^^

Noises- low whispering voices that were slowly becoming clearer as he tries to focus his senses to it. That was what he first sensed upon slowly gaining consciousness. Then next comes the scent of the place where he is. He can smell flowers nearby but the strong scent of ammonia surrounding the area was somehow overpowering the sweet fragrance coming from the flowers. That definitely had the fullest of his attention so he concentrated further as he tries to move a muscle and without much difficulty he was successful to make a finger of him move. Right then he heard someone gasped and heavy footsteps started moving closer to where he is.

“Baby?” he heard a very familiar voice calling him, “Donghae honey can you hear me? It’s mom” and then comes the sound of sobbing, “Donghae please open your eyes, honey please wake up,” he could feel her warmth as his mother’s hand cupped his face.

Mom? The word echoed inside his head, the thought of his mom crying was making him feel guilty but most of all worried, what is happening? The next thing he tried is to open his eyes, exactly what his mom was asking him to do. It was quite hard at first for he felt like his whole body was aching and was suddenly so heavy but then he was positive that he just made it when a small patch of light slowly invades his vision.

“Oh my God-” her mom paused only to let a sob escape, “Donghae?” His mom’s voice was a mixture of happiness and relief after seeing her son’s eyes slowly opening into slits, she quickly planted a kiss on his forehead “Donghae honey can you hear me? Mom will just call the doctor okay? I’ll be right back I’ll just go get the doctor,” her voice was trembling as she darted off the room, half running while calling out for the doctor.

The color white greeted him back, he heaved a sigh tearing his gaze from the white ceiling and moving his eyes to the right corner of the room. Slowly his vision was getting a clearer picture of the place where he was, a hospital. Almost everything was painted white aside from the faded green curtains hanging by the window, even the roses on the table beside his bed are white. From the right side of the room he slowly turns his head to the left where a basket of flower arrangement is also present, blue balloons with prints such as ‘We miss you’ and ‘Get well soon!’ were tied on the handle. He was about to pull the corner of his lips into a smile after seeing Jessica, Krystal and Jaejoong’s name written on one of the balloons and that is when he remembered the very reason of why he was in that place.

He started having flashbacks of everything that happened on the night of the incident.  His sight became blurry and his eyes started to water, he could feel air panting between his teeth as he tries to breathe through his mouth. He was alive and yes he was safe, but what about them? What about him? He thought. Biting his lips as he tried to prevent himself from crying too loud isn’t quite a good idea for after a few seconds he tasted blood as his teeth sank deep in his lower lip, causing it to bleed. But the emotional pain he was feeling was too much to even feel such physical pain, clutching the bed sheet with his hands he started letting everything out, he cried louder this time, uncaring of how pathetic he might seemed to look, he cried out loud with his shoulders shaking; noisy sobbing, he doesn’t care any less, thinking that he might die if he won’t let everything out.

When her mother came back in the room with the doctor and some nurses she was alarmed to see her son’s lips bleeding and was crying in what she thought was because of pain. She rushed towards her son and enveloped him in a comforting embrace, with an effort of trying not to squish Donghae too much. Her panic only subsided after the doctor told her that what was happening to her son was normal for people who had undergone a traumatic experience. The doctors had only had time to check Donghae’s condition right after the blonde’s sobbing went to a stop. Donghae silently watched as they injected something on the tiny tube which was connected in his arms, later on he felt suddenly calm. Then they replaced every bandages covering his skinny, bruised body. He’s been quite cooperative as he nodded and shook his head every time the doctor asked him questions, though, he won’t talk. He can’t bring himself to talk for he doesn’t have the slightest idea on what he must say first, should it be about him? Or should it be about other people? Like his mom or his friends or him?

And then after an hour of observation and check-up the doctor with some of the nurse started leaving the room. “Do you happen to know the reason of why I’m here?” Donghae was staring at the opened window across the bed, it was nearly dawn. Though Donghae knew that he should say something like an apology to his mom; something that he badly wanted to do for making his mother experience the greatest disappointment in her life- but the words that came out of the boy’s mouth was different, his voice was low and maybe if it wasn’t so eerily quiet in the room his mom wouldn’t be able to hear his words.

His mother who was sitting beside the bed slightly nodded in response, “Maybe, I guess I do” she replied, her voice was calm, full of concern.

“So how did the story went?” he said. His eyes, unmoving from the dull scenery outside the window.

His mother inhaled deeply, trying her best not to make the tiny smile on her face disappear. “A car accident they say. You and your friends are on your way home when you’ve been chased by another car, unfortunately you children weren’t very lucky to escape the chase.” She exhaled heavily, “The three of you were already dying, you, you almost die-” she held her breath, the smile on her lips faded as she tries to prevent herself from crying again.

Donghae dropped his gaze, not wanting to see her mother’s pained expression, he stared at the gashes on his arms instead, “We were dying…” he repeated, “I almost died but it didn’t happen so none of us will, because I didn’t die, I live, and so they will,” he said as if the words were meant for himself, to make himself believe that Hyukjae and Sohee are also doing fine. Why can’t he just ask about them? Because he’s scared that he will not like what he might hear.

Her mom reached for his hands, giving it a gentle squeeze, “The doctors are doing their best to save the life of your friends just like what they did to save you, maybe all we could do right now is to put our faith in their hands” she told him.

He looked up to her mom as he let the question out, “My friends how are they?” his voice sounds suddenly anxious, his grip on her mother’s hand tightened a bit.

“The boy-”

 “You mean Hyukjae?” Donghae on what seems to be because of the nervousness he was feeling, wanted his mom to speak of the story with clarity, which includes saying the names of those involved.

Her mom was staring straight in his eyes as if reading something into them, or rather had read something into his eyes that had caught her attention, “Yes, him” she said, “He’s a pretty strong boy. His heartbeat failed twice but he’s really fighting for his life, actually he was the first one among the three of you who woke up first” she told him in a –matter-of-fact way.

Donghae’s mouth went wide as he tries to say something, but his mom didn’t gave him the chance to speak as she continued on what she was saying. “But that happened two days ago.” she interjected,  “Then after that his heartbeat kept on failing.”

“How long had he stayed awake then?”

She shook her head, “Not quite long though, he only opened his eyes for a few seconds then he went back into unconsciousness.  And as for Ms. Ahn Sohee, well, her condition’s not far from Hyukjae, though she hasn’t waken up yet.”

Donghae took a deep breath as he stared down on his mother’s thin hands intertwined with his, so my boyfriend as well as Sohe’s life is still in danger, he thought. Then he remembered something her mom just said a while ago, “Wait,” he held his head up again “You said Hyukjae had gained consciousness two days ago, then how long have I been unconscious then?”

“You’ve been here in the hospital for three days,” she replied, her voice sounds tired.

Then it was silent after that.

“I am so sorry Mom. This must be difficult for you, to be dealing with the result of my carelessness. You don’t deserve to have a son like me” He cannot bear to look straight at his mother as he said those words of apology, he just felt ashamed of himself.

His mother held him at the chin and gently turned his face too look at her, “Honey don’t say that. I love you so much to even let a single mistake wave all my love for my son.” A smile slowly appeared on her pale but beautiful face.

Donghae returned the smile; if that is how you call twitching the corner of your lips a little sideways, “How’s dad? Is he here? I bet he’s mad” he inquired.

His question made her mother laugh a little, he was glad hearing the sound of her laughter for he missed it so much. “Yes, your father has been here. He was accompanying me of course in looking after you. But he has his other responsibilities, so leaving is inevitable.”

“Business?” Donghae asked to which his mother replied with a nod, “He must be mad right? For what I’ve put myself into” he repeated his unanswered question earlier.

“Men think and judge differently, and they feel differently. But you should also remember that he’s not just a man, he’s a father. He is your father, he’s not just any random man to give judgments to you.” his mother explained.

“So he’s not mad?” Donghae’s voice inclined a little.

“Maybe it’s safe to say that he’s trying not to be mad. He’s much more worried you know” she replied. “Well and speaking about him, I already called home and told the households to inform your father that you are finally awake.” His mother gave him a gentle tap in the hand before rising from the chair and busied herself by making tea.

“I want to see them” Donghae spoke up.

“Only Sohee’s family is allowed to see the girl. Strictly no random people or even friends.” Her mother’s voice was apologetic.

“Then I want to see Hyukjae, I know his dad and I know his brother Kyuhyun. I’m sure they’ll let me see him, please mom, I want to see how he’s doing” he paused only to breath from his panic, worried that the Lee’s might not also allowing other people to visit Hyukjae. “Please? Let me see him” his eyes were pleading.

His mother’s facial expression suddenly changed, her lips forming a line, she held her stare steady at him, “I’m sorry but I don’t think I can let you see him,” she replied, “Or to be anywhere near that boy” her voice was full of authority now which made Donghae froze on his place, looking all confused.

Donghae let out an exhale through his mouth, “W-why? Why are you suddenly acting like this mom, is there something wrong?”

His mother’s eyes widened a bit as if he just said something out of logic, “You know why, he’s one of the reasons you almost died, he and his friends. Aren’t you supposed to be mad at him? Because Donghae I am mad at him, at them, for doing this to you-”

“No mom, you don’t understand” he cut her off, “It’s not Hyukjae’s fault, so please spare him from all the blame. I was there and I know what happened. He might be the one driving the car we’re riding but it’s no longer his fault when a bunch of psychopaths happened to want to kill us.” His head started to ache but he didn’t pay any attention to it.

“I’ve checked his records in school, he’s a complete troublemaker. And I’ve seen his friends, though they were the ones who helped rushing the three of you in the hospital, but, unquestionably not the right people to hang out with.” She cocked her head to the side, when Donghae tore his gaze from her, “What had possibly entered your mind for making friends with a person like that? I’m sorry for my sudden change of mood but I cannot help it Donghae,”

“I don’t care about his bad records, he doesn’t know what he was doing before. He’s a changed person now. But above all he’s my friend and I care about him.”

“Like what I said earlier, no, you can’t see him” his mother’s voice speaks of finality.

Donghae shook his head ,“But mom he’s my friend.”

Her mother stopped stirring in the tea cup, exhaled deeply as she gripped the edge of the table where she seems to be releasing her rising temper, “I know and I am telling you, stay away from him.”

“You can’t expect me to do that”

“And why not? I am your mother so listen to me” She was staring straight at her son, looking half warningly and half pleading.

“Why can’t you understand, I just can’t abandon him,” He knows that it will be difficult to explain, he knows that explaining the reason why also requires revealing his true self.

This time it was her mother shaking her head, “He’s just a friend Donghae, for Christ’s sake you have lots of friends back home!”

“He’s not just a friend, he’s more than that to me” His shoulders dropped low, his head bent down and his eyes shut as he gathered all his strength.

“Donghae-“

“No. Mom listen to me please.” He gently cut her sentence off and slowly opens his eyes but didn’t dared to look at his mother. “No matter how this might sounds like I am still your Donghae,” he exhaled as he continues, “I will not abandon Hyukjae, I cannot abandon him for he is my significant other. And he needs me, my boyfriend needs me.”He was surprised with how brave and steady he sounded like, but still a coward for he cannot bare to glance up to see her mother’s expression. “I-I’m sorry” Donghae could only spoke of apology after a long silence.

Then his mother had finally spoken, “So it’s true then,”

Her reaction made Donghae quickly look at her direction, eyes widening in surprise “What is true? Don’t tell me that-”

“How could you!” His mother snapped, “I am your mother how can I not know! All these times I’ve been hoping that I was wrong, that my suspicions were nothing but false. ” her beautiful pale face contorted as she cried in front of her son.

“But I am still your son, nothing’s changed” he tried comforting her but failed as her mother hurriedly stepped out of the room and was left alone without leaving a word. A few minutes later a nurse entered the room with a smile on her face and said that she’ll be in-charge in looking after his condition. When he tried asking about his mother the nurse only told him that his mother was checking for the results of his check up that morning.

--

He stirred into his sleep when he felt that the there’s someone blocking the sunlight coming through the open window across his bed. The light on his room was off except from the small lamp at his bedside table which is not helping him at all to see who his visitor is, the only light was coming from the window but then his visitor was blocking his only source of good light. There’s a painful pounding in his head as the pain killer given to him earlier seems to be waving off. He squinted his eyes to make a better view of the person standing by the foot of his bed. It was a man, one thing he was sure of just by the short cropped hair he possesses. It was hard to see his face for his back was facing the bright window thus his features were being concealed by the shadows.

His head was really aching so when the man flashed a wide smile at him he wasn’t sure if he just indeed smiled at him or, maybe, he was hallucinating. But then the man laughed a little and just by hearing the sound of his laughter the pounding in his head suddenly stopped and when the man opened his mouth and let his voice be heard at last, Donghae froze on his place. “I’m disappointed, it’s only been a week and it seems like you cannot recognize my face any longer”

It’s because you’re standing against the light you idiot, Donghae wanted to retort but he felt weak all over. All he can do is to stare, a strong sense of longing creeping up his veins.

His visitor turned his heels around as he reached for the curtain and pushed it aside so more light can enter the room. Donghae thought that turning on the lights will be much helpful but he didn’t dared to suggest any way. The man sighed heavily before he sat on the foot of the bed, his back facing Donghae.

“Please come closer,” Donghae requested but the man shook his head in response.

“I was allowed to talk to you but I don’t think I should be closer,” he replied.

Donghae frowned he wanted to see him more clearly or even to take hold of him and feel his warmth but he put his desires aside as he responded “Too bad I wasn’t at your side when you finally woke up. I will want to be there you know,” Donghae said.

“Yeah, I think you should have been there.” He replied short, and Donghae felt the corner of his lips lifting into a smile.

“I missed you” Donghae said in a voice filled with relief and love.

The other guy nodded his head in agreement, “Of course, I missed you too.” He sighed deeply before he continued on, “And I will miss you more Donghae” he replied in a voice filled with love and sadness.

Donghae tried to chuckle but failed, “What do you mean you will miss me? Is there any reason for us to miss one another more?”

The man tried to turn his head around, in an attempt to look at Donghae but then he stopped himself, sighed, and bowed his head as he spoke “I think you should go back, to your school, to your family and to your friends. There’s nothing for you here but trouble. You can’t be here Donghae”

Donghae stiffened upon hearing what the other just said but he was fast to recover and his voice trembles as he tried to sound brave, “Wow, just wow,  and when have you thought of that? After waking up? Tell me what is this all about. You can’t be serious! So you’re telling me you want me away? Gone to your life?”

“No. I want myself gone by your side, erased  in your life.”

“Who told you this? Is it my parents? Come on won’t you even fight for me?” He knows that he sounds pathetic just by asking him to fight for their love, but it’s the truth and it’s what he wants the both of them to do.

The other guy only shook his head, his shoulders slumping low as he placed both his elbows on his knee. “I want you safe and happy and so you’re going back and it’s final.” The man raised himself up from the bed and turned around to face Donghae and even though there were still shadows hiding half of his face Donghae can tell that he is sad.

“Stop. Don’t!”  Donghae protested as the man started walking closer to him. He closed his eyes hard for he cannot endure the sight of the man walking near him. He can’t bear to see his face or to even let his skin touch the other’s. It scares him thinking that it will be the last and that he will grow on missing him to death.

“You’ll always have my heart but I can’t trap you in my love forever” He whispered to Donghae. Donghae flinched when he felt the other’s touch the back of his hand, his skin was soft but cold.

Donghae forbidding himself from opening his eyes later on felt hot tears running down his cheeks, “Hyukjae” he said the man’s name with all the love he has for him and he was rewarded with a kiss on the mouth in exchange of saying the name of the man he loves so dearly.

And that is as always how his dream will began to fade away. By saying his name or by having a short glimpse of his face… that’ll be when he’ll start waking up either gasping or screaming Hyukjae’s name out loud. It’s been a week of having the same dream over and over again but still cannot tell whether it is real or just a dream every time he’ll have it all over again.

“God, please help me. I think I’m going insane I need to see him” he mumbles. His mother was being difficult on him and was always ready to say “no” when he started bringing up Hyukjae in their topic. He just found out that the schools are already having their final test and so he will not be expecting any visitor because his friends are surely busy studying but he received a message from Kyuhyun that he’ll be coming at the hospital again by the end of the week to see him. And with that he was thankful, finally someone he could talk to. He’s still unaware of what happened on the night of the accident, his mother only opened it up once but he has still lots of questions in mind.

His line of thoughts broke when he felt that some parts of his body are starting to ache again and therefore will be needing more pain killers. He sighed as he reached for the button atop his bedside table but later on found himself not pressing the button, hesitating. He shook his head as he prevents himself from asking for any medication for the side effects will only put him back to sleep again and he doesn’t want to deal with the dream again. A thought entered his mind, that if Hyukjae is still fighting for his life he must be in a much greater pain compared to him. What is a little sacrifice of feeling some pain to avoid having bad dreams? He thought. Staring at the ceiling, with his eyes wide open he let his mind give him images of the happy times he wanted to go back to. Drowning himself with thoughts had set aside what pain he was feeling at the moment, keeping himself from sleeping thus keeping the terrible dream away.

-----

T___T I know i've been annoying and lazy and uncaring after leaving without a word (sighs) but the word "sorry" always have it's charm LOL

I was in a hurry to post this, supposedly a double update but i changed my mind  X) it needs more editing. It . 

I am copy-pasting this from my previous mtosh update:

"Hmm.. so how should I start explaining.. maybe I'll just keep it short i guess? XD
I was  frustrated 3 months ago (about some things I cannot say) and I can't really decide if i should continue writing or not. Honestly I have not been that serious when I started writing everything up, all i want to do is to write and make myself busy and pre-occupied. But things change and people grow and your responsibilty widens. But it doesn't mean I'll abandon what I've started. And that is why I'm back ^^
so.. that's it!  "

Internship (work) requires moving from one place to another. I only get to go online if the place we stopped by has a decent internet connection/wifi. Honestly I rarely go online because of this. 

i a m r e a l l  y s o r r y . i l o v e y o u g u y s .  i m i s s e v e r y o n e a n d  a t h o u s a n d t h a n k y o u s t o a l l! 

@thelazydumpling