TIMEKEEPER

 

Lu Han dreams of running away—not from something but to catch someone instead. He can’t see who the person in the white dress is but he screams her name. He just knows it’s her. He keeps screaming and screaming until his throat feels like burning, but no matter how much he screams and no matter how much he runs, he can’t reach her. The distance between them is like a river of endless tears.

 

“Come on, Lu Han,” he hears her say, voice beautiful, melodious, and gentle. “You’re almost there.”

 

Lu Han’s lungs are blazing hot, needing air but somehow, he can’t ever inhale enough of it. “I can’t reach you.”

 

“You can.”

 

“I—” Lu Han’s vision starts to blur. “I can’t—”

 

“Don’t give up on me, Lu Han,” the girl says again, and Lu Han can only see how her thin, fragile lips move as she mouths the word. “Lu Han… Lu Han—”

 

“LU HAN!”

 

Lu Han wakes up with a scream; his hands are clawing the air as if he’s trying to reach something in his sleep. His heart thumps loudly in his chest to the point he can hear his own heartbeats in his ears. He finds himself gasping and when he tries to swallow, he feels a burning pain in his throat.

 

“Are you okay?” Sehun asks, hovering over him from the spot he’s sitting right beside his bed. “You were screaming in your sleep, Hyung. Did you have a nightmare?”

 

Lu Han tilts his face to the side, looking at the boy who’s scrutinizing his every movement with concerned eyes. “Yeah, um—” Lu Han just barely tries to explain when something important enters his head like a hammer knocking on his skull.

 

“CARA!” Lu Han shouts, sitting up straight on the bed in a rush and finds himself wanting to faint as soon as he moves his body.

 

“Whoa, whoa!” Sehun scrambles to his feet, keeping his arms around Lu Han’s hand to help him with his balance. “Careful there, Hyung. You’re having a fever—”

 

“Where is she?” Lu Han hurriedly asks, trying to ignore how his head is about to explode into pieces, “Where’s Cara? Is she okay? I have to see her—”

 

“Oh no, you’re not going anywhere,” Sehun orders and grabs his Hyung by his arms before the older one can leap out of his bed. He pushes the elder back to the bed and presses one hand against Lu Han’s chest to keep him down. “You’re staying here, Hyung.”

 

“But—” Every time Lu Han tries to speak, there’s this scratchiness in his throat that he can’t throw away and it pains him just to form every syllable that he needs to speak. “But Cara—”

 

“She’s okay, Hyung,” Sehun says, folding Lu Han’s arms neatly on his chest before he covers the Chinese man’s body with his blanket. “She’s okay, don’t worry. She’s in the other room, perhaps sleeping.”

 

“Sleep—” Lu Han blinks in surprise, breath catching in his throat. “She came back?”

 

“Yes,” Sehun replies, smiling a little on his lips but his eyes are as cold as the night. “Your heroic stunt didn’t seem to end in vain, after all.”

 

Lu Han blushes slightly but he tries to hide it fast. “Shut up.”

 

“No, I won’t. I won’t shut up,” Sehun states firmly as he leans back in his chair and crosses his arms around his chest. “You want to know why?”

 

Lu Han sighs, not wanting to dwell with Sehun’s bratty act for now. “No, Sehun. I—”

 

“Because, Hyung,” Sehun continues anyway, “You’re a freaking and you’re crazy. You’re a freaking crazy , that’s what you are.”

 

Lu Han just stares back at him. He can tell his body temperature is rising and how his headache has been getting worse and worse. He’s shivering too, considering how he’s still wet from the rain that hit him like waterfalls. Lu Han breathes in relieve when he notices that he mustn’t have been sleeping for long if his hair still feels wet like this.

 

“Hyung,” Sehun calls, watching him judging eyes. “I told you to calm the down, didn’t I?”

 

Lu Han closes his eyes. “Mind your language, Sehun—”

 

“Don’t you lecture me, Hyung. I’m lecturing you now,” he says and Lu Han opens his eyes again just to glower at him in response. Sehun doesn’t waver though. “I told you to calm down and think about your action first, Hyung. But what did you do? You stormed out like a mad person under the heavy storm. Yes, pun very much intended.”

 

Lu Han holds himself back from rolling his eyes.

 

“If you had just listened to me,” the younger one lectures again, “if you had tried to at least chill out first, and think about your future actions with your right mind, you would’ve known that she would be somewhere in this building, right? You didn’t need to run to every corner of this town just to see her. But you did and now, look at you! You’re having a high fever. You fainted like a that you are and you made me worried sick about you.”

 

“Yes, Sehun-ah, okay, I understand,” Lu Han comments, trying to keep himself out of annoyance. He knows well that Sehun is just concerned over his well being, but Lu Han doesn’t need to be shouted at like this right after the moment he woke up with a painful headache and a sore throat.

 

“Be thankful that she was there when you fainted, Hyung,” Sehun says, huffing loudly. “If it wasn’t because of her, you would’ve been frozen to death under that nasty storm. Thank God she called me and told me where you were so I could come and pick you up.”

 

Lu Han isn’t able to say anything because he’s still busy trying to take in everything Sehun just said. There are so many things he wants to ask about his last sentence: How could she call Sehun when my phone was in my pocket? Did she actually search for it herself? Didn’t she say she was scared of me?

 

After much thinking and trying to find the most rational answers, Lu Han came to one conclusion: Cara braced herself to come close to him and grabbed his cellphone to call for some help, instead of just running away from him when she had the chance.

 

His deduction makes his skin grow hot and he knows that it has nothing to do with him currently having a high fever.

 

Sehun gives him a glass of water when he sees his Hyung’s face twisted in a weird way. He gives him a small dose of Tylenol to help him reduce the fever too. “Here,” Sehun mumbles, placing the pills on Lu Han’s palm. “God, you’re ridiculous. I thought you were the mature one around here, Hyung.”

 

Lu Han ignores him and voluntarily gulps the pills down with one breath before he plops himself down to bed.

 

“Did she…” Lu Han wets his chapped bottom lip before he speaks again. “Did she freak out when she saw you?”

 

“Yeah,” Sehun says, “But for me, it didn’t look like she freaked out because she was scared of me. She freaked out because she was worried sick about you.”

 

Lu Han’s ears perk at his words. “What?”

 

“Yeah, I mean,” Sehun starts while he plays with the edge of Lu Han’s bedcover. “Look, after she called me, I sort of went after you without much thinking. I’d never seen you act so irrationally before, Hyung, so I panicked as well. I left your belongings at the lobby—I wasn’t thinking, I’m sorry. I’ve called the hotel to keep them safe, so don’t worry. I’ll go back there in a few hours to pick them up.”

 

Lu Han notices how Sehun is now wearing different clothes than what he wore before he took off to the hotel. Actually, now that he’s taken a closer look to it, Sehun is wearing one of his sweaters. Lu Han figures out that Sehun must have ran through the rain as well to get to his place. He wants to shake his head in disbelief and tells him how Sehun is just as dumb as he was right then but he just settles with, “It’s okay.”

 

“When I got to the rooftop, Hyung,” Sehun continues, “She was kneeling beside you. She didn’t try to shake you awake by your shoulders or anything but I could tell she wanted to. She had her hands out in the air, already shaking so hard before she could touch your face. I think she was crying then, but I might be wrong. When she saw me, she was looking at me with wide eyes and kept telling me ‘help him, help him’.”

 

Lu Han can feel how red his face is turning even when there’s no mirror in sight. He can’t help but to indulge himself in the pure joy that’s blooming in the pit of his stomach.

 

Sehun secretly smiles when he sees the content look on the older one’s face. “Should I just stop here or should I continue with the part where she tried to give you CPR?”

 

Lu Han’s face almost blows up to the ceiling. “She—” Lu Han ends up coughing so badly to the point he gets tears in his eyes. “W-water…”

 

Sehun gives him what he needs, chuckling slightly. “Relax, Hyung, I was just joking.” He receives a piercing glare from the Chinese man but the boy just calmly waves it off. “But Hyung, you wanna know what happened for real? She was the one who changed your clothes.”

 

Lu Han spills the water he just drank all over the bed sheets. He’s choking on his words, trying to ask ‘YOU’RE KIDDING ME RIGHT’ but ends up biting his tongue accidently instead.

 

“Aaaaand I’m kidding again,” Sehun adds, laughing and completely satisfied with Lu Han’s reaction. “Seriously, Hyung, you’re so easy to tease when it comes to her.”

 

Lu Han grits his teeth as his eyes glower at him. “Say that again to me when I’m well and healthy enough to throw you out the window, Sehun-ah.”

 

“I think I’ll pass,” Sehun grins boyishly. “But you were thinking about it, weren’t you? About her changing your clothes?”

 

“I wasn’t!” Although the fact that his ears are turning red at the moment doesn’t actually say so.

 

Sehun shakes his head in amusement and ruffles his half wet rainbow colored hair. “Ah, Hyung,” he whines, checking the tip of his strands. “My hair is messed up because of you.”

 

Lu Han keeps the scowl on his temple as he lies down on the bed again. “I was about to thank you for the things you’ve done for me, Sehun-ah, but since you made fun of me, I think I’m just gonna let it pass.”

 

“Meanie Xiao Lu~” Sehun pouts, poking his Hyung’s shoulder in a cute-but-still-somewhat-annoying way. “I almost fainted myself when I had to carry you back here, you know. You know I don’t do sports like you, Hyung. And you’re heavier than you look.”

 

Lu Han smiles at that before he says, “Fine, you deserve it. Thank you, Sehunnie.”

 

Sehun sheepishly smiles back in return, almost giggling like a schoolgirl. Almost being the key word here. “Anytime, Hyung.”

 

Then Lu Han realizes something weird. “She’s not scared of you, is she?”

 

Sehun blinks and hums as he falls into his own thought. “Well…” He stares at his own hands that are lying idly on his lap. “Rather than scared, I’d say that she looks, I don’t know, like guarded? Like she thinks I’m nice but she also thinks I’m not nice.”

 

Lu Han knows that feeling. “But she didn’t try to push you away? Like screaming at you, or staying so far away from you?”

 

“Oh, she tries to keep her distance away from me, Hyung, that’s for sure,” Sehun says, “But she remembers me. Turns out my girlfriend is a much closer friend to her than I thought she was, and she used to see me hanging around my noona all the time in college. We often talked and she even taught me how to bake a cake for my girlfriend once. That was before she dropped out from college anyway.”

 

Lu Han can’t help the slight tinge of jealousy from appearing in his chest. He doesn’t want to feel like this—not with Sehun as the other guy—but Lu Han has never gotten the chance to be close to her at all. “Good, then,” Lu Han mumbles quietly under his breath.

 

The younger one notices the look on his face so instead of talking about Cara more, he focuses on dealing with his Hyung’s condition. “Lu Han-Hyung,” Sehun calls.

 

Lu Han has his eyes closed, feeling his eyelids heavy with sleep as the pills starting to work. “Hmm?”

 

“What happened to you, Hyung?” The rainbow haired boy asks. His eyes droop like he’s sleepy as well, but when Lu Han glances at him, he notices that the boy is just sad and tired.

 

“Honestly, Sehun-ah?” Lu Han starts, taking a deep breath. “I don’t know where to start. It’s all happening too fast, and I just can’t… care about anything at the moment other than her.”

 

Sehun sits still on his seat as he stares coldly at his Hyung. “Why is she so important to you?”

 

Lu Han isn’t fond with his tone, and he stares at the younger boy with weary eyes. “What do you mean why is she important to me, Sehun-ah? I love her.”

 

The boy only clenches his jaw, not saying anything back for a while. Until finally, he asks, “Is she going to stay here?”

 

Lu Han is lying if he says that he’s not surprised when Sehun suddenly asks that. Now that someone has stated it out loud, even the thought of letting her stay in his apartment with him like this has already sounded so ridiculous and nearly impossible. But that’s what he has to do, right? Her sister asked him to.

 

No, Lu Han voices in his mind. That’s not right.

 

Letting her stay here is the thing that he wants to do. Even if her sister hadn’t asked him to, Lu Han would have still dragged her away from that hellhole. There’s no way in hell Lu Han would let her stay with someone as abusive as her brother-in-law. It’s not safe, and the only thing Lu Han wants to do now is to keep her safe.

 

But is she?

 

Does she feel safe now?

 

I’m scared of you, Lu Han.

 

Lu Han takes a deep breath, feeling the pain in his head piercing through his skull once again.

 

“Sleep, Hyung,” Sehun says, already losing his patience in waiting for Lu Han to smile genuinely at him and say everything’s all right like he mean it. “Take some rest.”

 

“Can I?” Lu Han asks, staring at the ceiling. He doesn’t feel like he can rest at all, even if he really wants to.

 

“Try,” Sehun replies, standing from his seat. “I’ll be around here to make sure she’s okay.”

 

Lu Han nods, closing his eyelids as he exhales heavily. “I owe you one, Sehun-ah.”

 

“You owe me an explanation,” Sehun says as he reaches the door. “And you owe her one too.”

 

“I know.” Before Sehun can disappear from his room, Lu Han calls him again. “Sehun-ah, I… There’s something I want to ask you. It’s been bugging me for a while.”

 

“Hmm?” Sehun hums, leaning against the doorframe.

 

“I just…” Lu Han doesn’t know how to suddenly begin this topic. “I remembered that time, a few years back, when you woke up in the middle of the night, crying because you had a nightmare.” He can see how Sehun’s body grows tense after he ends his sentence. “What did you dream about?”

 

Sehun pauses, bringing his eyes to the ground as his eyebrows curl up together. “It’s…” he hesitates. “It’s nothing important. I don’t really remember.”

 

Lu Han can’t really tell whether he’s lying or telling the truth. Maybe a little bit of both. “Does it still haunt you?”

 

Sehun looks up, and he breathes out softly before he throws a weak smile. “No, Hyung. The more I grow older, the more I realize that the reality is the one I should be afraid of. My reality is much scarier than those nightmares I had.”

 

“What?” Lu Han almost sits up, but the pain in his head screams for him to stop moving. “What happened? Why aren’t you telling me things?”

 

For a split second there, Lu Han can see how Sehun’s eyes seem to speak ‘I’ve tried, you just never listened’ but then he smiles and Lu Han tries to figure out which one is the truth.

 

Lu Han tilts his head to the side, looking straight at the younger one with his cheek pressed against the soft pillow. “Is that why you used to call me at the middle of the night?” After Lu Han asks the question, he realizes he just said the words used to. Since that time Lu Han told him to hang up on him, Sehun never actually tries to call him again.

 

Lu Han can’t help but feeling that there’s something he should’ve known about.

 

Something he should know now.

 

But Sehun only flashes him another secretive smile, saying, “I’m okay, Hyung. At least for now. Whatever it is you’re thinking right now, you don’t have to worry about me.”

 

Lu Han tries to find the sincerity in his words. And it’s there. Sehun doesn’t make things up. He truly means his words. But something feels wrong. Like there’s a piece missing from his story. Like he’s not telling the whole thing to him.

 

Ah, Lu Han thinks, so this is how Sehun must be feeling every time I refuse to tell him about my problems.

 

“You once told me that,” Lu Han tries, clearing his throat, “that when you smile but you’re actually hurting inside, and keeping your problem to yourself even when your friends try to help you, you’re hurting the people you love. I hope that’s not what you’re doing now, Sehun-ah.”

 

Sehun just stares, a bit cold and a bit pained. “This one is different, Hyung. I’m not asking for your help because I know you can’t help me. There’s nothing you can do.”

 

“Sehun,” Lu Han begs. “What’s happening to you?”

 

Sehun shakes his head. “I’ll tell you later, Hyung. I will, I promise. But not right now. Think about her for now. She needs your help more than I do.”

 

“But—”

 

“You know, Hyung,” Sehun speaks up again, “I know I’ve been acting cold whenever you talk about her, and I’m sorry for that. I thought you didn’t have the chance to fix her—let alone to be with her. I just didn’t want you to get hurt, Hyung. But when I saw her worrying over your safety like that, begging me to help you right away, I changed my mind. She cares about you, Hyung. She really does. She’s just… trying to distance herself away from you. Maybe she thinks it’s for the better.”

 

Lu Han loses the ability to speak.

 

“So now, Hyung,” Sehun adds, smiling genuinely at him. “Now that you have the second chance to be with her, give it your best. Don’t worry about me, or anyone else, really. Worry about her. She’s all in your hands now. Take care of her.”

 

Lu Han can only nod his head, but in his heart, he recites the same promise.

 

“Go back to sleep now, Hyung. You deserve it.”

 

And he does just that. He sighs and lulls himself to sleep, wishing to fall back to his previous dream but hoping that this time, he can reach her somehow.

 

***

 

Lu Han looks at the clock on his bed stand and realizes that it’s already an hour away before midnight comes. He’s been sleeping for five hours straight and he curses at the medicine he took before Sehun told him to sleep. He didn’t intend to sleep this long.

 

Lu Han fights the thought in his mind that wants him to go back to sleep again, and instead, he lifts himself up until he finds himself sitting on the edge of the bed. He presses a palm to rub the side of his temple, willing the headache to go away, before he stands up and walks out of his room.

 

The lights on the living room are still on, making the Chinese man groan slightly over the sudden brightness of the room. He had spent too much time staring at the crack on the ceilings of his room in the dark, so he has to force his eyes to adjust to the new situation.

 

There are two things Lu Han notices the moment he steps into the room:

 

First, Cara is there, standing near the kitchen counter with Lu Han’ s white mug between her palms.

 

And two, she looks surprised and also scared when she acknowledges his presence in the room. But more than that, she looks relieved. That time, Lu Han finally lets himself believe that Cara really is worried about him.

 

Other than that, Lu Han also finds Oh Sehun sleeping on his barcalounger with his legs sprawled and his mouth opened unattractively—there’s a trail of saliva on the right corner of his mouth. Lu Han decides to leave him alone.

 

He focuses back to the girl, who’s standing a few meters away in front of him, and flashes a weak smile at her. “Hi,” he says.

 

She doesn’t answer but moves her head to make a polite bow.

 

Lu Han takes one step closer without thinking and she backs away with a flinch until her spine hits the edge of the counter. Her eyes are slightly squinting in pain but when Lu Han asks her whether she’s all right or not, she only stares at him back with a cautious look on her eyes.

 

“I…” Lu Han clears his throat and winces at the pain. He hates having sore throats but they seem to like him enough to keep coming back. “I was just going to sit down and talk. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

 

She straightens herself up and looks more prepared now. “You don’t scare me.”

 

He doesn’t buy it for a second and Lu Han waits just in case she wants to say something more, but nothing but silence comes to answer. “Is it okay if I sit down then?”

 

Cara’s face is filled with hesitation but Lu Han doesn’t know what caused that look until she bravely moves forward, placing the mug she’s been holding at the small kitchen’s table near the stool before she moves back to her previous spot.

 

Then she nods her head, gesturing him that she just granted him a permission to sit down on the stool.

 

Lu Han frowns but doesn’t ask for explanation. He takes his seat, and out of curiosity, he peeks at what’s placed inside the mug. It seems to be a warm lemon juice.

 

“It’s…” Cara’s voice sounds delicately sweet through the night. “It’s for you.”

 

“For me?” Lu Han asks, raising his eyebrows. His fever seems to be back because Lu Han can feel his cheeks grow hot, or maybe it’s caused by a completely different reason. “You made this for me?” He tries to sound not too hopeful.

 

She sheepishly nods, answering, “Yes. It’s for your sore throat. S-Sehun-sshi told me that. And I heard you woke up, and…” She fumbles with her words until she finally points her shaky finger to his fridge. “I found some lemons in there s-so I…” She finishes her line by bringing her flustered face down. “I made that for you.”

 

Lu Han is too happy with the fact she cares enough for him that she got up in the middle of the night just to make him some lemon juice. He’s too filled with joy that he forgets to thank her about it and just downs the lukewarm drink in one try.

 

He regrets it as soon as the liquid reaches his tongue.

 

Lu Han coughs so hard and loudly that even Sehun—the quite heavy sleeper he is—gets woken up from that.

 

“Hyung?” the boy asks with even droopier eyes, heavy with sleep. “Hyung, what are you doing?”

 

Lu Han knocks his chest with his palm a couple times, wondering if it’d help to stop him from coughing like an old lady, and his eyes are starting to get teary. He notices how Cara tries to reach out her hand to help him, but she doesn’t actually have the courage to immediately go to his rescue. Lu Han doesn’t make a big deal out of it. Sehun already has a hand along his back anyway, slapping his palm against it with a huge force that almost has Lu Han leaping from his seat.

 

“I’m fine—stop slapping me!” Lu Han groans, swatting Sehun’s hand away as he keeps on coughing.

 

Sehun still has his eyes closed as he sits beside him. “Hyung… You’re…” Even when he’s currently sitting on a stool, Sehun falls back to sleep with his head on the pantry’s table and Lu Han is left staring amazedly at him.

 

“Can you believe this guy?” Lu Han asks to no one in particular, rubbing his chest while he still coughs a little. When he faces the girl, who’s staring at him with wide, worried eyes, Lu Han tries to smile and playfully asks, “I’m fine. I’m okay. But may I know what on earth is in this drink, Ma’am? Because it tastes like monkeys’ sweat, to be honest.”

 

Cara places a hand to cover , just like how she usually does when she tries to hide her smile. Lu Han grins at the simple gesture.

 

“You weren’t supposed to drink it,” she says, sounding much lighter and less tense. “It’s a salt water with a few drops of lemon. You were supposed to just gargle it to help clear any excess mucus in the back of your throat. You shouldn’t have swallowed it whole.”

 

“Whoa, okay, Doctor,” Lu Han chuckles, wrinkling his nose playfully at her. “Maybe give me a heads up first next time? I thought I was drinking Satan’s piss.”

 

“I’m sorry,” she says and there’s this small voice flowing from her lips—very faint, but clear enough for Lu Han to hear. It’s a cross between a giggle and a shy laugh, and even if it only lasts for two seconds, Lu Han has never felt so lucky in his entire life.

 

Lu Han stares at her like a man falling in love on the first sight. “Oh God, Cara, you don’t know how glad I am to finally be able to hear you laugh again.”

 

She stills for a movement but when she looks back at him, there’s no trace of fear in her eyes again—at least not that vividly.

 

Lu Han doesn’t know how long he spends time looking at her with love-struck eyes, but the moment he realizes how rude he’s being for staring like that, he immediately takes a deep breath and starts saying what’s he’s been wanting to tell. “Cara, I have… some things to say. About me. About why you’re here and… Well, there are a lot of things I want to say to you. Will you listen?”

 

She doesn’t answer right away but she eventually nods her head.

 

“Sehun,” Lu Han says, turning to his side and he elbows the boy who somehow manages to sleep in a sitting position. “Sehun-ah, wake up, you . You said you wanted to hear my explanation for things too.”

 

Sehun slowly opens his droopy eyes and weakly blinks as he turns his head to face his Hyung. “Merry Christmas, Xiao Lu...”

 

“It’s not even December yet. Stop sleep talking, you brat.” Lu Han sighs and pats Sehun’s cheek repeatedly. “Yah! Wake up!”

 

The younger one only groans and brings his arms to the table, making a temporary pillow out of them before he buries his face there.

 

Lu Han knows when to give up when the task is too impossible to be done. “Fine, don’t come asking things to me later.”

 

Sehun actually starts snoring and Lu Han pinches his cheek for it.

 

On the corner of Lu Han’s eyes, he can see Cara smiling at them.

 

“I didn’t know you two were close,” she softly comments when Lu Han gives her a questioning look.

 

“Yeah, well,” Lu Han shrugs, unconsciously playing with Sehun’s rainbow locks. “He’s been clinging to me for years. Even though he can be so annoying sometimes, I really love this idiot. Not in a ual way, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

 

Cara hides another smile. “It’s good to have friends.”

 

“It really is,” Lu Han agrees, smiling at Sehun’s peaceful look as he sleeps with his head on the table. “So, Cara,” he starts, dropping his hand from Sehun’s hair and setting his full focus back on her. “Where should I begin?”

 

Lu Han explains from the very beginning, even from the night where he couldn’t see her at the pastry house because of his held meeting with his client. Then, he started explaining about his quick trip to the pastry house the morning after, when he met her sister and got asked to visit her house. He didn’t tell her the part where he saw her sitting half conscious against the window of her room or the words she said to him then.

 

Lu Han, you came back. I thought you’d left me too.

 

He decides to keep that part to himself.

 

Lu Han only tells Cara the part where her sister explained about her sickness, and that moment when she asked him to let her stay with him because of her family situation. He also explains the incident that happened between him and her sister’s husband—the part where Lu Han hit the guy because he was abusing his own wife. Cara’s face grows pale at the mention of the fight but she keeps quiet until Lu Han finishes his words.

 

Cara plays with the hem of her knitted sweater. “So she finally threw me away too,” she mumbles under her breath so quietly that makes him think that maybe he shouldn’t have heard what she just said.

 

Lu Han doesn’t need to be super smart to know what she’s talking about. Even when he hadn’t heard the words she just said, he would still have known exactly what’ was running through her head. She’s definitely disappointed, thinking that the only one that’s left from her family is also throwing her away.

 

“Your sister isn’t abandoning you, Cara,” Lu Han says, and he’s trying to convince her that his words aren’t just white lies. “She just needs time to think and re-arrange herself.”

 

Cara’s lips form a bitter smile. “It’s okay, you don’t have to cheer me up. I know I’m a liability. It’s only a matter of time until everyone realizes it and throws me to the side as well. Maybe she’s already had enough of me too.”

 

The way she says all of those things seems like she’s just stating out facts, and not telling him that to get his sympathy. He knows Cara doesn’t want to be pitied.

 

If he were standing next to her, Lu Han would’ve grabbed her by the hand and squeezed it in his to let her know that she was wrong. “Don’t ever say things like that, Cara. Of course you’re not a burden.”

 

“No, really.” Her smile gets wider, but the tears in her eyes are about to fall. “It’s… It’s okay. I’m used to it by now.”

 

“To what? Being abandoned? Being thrown away?” Lu Han asks, his voice radiates anger but she knows it’s not directed toward her. “Cara, you shouldn’t think like that. You shouldn’t get used to it. It’s—”

 

“You know, Lu Han,” she says, finally lifting a thumb to wipe away the tear that just fell to her cheek. Her posture and her eyes are strong and she looks ashamed from even letting a tear slipped away. “You’re a nice person. I understand how you feel about things like this. But when somebody gets deceived, left behind, and accused for things they’ve never done over and over again, the only way to keep them from withering away is by getting used to it.”

 

Lu Han grows speechless for so many reasons.

 

First, he has never seen her talk this much.

 

Second, he feels powerless and weak as he compares himself to her. Cara tries to keep herself look strong even after tears dropped down from the corners of her eyes. She tries to speak the words from her heart without stuttering, even when her fingers tremble with her pain, sadness, and fear. Lu Han thinks that if he didn’t know her as much as he does now, maybe he wouldn’t have noticed there was something wrong with her at all.

 

Third, Lu Han wonders just what kind of things had she been through to make her think and talk like this? Just what kind of pain had she endured?

 

There are so many questions inside his head that he forgets how to speak.

 

And when he finally finds his voice, he regrets his question. “What happened to you?”

 

Cara’s gaze grows hard and darkens a little, but she tries to hide it with a small, bitter smile. “What happens to everybody: life.”

 

Lu Han isn’t and never will be satisfied with that kind of answer. He opens his mouth but doesn’t sound his protest. He can’t force her to say things she’s not comfortable enough to tell.

 

“Do you know,” she asks almost in a whisper, “how it feels like to be scared of yourself?”

 

That was a rhetorical question and he knows well enough not to answer.

 

“Sometimes, Lu Han,” she continues, voice shivering. “I don’t know who I am anymore. The memories keep coming, and when they get too much, I...” Her fingers around the hem of her shirt start to tremble so hard. “Sometimes I can’t control what I’m doing. I just want them to disappear. I want them to stop haunting me. But they never stop. I hate myself for being so weak. For not knowing what I do for most of the times. I tell myself that I don’t want to trouble anyone else but that’s exactly what I’m doing. I am ashamed of myself.”

 

Her words are vague, and he still doesn’t really understand what she’s trying to say. It’s more like she’s talking to herself, than to him.

 

“Cara,” Lu Han says, “If you tell me what happened to you, maybe I can help.”

 

Her eyes glint in a different way and he notices that she’s trying to put her mask back on.

 

“Promise me something, Lu Han?” she asks, gazing at him with another broken smile. “I know my sister asked you to take care of me. But you don’t have to do it. I can…” There’s an awkward pause as she stares at him with uncertainty in her eyes. “I can just go somewhere else—”

 

Even before she finishes, Lu Han already states his word loud and clear. “No.”

 

“I don’t want to trouble you, Lu Han. It’s better if—”

 

“Don’t you dare try and finish your words.” His gaze is threatening and it effectively shuts her up. “It’s my choice whether you can stay here or not. And I say, you’re staying.”

 

Something glows in her eyes. She clenches her jaws as she responds, “And what if I don’t want to stay?”

 

“You can leave,” Lu Han answers and maybe, just maybe, her eyes slightly go wider when she hears his reply. “Of course you can leave, Cara, but only if you can convince me that you have a place to stay. A place that is safe, with someone to take care of you at day, and to watch over you at night. Convince me that, and I’ll let you go.”

 

She presses her lips so tightly together until they grow pale, as if to stop herself from screaming back at him.

 

Lu Han always smirk whenever he wins an argument. But this time, he doesn’t. Because even if he doesn’t want to admit it out loud, he already loses ten years of his life from being scared over his own imagination. What if she does have other place to stay? What if she ends up with someone who’s even worse than her sister’s husband? What if she slips away from my hands and something bad happens to her? Am I ready to let her away from my life once again? Thoughts like these scared him to death.

 

After a while, just staring at each other with so many things unspoken in their eyes, Lu Han sighs and softens his gaze. “Stay, Cara,” he repeats, softer and undemanding this time. “Think of it like this: I’m not doing you a favor, I’m asking you a favor. I’m asking you to stay, and by staying, you’re doing me a favor.”

 

Cara exhales, sounding fatigued. “Lu Han—”

 

He cuts her off with a whiny tone. “Oh come on, Cara, I’d been running under the storm for hours. I think I’m gonna have a cold soon and I’m craving for hamburgers right now. I have so many wishes in my life, can’t you just fulfill this one for my sake?”

 

Lu Han’s voice is playful and heartwarming. Cara’s posture relaxes for a bit, and after a few moments, she asks for, what Lu Han thinks, the sake of conversation. “Why did you do that?”

 

“Do what? Whining?” Lu Han asks, grinning. “Oh, it’s just my way to get what I want. This here taught me so.” He pokes Sehun on the ribs and the younger one groans in his sleep.

 

“No, before that,” she corrects him, looking somewhat sheepish as if she already knows the answer—and maybe she is, because really, it’s too damn obvious that Lu Han just ran through the entire town to look for her. Maybe she just needs to hear that somebody still cares about her that much to actually do things like that for her.

 

Lu Han smiles, ready to give her the satisfaction.

 

“Why did I run through the storm? Well, I noticed you weren’t there when I woke up and—” Lu Han stops to give out an awkward laugh. “I just ran out of my apartment just like that. It was stupid of me, really, for not bringing an umbrella when I knew how bad the rain was. I guess I wasn’t thinking. I guess I didn’t care about that at all. I didn’t care that I was having a massive headache either—I just stormed out without thinking.”

 

Her breathing grows a little raspy. “Why?” she asks, “You should’ve just stayed here and taken some rest.”

 

Lu Han glances up and looking at her as if she just threw an obvious insult to his face, when in fact, she was just suggesting him to take care of his health more. Her intention is good, Lu Han knows that well, but God, he has never felt so, so affronted in his life.

 

“Can I ask you a question?” he asks, and Cara stays still because she knows, he’s not asking that question to get an answer back. “Tell me how do you think I feel about you.”

 

She doesn’t answer—not because she doesn’t know, but more like she doesn’t want to. “That’s not a question, Lu Han,” she replies instead.

 

“Just answer me,” Lu Han says; his voice drops an octave lower. Realizing that he’s being too harsh and cold, he adds, “Please.”

 

It’s not anger she sees in Lu Han’s eyes. He’s weary and restless, looking like he’s on the edge of breaking. From what, she doesn’t know. “You’re…” She tries, and she raises her voice to be more clear and precise. “You were worried about me.”

 

“Among many things, yes,” Lu Han says, still gazing at her with hard eyes. “Cara, you know how I feel about you. I love you.”

 

Lu Han doesn’t have the chance to see how she inhales a sharp intake of breath when he says those heavy last words.

 

But he does hear what she has to say. “Stop saying that you love me, Lu Han.”

 

Sometimes, especially at moments like this, Lu Han wants to scream out of frustration—to just go to her spot and shake her shoulders until she’s convinced enough to look at him. To really look at him.

 

But the man tries to be rational. Maybe he’s not the most patient person in the world, but somehow, when he’s faced with Cara, he manages to surpass even his own expectation.

 

“Cara,” he starts, voice filled with weariness and desperation. “What do I have to do to make you understand? It’s not just a simple crush. I really care about you. And whenever I say I love you, I truly mean it—no, look at me!”

 

Cara, who’s just about to blink her eyes away from him, looks completely startled when Lu Han suddenly raises the tone of his voice. She keeps her gaze fixed on him, staring with half of her breath caught in .

 

Lu Han feels sorry for suddenly shouting like that, but he doesn’t speak his apology with words, but rather with his eyes. “Cara, you have to know that I really, really do love you. I don’t use this word often. I don’t throw this word to everyone. I know what it means, and I treasure it well.”

 

Lu Han doesn’t know what her eyes are telling.

 

“Look, Cara, I care about you, more than I’ve ever cared about anyone else in this whole goddamn world.” Lu Han momentarily laughs—but it’s a desperate one, to be honest. He places an elbow on the table, rubbing his messy bangs before he closes his eyes and covers them with his fingers. “You asked me why didn’t I just stay and take some rest here when you were gone. Do you think I can just think about my health or a freaking umbrella when you’re out there in some place I don’t know? Do you think I can just stay here and rest when all I can think about is your whereabouts and whether you’re safe or not?”

 

She brings her eyes to her feet, nibbling on her lip.

 

“I was worried sick about you,” Lu Han starts again, not stopping to see her reaction. “In my mind, I got this picture of you hiding from the storm, shivering from your head to your toe and not knowing what to do. Most of the time, the images got worse. I thought about the possibility of you being kidnapped by someone. I imagined what would I do if I couldn’t see you again for the rest of my life. I got scared to my bones when I woke up and realized you weren’t there for me to protect you.”

 

The room falls into silence and the only sound Lu Han can hear is his own hasty breathing from talking too fast.

 

“Cara, I…” he sighs, watching his own fingers on the table. “I won’t ask anything else from you. I just want you to be safe. So please, take care of yourself. Don’t do reckless things. Don’t run away just like that. If you want to go somewhere, I’ll take you there. If you don’t want me to be close to you, then tell me. I’ll give you all the space you need. Cara, I’ll do anything for you. You just have to say the words.”

 

She has the guts to slowly look at him, and she notices how Lu Han is trying to smile reassuringly at her, but his eyes make him look like he’s torn.

 

“Can you promise that?” Lu Han asks, his gaze softening. “Can you promise me that you will always keep yourself safe?”

 

Her eyes are lost in his deep, dark orbs. “Yes.”

 

“Yes what?”

 

“Yes, I promise to keep myself safe.”

 

Lu Han’s eyes light up like the moon and the stars in the sky after the heavy storm. “That’s all I need to hear.”

 

She clears and tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear. “Lu Han, I…” she laces her fingers together in front of her stomach, staring nervously at them. “I’m sorry…”

 

This time, it’s Lu Han who freezes on his spot. “For what?”

 

She nibbles at her lower lip. “For r-running out on you like that,” she answers quietly. When she gathers herself and looks at him in the eyes, she says, “I’m sorry I made you worry about me.” Her hazel eyes glimmer like the red sun at the crack of dawn, and her lips curve up in the prettiest smile Lu Han has ever seen. “And thank you for looking after me, Lu Han.”

 

Lu Han stops and stares, before finally all the blood seems to rush to his head and he blushes like a teenage schoolgirl. He jumps down from his stool, turning around and giving her the sight of his back only. He has a palm covering his mouth when he curses under his breath, “, why is she so cute?”

 

Cara isn’t able to hear him. “Are you okay?”

 

“F-fine, I was just…” Lu Han tries to find an excuse but he fails miserably, so he tries to find another way, which is walking away from her with stumbles in his steps and acting like he’s trying to keep himself busy with arranging the two cushions on his couch. “A-anyway, are you hungry? Should I make you some food? Well, I mean, I can’t cook but there’s always ramyun on the top counter. And let me assure you, I’m damn good at making ramyun.” He adds an awkward grin at the end but she just shakes her head and takes a cautious step away from the sink.

 

“I think I’m just going to go back to bed,” she quietly says, “if you don’t mind.”

 

“O-oh,” Lu Han tries to mask his disappointment, “S-sure, uhh, you want me to—” he steps aside to the corner of the living room so she can go to her room with ease, giving her enough space so she won’t be afraid. She looks grateful.

 

She takes a few hasty steps, reaching to the room Lu Han’s been lending to her.

 

“Cara,” Lu Han calls, unconsciously reaching out his hand.

 

She’s ready to close the door and disappears from his sight, but she waits for him. “Yes?”

 

“Will I…” Lu Han wets his bottom lip while he rubs his nape with one hand. “Will I get to see you again in the morning?”

 

Cara knows well that Lu Han wants her to promise him that she’ll stay. But she doesn’t do it. Promise is a big word. Instead, she only says, “Good night, Lu Han.”

 

Waves of disappointment and frustration come approaching him like they want to drown him alive. But Lu Han tries to swim back to the surface.

 

“Good night,” he says back, forcing a smile. “Although, it’s already morning, so maybe I should say good morning instead?”

 

Lu Han laughs, but Cara only gives a polite bow in return and closes the door with a soft thud.

 

The Chinese man stares at the wooden surface with a long sigh. “Too fast, huh?” he mutters as he walks back to the dinner’s table and to the stool he’d been sitting on earlier.

 

“Well, I guess everything works out okay, right, Lu?” he asks the empty air, while he unconsciously takes the medicine drink Cara made for him and takes a sip again, completely forgetting the part where he’s not supposed to drink it. “Damn it, why do I keep drinking this thing?”

 

“You’re an idiot, Hyung.”

 

“Jesus!” Lu Han gasps loudly, almost jumping out from his seat. A few droplets of the awful drink in his hand get spilled to the carpeted floor. “Sehun! You scared me! I thought you were asleep!”

 

Oh Sehun, the rainbow-haired boy who’s been sleeping—or at least that’s what Lu Han thinks—with his head on the table, still has his eyes closed as he mutters, “I’m a light sleeper, Hyung. I’ve heard the whole conversation.”

 

“Light sleeper, my .” Lu Han snorts and scowls at him, even though Sehun can’t see it. “So, what, you’re pretending to be asleep the whole time? Why didn’t you say something? It’d be nice to get some support, you know. Geez.”

 

“I’m like a wall, Hyung.” Sehun yawns. “I see things. I hear things. I understand things. But I keep quiet about them.”

 

“I’m going to punch your face until it gets flat. Then you’ll look like a wall.”

 

“See? This is why you’re an idiot.”

 

“Excuse me?” Lu Han asks, annoyed. He stirs the stool to the side so he can face the younger one directly.

 

Sehun finally opens his eyes, turning his head slightly so now he has his right cheek pressed against his hand pillow as he stares at him. “Because you sounded so desperate. You can’t just tell a girl you love her like that, Hyung. All those things you said to her—it’s like you were saying that you couldn’t live without her.”

 

Lu Han blushes quite furiously.  “I didn’t say that!”

 

“Well, you sounded like that. Where’s your dignity as a man? Maybe you’re the one who should re-check your masculinity,” Sehun responds and then rubs his nose with one hand. “Oh crap, I have runny nose. Looks like I’m catching a cold too. See what your stupidity does to me, Hyung?”

 

“Yah, don’t talk with no respect like that to your elders,” Lu Han scolds, kicking the bottom of Sehun’s stool. The younger one almost falls from his seat. He whines and grumbles loudly but Lu Han just rolls his eyes at him. “And so what if I sound a bit desperate, Sehun-ah? I am desperate. She wanted to leave again, what the hell do you think I should do?”

 

Sehun shrugs nonchalantly before he buries his face back between his arms. “Well, you could just try to reason with her without screaming your love for her,” he says, his voice a bit muffled. “Honestly, Hyung, it’s embarrassing. I felt like I wanted to jump off a cliff from just hearing your confession. That’s how embarrassed I was.”

 

Flustered, Lu Han pushes the boy’s shoulder, “Shut up, Sehunnie.”

 

The boy does keep silent for a while, leaving Lu Han surrounded by his own thoughts. After a few moments, though, Sehun sits up straight and speaks up again. “Hyung?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“You do realize that you’re always thinking from your own perspective and not hers, right?”

 

Lu Han raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

 

“You never try to understand her,” Sehun says. “You keep telling her that you love her. That you care about her. That you want her to tell you things. But don’t you ever wonder why she keeps trying to distance herself away from you?”

 

“Because she’s scared of me?”

 

“No,” Sehun corrects, “I don’t think that’s it.”

 

“Then what is it?”

 

Sehun props his chin on one hand and stares blankly at one point on the table before he guesses, “Maybe because she doesn’t want to hurt you?”

 

“Hurt me?” The frowns on Lu Han’s forehead grow deeper. “But I’m fine.”

 

“You’re fine? Don’t make me laugh, Hyung,” Sehun scoffs loudly. “Every time you see her, there’s this pain in your eyes that is so obvious it makes people want to cry over it. Maybe she sees that too. Maybe she knows that opening herself to you will only hurt you more.”

 

“That’s not—”

 

“We don’t know a thing about her. Or what she’s been through,” Sehun adds firmly. “You can’t just assume things by yourself. Don’t deal with things you’re not ready to, Hyung.”

 

“Don’t lecture me, Oh Sehun,” Lu Han snaps, a bit too harsh. “I know what I’m doing.”

 

“Hyung, you’re practically throwing your life away for her!” Sehun shouts, throwing a hand in the air. “I’m starting to not be able to recognize you anymore. You’re too busy trying to help her that you don’t know you’re hurting yourself in the process.”

 

“Sehun,” Lu Han calls, voice low and deep. “I’m fine.”

 

“Hyung, she’s unstable,” Sehun grabs his wrist, holding Lu Han in place. “She can be smiling at you at one second, and then screaming at you on the next one—”

 

Lu Han swats his hand away from his grip. “And that’s why I’m trying to fix her.”

 

“There’s something you can’t just fix.”

 

“I don’t believe that.”

 

Sehun breathes out heavily, trying to gain back his patience. “Fine, suit yourself.”

 

“Fine,” Lu Han replies bitterly as well.

 

The cold, awkward tension between them makes them feel too uncomfortable to stay in the same place, but no one bothers to move first. Finally, Sehun stands up from his stool, ready to give them some distance before one of them snaps again.

 

“There’s a difference between love and obsession,” Sehun softly murmurs, placing a hand on Lu Han’s shoulder and gives it a light squeeze. “Be careful. Don’t get them mixed up.”

 

Then he leaves, leaving Lu Han with too many questions he can’t answer.

 

***

 

HAH! Another update! I AM ON FIRE! You should know that I've been listening to this song Clarity (acoustic ver) by Zedd feat Foxes (you guys should DEFINITELY check it out! It's amazingly beautiful and the lyric just screams Cara and Luhan everywhere, I swear to God!) and it makes me want to abandon my thesis and just go and write another chapter for this. You'll know about Cara's past soon enough, don't worry. I'm sorry if you find her to be annoying but Cara really is nothing but kind and you'll see why soon. Luhan is chasing after the right girl, don't you worry hahahaha ;D

oh and I won't be updating this for the next few weeks (but if there's another song that can inspire me, I might, who knows? LOL), but rest assure, my lovelies. I WILL BE POSTING ANOTHER CHAPTER FOR BAEKHYUN'S STORY SOON! Maybe next week, I don't know. It depends on how I can be brave enough to abandon my work again for this hahahaha I have no responsibility as a student, I think my mom should cry right now.

ADIOS! And comments would be lovely :)