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I felt them, her last thoughts; they grew from a simple emotion into powerful images that submerged my mind in a collage of her memories. She knew what was about to happen to her even in her deep slumber she was showing me exactly what she wanted me to know.

I was in my own body in her memories. I did what she remembered me doing – no control over any of my actions. Not even my conscious thoughts as I went back the times when I believed that she was fine and everything was normal: that is, as it could be for a guy like me.

'Just one more step,' I thought to myself absentmindedly as I climbed the steep staircase. Abruptly, my calm ascent was disturbed as sharp pain raced up my right leg. I grimaced reflectively as the pain subsided to a tolerable throbbing.  Undoubtedly someone has twisted their ankle in gym class – again. Carefully, I continued to walk up the stairs, repressing the pulsing pain in my ankle. Along the way to class, I passed by a girl that was in the 12th grade. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. She had just been dumped by her boyfriend. Everyone can see that not just me, a total freak. I could feel an uneasiness rising from my core, the sensation of emptiness and loneliness; the ache of a broken heart. The emotion quieted when I passed her.  I stepped into biology class and walked to my table. Already sitting there was my lab partner, Yoshida Sayuri.

Sayuri turned around when she heard me coming. The movement of her head and shoulders tossed her long, dark hair to one side. She smiled and waved. A rare sense of ease fell over me as I approached her. There was something about her that consoled the demons within my mind. Perhaps it was her naïve sense of wisdom that everything is good in life; or perhaps she has no fear, worry, or discomfort. No matter what the reason is, I knew that I wanted to be there with her, forever. My lips were pulled upwards in a grin at her cheerfulness and pulled my stool out from beneath the lab table, taking a seat beside her.

No! I fought back, momentarily regaining consciousness. I don't want to relive the past... I wanted to spend the last minutes of her life with her!

"So," she began, "how was your day, Changmin-kun*?" Sayuri asked as she took out a small square piece of paper and began to fold it.

"Horrible," I replied, wanting to open up to her. I took out my textbook and skimmed through it, "Somebody just sprained their ankle in gym."

"Really?" she said, "Wow, it must have been painful" she continued to fold the small piece of paper. I didn't reply. She then stopped her paper folding to reveal an expertly crafted paper crane. Taking it by the head and tail, she pulled on it, making the wings flap up and down. A lop-sided smile appeared upon my face.

Sayuri's thoughts continued to stain my consciousness. Despite being overwhelmed by her memories, I could still feel her flame flickering as she walked closer to Death.

We walked towards the small cafe. Sayuri skipped and danced, so carefree, so happy – too innocent.  Her black tresses bounced as she turned in circles, trying to catch the falling snow. Oblivious of the afflictions that would befall her – the inevitable doom she was bound to plunge into – Sayuri continued her joyful march. I walked beside her, having troubles keeping up with her pace.

Though I had Sayuri beside me, my mind was consumed with dark feelings and thoughts. Across the street, a man was mourning the loss of a family member. Then I wondered: a death of a relative would cause me more pain than the agony of living. In front of me, an anxious woman considered a divorce. I consider: how their children are going to cope? Inside the store to my left, a young clerk contemplates on committing suicide. I contemplate: maybe I should do the same. I sighed and quickened my pace to keep up with Sayuri and at the same time, making sure that she did not slip on ice covering the sidewalk.

We walked into a nearby coffee shop and ordered drinks before grabbing a table and sitting down. Sayuri raised her Chai-latte to her lips and took a sip, scalding her tongue.

"Ow," I murmured, Sayuri glanced at me with concern, "don't drink your latte when it's still hot, I can feel it burning my tongue." Sayuri giggled and whispered a quick apology. The cafe was quiet, not many people wanted to come because of the freezing, cold weather created by Mother Nature, knowing this gave my mind a little peace; it meant that I would have to less to endure.

"So Changmin-kun," Sayuri began, while heeding my words and blowing on her Chai-latte in hopes of cooling it before taking another sip, "tell me about your ability. I want to be able to make your life..." She stopped, trying to find the right word, "happier."

Sayuri! Stop it! Stop showing me what I don't want to see!

"Well," I started, "it's hard to explain." I fidgeted, "I was born with this...curse, should I say. It forces me to share the grief, sorrow and, in general, the pain of the people around me. When I was old enough to realize and understand the curse that was bestowed upon me, I told my parents, naturally they tried to help me, but their efforts were meaningless." I stopped, stealing a glance at Sayuri, hoping she would be able to comprehend all of this nonsense: hoping that she won’t judge me by this nonsense. "After that, I became conscious that nothing I did would rid me of this horrible blight. So I went on with life." I spun the spoon around my cup, careful to not make a sound and ruin the silence. Minutes passed in this same fashion; and, as time went on, I began to fear: perhaps my tale has frightened Sayuri. Perhaps I appeared to be a crazy lunatic to her. Have I lost her compassion? Have I lost the only friend I have managed to gain?

"How can you be so calm and not lose your mind?" Sayuri asked, breaking the silence and breaking my worrisome thoughts.  

I didn't reply. I was too shocked of her tone of voice. She sounded… sympathetic and worried.

She pressed on. "What does it feel like?" I stopped spinning the spoon and placed my hands in my lap. She continued to gaze at me with that same concerned expression, that beautiful expression. I took at deep breath, deciding to finally speak my thoughts to someone that finally would want to listen.

"See that man over there?" I asked, pointing to a figure outside the window; he was sitting in a wheelchair, a woman steering it down the sidewalk. "He’s suffering from heart cancer," I said dully, "right now I can feel the burning pain in his limbs, how hard and unbearably painful it is to breathe and how he worries about his family after his eventual death." She glanced at me, taken back by how much I knew and turned back to him, trying to process all the information I had just revealed.  

"That woman over there, with the yellow brooch," I continued, nodding my chin towards the female standing at the cash register, lowering my voice at the same time. "She is having difficulty with her husband and children; she wants to have a divorce. I suffer what she suffers. I feel what she feels, right now she's thinking about her children, how hard it would be on them if she gets a divorce." I took swig of my own drink, now distastefully cold. Sayuri opened her small, round mouth, probably to ask another question.

"Do you know what it feels like? To see someone die before your eyes? To feel the pain, loss, and fear because of Death?" I intercepted. She didn't answer. She lowered her eyes, considering my questions, "I feel it every, single day.” I pointed to a young man sitting inside a vehicle, “That man, inside the car, he has a cousin that was in the army and lost his life." I clenched my fists, "Those lingering emotions are easier to deal with. Sometimes I have to be the one that actually dies. For example, if I was near a car accident with someone dying, I would feel myself dying. The terror and shock of death is almost unbearable!" I cried, my voice quivering. Some people stared at me, as if I was mad. I don't blame them; I am mad: mad and insane. "And when they pass, entering the final darkness, I feel like…like I want to join them. The darkness is...calming and cuts off all other emotions I feel – a great, serene, and comforting blackness. But just for a moment, it never last, no matter how much I wish for it." I gazed into her light hazel eyes as she fixed hers upon my dull brown ones: comforting was this silence, this silence between Sayuri and I. Abruptly, a peal of laughter broke the silence between us. Sayuri laughed loudly, her high, clear voice filling the dead silence that surrounded the small coffee shop. I stared at her questioningly.

“If I laugh,” she started, “could you laugh too, and be happy?”  

“You don’t understand,” I sighed and got up, shaking my head.  

No! No more! The beating of her heart was already slowing down. She was going to die in seconds.

I stared opened mouthed, gaping at the gorgeous scene that sat before me. We were at theShirahama Beach near Aomori, Japan. The sky was pure: no clouds were covering the never-ending, clear surface. At our feet the white sand was warm as it bathed in the sun, further up the clear cerulean waters of the Atlantic Ocean rise and fall in deep majestic waves. I never had given a thought to spending my summer somewhere as astonishing as this.

Beside me, Sayuri took at deep breath of the fresh salty air. She was right, I should have gone on all those school trips.  Being around Sayuri, I learnt that I can block out thoughts that threatened to destroy the vulnerable wall that I created in my mind. The days that I spent with her are the days that will eternally be branded into my memories and I tried not to think about the days that she won't be there. Before her, everything I did didn't have a meaning, everywhere I went was agonizing. Being inside my own home was painful, being outside the house was even worse. But with Sayuri, it was different, she made it less dreadful. I look forward to spending time with her.

We sat down on the sandy beach, quietly enjoying the cool breeze and breath-taking scenery. Suddenly a razor-sharp, piercing, jab punctured my left arm, just below my elbow. I hissed and grabbed my arm. Sayuri jumped to her feet and hopped to my side. Her long black hair wove through the light breeze. The orange sundress she wore swayed with the wind.

"Did someone get hurt, Changmin-kun?" she asked softly, she pried my fingers off and replaced them with her own on my arm. I nodded and took a deep shaky breath, closing my eyes; I took the dark, excruciatingly, painful thought from my mind and pushed it to the deepest, smallest corner of my brain, locking it up. The pain within my left limb subsided. I released a shuddering but relieving sigh. Slowly opened my eyes, I soundlessly gasped in shock. Sayuri face was astonishingly close to my own. Our noses so close to touching, she leaned in a bit more, slowly and cautiously. My heart was pounding, threatening to burst through my rib cage and skin, out my chest. Then I felt her lips lightly touch my cheek. She pulled away gently, a delicate smile danced upon her red lips. I felt the blood rush up to my face, I looked away slightly, casting my eyes upon the blue waters. Sayuri giggled, and stood up, brushing the sand from her dress. I gazed at her through the corner of my eye. Slowly I felt a small smile grace my lips. "Come on," Sayuri said, beckoning me with her small delicate hand, "let's go for a walk".

Everything disappeared; everything in my mind out, going down into dull waves of agony. I knew what had happened, Yoshida Sayuri was dead. I couldn't comprehend all of this. I couldn't accept the fact that she was dead. The nurse forced me get out of the room, because I wasn't a family member. Sayuri's mother is at this moment crying and bawling over her dead daughter. Sayuri's father slammed his fist into the wall, gritting his teeth in attempts to stop himself from sobbing. Even though they knew she was going to die sooner or later, they didn't realize it to be so subtle. The nurse shut the door and went back inside, to comfort the broken family and preserve the corpse. My body felt weak, I couldn't handle being in a hospital anymore. I stumbled my way down the hall and out the door.

The sky was crying, crying for the beautiful life it has lost. I raised my head to the heavens and screamed. "Why did God have to take her away? What has Sayuri done to deserve this!?" People stared, I didn't care, like I did to begin with, nothing mattered anymore. I staggered my way across the street, cars honking and drivers yelling at me to get off the street. People calling me insane, mental, and stupid.

"Is he trying to get himself killed?!" a woman said. I paid no attention to her and just continued to walk. Then I heard a louder more vivid honking and turned my head, before me a car was out of control, couldn't stop, it was going to hit me. I slowly shut my eyes and waited. Readily, I waited for death. An image of Sayuri's face flashed behind my closed eyelids. She smiled at me, opening her arms and welcoming me into Death. I grinned back at her, and then, my world plunged into the depths of Oblivion.

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*kun – a Japanese honourific used on males of younger age or to describe familiarity and romantic relations

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| Always Keep the Faith |