NUMB

 

“Sehun, please come home.”

 

The boy had never heard his father sound so broken before. Mr. Oh used to be so happy and warm but now all Sehun could feel was the tinge of pain and sorrow in his voice. He missed the melodious tone his father used to have as he spoke. He missed the way he could imagine his father’s smile in every word. Sehun found out that he missed a lot of thing, but maybe, he thought, that was just how life supposed to work.

 

It was really something how a year could draw so many shades on a man’s personality that Sehun couldn’t figure out which were his true colors anymore.

 

“Sehun…”

 

Dad, don’t be like this. Please.

 

“It’s not your fault, Son.”

 

It is. It’s my fault.

 

“I miss you.”

 

I miss you too but you know I will only bring you more pain if I’m there.

 

“We need you here with us.”

 

No, you don’t. You’re better when I’m gone.

 

She’s better when I’m gone.

 

Sehun only closed his eyes shut, keeping his lips pressed tightly so he wouldn’t let out the sobs he’d been trying to contain.

 

Sehun used to believe in God. The boy used to put a lot of faith in Him, never wavering even when his friend, Jongdae, scoffed at him and told him that he was wasting his time believing in something that wasn’t real. But after praying and crying every night for Him to take away the pain ended up with nothing but adding another hollow pang in his heart, Sehun just gave up. He stopped praying. And he began to believe on what was more real: death.

 

Death was coming and he could practically taste it on his tongue.

 

It was terrifying.

 

“I know this has been hard on all of us,” his old man spoke again, sounding a little bit strained at the end. “I know you blame yourself for this. And I…” He creates a small gasp, as if he was on the verge of crying himself. “I-I know you blame me too, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything, but please, Son. Come home and let me see you.”

 

Sehun bit his lower lip, his heart clattered against his chest.

 

But I can’t, Dad. Not now.

 

“I’m starting to lose your mother,” Mr. Oh said, almost inaudible, “Don’t make me lose my only son too…”

 

Sehun couldn’t handle the scream that was coming not from his lips but his heart.

 

“Sehun… Please…”

 

Sehun usually had enough heart to ignore his father’s words and shut the line off before he could say more. But this time, he couldn’t stop himself from reaching out to him as well.

 

“D-dad…” It wasn’t more than a shaky whisper, but it was enough. It was a start.

 

“Sehun!” His father sounded so relieved to finally be able to hear his son’s voice again. After leaving so many voicemails and being rejected every time he called, Mr. Oh was already standing on the edge of his sanity. It was already like a gift for him when his son pressed the answer call button again today, and now Sehun was actually talking to him. He couldn’t wish for anything more. “Sehun, are you okay—have you eaten properly—where are you—a-are you safe—Sehun—”

 

“Dad, please just—” Sehun cursed inwardly when he found it to be too hard for him to speak. “I don’t want you to worry—”

 

“Sehun, your mother doesn’t hate you,” his father hurriedly said, as if it would matter to him. The thing was, it wouldn’t matter much. Not when Sehun could still feel the cut that was starting to bruise on his right cheekbone.

 

“Dad,” Sehun exhaled heavily. “Please stop...”

 

“She’s just—she’s just sick, Son.” His father’s voice shook a bit on the edge. “She doesn’t mean any of that—y-you know, she doesn’t.”

 

“I don’t—” Sehun covered his mouth and took a moment to calm himself down. If he had spoken another word, he would’ve started chocking on his tears.

 

“Son, please,” his father pleaded, “Just come back here and—you know how much she loves you.”

 

Sehun took another ragged breath before he spoke again. “It’s… It’s okay, Dad. I just don’t want to see her for now. Or you, for that matter.”

 

“But I can’t take care of you if I can’t see you—”

 

“Don’t worry about me, D-dad, I’m—” Don’t cry, don’t you ing cry, Oh Sehun. Be strong for once! “I’m not alone—I’m with… my friend.” He couldn’t tell that he was currently staying at his girlfriend’s place because otherwise his father could just drop by and drag him away by force. It was unlikely for Mr. Oh to do that though. He never forced Sehun to do anything. He was always too nice to begin with. “I… I can take care of myself, Dad, don’t worry.”

 

“But Sehun—”

 

“Just be there for Mom,” Sehun sobbed, not bothering to lie about it anymore. “Just take care of her for me, will you? I’ll only make things worse if I’m there.”

 

“That’s not true, she’s—”

 

“She won’t recognize me again, Dad!” The boy was so frustrated that he ended up yelling even though he didn’t mean to. His father didn’t deserve any of this. “I’m…” A sob that Sehun could no longer contain interrupted his words. “Dad, I can’t live like this anymore! I can’t just go there and get my hopes crushed over and over again—”

 

Sehun could tell that his father was panicking as well. “S-son, listen—”

 

“No, I’m sick of this!” Sehun could feel the saltiness of his tear when it reached the corner of his lips. “I just... Just please understand that I don’t want to hurt mom anymore than this… I’m tired, Dad… I’m tired of being pushed around and getting yelled at just for wanting to hug my own mother.”

 

His father finally fell silent, not knowing what to say anymore.

 

“I’ll be fine, just…” Sehun sniffled, rubbing the tip of his nose. “Just leave me alone for now and focus on taking care of mom. I love you, Dad.”

 

“Sehun, wait—”

 

The call ended with a click and Sehun hoped if only he could shut the pain out of his mind as easily as that.

 

***

 

 

“It’s over,” Sehun mumbles softly under his breath. His eyes are bleary and Lu Han’s not sure if he’s fully awake or not. “Everything’s over.”

 

“Come on, Sehun,” Lu Han says, grunting a little bit as he tries to keep the other boy stand straight on his feet. The older man has been trying his best to walk him home with a hand wrapped protectively along the other man’s waist. Sehun is compliant enough to circle one hand around Lu Han’s neck when the man asks him too, but the younger boy is still not fully conscious. Alcohol seems to have blurred most of his senses and Sehun can’t care about anything else other than his own problem for the moment.

 

“Help me out here, buddy, I’m not strong enough to carry you all the way home,” Lu Han begs but Sehun keeps muttering, “It’s my fault. This is all my fault,” over and over again until that line gets perched in Lu Han’s mind. Lu Han isn’t brave enough to dig deeper and find out what he means.

 

When they both reach the cab, everything gets easier from there. Sehun looks like he’s fallen asleep on the way to his house but judging by the way his nails keep digging painfully to the leather-cladded seat, Lu Han’s not sure. The Chinese man carries him until they both end up standing outside Sehun’s house. It’s still just as warm and beautiful as Lu Han remembers, but he knows it’s not the same. A few years ago, Lu Han stood in this very spot and smiled back when the familiar boy opened the door and greeted him with a massive youthful grin and a loud, “Xiao Lu, you’re here!”

 

Today, Lu Han stands in the same place with a shattered heart, a clouded mind, and a lifeless boy in his arms. He’s greeted by no one, for the boy has traded his smiles into unshed tears and Lu Han just wished he had the time to be grateful for each and every smile Sehun has given him throughout these years. But of course, it’s too late now.

 

After all, you never miss a good thing until it’s gone.

 

Lu Han lifts Sehun up and carries him forward until he can lay him down on one of the terrace chairs. “Give me a sec, I’ll open the door for you,” Lu Han says though he knows Sehun doesn’t need an explanation—at least not about that matter anyway.

 

The house is still empty just like when Lu Han last checked it five hours ago. There are no lights being lit, no sound to be heard and he wonders since when does it becomes so lifeless like this.

 

“Come on, kid, let’s get you inside.” Lu Han produces another grunt when he picks Sehun up by the arm. The boy stands limply from his seat, still sobbing a little when he leans his head on Lu Han’s shoulder.

 

The inside of the house is completely consumed by darkness and Lu Han won’t be able to see much if the moonlight doesn’t shine its way through the windows. The older man drops Sehun by the couch and the boy moans softly, lying down and burying his face on one of the cushions. Lu Han hurriedly goes to turn on the desk lamp that’s set on the nearest coffee table, wanting to fill the room with lights because it’s starting to freak him out a little.

 

A few years ago, Sehun’s house had always been Lu Han’s sanctuary when he was too fed up with college and he loved this place so much because it was so warm, homey, and constantly filled with smiles and laughter. Whenever he came around, Lu Han would see Sehun’s father, smiling at him, sometimes even gave him a high five and offered him to drink with him whenever he wasn’t busy. Then Sehun’s mother would scold him for asking Lu Han something like that, but she was never really angry. Lu Han could actually see the love and joy she had for her husband and son and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t jealous of the sight. She looked younger than her age and she was very beautiful, which was why Lu Han always made MILF jokes about her when he hung around Sehun. Sometimes, Sehun’s father would kiss his wife even when Lu Han was there and Sehun would complain with his hands scrambling to cover his eyes, screaming “Eew! Dad! I have a friend here!” And his mother would just return the gesture with a gentle kiss to her son’s cheek.

 

Lu Han never had a chance to feel the joy in having a family with his own parents. But he found his sanctuary in Sehun’s family.

 

But now everything seems dead. It’s so empty and quiet, and Lu Han can feel shivers running down his spine when he notices that what he witnesses in his memories will never happen in real life again.

 

“It’s all right,” Lu Han says, smiling though the curves of his lips feel too heavy to lift up. He totters his way back to the couch, sitting beside Sehun and moves the younger one’s legs to his laps. “Sehun-ah, can you hear me? Everything’s going to be all right.” He carefully takes off Sehun’s shoes, one by one. “You’re going to be happy again. We’re going to make this place feels like home again for you, okay?”

 

But Lu Han can’t even trust himself on that since he can perfectly tell the heavy lies in his voice. Home isn’t a place; it’s a feeling. And how do you fix something as vague as a feeling when it’s already shattered to pieces? Lu Han knows that he deals with this kind of trouble everyday but even then, he still has no clue on what to do.

 

There is silence and the house feels even colder with it. Sehun curls up his body, lying on his side and Lu Han can see him slowly opens his eyes.

 

Lu Han sighs, forcing himself to put up that assuring smile again. “Sehun—”

 

“Leave me alone,” the boy abruptly cuts him off.

 

Though he’s still startled a bit over his knives-like words, Lu Han is starting to get used to it. “I can’t. There’s nobody here. I won’t leave you when it’s—”

 

Sehun covers his ears with both hands, shutting his eyes tightly and screams “LEAVE!” until his own ears start to ring.

 

Lu Han opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He really has no idea about what to say in this situation. Reaching out a hand, he starts, “Sehun-ah, I understand that you feel upset—” The line curtly ends up with a gasp when Sehun suddenly brings one hand over his neck and slams him to the floor. His back hits the edge of the coffee table and Lu Han winces from the prickling pain that’s spread along his spine but he doesn’t groan it out loud. The table topples over, glass shattering through the night when it meets the cold linoleum floor.

 

“WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!” It’s the first time Sehun ever screams at him like this, grabbing Lu Han by the collar of his shirt and pins him down to the floor. He straddles him by the waist, eyes glowing with the sight of tears and Lu Han would’ve reached out and patted his head to calm him down if Sehun wasn’t strangling him right now. “You don’t know how I feel! You don’t know anything!”

 

And Lu Han lets him yell, he lets him shout, and he lets him do as he pleases. Sehun’s hold around his neck is tight enough to make Lu Han feel choked. The back of his head is also burning from the pain that grows after Sehun drove his skull down to meet the hard floor.

 

But Lu Han doesn’t do anything because Sehun looks like he’s about to lose himself to pain. To fear. To loneliness.

 

“She won’t come back,” Sehun sobs, partially loosening his grip on Lu Han’s collar when his tears finally run down his cheeks again. “She won’t come back, Hyung. I’ll never see her again.”

 

Sehun’s chest heaves up and down, and he looks so pale even in the darkness of the room. The lack of lighting makes him seem even younger, as if he’s just a little boy, crying over bad things in life that he shouldn’t have known about.

 

“Sehun,” Lu Han softly calls, propping himself up with his elbows and lifts a hand to touch him but Sehun already shuts him out and buries his face in his hands.

 

“Why does this have to happen to me?” he sobs softly, almost inaudible to Lu Han’s ears. “Why can’t people just stay for me?”

 

Lu Han wants him to stop speaking because every word that comes out from his lips damages his heart in a way that is hard to fix.

 

“Sehun…” The older man takes Sehun by the wrists, pulling them away to show the broken boy behind. “Hey, this will pass away. I know it hurts so badly right now, but it will go away soon. Just… be strong for now.”

 

Sehun looks like he’s calming down, but when Lu Han tries to wrap a comforting arm around his shoulder, Sehun breaks apart again.

 

And he really, really tears his heart out this time.

 

“MOM!” Sehun wails, clutching tightly to Lu Han’s shirt. His hands are shaking violently as he wheezes hard. “MOM! COME BACK—”

 

Lu Han almost falls back from the sudden action. “Sehun, what—”

 

“Mom—” Sehun’s voice breaks apart, kneeling in front of him with a hand grasping the front of his own chest. “Mother, I can’t do this without you—”

 

“Sehun,” Lu Han calls a little harder this time, but no matter how hard he tries, his voice can’t get through him. Sehun doesn’t stop screaming. “Sehun, I beg you, please calm down—”

 

But he keeps on screaming and crying until he starts choking on his own tears. Lu Han brings the boy to stand on his knees and Sehun sinks his fingernails to his own jeans.

 

“Mother,” he sobs hard, teeth gritting. “Mother, don’t leave me...”

 

And Lu Han just zips his mouth shut and gathers him in his arms. He can feel his own eyes start to sting but he ignores them and hugs Sehun even tighter.

 

“It’s alright, Sehun-ah, it’s going to be alright,” Lu Han says and he can hear his own voice breaking almost in the same way as Sehun’s though he knows it’s not the same. Lu Han sounds sad because he’s worried over his friend’s well being while Sehun sounds devastated because he just lost a big part of his life.

 

Losing his mother doesn’t feel like losing a member of family to Sehun. It feels like losing a limb.

 

“I can’t live,” Sehun chokes out breathlessly. “I can’t live without her—”

 

Lu Han’s forehead starts to crease and he pulls back to see the boy’s eyes become so empty. “Sehun…?”

 

“I have to…” Sehun breathes like he’s drowning. His eyes are just as dark as the night and they’re so hollow, it sends chills down Lu Han’s spine. “I need to—”

 

“Sehun!” Lu Han tries to shake him awake from whatever it is that makes him suffer. “Sehun-ah, wake up. This isn’t you.”

 

Sehun starts gasping hard, hands shivering like he’s freezing when he tries to push his Hyung away. “Mother…” His eyes are blank but they are wide-open. “Mother… I have to… save her…”

 

“What?” Lu Han’s eyebrows knit into a deep frown. “Sehun, there’s no one left to be saved—”

 

Sehun appears to have another mental breakdown. He presses his palms tightly to his ears. His eyes almost jump out of their sockets when he stares at the floor in horror.

 

“This is all my fault…” He starts wailing again. “I killed her...”

 

Lu Han’s posture goes rigid. He feels like a bucket of ice water just sloshed down his back. “What… did you say…?”

 

“I killed her,” Sehun repeats, looking even more horrified and haunted. “I killed her. I killed her! S-she was dead because of me—my mother—”

 

“Sehun, stop!” Though he doesn’t know anything about the situation, Lu Han decides to calm Sehun down as his top priority. He squeezes the younger boy’s upper arm, wanting to knock some senses through his head. “Sehun, I need you to stop thinking about anything right now and just focus on your breathing.”

 

But Sehun never listens to him. He starts screaming instead.

 

“Hey!” Lu Han is beginning to shout desperately when Sehun starts clawing down the floor, coughing violently until his entire body starts to shake. “Sehun, calm—”

 

Then Sehun vomits his insides.

 

There’s no way Sehun can breathe when he’s too choked up with his tears. He can’t stop coughing and he continues throwing up until acid comes from his stomach through his throat. The tears still haven’t stopped flowing nor does Lu Han’s panic inside his head.

 

No matter what Lu Han says, Sehun still won’t calm down. He continues screaming, and sobbing, and practically dying on the floor with a hand clutching to his own chest. His shoulders heave up and down and he continues coughing and sounding like he can’t breathe no matter what Lu Han does.

 

Eventually, things are getting so crazy that the only thing Lu Han can do is call an ambulance to pick him up.

 

When the paramedic arrives, Sehun continues wailing and kicking around until one of them has to inject a small amount of sedative into his skin. Lu Han witnesses all of this with watery eyes, but he’s not crying because of how much he feels sorry for the boy. He feels guilty. He feels disappointed with himself. He hates himself for not being there for Sehun for most of the times that he can’t tell what’s happening to him now.

 

Lu Han softly shushes him down, rubbing his hands around Sehun’s upper arms. “It will be alright, Sehun,” he whispers, voice breaking like a glass meeting the cold floor. “Just… Just wait and it’ll be better in time.”

 

“Mother,” Sehun whimpers, his eyelids starting to get heavy. “It hurts… so much...”

 

But that’s the thing with pain. Pain demands to be felt, and that’s how people are accustomed to. When it comes to you, it will never leave just like that. Not until you’re ready enough to accept it, learn from it, and let it go. But most people don’t know when. They’re not even sure whether they could ever be ready to do let the pain go, because pain and memories go hand-in-hand. If Sehun doesn’t want to learn how to forget or to move on from his bad memories, then the pain will stay for the rest of his life.

 

Sehun is not ready to accept the pain yet. But it’s okay, because Lu Han can take it from him. He’s here to help him forget.

 

“I’m sorry,” Lu Han says, squeezing Sehun’s hand before the boy finally loses his consciousness. “You’ll be all right. I swear on my life, I’ll take the pain away from you.”

 

Lu Han needs to stop promising things he still has no clue about.

 

***

 

“Hey,” Lu Han can hear his childhood friend’s voice from the other side of the phone. “Is everything okay? Did you find him?”

 

Lu Han still finds it a little bit hard to breathe even though he knows Sehun is lying there, sleeping peacefully on the bed on the other side of the wall. “Yeah,” he answers, voice still sounds a bit strained and hoarse. “I’m with him at the hospital right now.”

 

“Oh my God, did something happen?”

 

Life happens. And a lousy best friend on top of that.

 

“He’s just feeling unwell so I took him here,” he says instead.

 

“Oh…” She responds weakly, not really knowing what to say. “I hope he’ll get better soon.”

 

“Me too.” And then nothing more is being spoken. Lu Han’s tongue feels heavy in his mouth.

 

“W-well, take as long as you need, Oppa. I’ve taken her back to your place—nice apartment, by the way. We just ate dinner together. Everything’s going well.”

 

If Sehun weren’t there looking pale on his bed in the room behind him right now, Lu Han would’ve smiled from ear to ear. “I’m glad to hear that.” But the way he speaks his words feel so empty and his friend seems to notice that because she suddenly falls into an awkward silence.

 

God, Lu Han is starting to hate silences just as much as he hates snow.

 

“Do you want to speak with her?” she offers. “Cara’s here if you want to talk.”

 

“Cara?” Lu Han finally manages to squeeze out a low chuckle, though it sounds just a bit above despair. “Since when do you start calling her with that name too?”

 

“Oh, she asked me to call her that,” she answers matter-of-factly, voice light and happy.  “She said it felt weird to hear someone calling her by her actual name. She said something like she wanted to start thing over by wearing that name you gave—ouch, ouch, hey!” Then his dongsaeng suddenly breaks out into laugh. Her voice is muffled when she speaks to the person next to her. “Stop tickling me—what, should I not tell him that? But you said so! Yeah, you definitely did—oh come on, honey, I think he already knows you like him—ouch! Hey, stop poking me—”

 

Lu Han finally laughs, albeit still sounding too weak, when he hears murmurs of his name under Cara’s voice. He can imagine her blushing and just the thought of that makes his face grow hot as well. It’s really heartwarming to know that he means a lot to her too. After all this time, it seems like his effort isn’t going to waste just like that.

 

“Look, I’ll let you talk to him soon so stop tickling me, okay?” His friend says, a little bit unclear. A second after that, she brings back to the phone and Lu Han can hear her better this time. “Oppa? Still there?”

 

“Why would I go away?” he replies, smiling to himself. “Can you please put her on the phone for me?”

 

“I was about to ask you that. Oh you two lovebirds are going to be the death of me.” she says, chuckling a little. “Cara, here, he wants to speak with you. What do you mean you don’t want to—wait, are you blushing? Aaaaaw, look at you being all cute and girly. Now come on, Sister, your man isn’t going to wait all day—Hey! I said stop tickling—”

 

There’s a train of rustling sounds coming from the background (“What, now you want me to leave—Oh okay, fine! I’ll leave you two alone, but don’t you do phone behind me or I’ll—ouch! I give up! I give up! Get your fingers away from me!”) until Lu Han is faced with an awkward pause and then—

 

“L-Lu Han?”

 

“Cara,” he replies, his heart suddenly feels like he just finished a marathon. It was racing behind his ribcages but he doesn’t find himself complaining. “Are you alright? Did she treat you well?”

 

“Yes, I’m fine,” she says, voice sounds a bit shaky. “She’s—she’s really nice. She talks to me like we’ve been friends for years.”

 

Lu Han’s eyes soften. “Did she?”

 

“Yes… She speaks to me as if I’m not crazy—”

 

“You’re not crazy,” Lu Han firmly states and before she can state her protest out loud, he adds again, “You’re not crazy. Don’t ever think of yourself like that.”

 

There’s a pause and Lu Han imagines her to be smiling a little against her phone right now. “It feels good,” she says, “to be able to talk to someone without them looking at you with judging eyes.”

 

Lu Han blinks twice before he smiles to the phone too. “I know.”

 

A momentary pause, then,“How’s Sehun?”

 

“Sleeping,” Lu Han says, glancing at the pale skinny boy from the window. A female doctor is still taking her time checking the pace of his heartbeat from the pulse under his wrist but she looks relaxed now. That’s probably good news.

 

“He’s…” Lu Han his chapped lower lip. “Sehun’s not feeling well, but he’s okay for now, I guess.”

 

“Oh…” She exhales in relief. “Thank God.”

 

“Yeah but umm, I want to spend the night here, if that’s okay with you?” This is a hard decision to make but Lu Han knows that sacrifices have to be made. And he often says that he trusts her to take care of herself. This is the chance to prove it not only to her, but also to himself.

 

“Oh, o-of course,” she says, a little bit stunned from the sudden question. “Of course, you can, Lu Han. You don’t need to ask for my permission.”

 

Lu Han shows a timid smile. “It just feels right to ask first. I’ll ask her to keep you company there, so don’t worry. You won’t be alone.”

 

“N-no, you don’t have to—I’ll be fine on my own—”

 

“Cara,” Lu Han’s tone is definite and he won’t allow any objection. “If you want to help me, just please listen to what I say.”

 

She stays mute for a moment.

 

“Do I make myself clear?” he asks, and notices that his voice sounds a bit harsh just now. “Cara, I’m sorry but please, just say yes for me…”

 

“Yes,” she finally answers and Lu Han sighs in relief.

 

“Great, I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” He doesn’t hear her answer but he continues nonetheless. “Now can you put her back on the phone for me, please?”

 

“Okay.” And there’s silence but something feels weird. There’s no rustling sound in the background. Then her voice comes around again. “L-Lu Han?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Tell him stories,” Cara says and Lu Han’s heart jolts for some reason. “Tell him a story or two, like you used to do it for me.”

 

“Why…?”

 

“Because it helps… For both of you.” Because she knows that when Lu Han starts swimming in his storytelling, he’ll be able to forget his sadness, even though it’s just for a little while. Because she knows that sometimes people need to hear example, not to be scolded to create one. With stories, people can learn how to correct their mistakes or how to avoid them. With stories, people can be strong and stop trying to give up before they can reach the necessity they’ve been longing to own.

 

Just like how it worked on me, she wants to say but decides not to because tonight isn’t about her. It’s about Sehun and Lu Han should direct his attention towards him and him only. She already feels bad enough for hogging all of his attention for the last few weeks even though she didn’t ask for it on the first place.

 

Cara sounds firm before but when Lu Han doesn’t respond quickly, she awkwardly adds, “U-umm… Don’t forget to eat your dinner too and uhh, have a rest.”

 

Lu Han wants to laugh because she suddenly sounds so weird again but somehow in a good way. “Will do. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Good night, Cara.”

 

“Good… night,” she answers almost in a whisper and before he can ask her why she suddenly sounds so sad like that, the phone is being switched to another person. “Oppa? You said you wanted to talk to me?”

 

“Ah yeah, can you stay the night there? Take care of her for one night for me? I need to stay with Sehun today.”

 

“Sure, but you’ll have to let Baekhyun know that I’m spending the night with a girl and not with some man with hot sizzling .”

 

If Lu Han were in his brightest moods, he would’ve responded with “I didn’t know you thought of my that way.” But not today. “Okay, I’ll let him know.”

 

“Thanks. Take care, Lulu. You sound tired, get some sleep.”

 

“Yes, Ma’am.”

 

“I’m serious.” Then the line goes dead. Lu Han stares at it with a knowing smile. Even after all these years, she’s still so sassy and demanding. Put her on the same boat with Baekhyun, and they’ll form the Ultimate Sassy Alliance, he inwardly thinks.

 

Turning off his phone, Lu Han faces the dead silence of the hospital’s hallway on his own. It’s funny, he thinks, how Sehun’s screaming has ended a while ago but the fear and the agony still lie deep on his chest.

 

***

 

“He’s in terrible shock,” the female doctor explains when Lu Han stands up and asks about Sehun’s condition the second she exits his hospital room. “I had to give him a sedative to keep him calm and steady. I didn’t want him to hurt himself. I’m sorry.”

 

Lu Han feels like his heart is being trampled on behind his ribcages. So that’s why the screaming has ended so suddenly. “I understand. It was necessary.”

 

“And it appears that he was consuming alcohol on an empty stomach which, as you can see, caused rapid gastric emptying. The alcohol hit his bloodstream faster and in greater concentration, resulting in a state of terrible inebriation.”

 

Lu Han nods, biting his lower lip as he falls back to his seat. “He’d never drunk any alcohol before. I don’t know why he suddenly acted like this.”

 

“He’s just in a terrible state, I suppose,” she says, voice assuring though it doesn’t help much in Lu Han’s case. “People tend to find something to make them feel numb whenever they got too much too handle.”

 

“I guess,” Lu Han responds weakly before he throws her a small smile. “Thanks for your help, Doctor.”

 

“No problem.” She mirrors his smile. “You can wait inside if you want to. Just don’t wake him up. He still needs his sleep.” With a polite bow, she excuses herself and Lu Han is left sitting alone on the empty hallway. Somehow the situation feels familiar.

 

He turns his head around and sees Oh Sehun, lying motionlessly on his bed. If it weren’t for the small rise of his chest, Lu Han would’ve thought him to be dead from the world. The bruise on Sehun’s cheek appears even bolder this time and there are still lines of tears drying on the side of his face. He’s wearing an oxygen mask that fits over his face to help him breathe normally and Lu Han feels sick when he remembers that Cara used to stay in this same position about a month ago. That time, Lu Han blamed Sehun for it. And now, as he stared at the lanky boy trying to breathe for his life with help from a machine, Lu Han noticed that he doesn’t have anyone else to blame but himself.

 

Sighing and feeling slightly lightheaded, Lu Han enters the room and closes the door behind him.

 

“Hey there, kid,” Lu Han softly murmurs as he takes a seat on the chair beside the hospital bed. “Quite a night, huh?”

 

There’s no answer coming from Sehun’s lips and he should’ve expected that coming. Lu Han isn’t even sure whether he can hear him or not.

 

“You know, buddy,” Lu Han continues anyway, trying to keep his tone cheery because otherwise, he will probably start crying himself. “This isn’t fair. You can’t just suddenly drink alcohol without me, you know? You’re being rude to your hyung. At least invite me to the party, you jackass.”

 

Sehun still doesn’t budge.

 

“So your mother passed away, huh?” he asks, giving out a small, unemotional laugh. “Well, look at the bright side. No one will think you’re gay for me anymore. Isn’t that right, Sehunnie?”

 

Silence. And it’s killing him from the inside.

 

Lu Han’s small laugh ends in despair. With another long sigh, Lu Han pushes his own bangs out of his eyes and tries not to break apart.

 

“When did it start?” he asks, reaching out a hand to hold Sehun’s but gives up on his halfway there. The last time he tried to touch him, Sehun freaked out and Lu Han wouldn’t want that to happen again. “When did your mother get sick?”

 

Lu Han could hear the sounds of the raindrops prickling against the window outside.

 

“Maybe I should ask you whether she was really sick or not first.” The older man exhales heavily and rubs the side of his face with his fingers. “Was it an accident? What happened to her?”

 

Lu Han really wishes Sehun could answer him right now because he’s starting to be afraid over his own voice. There are so much pain and uncertainties in it; it scares him.

 

“Is this the reason why you used to call me in the middle of the night?” His voice recedes into a whisper but it’s almost as heavy as the storm outside. “Sehun-ah, answer me…”

 

The night has never been this cold before.

 

“Won’t you answer me? Please?” Lu Han begs, his vision starts to blur. “Sehun… Don’t make me feel like this, buddy, come on…”

 

But even then, even after his voice breaks and his fingers start to tremble, Sehun’s hand still lies cold and still underneath his.

 

“Oh God…” Lu Han says, palming the side of his face before he covers his eyes with it. “I’m sorry, Sehun. I’m sorry. I should’ve been there. I’m sorry for being so selfish and not…” His voice cracks at the end. “Sorry for not being there for you... I know how much you love her and I didn’t do—God, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

But what’s once broken, it will never be able to heal completely.

 

Lu Han just needs to get use to that.

 

After a moment, he blinks his tears away before they fall, sniffling and rubbing the tip of his red nose. “Well, now it’s just you and me again, Sehunnie… Just like the old days,” Lu Han wearily says, holding Sehun’s hand and lays his own head on the bed, never taking it off the cold sheets. “Brothers for life, right?”

 

All he asks now is to be forgiven and a chance to finally do something to fulfill his promise.

 

***

 

“Can I stay here for the night?”

 

The blue-eyed young woman blinked her eyes at her boyfriend’s sudden question but what really caught her gaze was the cut line along his right cheekbone. She opened her front door wider and took a step closer to Oh Sehun who was standing in front of her apartment with a bag slung over his shoulder.

 

She didn’t speak but she reached out a hand to caress the bruise on his skin. The cut was still fresh and red, so apparent on his ghostly pale skin but it wasn’t dripping blood. Maybe it had dried on his way here.

 

“Did she…?” She never finished her sentence but Sehun already nodded with a stormy gaze. She stared into his eyes and Sehun could see his horrible expression being reflected in her eyes. He looked like a mess, he knew he did, but his girlfriend tried to not make him feel that way.

 

She grabbed his hand and took him inside her apartment. Sehun wanted to calm down and just bathe himself in this place that was filled with her delicate scent. He wanted to just forget everything. But he couldn’t. Not when the new scar on his cheek still throbbed and hurt as much, if not worse now, as the time his mother sank her nails and dragged it across his skin.

 

He sat down on the couch when his girlfriend ran into the bathroom, taking soft cottons and disinfectant from the emergency aid kit. When she got back, she kneeled in front of him so they were eye level and cupped his face.

 

“If it hurts, tell me,” she said and Sehun didn’t respond much other than a blink of his eyes. She carefully dipped the cotton ball in the chemical and wetted it enough before she pressed it against Sehun’s cut. The boy winced, but didn’t utter his protest. He knew she was already being as gentle as she could.

 

“She didn’t recognize me again today,” Sehun said, looking at his lover’s face and tried to distract the emptiness in his heart by admiring her beautiful features: her sharp nose, cherry red lips, long eyelashes and white milky skin. She wasn’t wearing soft lenses today and his heart fluttered at the sight of her striking blue eyes. “And it got worse,” Sehun continued, “She kept yelling, ‘I want my son back! I want to see my son!’ and I was there but she couldn’t see me.”

 

The longhaired girl pressed a comforting hand against his while the other was still busy fixing his face. The small act did provide a sense of comfort to him but it wasn’t enough.

 

“So I told her,” Sehun continued and his girlfriend stopped moving to deeply gaze into his eyes. “I said, ‘Mom, I’m here. I’m here, can’t you see me?’”

 

She could see how his eyes started to grow watery so she threw the cotton balls away and cupped his face. “Sehun, look at me—”

 

But he didn’t. He looked away.

 

“Mother said, ‘you’re not my son. I don’t know who you are’,” Sehun gasped, his voice gets muffled when his lover wrapped her arms around the back of his head and brought him into her embrace. “She was looking at me but she said she didn’t know me. She didn’t recognize her own son!”

 

There was a jolt of pain shimmered in her eyes but she took a deep breath and leaned closer to him. “Calm down,” his girlfriend whispered to his ear, “Breathe, Sehun…”

 

But he was already weeping and he buried his face into the crook of her neck, hiding his tears behind the fabric of her maroon colored sweater. She embraced him back, wrapping her tiny arms around his broad shoulders and pressed soothing kisses against the side of his head.

 

“I—I tried to—” Sehun had to stop speaking to catch on his breath first. “Noona, I tried to talk to her—t-to tell her that she was looking for me. That I was her son and I was already there for her. But she—she suddenly got angry and pushed me away, s-screaming ‘don’t touch me! Don’t touch me! I don’t know you!’”

 

“Sehun…” His girlfriend stood on her knees and hugged him even tighter, his hair over and over again to ease him down. Her own fingers began to tremble and she bit her lower lip so she could contain her own emotions inside her chest. It was really frustrating to see your loved one looking so depressed like this when you couldn’t do anything about it.

 

“She slapped me,” Sehun sobbed, his fingers clutching tightly against the back of her sweater. “She clawed at my skin when I tried to get close to her. It was as if I did something horrible to her and she was—s-she was afraid of me—”

 

She closed her eyes, kissing his shoulders once and laid her chin there. She wanted to help him so badly, but how?

 

“Why would she be afraid of me?” Sehun pulled back, eyes searching hers as his voice grew even more hysterical than before. “Why was she afraid of me?!”

 

“I… I don’t know,” she said, feeling her vision start to blur too. “Sehun, I… I’m sorry.”

 

“This is not happening,” Sehun muttered breathlessly, raking his own fingers along his scalp. “This isn’t happening. I can’t do this anymore.”

 

“Yes, you can,” she said, taking his hands away from him and kissed his palm to calm him down. She knew she was crying herself and she tried to will the tears away. Sehun was already on his limit; she could see that, but…“Don’t lose your hope, Sehun.”

 

“It’s been a year!” He yelled and she flinched at the tone. “It’s been a year and she’s not getting any better! How am I supposed to—”

 

“Don’t give up,” she said, squeezing his wrists with her small, delicate fingers. “If you love her, don’t give up.”

 

“I do, I love her. I love her so much, Noona, but…” Sehun cried again; his bottom lip is trembling. “She’s forgotten about me. I don’t know how I can fix this, I—”

 

“She’ll remember you again.” Then she leaned close into his personal space until their lips met in a brief kiss.

 

Sehun had his eyes closed in reflex and when she pulled away, he still kept them closed. “What if she won’t?” he asked and his girlfriend pressed her forehead against his.

 

“She will,” she whispered, kissing the skin between his eyebrows. “She will, I promise.”

 

Sehun closed his mouth and tried to redeem his sobs until his shoulders started to shake.  His sobs became fainter after a few moments passed by but she kept the soft hairs on his nape for comfort.

 

“Don’t ever lose hope on her, Sehun,” she said, “I’ll be here and stay with you through all of this.”

 

He nodded, though it was weak, it really meant something.

 

“Let’s pray for her together, okay?” she said, smiling softly and Sehun nodded a couple of times. “Come here,” she gathered him back in her arms and kissed the side of his head. “I love you. You’ll always have me, Sehun. I’ll stay with you until the end so don’t you ever give up on her.”

 

“I won’t,” he sobbed, embracing her tightly. “I won’t, Noona. I won’t.”

 

***

 

Lu Han opens his eyes slowly when he notices the small movement of Sehun’s hand slipping away from his. The lights in the room are still off thus the man doesn’t need time to adjust his eyes to his surroundings. Seeing how there’s still moonlight coming through the ventilation of the room, Lu Han is certain that it’s probably still two or three hours away until the break of dawn.

 

“Sehun…?” Lu Han calls, still blinking his eyes from sleep as he watches the younger boy’s face contorts in a sorrowful expression. The Chinese man quickly takes Sehun’s oxygen mask off him and the boy’s jaw clenches in his sleep. His eyes are tightly shut as if they were forced to stay that way and muffled groans started crumbling from his lips.

 

“Sehun-ah,” Lu Han says, gently placing a hand on Sehun’s shoulder and starts shaking him awake. “Sehun, wake up, you’re having a nightmare.”

 

The boy finally opens his eyes with a jolt and his body suddenly freezes under Lu Han’s hand. “H-hyung…” He says, eyes searching Lu Han’s under the darkness of the room. The older man turns on the nearest desk lamp to make it easier for everyone to see.

 

“Hey,” Lu Han says, smiling wearily as he sits back on his stool. “How are you feeling?”

 

Sehun presses his lips together and tilts his face until his eyes are facing the ceiling. “Why am I in the hospital?” he asks.

 

“Because you were freaking out and I didn’t know what to do,” he sighs, staring at the side of Sehun’s face with tired eyes but still finding a little joy when he sees that at least he can talk to Sehun properly now. “Are you feeling alright?”

 

“No,” Sehun says. “I feel like my head is trying to split open and I can barely lift my hand.”

 

“The doctor gave you a sedative few hours ago,” Lu Han explains. “That explains why you’re numb.”

 

“Numb?” Sehun asks, sounding like he’s ripped apart inside. “I wish I were, Hyung. I wish I could just… stop feeling anything.”

 

Lu Han knows well what he means. That’s why he keeps his mouth shut for a few moments.

 

“But then what you’ll become?” Lu Han eventually asks, laying his hands on the edge of the bed. “Feeling something is what makes us alive and human.”

 

“Then I wish I were dead,” Sehun says and Lu Han suddenly feels scared just like when the first snow falls to the ground because he can actually feel like it’s the truth. Sehun sounds like he really means his words. As if he was saying a promise instead of a sentence that was formed out of frustration.

 

Lu Han stays in silence, befriending it for now even though he despises it to his bones. The older man just rises from his seat, takes a glass of fresh water from the coffee table and offers it to the pale boy with bruises forming on his cheek. Sehun refuses it not with a wave of his hand or a shake of his head, but with another silence and eyes staring dead to the window across the room.

 

Wrapping his fingers around the glass, Lu Han sits back on his stool and stares at the water that seems to move whenever he inhales enough amount of air to keep him alive.

 

Tell him stories.

 

“You know, when I was younger, my friend’s mother died,” Lu Han softly speaks, “I was with her at her mother’s funeral and for the first time ever, I could see that people who used to shine with the brightest eyes and widest smiles could become so empty in a matter of seconds.” He presses a palm to his own thundering heartbeat behind his chest before he reaches out to squeeze Sehun’s cold hand. “Death isn’t something you can ever accept with open arms, Sehunnie. We all know that. But it will always come to you. Maybe tomorrow, your long time no see childhood friend is going to die. Maybe on the next two days, there will be a charity concert to honor that one student in your class who died from leukemia. We’ll never know.”

 

Sehun sinks down into his pillow, feeling his vision starts to haze and he closes his eyes before the tears threaten him to fall. “I knew my mother was going to die, Hyung. It was just a matter of time.”

 

You told me to have hope! You told me to stay positive when you know everything was going to turn out this way!

 

Lu Han remembers well the words Sehun had screamed to his girlfriend and it saddens him to know that right at this moment, there’s really no flicker of hope in his heart. It’s dead; the candles have burned out and Lu Han’s just trying really hard to find a way to light it up again.

 

“But we can never be prepared for it, can we?” Lu Han asks, tapping one finger to the side of the glass. “You see, I used to ask my mother once about this. About how we are supposed to handle ourselves when our loved ones die. Do you know what kind of answer she gave me?”

 

Sehun doesn’t respond with words but he keeps his ears ready.

 

“Nothing,” Lu Han says, chuckling a little. “She could’ve lied to me and told me some assuring bulls but she didn’t. She just said, ‘Nothing, Lu Han. There’s nothing you can do. You just need to take in the pain, cry it out, and do that over and over again until you find yourself strong enough to climb back to your feet again.’”

 

Sehun unconsciously grits his teeth, trying hard not to start crying violently again.

 

“I was really young,” Lu Han continues with his story, “I was just a kid when she gave me that kind of answer, so of course I was afraid. I still am. Years after that, I saw my mother at my father’s funeral and I could still vividly remember how she was just… broke apart right there.” He closes his eyes so he won’t cringe at the memory of his mother enduring a mental breakdown in front of his father’s tombstone. “She cried, she screamed at me, she tried to shove me away when I tried to comfort her. She blamed me for things. It was…” Lu Han exhaled heavily. “It was heartbreaking.”

 

“W-why…?” Sehun stutters, the tip of his nose starts to go red. “Why are you telling me this…?”

 

Lu Han raises his head and fixes a startled glance at the younger one. “I… I don’t know,” he admits, looking lost as he carefully places down the glass he’s been holding to the table on his side. “I just… I probably want you to know that you’re not the only one out there who feels this way. People die, families get sad but our lives won’t just stop because of that. We shouldn’t stop moving just because they’re not here to walk beside us anymore.”

 

“Stop…” The boy raises his hands to his ears, covering them like a child as he shuts his eyes tightly. “You’re only making it worse—”

 

Lu Han deeply worries over the fact that Sehun might have another panic attack again so he stands up and gently pries Sehun’s hand away by placing his fingers along his wrists.

 

“Hey,” Lu Han says, eyebrows knitting in concern. Sehun tries to bring his face away to look at anywhere but his face. “Sehun, I’m not trying to scare you—I’m sorry if I sounded insensitive but… I just want you to know that you will be all right. Time will heal everything. This is the worst part yes, but soon you’ll feel better.”

 

“Let me go,” the boy pleads. His arms are still weak under Lu Han’s hold.

 

When Lu Han does as he says, Sehun turns around, giving the older man the sight of his back as he bites his quivering lip.

 

“I thought my mother was going to kill herself, you know,” Lu Han says, falling back to his seat and his shoulders slump forward. “When my father died, she—she was going absolutely crazy. I thought everything was over then but she got better eventually. She said his husband wouldn’t have wanted her to throw her life away—or throwing mine for that matter. She said she’d get better for me. And she did.” There’s a pause that stays long enough for Lu Han to hear Sehun’s small whimpering. “I’m sure you’ll be able too, Sehun-ah. I’ll be here to help you get through this. You’re not alone, I promise.”

 

When he opens his eyes, Sehun can feel the wetness of his tears start to roll down to the sheet of his pillow. “H-how long…” Lu Han can see his shoulders shake when he asks the question. “How long is it going take…?”

 

“For you to feel the pain?” Lu Han asks. He can lie, of course. He can assure Sehun by telling common lies such as ‘It will pass away in the morning’ or ‘You’ll be just fine tomorrow’ but no. Sehun deserves to hear the truth and it’s always been Lu Han’s job to provide it.

 

“I don’t know, Sehun-ah…” Lu Han answers with heavy heart. “I… don’t know. It’s all up to you.”

 

Sehun’s body starts to curl into ball. His knees are lifted up to his stomach while the boy crosses his arms around his chest, hugging himself so tightly until he feels his fingernails clawing into his own skin.

 

“I want it to be gone now,” Sehun sobs, his voice is filled with trembles. “I want to feel numb again…”

 

It hurts him, of course it hurts Lu Han to see his friend behaving this way, but there’s really nothing he can do. The only way Sehun can get better is by doing it himself. He just has to find his own way to stand up again.

 

So Lu Han lets his friend cry himself back to sleep that night, but he never leaves. He just lets his presence known by reaching out a hand to pat Sehun’s weak shoulder, or maybe even just by the sound of his soft breath and nothing else. Because sometimes, it doesn’t take a word to comfort someone.

 

Sehun falls asleep with tears lining down his cheek but his heartbeat is steady. Somehow, he feels less alone this time and less is what he needs.

 

***

Hi! I'm baaaaack :D so sorry for the late update. I couldn't find the time to write, so... And to be honest, this is such a depressing chapter, won't you agree? I've had so many troubles in trying to write so many angsty moments in one chapter. Writing this one was so much harder than writing Baek's story and dude, let me tell you, I didn't mean for Sehunnie to go through such depressing s like this, but well, I couldn't have it any other way. I was listening to this song when I wrote this and it's probably the reason why I wrote so many sad moments in this chapter.

Well, I still hope you enjoy reading this anyway! hahaha :D