… I couldn’t think of anyone else but him.”

 

“You’re mine.”

 

“Of how he treated me.” Cara unconsciously starts the scars underneath the sleeve of her sweater.

 

“The only one who can hurt you is me.”

 

“Of the promises he said to me.” She wants to close her ears from the voices she keeps on hearing.

 

“I love you. I love you so much it hurts, you know?”

 

“How he was so obsessed in having me for himself.”

 

“Tell me you love me and maybe I’ll let you go. Or else I’ll ruin your family. I’ll ruin everything you own. I’ll destroy everything you love.”

 

“I can’t…” She gasps softly, hugging her body tighter as she closes her eyes. “I can’t love anyone else without being scared of getting hurt, Lu Han… I’m sorry.”

 

Lu Han reminds himself to breathe properly. No matter how angry, how sad, and how sick he is with all these things her husband had done to her, he needs to keep himself calm. If he reacts based on his feelings, she will only get hurt even more.

 

“Then what do you want?” Lu Han asks, voice almost as quiet as the wind, moving small leaves outside. “Do you want me to go? Do you want me to distance myself away from you?”

 

He doesn’t really wait for an answer because when he tentatively takes a step back, Cara quickly reaches out a hand and grabs him by the wrist.

 

That action surprises them both.

 

“Oh,” she gasps, her eyes round in shock. Her body reacts before her mind can think properly and she immediately lets him go, blushing furiously as she does so. “I’m…” She panics, her heart throbbing so fast it almost hurts. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t… S-sorry.”

 

Lu Han smiles at the faint warmth of her fingers that somehow still swirl around the skin of his wrist, even though her hand is no longer there. “Well then, that settles it,” he says, carefully taking a step forward. Cara immediately lifts her head up, watching the Chinese man with anxiety in her eyes.

 

Lu Han stands in front of her, smiling softly while still keeping a safe distance between them. “Does this scare you?” he asks and she blinks in surprise for a second before she slowly shakes her head.

 

He takes another step forward. “Does this scare you?” he asks again and Cara remembers when Lu Han once did this with her too back then when they were sharing stories at the garden behind her sister’s pastry shop. She shakes her head again.

 

When Lu Han steps closer again, they’ve become so close and he dares to reach out and take her hand away from fiddling with the end of her sweater. She lets him intertwine his fingers with hers and produces this soft sigh of longing and Lu Han can somehow sense a spark of happiness in there.

 

“Does this scare you?” he asks, smiling sweetly again and she gives him the same gesture as her previous one.

 

Slowly, he lifts it up and presses her hand against his cheek. Cara can feel the warmth of his soft skin seeping through her palm.

 

“Does this scare you?” he asks, closing his eyes as he leans his head to her touch.

 

“No…” she whispers and Lu Han opens his eyes again, locking them with her hazel orbs. Gently, he tilts his face to the side and grazes his lips against the sensitive skin of her palm.

 

“Are you afraid of me?” he asks and she flinches because somehow his kiss against her hand is sending weird feelings to her stomach.

 

“No…” She says and Lu Han smiles again. She wonders how can a man be so good looking like this? And so kind and gentle?

 

“I know,” Lu Han says, taking her hand away from his face but never let it fall from his grip. “I know this is hard for you and I’m sorry for being so slow in understanding this whole thing. I know it takes time to heal, but I’m here. I’m always here for you, do you hear me? No matter how long it takes, I’ll be waiting for you.”

 

“Why?” she asks, sounding a bit desperate. She doesn’t want to hurt him and she knows she’s giving him mixed signals because there’s a part in her that’s too selfish to let him go. “You know I can’t…” She hesitates, bringing her eyes away from his. “I can’t love you like that.”

 

“Can’t or won’t?” he asks and for the first time ever that day, she witnesses the hurtful look on his face so clearly. “Cara, if you don’t love me—not even in the slightest, I can understand. If you don’t feel anything for me, if you hate me when I talk to you—”

 

She shakes her head furiously. “No, of course not—”

 

“If you feel disgusted of me—”

 

“Lu Han—” Her line ends up with a sharp inhale of breath when Lu Han suddenly pulls her by the wrist and embraces her tightly with his arms. He has one hand cradling her head and another one circling her tiny waist. She has her cheek pressed against his chest and faintly, she can hear his heartbeat going fast behind his ribcages.

 

“If you feel,” Lu Han breathes out, his lips grazing her hair. “If you feel nothing when I do this to you, then I’ll stay away. If you feel like letting me go, then I will leave you alone. I won’t bother you anymore.”

 

Her body goes still, her lips a bit parted. She can smell his scent—sweet, intoxicating, and masculine. Her heartbeat races fast but it’s not because she fears him. It’s already too late for her to run. There’s no part left in her that wants to distance herself away from him.

 

She’s scared being in a relationship. And she can guarantee her ex-husband’s face will still haunt her as long as she lives, but with Lu Han…

 

She will try. At the moment, she realizes that she never wants to let him go.

 

She sobs softly as she raises an arm to circle around his waist, grabbing the back of his shirt. “I don’t want to hurt you,” she whispers.

 

“Stop thinking about me,” Lu Han says, smiling when he kisses the top of her head. “Start thinking about what you want.”

 

“I want…” She murmurs against his shirt, burying her face so he won’t be able to witness her blush. “I want to know you better… To remember you until I can’t think of anyone else.”

 

And it’s too bad when Lu Han chuckles a little after that because he misses the chance to hear her saying the words, ‘and to love you’ against his chest.

 

“Good,” Lu Han says, her hair. “And hey, if you’re so worried about me getting hurt, let me tell you the obvious. I’m so happy right now I feel like my head’s about to blow off. You’re not hurting me in the slightest.”

 

She giggles lightly, sniffling a little as she embraces him tighter. “M-me too…”

 

He slips his fingers in between her long strands while his other hand wounds itself tighter around her tiny waist. “Have you eaten yet?” he asks she shakes her head. “Why? Were you waiting for me?”

 

She nods and shyly looks up to him. “I knew you were going back so… I—I wanted to eat together with you.” Her eyes are big and beautiful and if he weren’t careful, Lu Han would’ve found himself kissing the tears away from her eyes.

 

“Oh…” Lu Han clears his throat, trying to keep himself together so he won’t lose himself in those mesmerizing hazel eyes. “Shall we eat then?”

 

She laughs softly at his awkwardness and it makes him chuckle as well. The two of them stay like that for a moment, hand in hand, her head lying on his chest, his lips grazing her hair. Lu Han almost dares to lean down even more to kiss her temple and—

 

“And that is why we shouldn’t trust Chinese people, Sweetheart,” Baekhyun says, staring at the couple with his hands folded on his arms. “See? I know we should’ve gone home and ed instead.”

 

His wife, Lu Han’s best friend, sighs and rubs the side of her head with her fingers and the Chinese man wonders whether it was because of the situation he’s in right now or the words her husband just said.

 

Cara immediately pushes herself away from Lu Han’s embrace. Her face looks flustered and her movement stutters.

 

“Care to explain, Lulu?” His best friend asks, smiling though her glare is practically sharp enough to cut glass.

 

Lu Han sighs.

 

This is going to be a long day.

 

***

GUYS! GUYS! I'M SO SORRY! OMG I'M SO SORRY FOR UPDATING THIS LATE!

I was so busy these last few weeks and I think I'm gonna be even busier next week so maybe I won't be able to update once a month anymore. I'm putting both of my stories on hiatus for now, but if I have time, I'll try to write more and post sooner. Promise!

God, this ! Growing up ! Having a job ! AAAAAARRGGGGH AND EXO IS HAVING A COMEBACK I JUST WANT TO CRY WHY CAN'T I JUST STAY IN BED AND FANGIRL ALL DAY

anyway, I made a twitter account! You can find me here: @mswritersays Just in case it will take me forever to log into this site, you can always talk to me there. That's not my personal account so I won't post personal stuff. I'll mainly post about EXO (well, duh!) and maybe, I'll write short stories there too since I won't be able to post new chapters that often anymore.

Anyway I know this chapter is crap. No, really. I don't even know what I'm writing anymore. I can't focus these days and this is the best I could manage to write in a short amount of time, so sorry for that. Hope you enjoyed it anyway!

As for Baekhyun's story, please don't expect me to update this month. Like I said, I'll try to write when I have time but I can't guarantee you when. Please understand, guys, you know I love you *kisses you sloppily on the cheek*