Alteration

Unnerving (The Marriage Life of Mr. Byun: Lu Han's Side Story)

ALTERATION

 

It’s a little after midday when Lu Han drops Cara on the foster house she used to visit back in her college days. It’s funny how Cara doesn’t ask about how he knows the place so well and Lu Han thinks that maybe she has already found out that he used to stalk her back then.

 

The ride here was spent in another silence but it wasn’t awkward. It was somehow comforting. Lu Han kept playing with her fingers as they held hand at the backseat of the cab. She appeared to be a little less tense being outside of his apartment, even though she kept on clutching a little too tightly to Lu Han’s hand whenever the male bus driver decided to turn his head around to see them for a few seconds just to throw a friendly smile or ask which route they prefer to take. She’s still nervous being around men that are not Lu Han but she always tries her best to keep her posture strong. Lu Han admires her for that.

 

When they arrive at the place, Cara still unconsciously hides behind Lu Han’s back and holds tight to the back of his shirt. Whenever there’s a sudden movement around her, she would flinch and jump a little on her feet.

 

“Hey, it’s all right,” Lu Han says, holding her hand and lacing their fingers back together. “You’re safe. I’m not gonna let anyone hurt you, okay?”

 

She nods, trying to convince him that she’s not scared so he’ll decide to trust her and leave her here to go check up on Sehun. Lu Han can witness the determination in her eyes, but he also knows that her fear won’t just disappear that easily. She’s still not used to be around so many people and Lu Han almost decides to get her back to his apartment and cancel the whole thing.

 

“I will be fine,” she says as if she can read his mind. “I’ll be all right, Lu Han. Don’t worry about me. We’ve agreed on this, haven’t we?”

 

Lu Han smiles because she sounds like she’s trying to convince herself rather than him, but that’s okay. It already takes a lot of effort just to say those words. “Okay,” he says, patting her head. “Calm down, I believe you.”

 

“Good morning, Sir. How may I help you?” One of the staffs asks and Lu Han doesn’t recognize her face. It has been almost four years since he last stepped his feet on this place.

 

“Yes, uhh…” Lu Han tries to think the right words to say as he faces the female staff with a round face and narrowed eyes. “She’s—”

 

But then a little girl shows up, walking through the back door and saying something about crayons to the staff before she looks around and notices that she has company. The little girl, perhaps not older than seven or eight years old, opens and points her finger at Cara’s direction, shouting, “Ah! Unnie! You’re here!”

 

Cara stumbles on her feet and Lu Han wraps a hand around her waist in reflex. She looks surprised for a few seconds but then her eyes light up in a way Lu Han has never seen before.

 

“Mi…” Cara whispers. Her eyes are dazed as she clutches one hand to her chest. “Miinah…”

 

Lu Han steadies her and stands beside her without a word, patiently waiting for her next movement. Cara looks so lost, but at the same time, she also appears like she just found something she’s been waiting for.

 

“Unnie!” The little girl—Miinah—shouts again, starting to run to where Lu Han and Cara are standing. “Unnie, you came back!”

 

Cara drops down to her knees when the little girl jumps at her. There’s a squeal and Miinah wraps her short limbs around Cara’s neck. “Unnie, you’re here! I missed you so much!”

 

Lu Han looks at the two hugging figure with unblinking eyes. The little girl is giggling, hugging Cara so tightly to the point Lu Han starts to worry because Cara is a lot more fragile than she used to be—both physically and mentally.

 

It takes a few seconds before Cara can embrace her back. Her hands are a bit shaky as she circles them around the kid’s waist. When she finally hugs her properly, there’s a small whimper coming out from between her lips. She closes her eyes and Lu Han can see tears rolling down to her cheek. But her face isn’t contorted in pain or fear, but pure bliss and happiness.

 

Miinah…” Cara whispers between her sobs, burying her face in the crook of the little girl’s neck. “Oh Miinah, you’ve grown so much...”

 

Lu Han smiles fondly at the sight because Cara smiles in the way that is different with the smile she usually directs to him. It’s not that it’s better or anything. It’s just that Lu Han can sense this feeling of longing, and pure joy and love like a mother’s affection for her long-lost child.

 

“Unnie, where have you been?” Miinah asks when she breaks away from the hug, but keeping her arms still on Cara’s shoulders. “We’ve been waiting for you for like, forever! No one could read stories like you. We really missed you!”

 

“I’m sorry,” the older one says, smiling although her eyes won’t stop watering. Then she pulls the little girl back to her arms and cries to her shoulder, biting her lip to muffle her sobs but it’s still obvious.

 

“Unnie?” Miinah questions, trying to pull away so she can look at Cara’s face but the older one doesn’t let her. “Unnie, why are you crying?”

 

Cara hugs her tighter and chuckles a little between her sobs. “I’m just so happy to see you again.”

 

Lu Han witnesses the whole thing with soft eyes and he feels his heart broken but somehow not in a bad way.

 

“Sir?” the female staff calls, waiting for an explanation and Lu Han blinks awake.

 

“Oh yeah, umm,” Lu Han clears his throat, trying to look away from Cara when a bunch of kids start to surround her with grins and smiles on their faces. Shouts of joy such as “Guys, she’s back!” and “Ah, Unnie! You’re finally here!” start to fill the room and all of a sudden, Cara is being hugged by so many children in the same time.

 

Lu Han laughs at the sight before he explains to the staff. “She used to work here a few years ago. She used to play with the kids, and I’m wondering whether it’s okay if she stays here for the day and play with them again?”

 

“Oh, sure,” the staff replies with a polite smile. “I don’t recognize her because I just started working here since a few weeks ago, but I’m sure the rest of the staff here know her. I mean, the children seem to love her.”

 

Lu Han takes another glance to the girl that’s been stealing his heart since years ago. “Yeah, well,” he says, smiling. “People must be crazy if they don’t love her.” It’s until Lu Han looks back to the female staff with a knowing look on her face that he’s being too obvious about his feelings for Cara. The young female staff has a wicked smile on her face.

 

“So,” Lu Han clears his throat before he awkwardly continues, “Can she, uhh, stay here for the day?”

 

“Oh yes,” she says, smiling. “That’d be fine. We’re currently having a little bit of problem because most of the staffs here are away for their holidays. It’d be great if we have someone to help us taking care of the kids.”

 

“Oh,” Lu Han breathes out in relief. “That’s great.”

 

“Would you like to stay too, Sir?”

 

“I, uhh…” Lu Han looks back to Cara with that uncertain gaze but the moment she sees her laughing together with the kids, he makes his decision. “No. I have to go somewhere. I’ll just pick her up later today, if that’s okay with you.”

 

“It’s perfectly fine, Sir.”

 

“Thank you,” Lu Han smiles, bowing his head a little. “And please make sure she’s okay until I get here.”

 

The staff frowns a little bit over his words but she doesn’t ask for more explanation. “Of course, Sir.”

 

“Thank you,” Lu Han says again. “Thank you so much.”

 

After making another polite bow toward the staff, Lu Han moves his feet to join the group of kids that are surrounding Cara like ants. “Whoa, whoa, hey,” Lu Han says, swimming his way through the excited children, “Can you little dwarves give me some privacy so I can kiss my princess goodbye?”

 

Some kids laugh while pointing their fingers to his face, “You’re not a prince! You’re old!”

 

And Lu Han fakes a scowl, putting his hands on his hips. “I am not old!” When he pretends to attack them, the little kids scramble away with laughter, screaming, “Old prince! Old prince! You won’t be able to catch us because you’re old!”

 

“Kids,” Lu Han mutters, shaking his head in amusement when he finally gets his time alone with Cara. Well not exactly alone, since the female staff is still looking at him but when Lu Han throws her a look, she puts on that knowing smile again and disappears behind the green colored door.

 

Cara still sobs a little but her smile keeps curving up in this never-ending smile and Lu Han wants to steal it away with his lips.

 

“You big baby,” Lu Han comments teasingly as he gently reaches out his hand and wipes her tears away with his thumb.

 

Cara produces this small, shy laugh that feels like music to his ears. “There are some faces I don’t recognize,” she speaks, “But they’re already so friendly with me. I haven’t been this… happy for a while.”

 

“I’ve noticed,” he says, smiling adoringly at her. “They make you so happy that I’m starting to get jealous of them.”

 

She freezes for a second before she looks up and displays a timid smile, tucking her hair shyly behind her ear.  “You know this is all because of you, Lu Han.”

 

“I barely do anything, really,” he replies, shrugging casually but she shakes her head.

 

“It’s you… It’s always been you,” she whispers and if Lu Han were standing just a step away from her, he wouldn’t have been able to hear her. “You’re always making me happy and I just… I just hope that I’ll be able to make you feel the same way someday.”

 

But the thing is, she already makes him feel that way. So successfully so. With that shy, beautiful little glance she offers him every now and then. With those feelings that—even though aren’t spoken by words—are written clearly in her eyes. Lu Han doesn’t understand much about love, he admits, but maybe love is that little flutter in his heart that makes him so happy when he knows she’s happy.

 

Ignoring the loud, thundering heartbeat behind his ribcages, Lu Han gently places his fingers under her chin and tilts her face up. “Then smile like that for me sometimes, will you? Smile for me like I’m the one who makes you feel that way. Show me how you feel.”

 

Cara is startled with the tenderness in his voice and how his eyes make his words seem more as a genuine and innocent wish rather than just another trick of him to get her attention.

 

She remembers him. Of everything that he’s done. Of every word that he’s said. Of every smile that he’s shared with her. If she could, she would’ve given him a smile bigger than the one she gave to the kids because that’s what he deserves. But she doesn’t know how, because with him standing so close to her like this; with his eyes on hers as if they’re meant to be like that forever is just too overwhelming for her. In her entire life, she’s never felt this much warmth in her chest.

 

So she smiles, and although it isn’t perfect, it’s the best one she could offer. Because it’s hard to do anything else when you have to remind yourself how to breathe on the first place.

 

“Thank you,” she says, “Thank you for making me feel so alive.”

 

When Lu Han sees it, his lips part to form a word but he can’t find his voice.

 

“I, uhh…” He loudly clears his throat, breaking his gaze away from hers. “Y-you’ll be safe, right?”

 

She awkwardly nods. Seeing how flustered Lu Han is makes her uncomfortable and nervous. Her cheeks are glowing in red when she looks down to her feet. “U-umm… Yes.”

 

“Then I’ll be going now,” Lu Han says, and because he sees how stiff she has become, he decides to play another joke to break the ice. “But really,” he says, putting on an awkward smirk on his face, “Can I kiss my princess goodbye?”

 

She actually looks nervous and she starts panicking over the things she should say. The blush on her cheeks is apparent and Lu Han wants them to stay because she looks even more beautiful that way—if that’s even possible.

 

“No matter how many times I’ve done that, you keep fidgeting in the same way,” Lu Han adds, chuckling a bit although he was really hoping for that kiss. Even just a little peck on his cheek would’ve been awesome. “So, yeah, I’m leaving. Take care, Cara. I’ll try to get back here as soon as I can.”

 

“T-take your time,” she replies, still fumbling with her words. “You need to spend more time with him…”

 

“Eager to get rid of me so soon?” Lu Han tempts and she looks shocked.

 

“Th-that’s not—” she tries to correct him but Lu Han is laughing at her. The man playfully ruffles her hair, telling her that he was just joking around like always.

 

She’s only left in silence, looking down at her feet, not even brave enough to face him directly.

 

“Well, I’ll be going now. Bye, Cara.”

 

And she hates herself for letting him walk away without really doing anything to at least, make him happy. She didn’t even get to smile at him. It’s clear that Lu Han is disappointed, though he won’t admit that out loud.

 

Before he’s completely out of reach, though, Cara steps up and calls him with a tremble in her voice. “Lu—Lu Han…”

 

The man turns around, humming. “Hmm?”

 

Biting her lip, she splays her palm against her chest to calm her breathing before she finally gains courage and reaches up her hand to touch the side of his face. Lu Han almost purrs and leans deeper into her touch like a spoiled kitten.

 

“What is it?” he asks, basking in the sensation of her skin meeting his.

 

“Take care of Sehun,” she says, and was it just his imagination or did she actually let her eyes linger on his lips just for a second there?

 

Lu Han just nods in return. Then shyly, Cara stands on her toes and presses a small warm kiss on his cheek—almost reaching his lips but maybe that’s just his imagination and Lu Han doesn’t want to get his hopes up too much. And with no other words being spoken after that, she drags her feet toward the room where the children are waiting for her to read a story for them.

 

Time seems to slow down for the Chinese man, but his heart races twice as its normal speed.

 

Love, Lu Han supposes, is a twisted little thing. He had never thought a simple kiss would trigger his heart to beat this way; how a glimpse of the warmth of her lips could make him speechless. But it did. And Lu Han wants to kiss her longer, not because he wants to do it out of lust, but because he wants to make her feel the same way. He wants her to feel those small butterflies fluttering in the pit of his stomach. He wants her to smile so widely until her cheekbones start to hurt. He wants her to jump on her feet and look at him with so much joy in her eyes because that’s just how much he loves her.

 

But he doesn’t pull her and kiss her back. Not yet, because he’s still not sure how she really feels about him.

 

Lu Han even starts to wonder.

 

After being ripped apart by people who claimed to love her, will she ever be able to love again?

 

***

 

Lu Han has been trying to call Sehun over and over again, but that boy cannot be reached. He never picks up, and Lu Han has left more than five voicemails and eleven text messages in his phone asking for his whereabouts. And still, no reply.

 

He’s tried going to Sehun’s family house, only to find that there was no one inside. Lu Han has also gone to Sehun’s college, going from building to building asking for his name. He met this guy named Kim Jongdae, and after being forced to talk about how the dude was the Chenching Machine—whatever that was—in campus, Lu Han was informed that Sehun hasn’t gone to his classes for almost a week. Becoming even more worried, Lu Han decided to step into Oh’s Bubble Tea shop and still couldn’t find him. When he asked one of the workers there, they said Sehun hasn’t come there in a while too. Lu Han starts becoming more frustrated than ever when he realizes he has no other place to search for him.

 

He tightens his dark coat around his body and warms his hands by blowing his hot breath on them. “Where are you, Sehun-ah?” he asks the air, clicking his tongue impatiently as he strolls down the street of Seoul. “Please, just let me see you…”

 

Oppa!

 

The voice is familiar enough to make Lu Han turns around to find the source of it, but the seconds he sees the owner of that girly voice, he gets slapped hard across the face.

 

!” Lu Han curses loudly as he palms his burning cheek. “What the hell was that fo—” This time, he gets cut off by a bone-wrenching hug.

 

“You idiot!” She sobs to the crook of his neck, crying like a child in his arms. “Lulu, you big idiot!”

 

Lu Han is struck frozen for a few moments before he lets out this soft chuckle and he embraces her back, wrapping his arms around her waist. “Hello, little dongsaeng.”

 

She continues wailing and telling him how stupid he is for almost a minute until she pushes him off her and glares at him with red, puffy eyes. “Where the hell have you been?!” She demands, throwing small punches on his stomach. “You said we were gonna meet up in a few weeks, but you hung me up for months!”

 

The sight of his childhood friend, puffing her cheeks in anger like that, warms his heart in a way no one could. He just realized how much he misses her when he sees her in person like this.

 

“I’m sorry,” Lu Han says, reaching out a hand to pat her head but she slaps it away. “Come on, Kiddo. I was busy that I forgot to call you back. Forgive me?”

 

Forgive you?!” she repeats, scowling harder. “You can’t expect me to forgive me you just like that, you selfish ! If you forgot to call me back, okay, fine, I completely understand even if that was a lame excuse. But to reject my calls? To not reply my e-mails? To not even allowing me to have ten minutes of your time so I can speak to my best friend and tell him how much I freaking miss him? That is unforgivable.”

 

Lu Han throws out a small laugh, although deep down he’s still worrying over so many things. Sehun is on top of his priority list. “What do you want me to do then, Kiddo?”

 

“Hug me and tell me you’ve missed me too,” she says with puffy cheeks and Lu Han thinks that he would’ve hugged her even when she didn’t tell him to.

 

“Then come here,” he says, opening his arms and she giggles as she jumps in and wraps her arms around him. “I missed you too, Kiddo. So, so much,” he admits as he buries his nose to the crook of her neck. “I’m sorry for ignoring you. I really am.”

 

“You’re such a ,” she says back, “Grab an early dinner with me, please? We have so much catching up to do.”

 

“I can’t,” he sadly answers, and she pulls away from the hug with a pout. “There’s something I have to do.”

 

“But, Oppa~” She says, jutting out her lower lip without her noticing. “I want to spend some quality time together with you.”

 

“I know, me too.” He smiles fondly at her and pulls her toward him by the hand so he can embrace her again. “I really missed you,” he says, whispering to her hair. And the tone of his voice startles him because he just sounded so brokenhearted. “I’ve missed you so much.

 

She hugs him back but she can’t stop the frown from appearing on her face. “Oppa? Are you okay?”

 

Lu Han doesn’t answer with words, he just weakly shakes his head.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks, pulling away from his arms, just a little so she can press her temple against his.

 

“I can’t, Dongsaeng,” Lu Han says, sighing. “I don’t have time to talk. I need to find someone and fix everything up.”

 

“Oh…” she gazes understandingly as she calms him down with gentle fingers tracing his cheekbones. “You’re so thin now, Lulu.”

 

Lu Han sadly smiles. “I may have skipped a few meals lately.”

 

She mirrors the pain in his eyes and he curses in his head because he’s making another person worry about his well-being. “You said you’re looking for someone, right?”

 

“Yeah. Sehun,” he answers and when she frowns, he adds, “That boy who owns the bubble tea shop.”

 

“The one that we stole the bike from?” she asks and Lu Han almost laughs because she remembers that crazy incident. “What’s wrong now? Did you steal something from him again?”

 

“No, it’s…” Lu Han contemplates his choice of words. “I wish it was that simple, Kiddo. But no, I… I can’t—I just have to go and see him before it gets worse.”

 

“You know, I can’t understand what you’re talking about if you keep speaking to me while keeping secrets too, Oppa,” she says and hurriedly adds another line before Lu Han can protest. “Yes, yes, I know you don’t have time to explain. Will you at least let me walk together with you until we can find him?”

 

Well that’s not actually a bad idea. “Fine, okay,” Lu Han says, “But we need to move fast. I don’t have all day. And if you find someone with rainbow hair on his head, you let me know.”

 

She furrows her eyebrows in confusion but she ignores it away and grins like a child as she walks beside him. “Ah, finally I get to spend some time with you. Thanks for avoiding me for months, .”

 

“I said I’m sorry, what else do you want?” Lu Han retorts, ruffling her hair and she still pouts over it even though she’s over 25 by now. “How’s Baekhyun?”

 

“Handsome,” she says and Lu Han gives him a judging look. “What, I can’t call my own husband handsome? He’s fine. He misses you too, but don’t tell him I told you that.”

 

Lu Han laughs a little. “And how’s Chanyeol?”

 

“I don’t really know,” she answers, looking a bit uncertain. “He seems to be happy with his wife, but I feel like there’s something they’re hiding.”

 

Seems like everyone has secrets now, Lu Han mutters in his mind.

 

She notices the different, stern look on his face so she tries to ease the tension away. Bumping her shoulder playfully with his, she comments, “I can’t believe you’re here in Seoul again, Oppa.”

 

“I can’t believe it too,” he responds, checking his phone one more time to see if Sehun has replied his messages. None. “There’s a lot of things I still can’t believe, but well, that’s life. It’s filled with secrets and ty craps and unrequited loves.”

 

“What?” she snorts, almost laughing. “Are you referring to your unrequited love with your algebra girl?”

 

“Cara,” Lu Han corrects her with a boyish smile. “I call her Cara now.”

 

“Yeah, okay, whatever,” she says. “So how is she?”

 

“To put it short, she’s fine,” he says, leaving out so many details. “We’ve been living together for a while now.”

 

“WHAT?!” She screeches and Lu Han winces from the sudden shout to his ear. “You’re living together with her?! How could that happen?”

 

“Ah, long story,” he says, pressing Sehun’s numbers again and presses the dial button before he brings his phone to his ear. “It’s filled with drama and depressing s. You’ll love it.”

 

“Wha—” she gapes, still looking at him with wide disbelieving eyes. “Yah! You can’t just said that to me and then not telling me anything about it!”

 

“You’re too young to understand,” Lu Han simply answers and when she’s about to growl at him again he holds up a hand before his phone line is connected. “Sehun-ah?”

 

A silence, then “…Hyung?”

 

“Oh thank God!” Lu Han exclaims loudly, almost breaking down right there on the street. The entire casual demeanor he’s been trying to put up in front of his childhood friend breaks apart right there. He’s never been this happy and relieved to hear Sehun’s voice again. “Sehun, where are you? I’ve been trying to reach you for—”

 

I thought you said you wanted me to leave you alone, Hyung.

 

Lu Han’s heart nearly stops. “Se-Sehun?” Lu Han can’t ignore this eerie feeling swirling in his chest. “Sehun, come on, I wasn’t serious. I’m… I’m sorry.”

 

Another silence and maybe he hears Sehun sighing a bit after that but somehow it sounds a little bit more like a sob.

 

It’s fine now, Hyung… I… I don’t care.”

 

Lu Han stops walking. He gulps a little and his tongue feels heavy in his mouth. Sehun sounds really weird but he doesn’t know what’s wrong here. “Sehun-ah, are you okay?”

 

No, Hyung—I…” A sob. That’s definitely a sob. “I screwed up.”

 

“Sehun-ah,” Lu Han can hear himself panicking. “Sehun-ah, where are you? Let me—”

 

“She’s gone, Hyung….” Sehun’s voice is breaking and he’s crying so hard that Lu Han can’t hear most of the things he’s saying. “Everything is over.”

 

“What? Who?” Lu Han gapes, because no matter whom that person is, they managed to make Sehun sound like he’s on the verge of dying. “Sehun-ah, please just—”

 

I can’t… It’s my fault and I—” Sehun wheezes, sniffling hard. “Hyung, I can’t think… It hurts… Everything hurts…”

 

“Sehun, tell me where you are,” Lu Han tries again, firmer this time. Panic won’t take him anywhere so he tries to keep himself calm and steady. “Just tell me where so I can see you.”

 

All Lu Han can hear in return is just a train of broken sobs and choked breaths. “Sehun, please!” He becomes desperate since he’s never heard Sehun being like this. Fear starts to rise in his chest. “Tell me what’s wrong with you. Let me help you, please!”

 

“Just leave me alone.”

 

And the line is disconnected.

 

Lu Han stops breathing for a second there. He just stares at his phone with dead, empty eyes and feels like someone is stabbing him on the chest.

 

“Oppa?” his childhood friend softly calls, bringing a tentative touch on his wrist. “Hey, are you okay?”

 

“Something is wrong with him,” Lu Han mumbles so quietly, that it seems like he’s talking more to himself than to anyone. “Something is definitely wrong with Sehun and I’m here doing nothing to help him. I don’t even know anything about what’s happening to him.”

 

“H-hey, calm down,” she says, squeezing his hand to help him keep himself together.

 

“This is all my fault,” Lu Han says, breathing heavily. “He tried to tell me something but I never listened. I was too selfish and too busy deluding myself with my own problems that I just stopped listening to him. I—”

 

“Hey!” She cups his cheeks and forces him to face her in the eyes. “Calm down and think this through. This is not your fault.”

 

“No—” He shakes his head, reeling in the pain at the back of his skull. “This is my fault. I should’ve been there—If I wasn’t so selfish, I—”

 

“People are selfish in nature,” she continues, and Lu Han finally moves his eyes to meet hers. “It’s okay to think about yourself first over anyone else. I’ve known you for my whole life, and I know well that you have sacrificed most of your times trying to make everyone happy. So is it so wrong to want some time for yourself?”

 

“But…” Lu Han looks unfocused and lost. “But I’m throwing people away in the process.”

 

“Well that’s the risk you have to bear.” She lets him go and stares deeply into his eyes. “We can’t always have both. It’s not possible to make everyone happy at the same time. That’s not how life works. Everyone has their own problems, and I think you’re crazy if you think you can help everybody.”

 

“No, you don’t understand,” Lu Han says, voice breaking. “I blamed him for the things he didn’t do. I was frustrated and stupid that I started yelling at him for the things that were probably caused by myself.”

 

“That’s what people do,” she replies softly. “Sometimes we’re too scared to admit our own fault that we start blaming others for it.”

 

“I screwed things up.” Lu Han voices out, swimming in anxiety and desperation. “I was too busy trying to fix her that I’m hurting him along the way and I—”

 

“I don’t care. I know you,” she says, placing her hands on his shoulders. “You’re the greatest person I know. You’re loyal and you’re kind. If you really think that this is your fault, then go try to fix it. Stop panicking and keep your mind straight. Don’t waste your time thinking about how this is all your fault and what you should’ve done. Focus and what you should do now.”

 

Lu Han blinks, mouth parting a little as the realization comes toward him.

 

He can fix this.

 

He will fix this.

 

“Then I need your help,” Lu Han says, grabbing her hand with his. “Will you come with me?”

 

***

 

“Cara!” Lu Han calls in a rush, right after he steps one foot inside the familiar room covered with books, crayon, and children with bright innocent smiles. The last time Lu Han visited this room was when he secretly hid himself behind one of the bookshelves and watched the love of his life bringing some joy to the children with little colorful books and fantasy filled words. He never had the courage to say hi and call her name—Lu Han was already satisfied looking at her having the time of her life by nursing the kids. But today, he can approach her without any hesitation. Today, that girl has put on an even brighter smile when she notices his presence. And yet Lu Han can’t feel any joy.

 

He’s just restless. Anxious. And scared to the bones.

 

“Lu Han?” Cara’s eyebrows are raised questioningly. She carefully lifts a four year old boy off her lap and kisses his head before she gently places him down on the carpeted floor, where he soon joins the other kids drawing circles and uneven rectangles on their drawing books. Cara stands up and approaches the Chinese man. “Why are you here so soon? Have you met Sehun?”

 

“No, I—” Lu Han needs to keep his mind straight before he speaks. “I’ll tell you about it later. Look, I want you to meet someone.” Lu Han pushes his childhood friend forward by her shoulders and he introduces her name. “She’s a friend of mine. We’ve known each other since we were kids—she—she’s a really nice person and—”

 

“Oppa,” his friend carefully says, taking Lu Han’s shaky hand off her shoulder before she gives it a reassuring squeeze. “Calm down a little, okay? No one can understand you when you talk like that.” She turns her head to the side, facing Cara with a polite smile and bows down. “Hi, we’ve met before at Kim Minseok’s wedding, remember? I’m Baekhyun’s girlfriend—well, now wife.”

 

Lu Han is grateful how his best friend can maintain such calm posture in front of her, even after he dropped some news regarding Cara’s traumatic incident and her constant fear of meeting strangers. His childhood friend keeps sending her warmest smile to Cara’s direction and she even jokes a little when Cara takes a long time before she finally accepts her hand.

 

“Oh…” Cara blinks, nodding once before she politely bows as well. “Yes, I remember you. Congratulations on your wedding.”

 

“Thanks!” The other girl grins widely and every time she talks, her ponytail sways behind her head. “Sorry for not—”

 

“She’s going to take care of you today,” Lu Han immediately cuts in, not wanting to waste any of his important time that could be used to find Sehun. “Cara, I’m sorry but Sehun sounds like he’s in a really bad condition. I’m worried about him and it’ll probably take a while for me to find him, so my friend here will be my replacement for today.”

 

Cara looks flustered, moving her eyes back and forth from Lu Han’s to his friend’s. “Y-you don’t have to send her to accompany me, Lu Han, I’m perfectly fine on my own.”

 

“It’s okay,” she says, smiling warmly at Cara. “I’d love to spend a day with you. We can get to know each other better.”

 

Cara mirrors her smile but her heart still rests uneasily. She thought she wouldn’t bother Lu Han anymore by staying here, but looking at the situation right now, it’s clear that he still worries sick about her. And now she’s actually causing trouble to his friend too…

 

“Cara, please…” Lu Han begs, taking her wrist and holds it firmly beneath his palm. “I can’t focus on Sehun if I can’t guarantee your safety first.”

 

Cara looks at him and realizes how he looks so edgy behind his dark orbs. His body is almost twitchy, as if he’s aching to leave the foster house already and Cara doesn’t want to be the person who holds him back. Not again.

 

Carefully, she reaches out a hand, placing it on his hair and patted his head softly. “It’s all right,” she whispers and Lu Han’s heart jolts. As she softly ruffles his hair, she adds, “Everything’s going to be all right.”

 

Lu Han blinks. She’s doing the thing he always does to her whenever she gets all fidgety and nervous about something.

 

For a moment there, Lu Han can’t think of anything other than her voice, her touch, her tender fingers, her beautiful hazel eyes, her everything. Just for a second there, his anxiety is washed away, being replaced with this small ball of contentment.

 

“Sehun will be fine,” Cara says, moving her palm away from him. “Everything will be all right, so calm down and don’t rush it. You won’t be able to think clear if you keep panicking.”

 

Lu Han smiles, and his joy isn’t measured by the width of his smile, but the shine in his eyes. “Yes, Ma’am.” He nods his head once before he turns to face his friend. “Stay with her, okay? And if I’m not here by six, take her back to my place. I’ll text you my address.”

 

“Aye, aye, Sir!” His childhood friend gives him an exaggerated salute. “Now get going, you cheesy lovebird!” Lu Han playfully ruffles her hair before he smiles to Cara one more time and takes his leave.

 

***

 

Lu Han doesn’t remember what time it is, but judging from how long the sun has disappeared behind the horizon, he figures it’s already quite late. Soft sprinkles of rain start pouring from the sky, and he shivers violently when he fixes his coat’s collar.

 

Lu Han is frustrated. He’s been walking almost to every corner of the town, looking for a certain young man who is probably not doing okay by himself. And there’s nothing Lu Han can do, really, except for trying and trying until his feet bleed and his knees crumble to the ground.

 

He’s about to call Sehun again for the billionth time that night, but his battery is running low and Lu Han just prays that Sehun will pick up and tell him his location before it goes dead.

 

“Oh Sehun, where the hell are you?” Lu Han mutters to himself, almost punching the dial button to call his numbers again before suddenly, his screen flashes bright. There’s an incoming call with numbers he doesn’t recognized. Usually, Lu Han would dismiss this kind of thing, but considering that it might be Sehun calling from his phone’s friend, asking to be picked up or something, he answers. “Hello?”

 

Lu—Lu Han-sshi…?

 

The first thing that pops in his mind is that this feminine voice sounds familiar in his ear, but he can’t grasp who the owner is for sure just yet. Before he can ask for a name, the girl on the other line speaks with a voice full of tremble and desperate sobs.

 

“Y-you have to help him… Please! I don’t know what to do—Sehun isn’t listening to me and—”

 

“Text me where he is,” Lu Han says, his voice sounds definite. “And I’ll be there.”

 

***

 

The first thing Lu Han hears when he steps into the bar is the sound of the glass breaking as it hits the floor.

 

Then comes the screaming.

 

“SAY THAT AGAIN!” A man, almost two meters tall with red face and veins popping on his forehead, roars as he grabs a tight grip at the other man’s collar. “I DARE YOU TO SAY THAT AGAIN TO MY FACE, YOU LITTLE PRICK—”

 

Lu Han nearly dies—or at least that’s how he feels at the moment—when the much thinner man fights back by throwing a punch to the bigger man’s jaw. It doesn’t take more than a second for Lu Han to notice that the slender, pale-looking guy is the man he’s been searching for hours.

 

Getting called by a worried friend since her boyfriend is going nuts is one thing. But seeing how actually screwed up that boyfriend is in real life is another.

 

Oh Sehun is standing there, a little bent on the knees and he never looks this wrecked in his entire life. His skin is ghostly pale. His lips are blue from the cold but they’re not chapped since the alcohol has probably been slicking them up. There are dark bags under his half-alert eyes and if it weren’t because of his drunken swearing, Lu Han would’ve piggybacked his best friend to his place since he’s not sure the younger boy can even hold himself up properly on his own feet. His hair is damp, plastered to his forehead and he breathes heavily, chest rising up and down. There’s a bruise across his left cheek and Lu Han wonders whether it came from the hard knuckles of the furious man in front of him.

 

“I said—” Sehun wobbles on his feet, his eyes are only half-open and Lu Han can almost sense the alcohol in his words. “Go yourself, .” he finishes and the other man only becomes much angrier.

 

“Damn it,” Lu Han mutters under his breath before he sweeps in and dares himself to stand between the two guys. “Whoa, easy there!” he says, hands on the air while he protects Sehun who’s standing limply behind his back.

 

“Get out of my face!” The angry man snarls back, “I’m going to kill that son of a .”

 

Lu Han groans inwardly. This is not going to be easy.

 

“Sir, I’m sorry,” Lu Han says, acting like he’s scared and acknowledging the man’s presence. “This is my little brother right here,” he says, pointing his head to Sehun’s direction. “And he’s a little bit off on the head, if you know what I mean, so can—”

 

“That’s not my problem!” The man shouts straight on his face and his voice is so loud that Lu Han’s ears start to ring. “He called me an and I want him to pay for that!”

 

“Hey! You insulted me first!” Sehun snaps back, almost lunging toward him again but Lu Han manages to hold him in place.

 

“Sehun, be quiet.” Lu Han’s words are final and when Sehun doesn’t stop and he’s about to throw another attack to the rude man, Lu Han elbows him right on the stomach until he falls down to his knees, a hand clutching to his abs. Sehun groans but doesn’t do much but reeling in the pain.

 

“Sir, please,” Lu Han says again, looking up to the other man. “We do not want to fight. He’s just having a rough night and he’s not thinking straight. Look, I’m gonna take him home so let’s end this peacefully, shall we?”

 

People around them are gathering with curious eyes and parted lips, probably wanting to know what’s happening between the three guys or wondering whether a fight would start.

 

The man’s glare only grows harder as he points a finger to Sehun’s face. “That brat should’ve thought of that first before he opened his goddamn mouth.”

 

Lu Han tries again with his diplomatic attitude although he’s nearing his patience limit. “Sir, please, can we just—”

 

“SHUT UP!” The man grabs Lu Han by the top of his coat and shoves him away with so much force, he sends the shorter man falling with his face first on the floor.

 

,” Lu Han curses when he accidentally bites his tongue on the way down. The bite isn’t that painful, but it’s hard enough to make him taste copper in his mouth.

 

Before he can get up, the stronger man already has his hands around Sehun’s collar again and brings the boy to his feet. It doesn’t take a genius to guess what he’s going to do to Sehun next.

 

Without thinking much rather than the fact that Sehun is about to get hurt, Lu Han just tackles the man before he can land a blow to Sehun’s jaw. The man’s body falls to the floor after he knocks down a table. A few yelps come from the people around him when three glasses full of beer tumble down and hit the ground with a loud crash.

 

Lu Han is so angry that he wants to punch every bit of his brain out of his head, but he tries to be the better one this time. He won’t behave the same way as that guy, and that is the very reason why he decides to just take Sehun’s hand and drag him out of the bar instead.

 

Well that, and also because of the fact that the owner of the bar is now threatening them that she’s going to call the police on them.

 

“Come with me,” Lu Han says, gritting his teeth as he pulls Sehun harshly to his feet and forces his way out of the crowd. The moment they step out from the bar, Lu Han is welcomed by the rain, steadily pouring on him and soaking him to his feet

 

“Let go of me!” Sehun protests, his voice slurring. His bangs are stuck to his forehead and Lu Han can’t tell whether his eyes are wet from the rain or his own tears. Sehun tries to break his hand away from Lu Han’s but the older one has a tight—and hurting—grip around his wrist. “LET GO OF ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!” Sehun doesn’t stop shouting to the point Lu Han feels that his ears are about to bleed.

 

Lu Han takes a deep breath and pulls Sehun harder so the younger one doesn’t have any choice but to follow.

 

When they’re a few meters away from the place, Lu Han sees Sehun’s girlfriend approaching them with wide, worried eyes and hasty steps. “Oh…” She softly gasps; her fingers moving up to cover her parting lips when she realizes the bruises on her boyfriend’s face. This is the first time Lu Han has ever seen her wear so many expressions on her face.

 

“Se—” She tries to call when she stands in front of the two boys, close enough so she can share her umbrella with them. “Sehun, what happened?”

 

“I thought I’ve told you to go home,” Lu Han says, feeling more worried than angry toward her. “It’s not safe here.”

 

“I can’t just leave him alone,” she says, leaning closer to Sehun and raises a hand to caress his cheek and wish the pain away. “Sehun, are you ok—”

 

Sehun slaps her hand, taking a step back away from her. His body sways drunkenly and he probably would’ve fallen down if Lu Han didn’t catch his hand on time.

 

“ off,” Sehun spits harshly, putting a hand in the air so he’ll keep his distance away from them. “Everybody needs to stay the hell away from me.”

 

His girlfriend stares with unblinking eyes, looking fully stricken by his words and it hurts Lu Han to see her usual cold demeanor falters that easily from her face.

 

“That’s enough, Sehun-ah,” Lu Han says, squeezing Sehun’s wrist tighter with one hand to make him aware about what he’s doing to his own girlfriend. But the only thing Sehun does in return is throwing a hit against the side of Lu Han’s face.

 

The punch doesn’t hurt just as much as it is shocking him. Lu Han stumbles a few steps back and he loses his grip on Sehun. His ears start to buzz a little but Lu Han tries to keep himself composed.

 

Sehun!” His girlfriend says, throwing a glare at the said man before she scrambles to Lu Han’s side. “A-Are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine.” Lu Han tries to smile reassuringly, even though deep down, he’s so close to literally knock some sense back into Sehun’s head.

 

“You’re bleeding,” she says, noticing the trail of blood flowing from the corner of his lips.

 

Lu Han winces and wipes a thumb over the small wound. Seems like he’d bitten his own lip accidentally when Sehun threw that drunken punch to his face. “Yeah, it’s—” The conversation ends abruptly before he can finishes his line because Sehun just bumps his feet to the nearest trashcan as he tries to get away from them. It falls to the sidewalks, littering the street with plastic wrappings and dirty chopsticks.

 

,” Sehun curses again, looking deathly pale as if he’s about to throw up his insides.

 

“Sehun,” his girlfriend tries to reach him again. Lu Han knows she can’t stand seeing her own boyfriend in this condition. “Sehun, please. Let’s just go home.” She carefully approaches him, putting an umbrella above his head and not caring that she’s getting drenched in return.

 

“No,” Sehun states, one hand clutching to his chest. “Leave me alone.”

 

She looks like she’s about to beg. “Sehun, just let me help you.”

 

“I DON’T NEED HELP!” He roars so loudly to the point Lu Han can’t hear the stormy rain in the background anymore. “I don’t need help from you two!” He jabs a finger toward her direction before he moves it too Lu Han’s.

 

“You abandoned me,” Sehun says, an octave lower than his usual tone.

 

Lu Han’s lips parted as a shiver runs down his spine. “Sehun, I didn’t mean—”

 

But Sehun isn’t stopping. “You found a girl and you just left me alone in this hellhole. Well, guess what, Hyung? She doesn’t even love you! She’s going crazy and you’re wasting your time trying to fix her when we both know she’s just going to stay that way—you just don’t want to lose because you have such a ing huge ego and—”

 

“Sehun, that’s enough.” It’s not Lu Han who tries to stop him this time.

 

Sehun averts his glare to his girlfriend’s striking blue eyes, which look as stormy as the sky. “Don’t talk to me,” he snarls, his jaw clenching hard. “I won’t trust your words ever again.”

 

She bites her lower lip, perhaps trying to stop herself from breaking into whimpers. “Sehun, I’m—”

 

“You told me to have hope!” Sehun screams louder this time, and Lu Han wants to cover his ears not because of the loudness of his voice but the obvious pain in it. “You told me to stay positive when you know everything was going to turn out this way! And now she’s ing dead and this wouldn’t have hurt so much if you didn’t give me false hope to begin with!”

 

Her eyes move back and forth, searching every corner of her boyfriend’s face. She has one hand clutching to her heart, possibly trying to redeem her feelings. The way her hand tremble shows nothing but fear but she keeps her feet strong on the ground.

 

“Sehun,” she softly calls, “I’m sorry of what happened, but—”

 

SHUT UP!”

 

Then everything happens really fast. Sehun has his hands in the air before he shoves her away by the shoulders with so much force, he sends her falling backwards. Surprised at the sudden movement, she slips on her feet and loses her balance before she falls to the cold, empty street. She’s lucky that Lu Han is fast enough to catch her before her head meets the hard ground, but she scratches both of her elbows when she tries to hold herself up in reflex.

 

Lu Han takes a sharp breath, immediately helping her to her feet. “Are you okay?” he asks and that’s a dumb question really because how can she be okay?

 

She looks shocked but she doesn’t say anything, only standing up firmly to her feet and gently pushes Lu Han away from her. “I’m okay, just… surprised.”

 

Although it’s really just a lie, Lu Han notices. Because when she moves her arm, she flinches a little. And she’s definitely not okay deep down, which Lu Han witnesses through the panic tears that start to form on the corner of her eyes. She brushes them away before they become more obvious and Lu Han admires the way she always tries to look so calm in handling everything.

 

But Sehun isn’t just stopping right there. “Get away from me,” he says, sending her a look that’s threatening enough to be real. “Get the hell away from me. I don’t need you—”

 

She can probably take this, but Lu Han can’t. There’s no way in hell he would allow Sehun talk to her like that. “Sehun, stop it—”

 

“NO!” The boy starts screaming as tears stream down his face. “EVERYBODY JUST NEEDS TO SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE—”

 

Enough!

 

Lu Han cuts him off with a hard punch on his right jawline until Sehun’s face meets the ground; his groan muffled by the rain. Lu Han doesn’t need to mutter anything to show what he wants to say because it’s all become clear with that one hit. Sehun needs to calm down and get his s together.

 

Lu Han can hear how she softly gasps beside him but she doesn’t utter a word. She just approaches her boyfriend, holding her umbrella over his head as she kneels beside him on the ground. She quietly cries which eventually leads to the part where she’s trying to muffle her sobs as she picks Sehun off the ground.

 

Sehun lets her hold him because his ears still buzz after Lu Han’s hard blow on the side of his face, but after he hears her faint cry, he whispers as he leans his chin on her shoulder. “I don’t need you,” he says and the sound of the thunder doesn’t nearly scream as loud as the sound of her breaking heart. Sehun may be half-conscious at the moment, but his words draw a vivid scar in her memory.

 

She bites her lip, nodding. “I understand.”

 

Sehun closes his eyes, and Lu Han can’t tell if it were tears or some droplets of rain that trail down his cheeks. He seems to have fallen unconscious from having his energy drained with all the things he’s been through today. Not to mention how many amount of alcohol he’s consumed for the day.

 

She breaks into another cry when she wraps one hand around his nape and Sehun’s soft hair. “I’m sorry, Sehun…”

 

Lu Han can’t take this anymore. “Let me take him from here,” he says, grabbing Sehun by the arm so he’ll stop leaning to his girlfriend. He huffs when he brings the unconscious man to his feet because Sehun isn’t as light as he thinks.

 

She hurriedly wipes her tears away and stands up too, staring at Lu Han with more will in her eyes. “I need to be with him.”

 

“No, you need to go home and take some rest,” Lu Han firmly states. “I know it’s been a hard day for you too, so—”

 

“No, please…” She tries, begging for his permission. “I need to take care of him.”

 

“All he needs at the moment is to be alone,” Lu Han replies, ending his line with a gentle smile so she’ll understand the case. “You’ve done enough. Thanks for calling me and letting me know. I’ll take it from here. Just go get a cab and go home, and text me so I’ll know you’re safe.”

 

“But—”

 

Please,” Lu Han insists, though his words are stern, his eyes are pleading. “I’m already worried about so many people. I don’t need you to put yourself on that list too.”

 

She bites her lip, hesitating. She still looks unsure but after a few seconds, she finally allows him to do what’s right. “Don’t leave him,” she tells him with a broken voice. “Just… Make sure you stay with him for a while. Sehun doesn’t like to be alone.”  

 

“No one does,” Lu Han comments, wrapping an arm around Sehun’s waist to prevent his limp body from falling. “And I’ll stay.” Lu Han nods, placing a comforting smile on his face. “As long as he needs me—” He suddenly remembers that he used to say those similar words to Sehun years ago. And that thought makes him smile though not from joy, but from bitter disappointment. Lu Han always tries to not make promises he couldn’t keep, and yet, he seems to always say it unconsciously. As if he doesn’t know his own limit. And it’s sad really, how easily it was for him to promise such things to Sehun back then, but now…

 

“I’ll stay with him for a while,” Lu Han finishes his words with that line, not wanting to make turn his promises to lies anymore. “I’ll make sure he’s okay.”

 

After a few seconds filled with hesitation, she finally nods. “If he wakes up and he’s sober enough to—”

 

“Then I’ll let you know, I promise.” Then, with Sehun’s arm wrapped around his shoulders, Lu Han carries him home.

 

“I’m sorry.” She softly sobs, bringing her head low. “Sehun, I’m sorry...”

 

***

I'M SORRY FOR THE LATE UPDATE AND THIS CHAPTER IS SO CRAPPY I CAN'T--

I wrote this in a rush since I'm actually still in my exams week but I feel so bad for not updating this for a while so yeah, here *hands this chapter to you on a royal platter* I'm sorry it's basically crap. I honestly don't know what I'm writing anymore. And now I'm ruining Sehun's character too WHAT HAVE I DONE

thank you for not un-subscribing this story *burrying myself in a hole and cry*

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Patrissia #1
Chapter 27: Ahhhh still my fave fanfic ever!!
m_nanakim
#2
Chapter 27: Still waiting for an update ♡
SnowExoBang #3
Chapter 1: Omgggggg I’ve always loved the raw, bare words and expressions you put into your work!! I laughed my off even at the saddest moments ????
ShoveItUpMy
#4
Chapter 27: This story is amazing but The looks like the author dropped this fic since it hasn't been updated since 2015
Taemeyyaaaa #5
Chapter 27: Please update huhu. I really can’t wait what will happen plsss
Hanna14
#6
I’m rereading this in 2017 .. i hope you’re okay author
Taorislove #7
Chapter 3: Can't wait to continue reading this, My heart is already breaking for Luhan :(
xoxoangie
#8
Chapter 27: Still not giving up on this masterpiece. You make me fall deeper for luhan by reading this story. Still waiting for you dear, patiently, hopefully ?