FAITH

 

“LEAVE!”

 

Lu Han’s final word still rang repetitively through his ears as Oh Sehun gave up and walked away from his best friend. With his shoulders slumped forward and a confused mind, the boy rubbed his eyes and wishing that he were strong enough not to cry.

 

But the thing was, it hurt. It always hurt to be shoved away by the people you love, no matter in what condition you were in.

 

Sehun tried to understand that Lu Han was just enduring too much stress to be thinking rationally. Perhaps everything would get better tomorrow. Sehun knew Lu Han just needed some time to calm himself down. He knew that, but knowing and actually being understanding about it is a completely different thing.

 

“Stop crying,” he said to himself, sobbing softly as he continuously rubbed the tears away from his eyes. “Stop crying, Sehun. Stop crying.” But he cried to his sleeve, standing in the middle of the hospital’s empty hallway for a few moments to collect himself back in one piece. It was hard, but he managed.

 

When the tears had stopped flowing, the pang of guilt and sadness still survived behind his chest. Still whimpering softly, Sehun took out his phone from his pocket. He knew it wasn’t polite to text people at three in the morning, but he just couldn’t bear to be alone right now.

 

Noona, are you awake? he texted.

 

Sehun was counting every second that was passing by after he pressed the ‘send’ button. He was just reaching the number sixteen when he received his reply.

 

You can come here, she said.

 

It was amazing how the two of them could connect by exchanging such little words. He didn’t even tell her about his situation, and yet she knew and gladly proposed to give him the comfort that he craved. Sehun never needed excuses, never needed permissions, and he never needed to explain his reason or what he desired. She was always able to look through his mind with the simplest thing he did.

 

So he went there, going straight to her apartment where she lived alone. Her parents occasionally came to check up on her every weekend, but today is Monday—or Tuesday to be exact, considering it was already three a.m. on the next morning. She would be alone and that was what Sehun needed. He didn’t want anyone else to see him when he was like this. He was sick of getting asked, “Are you okay?” and “Why are you crying?” or “Did something bad happen to you?” by people. He needed silence, but Sehun didn’t want to face it alone either. It was complicated, really. Even he knew that. But somehow, she always knew what to offer and Sehun was always glad to take.

 

After Sehun knocked on her door a few times, the doorknob was turned and her head peeked out from behind the door.

 

“Noona,” Sehun said, smiling weakly.

 

She opened the door a little wider and Sehun could see how she got her cream-colored blanket wrapped around her upper body. Her long black hair was draped carelessly to her shoulders, and it was sticking to every direction but somehow she still looked effortlessly beautiful. Even when she was now wearing her rainbow polkadot pajamas with neon colors, she still looked beautiful. Her blue eyes shone under the dim light of her place and she tilted her head slightly as she analyzed his expression.

 

Without saying a word, she opened her arms and Sehun moved forward to sink into her embrace. She stood there, covering both of their bodies with her blanket and she tenderly the soft hair on his nape. This was what he needed. A comforting silence with a gentle touch to make him brave enough to stand against the world.

 

“I’m not okay,” Sehun said, pressing his cheek to the side of her head. She nodded. “And I really hate Mondays.” She nodded again and let Sehun circle his arms around her waist. She never was a woman with too many words. She only spoke out her mind when it was necessary or she was being questioned, and that was okay for Sehun because he didn’t need words to understand that she cared about him.

 

When Sehun regained some of his strength back, he pulled back from her and sent another smile to her direction. She only silently gazed at him, perhaps wondering about why Sehun looked so sad and broken, but then again, Sehun always looked brokenhearted these days over various reasons.

 

Slowly, she stood on her toes and placed a delicate kiss to the corner of his mouth. Sehun softly sighed, reeling in the affection she gave him before he let her take his hand and bring him deeper inside her apartment.

 

One glass of chocolate milkshake and a half an hour later, Sehun slipped himself under the duvet and laid stomach down on her bed. He had taken off his jeans, only leaving him in his mocha stripes boxer with no shirt on because he dislike the way the fabric stuck to his body whenever he got sweaty in his sleep. His girlfriend didn’t mind. She was already used to his habit.

 

“Noona,” Sehun called, and she gazed back at him, lying on her side to face him directly. “Am I a nuisance?”

 

She blinked once before she shook her head.

 

“But,” Sehun sighed, eyes drooping sadly. “I always seem to bother people a lot.”

 

“Only sometimes,” she replied and Sehun couldn’t help but to smile because she was always so straightforward with him.

 

“I got into a fight today,” Sehun told her, breathing softly when she carefully swatted his bangs out of his eyes. “Lu Han-Hyung was mad at me. I don’t know what I did wrong. He just got so angry and told me to leave him alone.”

 

She didn’t reply but Sehun knew she was listening well. She placed a palm on his cheek, his soft skin until Sehun was purring and leaning to her touch.

 

“I know he’s not being himself right now,” he says again, scooting closer to her side of the bed until their foreheads were pressed against one another and she gently brushed her lips against the tip of his nose. “You don’t think he hates me now, do you?”

 

She shook her head again.

 

“I know that he wants some time alone to sort things out.” Sehun exhaled heavily and they changed positions until she was lying on her back and Sehun placed his head on her stomach. “I guess I’m just surprised to know that he has found someone he cares about more than me.”

 

“It’s not like that.” Her voice was soft and patient. “He just has too many things going through his mind. People can only hold their emotions so much until they start breaking apart and channel their pain and anger to everyone.”

 

Sehun exhaled heavily, keeping his mouth shut for a few seconds and just listened to the sound of a ticking clock.

 

“Sometimes I wonder,” he mumbled quietly, “Why can some people, mean a world to someone, but in return, that person only mean so little to them? You think you’re their everything because that’s how you see them with your eyes. But when you see them interact with somebody else you realize that oh, I’m just another person that probably doesn’t mean any more important than a piece of paper they used to write this morning. A paper that won’t even stay for a day before they throw it away to find another blank one to fill.”

 

She fell quiet, contemplating his words. Sehun noticed her silence so he tilted his head up and asked with innocent eyes that were similar to a child’s asking his mother about why leaves turn to grey after summer ends. “Am I just like a piece of paper to you too, Noona? Are you going to toss me away after you’re done with me?”

 

She looked into his eyes and noticed how much he wants to hear the truth. “Instead of a paper, you’re like a canvas to me.”

 

Sehun furrowed his eyebrows. “A canvas?”

 

She noded, but she didn’t explain why. She wouldn’t let him know what kind of thoughts ran through her head at the moment.

 

You’re like a canvas, Oh Sehun. You’re so pure and innocent, so clean and white with so many hopes and love for the world. Then I fill you in with colors. Sometimes they’re bright, sometimes they’re dark. Because the world, even though some say it’s like a part of heaven, is actually tainted by a bitter taste of hell. With you as my canvas, I pour my feelings to you. I let you take a glimpse of my imagination and what’s hidden in my mind. I share my pain, my joy, and my fear because you’re the safest place to store my secrets. And when I’m done with you, I’ll keep you around because you’ve become a part of me. You won’t turn into something that I’ll throw away someday. You’ll become my masterpiece. The only way I can see the beauty in the world is through your eyes.

 

Sehun couldn’t decipher what she was thinking, and this was probably the first time he couldn’t read her expression that well. And he knew she wouldn’t tell him no matter how hard he begged her to, so he just resorted to one simple question. “Is that a bad thing or a good thing?”

 

“A good thing,” she answered and that was all he needed.

 

“After meeting her, Lu Han-Hyung seemed to change a lot,” the boy slurred after a few minutes passed by, sounding too tired to even speak. “He just forgot about me. Forgot about everything, even himself. It’s like he’s in love with her too much, that he forgets to love himself in the process. Let alone loving anyone else.”

 

“We’re just humans, Sehun. We’re shallow. We’re not meant to be able to keep so many feelings to ourselves. When we have something we like better, we just tend to forget about the things we used to love,” she said, forgetting to Sehun’s head for a moment there because she was losing herself too deep in her own thoughts. Sehun nudged his head toward her hand so she’d begin running her fingers through his rainbow locks again.

 

“Are you saying Hyung doesn’t like me anymore?”

 

“I’m saying he’s moving you to the second place in his priority list. He knows who needs him the most. You have me. You have your family. You have Jongdae to make you laugh at campus.”

 

“But I need him too,” Sehun hates himself for sounding too whiny but he couldn’t help it. “Lu Han-Hyung’s never there for me again.”

 

“Then what about the girl he loves?” his girlfriend asked, sounding mature and more reasonable. “Does she have anyone else to be asked for help?”

 

“No,” Sehun answered a bit bitterly, although he felt sorry for Cara. He knew that some horrible thing must have happened to her, considering how freaked out Lu Han was. He tried to be sympathetic to her problems, he really did, but some parts of him were too selfish that he began to crave for more attention. “No, she doesn’t have anyone. You’re right, I’m being too selfish.”

 

She could tell how sad he was, even when he was trying to understand Cara’s position.

 

“I guess this is something I have to pay,” Sehun exhaled heavily. “Lu Han-Hyung was always there for me. I was so helpless when I first met him, and he always took care of me. I used to let him spoil me and maybe at some point, I was really a nuisance to him, just continue nagging and bothering him with my bratty attitudes.”

 

“Oh?” She secretly raised an eyebrow. “So you know you behave like a brat.”

 

Sehun’s lips curved up as his eyes turned into crescents moon. “Maybe. I mean, Lu Han-Hyung always told me so. But he never got mad at me. Not even once, not even when I was asking for ridiculous things at ridiculous hours. I still remember the Christmas’ Eve we spent together a few years back. He was supposed to spend the holiday with his college friends at a beach house—I forgot who owned the place. It was Chan... something. Kim? Park?” He knew he was rambling so Sehun waved a hand and brought his focus back to the main topic. “He was so excited about it that he told me almost everyday before the due date. And I was supposed to stay home and spend my time with my family, but that night I was really bored so I called him and begged him to come and spend Christmas’ Eve with me. I lied to him, telling him that I was alone and that my family was leaving to see my cousin in Busan. Maybe that’s why he felt so sorry for me.”

 

She waited and smiled in secrecy when she saw how Sehun’s eyes seemed to sparkle.

 

“He actually came, you know?” Sehun said, smiling longingly. “That Luhannie-Hyung actually ditched his trip and went back to Seoul to see me. I remember how he was grumbling non-stop at my front door, telling me that I shouldn’t have lied about it because he would still come and pick me up either way. Though he was upset, he didn’t say no when I asked him to order some bubble teas together. He didn’t even like bubble tea that much, but he always bought it just so he could accompany me.”

 

When the story ended there, Sehun’s eyes drooped down again, showing the sadness he managed to forget a few minutes ago. “But today he screamed at me and shoved me away.”

 

She reached out a hand and patted his hair. Sehun smiled in return although he sniveled a bit.

 

“I just want things to be okay again,” Sehun whispered, almost out of her hearing zone. “I just... don’t want people to leave me.”

 

She responded by carding her fingers through his hair again and Sehun closed his eyes, grateful with how tender her touch was.

 

“People leave,” she finally speaks her mind. “That’s how it works, Sehun. And that’s why people invented the words ‘moving on’, because that’s exactly what we should do when they leave us.”

 

“You sound like him,” Sehun said, remembering his conversation with Lu Han a few years back. “Why are you two so pessimistic about people?”

 

“It’s called being realistic,” she answers.

 

Sehun huffed but he didn’t fight against it. “Hyung once told me about how people tend to abandon their loved ones out of their own will. He said it was worse than watching them die. I still don’t understand why.”

 

She seemed to think about it first before she spoke again. “Maybe it’s because when people die, there might be a chance that they die while they’re still filled with their love for us. If my mother dies so suddenly, for example, I know she’ll go with her heart full of love for her daughter. But if my mother abandons me, then I know she despises me fully from the bottom of her heart.”

 

Sehun looks up, staring at her as he props himself with an elbow. “Did somebody ever leave you?” he asked, his gaze softening.

 

She sensed his concern through his eyes, so she smiled and brought Sehun’s head down to her so she could meet his lips with a warm kiss. Sehun gladly obliged.

 

“A few times,” she casually answered. “Having blue eyes don’t exactly scream normal, you know,” she added, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugged him close. Sehun tried to keep his weight off her so he wouldn’t crush her fragile frame.

 

Sehun smiled because she always remembered how the two of them first met, even if it was years ago. “But I stay with you, right?” he shyly asked, although his grin was mischievous. “I love your blue eyes.”

 

His girlfriend never showed her emotions loudly, which was why Sehun had trained himself to be aware over the simplest things: a twitch on the corner of her lips, the way she blinks her eyes or the way she doesn’t blink them for a second longer than normal. Sehun could tell whenever she was scared or sad or even embarrassed just by a single look, and he knew how she was experiencing the latter right now.

 

“I love you,” he said, suddenly looking at her with a mature look that didn’t usually form on his face. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I want you to know that.”

 

Sometimes, the signals were bolder and more obvious. Just like right now, he could see the blush appearing on her cheeks. She didn’t act all shy and nervous though. She was a master in pretending to be calm in any kind of situation. She didn’t get called ‘Ice Princess’ for nothing.

 

“That’s not quiet true,” she said, his cheek. “I’m probably the third best thing.” Before Sehun could complain, she explained. “First, would be your mother. Second, would be your Lu Han-Hyung. Then, me. Or maybe I’m the fourth, if you count in your favorite chocolate bubble tea.” Though she meant the last one as a joke, the way she said it was like she was stating out a fact. It was the way she could fool around in such a stiff manner that became hilarious to him.

 

Sehun didn’t know he could laugh after what he had been through today, but he did. “And you’re okay with that?” he asked and she only shrugged in response.

 

“Well, I love you and Lu Han-Hyung equally,” he said, leaning in to press a sudden deep kiss that made it hard for her to imagine that Sehun was almost like two years younger than her. “But he never makes me want to do this kind of thing, and you do so maybe I love you a little more.”

 

He could feel her smile forming as they kissed and Sehun pressed down a little closer to her until his bare skin was grazing against her fabric. She let out a soft gasp that he probably wouldn’t have been able to hear if he wasn’t peppering small kisses under her earlobe right now. She bent her legs, letting him settle himself between her thighs and ran her fingers along Sehun’s spine. The boy squirmed under her touch.

 

The moment was right, everything was perfect, but then Sehun stopped and she didn’t ask why because she knew what was happening before he could even utter a word.

 

“She didn’t recognize me again today,” Sehun said, his voice was muffled by the skin of her neck. “She doesn’t know me. It’s been months and she still doesn’t know me.”

 

When his body trembled, she wrapped her hands around his broad back and his hair. “It takes time,” she said, murmuring soothing words and let him cry to her shoulder. It never irked her how easily tears could fall down to his cheeks because she knew that Sehun was never the type who could channel his emotions through anger or frustration. Whenever he got upset, Sehun never broke things out of resentment; never laid a hand and hurt anyone; she’d never even seen him scream with veins almost popping out from his forehead. Sehun always unraveled himself into tears, breaking apart to tiny pieces and it was her job to pick them up and solve the puzzle one more time.

 

“I d-don’t know how long I can wait,” Sehun whimpers, already choking on his every word and she sat up from her bed so she could embrace him properly. “I—I don’t know how long she’s going to stay. I’m not even sure w-whether she could… make it.”

 

“She will,” she said, placing a soft kiss on Sehun’s temple before she landed another one on the corner of his eye. “You just have to believe she will.”

 

“I just…”His eyes were puffy and red and he had a habit of rubbing them to stop the tears from arising again, though she knew it would be a waste of time. “I just don’t want to be alone.”

 

“You’re not alone,” she said, kissing the inner side of his palm before she brought it to her cheek. “You’re never going to be alone.”

 

Sehun sniffled and bit his lower lip to contain himself from wailing. “But you said yourself that people would leave us someday.”

 

Her blue eyes softened and her smile shine in a way even the stars couldn’t match. “Maybe it’s time to believe that some people stay.”

 

***

 

The doctors said that Cara should stay in the hospital for about two weeks before Lu Han could finally take her home. She could’ve gone home two days prior, but Lu Han agreed and even insisted that she should stay longer too. He was worried over her mental sickness, and it turned out that Cara has addiction to drugs too. That was why he begged the doctors to at least, make herself strong enough to keep her away from the drugs.

 

He stayed with her every night, and he still found some time to work on Kris’ case, even though he was doing most of his work beside the hospital bed with his MacBook on his lap. The stress was eating him from the inside but Lu Han was strong enough to keep himself at bay.

 

Cara usually slept through the day. The never-ending pain at the back of her skull still made her weak so she spent most of her time sleeping. While Lu Han, on the other hand, beginning to feel nocturnal. He actually forgot to sleep, just spending his time watching her sinking into her dream state and held her hand in his because it was true. She did scream in her sleep. It resulted fine when Lu Han was able to wake her up in time and told her that it was just a dream, whatever that was. But on some of those hard nights, Lu Han had to call the nurse to give her something to calm her nerves because even when she was awake, her screams still wouldn’t end.

 

It was tiring. Of course, it was. Everything was starting to take its toll on him. Sometimes he felt like she wasn’t getting any better, even though she did—he knew she did. And sometimes, he was on the verge of breaking apart as well. But he didn’t give up, and he wouldn’t. Ever. Because he realized that a woman is not more than a reflection of her man. If he loves her so much, and if he shows her how strong he can be and how he won’t ever stop trying to make her smile, she will mirror the exact same thing. That’s what he believes. That’s what he means when he says he would start living for her, and how she would for him.

 

Whenever he was sure she was okay, Lu Han went away to pick up her clothes from her sister’s house and clean his apartment (it took him a while to ready himself to scrub his bathtub clean, but he managed to do it till the end). He went to work on time whenever Kris demanded him to, and Yixing couldn’t be happier to see his teammate doing his job professionally again. Even Kris smiled to him once in a while, although he tried to make it not too obvious.

 

Sehun had called for about five times in those fourteen days he spent with her, but Lu Han answered none.

 

“You’re frowning again,” Cara says, mirroring his expression. It’s the last day she has to spend in the hospital before she can go home and Lu Han can be more grateful to see how well she looks right now if being compared to their first day here.

 

“I just have a lot of things in mind,” he says, smiling. When she doesn’t respond with words, Lu Han braves himself to stand from his stool and sits right beside her on the bed. It’s a bit crowded, since the bed isn’t designed to have two people lying on it, but Cara scoots to the side to give him some space and Lu Han takes his chance.

 

He leans his back against the wall and links his fingers with hers.

 

“Come lean your head on my shoulder,” he says and her cheeks burn in the darkest shades of red.

 

“W-what?” she asks, and Lu Han laughs over her nerviness.

 

“You remember that super cheesy drama we watched on TV the other day?” he asked and Cara still looked like she just saw a ghost. “Stop freaking out and just let me do one of those lame scenes, okay? Relax, lay your head on my shoulder and just, you know, enjoy the beauty of the world.” He ends jokingly but she doesn’t crack a smile.

 

She starts fidgeting and Lu Han’s chuckle rumbles deeply at the back of his throat. He’s just about to tell her that he’s just teasing her again but then she moves, ever so slowly, and anxiously rests the side of her head on his shoulder.

 

Lu Han’s heart jumps a couple of beats faster and he curses inwardly because it seems like the joke is playing on himself too. He shouldn’t be this nervous. He’s the one who started this, damn it, so why is he so freaking nervous like a schoolgirl going on her first date with her crush?

 

“This…” Lu Han clears his throat because he sounds like he’s squeaking. “This seems to be a bit awkward.”

 

“A-a bit,” she says, nodding her head twice and he suddenly finds the urge to kiss the skin underneath her bangs.

 

“But I’m happy,” he says, grinning like a lovesick puppy. “Very happy.”

 

She’s still looking stiff and she doesn’t look comfortable at all with her head on his shoulder but the smile on her face betrays that fact. Lu Han thinks he hears her saying “Me too” but then he’s not certain because his imagination tends to run wild at moments like this. It’s a wonder he hasn’t started imagining running off into the sunset with her in a wedding dress.

 

“Hey, can I tell you something?” Lu Han asks as he fishes out his phone from his pocket and turns it on.

 

She knows it’s just a rhetorical question, but she replies anyway, “Yes?”

 

Lu Han hesitates for a second because he’s still not sure whether she can take this information easily. But he’s made his decision and he should stand his ground. “I called Minseok the other day.”

 

Just like what he’s guessed, she freezes, almost looking like she stops breathing.

 

“O-oh…” She feels as dry as the desert.  “W-what did you—”

 

“I told him I missed him,” he says, trying to keep the tone of his voice casual and airy. “And I apologized to him for being an and not contacting him since his wedding. It was kind of hard to, uhh, talk to him, you know? After knowing about how you feel for him.” Then Lu Han immediately continues his speech before she can mutter a word because he knows what she’s going to say. “Don’t you dare apologize for it, Cara. This is purely my fault. You don’t have anything to do with this.”

 

She looks taken aback but she nods.

 

“So, uhh…” Lu Han starts rambling as he plays with the soft skin of her fingers. “He was angry with me, of course. Told me how stupid I was for easily breaking off our relationship like that. I kind of deserve it, I guess, since I’ve never returned his calls, never answered his e-mails, never even bothered to check on him.”

 

She looks down to where their fingers are intertwined. “Me too. I haven’t talked to him since that night as well. I didn’t want him to get involve with…” A glint of pain shows up on her eyes. “…my life.”

 

Lu Han’s eyes grow tender. “I’ve figured it out that much,” he says, as he punches buttons to his phone. “Which is why, I’m doing this now.”

 

“What—” She hasn’t finished asking her question because Lu Han suddenly presses his phone against her ear and then—

 

“Hello?”

 

Cara’s eyes grow wide as soon as the familiar voice rings through her ears.

 

“Lu Han? Hello?”

 

Kim Minseok still sounds just the same as she remembers and there’s an eerie feeling she feels at the bottom of her stomach.

 

“Hey, Lu Han, answer me.”

 

She hurriedly brings her hands to , covering her lips tightly before she starts sobbing endlessly. All the old memories she shared with him, all the feelings she had for him, they all start coming back and it feels too much for her to handle. She can’t speak, only feeling the way her eyes start to water and how her tears stream down effortlessly to her cheek.

 

Lu Han smiles fondly, although deep down he’s hurting because how can he ever beat him? Just one chance of hearing his voice, Lu Han can tell how she’s falling all over again for him. Maybe she never even stopped loving him. Maybe Lu Han is just another option she’s ready to throw away when she gets the chance to choose what she truly wants.

 

Some parts of him think he shouldn’t be doing this. But he knows that this is necessary. He needs to learn the truth. He needs to know whether Cara would stay with him even after she gets the chance to learn more about her first love once again.

 

“Say something,” Lu Han mouths at her and she shakes her head violently, looking like she’s terrified.

 

“Lu Han, this is not funny.”

 

“Cara, say something,” he insists, pressing the phone a little bit closer against her ear. “You know he misses you too.”

 

Lu Han doesn’t know what she sees in his eyes that can make her agree with his demand, but he decides that it doesn’t matter now.

 

“Lu Han, if you don’t say anything on the next second, I’m going to hang up—”

 

“O-oppa—” she gasps out, voice filled with shiver and anxiety.

 

The phone goes silent for a few heart-thumping seconds until Minseok breathes out a soft call of her name. That’s when she smiles, so, so widely and takes the phone with her own hand. Cara murmurs his name over and over again between her small laughs and with every letter she pronounces, Lu Han’s heart sinks down to the floor.

 

It hurts. He can’t take it. Even after everything he’s sacrificed, he still fails and loses against a single sound of Kim Minseok calling her name.

 

He stands and leaves the room, not even sparring another glance to her and the smile she displays for another man. He thought it would keep him away from breaking, but he has never been that lucky.

 

Seems like in his story, it’s not the prince who fell in love with another girl. It’s the little mermaid who fell in love with another man.

 

***

 

Lu Han feels horrible. He really does. After all, he just leaves her room without leaving any message whatsoever and just strolls away for God knows how long. When he checks what’s happening outside the window, he notices that the moon has replaced the sun, which means he’s already been away for almost six hours by now. He doesn’t even remember what he’s done in those past hours, perhaps just wandering around the town thinking about how stupid he was for letting his girl slip away from his hands again. But that doesn’t matter now.

 

“Cara,” he calls as he slips inside her hospital room. “I’m sorry for leaving so sud—”

 

The bed is empty. The only thing he can see is the crumpled blanket on the side of it. He feels cold sweats start to trickle down his spine.

 

“,” he curses. His head is spinning from too many thoughts flooding right into his mind at the same time. He turns on his heels and breaks his way out of the door. He’s ready to run even though he doesn’t know where he should go. He just has to.

 

But before he can move far, he’s faced with the sight of Cara looking at him with wide, puffy eyes. She’s still in her hospital clothes and she stands there frozen with one hand against the wall to help her stand.

 

When their eyes meet, she looks so utterly relieved that Lu Han grows speechless.

 

“Where…” she gasps, chest heaving up and down from joy or from anger, Lu Han isn’t sure yet. “Where have you been?” Her voice is cracking and she looks like she’s about to break into tears again, but this time, she doesn’t look like she’s about to cry from pain, horror, or sadness. It’s something entirely different.

 

“Cara…” Lu Han totters his way to her spot, reaching out a hand to help her stand properly but she refuses his offer. “Cara, you scared the hell out of me. I thought you were—”

 

She pushes a palm to his chest and Lu Han frowns, trying to translate what is she doing before he realizes that she was trying to shove him away out of anger.

 

“Where have you been?” she asks in a tone that sounds too broken to be interpreted as rage. Lu Han takes a hold of her shivering hands before she can land another weak punch. “Where have you been, Lu Han? I—I’ve been trying to look everywhere for you—I was worried about you, and I—I thought you—” and she can’t speak because her feelings are too overwhelming to be spoken into words. Her eyes are watery and red but she tries to keep herself strong and away from crying.

 

For the second time that day, Lu Han feels his heart sink down to the pit of his stomach but for an entirely different reason. The last time, it was because he was too disappointed, because he was angry, because he was so sad over the thought that maybe she was still deeply in love with Minseok.

 

But right now, his heart throbs loudly because of hope. Because maybe, just maybe, she does feel something for him after all. He can feel it in the way her hands tremble. He can sense it in the way she looks at her with relieved and longing eyes. He can tell it in the sound of her voice, how she sounds so angry but not as much as she expresses her happiness over the fact that he has come back to her side again.

 

Right now, right at this moment, the only thing Lu Han can think about is, I’m so in love with this girl, I don’t know what I’d do without her.

 

With her hands in his, Lu Han pulls her close until the gap between their bodies become nonexistent. He has a hand around her shoulders and another one at the back of her head, slipping his fingers through her beautiful brown locks.

 

“I’m sorry,” he says, almost wanting to break apart in front of her but somehow in a good way that even he can’t explain himself. “I’m sorry. I should’ve told you before I went away.”

 

She presses her cheeks against his chest, soaking his shirt with her uncontained tears as she circles her arms around his waist. She can’t even understand why she’s crying. She thought she’d able to get through this without getting so emotional, but the moment Lu Han had his arms around her, she knew she was a goner. “Y-you looked s-so angry,” she tried to speak but she’s crying too hard to be perfectly clear. “I—I was scared that you would—”

 

“—leave and never come back?” he offers, feeling too much joy in his heart that he feels he’s about to burst into bubbles and disappear into thin air. “Never,” he promises, embracing her even tighter if that’s possible. “There’s no way I can ever leave you.”

 

Her breath stutters and sometimes she coughs from lacking so much air but it’s all okay because Lu Han is here, and she’s with him, and everything seems fit together like a finished puzzle.

 

“D-don’t…” she hiccups, still stammering as she speaks and Lu Han pulls away with a laugh to wipe her tears away with his thumb. “D-don’t ever do that to me again.”

 

“I won’t,” Lu Han says and this time he follows his urge and leans in to press his lips against her temple. “I won’t.”

 

Lu Han is probably not much of a believer, but he puts his faith in his own fairy tale.

 

***

HEYAAAAAA! So guys, since my exams week is over, I've decided to write something for you guys. Think of this not as a filler chapter, but as my early present to all of you hahaha. I wrote this chapter in like two hours and I haven't read it again so forgive me if this is crap and there's like so many typos or grammatical errors in it. Many of you want to know more about Sehun's perspective after his incident with Luhan, so here it is. I've tried to make it less angsty and as fun as possible. And I'm glad you all like Sehun's 'noona' hahaha, I hope you all like her in this one as well. AND THIS CHAPTER IS SO SAPPY I CAN'T I'M SORRY

Anyway, just in case I'll take forever to post another update, I'm just going to say MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU LOVELY PEOPLE! YOUR COMMENTS KEEP ME ALIVE AND BREATHING AND I AM NOTHING WITHOUT YOU! THIS YEAR HAS BEEN A FANTASTIC YEAR BECAUSE OF YOU GUYS YOU SHOULD ALL KNOW THAT I LOVE YOUUUUU~~~~