변화 (Ontae)

Protecting Steel Hearts

 

 

 

Taemin was done with staying in the attic, today. He was way too bored and felt way too suffocated in there now. No one was home, so he could just go downstairs and no one would know. Mom wasn’t home and Jinki was at school.

He grabbed his pastel-colored baby blanket and opened the hatch of the basement, carefully maneuvering himself down without his socks getting caught on the wood.

His breathing shook a little, sort of afraid if some intruder was home and would tell on Jinki that he left the attic. Jinki was really not in the mood lately for Taemin’s mistakes, and Taemin was surely not willing to find out what Jinki would do or say if he knew.

And yet, Taemin still took the risk of getting caught.

He crawled through the small space, clutching the blanket tightly in his right fist, his little jaw clenched as the light kept fading away.

He was scared of the dark in small spaces; it was like the walls were closing in on him so the sunlight wasn’t allowed through. He never really thought about what dying was like, but he knew what panic was like.

His head bumped on the door and he jumped, hitting his back on the roof and freaking out, his baby blanket being strangled by his fists as he moved around in panic, muffling his fear with his closed mouth, feeling all around him.

Were the walls really closing in on him?!

His hands desperately searched for the knob on the door, sliding everywhere, his tiny fists beating on the door, his baby blanket breathing as it was left on the ground.

  “Lemme out, lemme out,” Taemin panicked, still searching for the knob.

  “There!”

He gripped the knob and pushed the door, falling out of the hole in the wall on his side.

Taemin yelped when he felt the level difference, getting up quickly only for his head to meet the arrangements of clothing. He only panicked for a short second until he recognized what he was feeling. Coats weren’t bad.

He searched the hole for his baby blanket and tore it out of there, moving the coats out of the way, seeing light at the bottom of the door. He searched for the knob again, probably too short for it, but that’s what jumping was for.

What wasn’t helping was the dark and his eyes weren’t adjusting. Was he going blind?

The boy felt relieved when the knob was found after intense reaching and managed to twist it before he had to get off his toes.

He peeked through the crack of the door to the beige hallway lit by the sunlight. It was inviting and welcoming to say the least, but Taemin still had a worm crawling through his mind telling him it wasn’t a good idea to disobey Jinki.

Jinki would give Taemin more discipline after the last couple weeks—from his sudden mood change.

As much as the little worm wanted to dominate, Taemin’s rebel was stronger.

He gained the courage to open the door, taking his first steps into the hallway since a long time. At least a full year.

He slowly walked the hallway, afraid the floor would creek and he’d find out his mother would be actually home.

The first door he wanted to open was Jinki’s. Jinki was often downstairs, so maybe he’d changed the way it look since the last time Taemin saw it. He was only curious.

He forced the door opened and took a gander around. What made Taemin upset was that it didn’t change. It was still a colorless room without any decoration on the walls. Just a dresser and a bed, nothing else found. Cobwebs swirled in the room’s corners and dust collected on the dresser and bed sheets.

Taemin felt bad that Jinki spent his time up in the attic instead of his room. If he wasn’t around, maybe something as simple as Jinki’s room would look better. He could only wish.

He went to his mother’s room, seeing her room was untouched, yet the bed was unmade. Taemin saw the bed was really large, like it could fit a ton of people on it. Why would his mother’s bed be so big? Especially when she never sleeps in it?

He could soon smell something bitter and gross to his nose and his eyes set on the bottles on her nightstand, knocked over and on the rug was a dark stain. She was here recently.

He closed the door, not letting himself get absorbed as to what was on the floor. He wanted to see his own room; what it looked like after so long.

He turned and walked down the hallway, passing by the stairs, staring at the bottom. He could see the front door and a little bit of the kitchen on the left and the living room on the right. It was a contrast to the upstairs hallway. The warm, inviting hallway against the dark and dingy downstairs.

He reached for his doorknob as soon as he came to the door, pushing it open and taking a look at the room he hadn’t set foot in for so long.

The room was still painted blue and his cradle was still there in the corner, dust collecting on the barriers. His more recent bed, a very small one with attachable barriers on the floor beside it. His bed was still made with a train blanket of his favorite toy train character.

There were three dressers full of things Taemin didn’t even know were. He never opened them or bothered to look. He doesn’t even remember having them, either.

He walked inside, grabbing his blanket with both hands as he explored the inside of his room, barely remembering a single thing about it.

What he could remember was the windows at both ends of the room on the same wall. He could remember that, because they were so low, he could look out them to the back, seeing another house.

He felt the ledges, not remembering their texture, not remembering his own hands on them before, really not remembering anything. Maybe he was just too young.

He went to his bed, his hand tracing the black outlining of the train character on the blanket. The more he stared, the more he didn’t like the character and that was something truly lost. He could really remember loving this train, but now it just creeped him out how big its eyes were and how unrealistically large the smile was.

But he sat on it, slightly smiling that it was bouncy.

  “Better than a floor,” he breathed, bouncing on it.

He chuckled and ran his hand over the blanket again, setting his baby blanket on the pillow.

  “A lot better than the floor,” he nodded, swinging his feet to the bed.

He’ll just stay a little longer.

 

Jinki walked about the driveway, wishing he would walk the other way, once again. He wasn’t ready to be home. Maybe he should’ve just walked to the park to steal some time away.

But Taemin had to be hungry and that was his responsibility.

  “Hey, boy?”

Jinki cringed, turning at the paper-thin voice.

The old lady was crossing the street, a younger woman (still gray in the hair) holding her hand to help her across.

  “Yes, ma’am?” he straightened his posture, bowing his head.

  “I haven’t seen your brother upstairs all day,” she smiled, but her eyebrows showed worry, “Usually he’s looking out the window. Is he sick today?”

Jinki could’ve knocked himself sideways. He knew he should’ve woken Taemin up before he went to school today, to check if he was okay or not. But his usual bad mood stopped him from putting up with the effort. If Taemin was sick it would be his fault and his brother would be crying by now . . .

  “He didn’t sleep well last night,” Jinki smiled. It wasn’t technically a lie, though. Taemin doesn’t like sleeping anymore, but just stares out the window, still claiming he’s staring the ‘stars’ in the dark sky. Maybe he was sleep deprived. Maybe Jinki needed to start rebooting himself and start caring for Taemin like he usually should.

  “The poor boy,” the old woman’s smile faded, “Does he ever leave that room?”

  “Of course,” Jinki now lied, “I can’t keep him up there.”

The younger woman stepped in, “What about your mother? Coming back with a stagger in her step?”

  “She gets tipsy easily,” Jinki didn’t lie, but neither does his mother just go to drink a little to get ‘easily tipsy’, “Don’t worry, it’s nothing of concern.”

The eldest nodded again, the smile up on her sagged face as she reached out for his arm, “You’re a good boy. A good brother to him. What was your name?”

Jinki slowly removed her hand, not trying to be impolite, “Jinki.”

  “And your brother, Jinki?”

Jinki sheepishly looked away, “Taemin.”

The woman nodded again, patting his arm, “Such good boys.”

She turned around and brought the younger woman with her. Her and Jinki bowed in goodbyes.

Jinki hurried his feet and quickly unlocked the door, his heavy steps making loud noises on the stairs as he let his bookbag off his shoulders and had it fly back down.

He faced the closet door and froze. The door was open.

Did his mother figure out where he hid Taemin?

  “Tae?” Jinki called, diving into the closet, finding the hiding hole open too, scrambling inside and climbing to the open hatch door, “Taemin?”

The attic was abandoned.

Jinki hopped into the room, searching all over for any signs of struggle; like his mother forced Taemin down.

He searched all around and found that even Taemin’s baby blanket was missing. Taemin took it with him.

  “What did she do, oh my god,” Jinki panicked, going back down the hatch and waddling on his knees out the hole. Taemin wasn’t in the attic and the only solution was his mother came home, sober or drunk, and found the hole on accident because Taemin surely wouldn’t leave the attic. He wasn’t that stupid of a child.

If his mother found him, anything could go so completely wrong. His mother could’ve been most likely drunk and Taemin could be in a huge amount of trouble. His life could’ve been in danger, to say the least, and Jinki felt himself tremble at the thought.

He needed to protect Taemin. Without Taemin, Jinki would be a complete mess on his own. Even though it was hard to take care of the younger, Jinki couldn’t stand a life without his baby brother.

He fell out the hole, scrambling on the floor to his feet as he swung open his mother’s door, finding no one inside. He checked his own room, but still untouched.

He went to Taemin’s old room, finding the door opened such a smidge, and Jinki was partially at rest.

He opened the door all the way, relief flooding all over when he saw the toddler cuddled up to his baby blanket on his baby bed.

  “Dear god, Taemin,” Jinki breathed, not sure if he could even put the effort into being mad or irritated with him. He was just glad his mother didn’t see him.

He didn’t know why he wanted to be angry; to just yell at Taemin and scold him for disobeying. It wasn’t like him to do that. Not at all. But he just couldn’t be. He just felt more content than anger.

Jinki went around the bed, going on his knees to be at Taemin’s level, watching the boy sleep with his blanket covering the lower of his face.

  “I’m so sorry,” Jinki whispered, brushing the hair out of the boy’s face. Jinki didn’t realize how long it was getting, “I’m so sorry for doing this to you.”

The toddler pulled the blanket under his chin, speaking a tiny bit of gibberish in his sleep, just barely making out ‘Mom’.

Jinki kept treading his fingers through the boy’s long hair, his emotions getting the best of him, his chin starting to quiver at the guilt of his actions.

He thought putting Taemin in the attic was the best of all actions. No one would be involved, no one would be in trouble, Taemin would remain safe. Safe and with him.

He’s taken Taemin away from the outside world, even the inside of his house. Taemin was so restricted and it could cause so many more problems as he’d grow older.

  “I’m being the worst,” Jinki breathed, wiping his eye with his arm.

His own behavior was terrible towards Taemin. It’s just that, with Mom, school, Minho, and even just himself, he was putting up with it all and he just felt like quitting. So he grew so irritable and mean towards Taemin. And Taemin put up with that.

But Jinki just couldn’t juggle the items anymore. His mom was still on his about Taemin’s whereabouts and her drinking still put a mark on his face. Minho was solid about his decision and it made Jinki feel awful that he must’ve done something to make Minho choose. He thought before that it hadn’t bothered him, but really, it was still on his mind. And just with himself. He felt awful all the time and his mood was always dragged down. He felt like he was in hiding more than he ever had before. Lying about his brother, his uality, his life, his everything. He was tired out and struggling.

But he had to relearn how to put up with it all. Taemin deserved a much better brother than the one he was being now.

  “Let’s go,” Jinki whispered, wiping his eyes before picking up Taemin and cradling him to his chest, taking him out of the room.

Instead of the closet, forcing Taemin to wake up and crawl, Jinki opened his room door, setting him down on his bed before going to lock his door.

The younger moved a little to adjust to the new bed, finding himself comfortable on his stomach. Jinki slightly chuckled, taking off his shoes and joining Taemin, cuddling the younger to his chest.

  “I’m really sorry, buddy,” Jinki apologized, “I’ve been the worst for a long time. I never meant to be so awful to you. You know that’s not like me. You must’ve been so confused with me, haven’t you? I’ll change back, I promise.

  “I’m just . . . really out of it, you know?” Jinki put his chin on top of Taemin’s head, “There’s so much I’ve got to do, to put up with, to accept. . . And you got caught in my web of emotion. I’m so stupid sometimes, I’m sorry.

  “I’ll take you out more often, how does that sound? Good. We’ll go to the park tomorrow, you should like that. You haven’t been there for a long time.

  “We can’t invite Minho, though,” he said the name with clenched teeth, “Minho’s really busy and can’t see me anymore. But it’s okay. We’ll find another friend to hang out with. What’s important is that you’re going to be happier from now on, or so I can hope. Because I love you.”

Jinki pulled his fingers though the younger’s hair again, holding him close, feeling an odd fear that he and Taemin were so detached.

He was going to attach himself to Taemin again and he won’t release him ever again. He needed to remember why he’d been happy for years despite how Jinki had been wronged. He needed to remember how he forgot how he’d been wrong and just look forward to tomorrow. How he loved Taemin and was willing to risk his life for the younger.

He needed to push past his selfishness. Push past thinking about only himself.

He was destined to be in these situations and needed to face them.

 

 

Because if there was something you didn’t like, you could change it.

And, well, if you couldn’t change it. . .

You just need to change your attitude about it.

For the sake of everyone.

 

 

 

----Note~----

Hi.

I wanted to procrastinate on the AP work, and well, it's been a while.

I don't know why I wanted to write this specifically, but, I don't know. I've been listening to a lot of sentimental music and game LPs, so I just... I don't know.

I'm not sure how it really turned out, but I'm happy it's seven pages long. I can't believe I managed that this time.

The title is named Byeonhwa. Meaning 'Change' in Korean (or so I've checked up). It's got a lot of different meanings inthis chapter to both Taemin and Jinki. From situation, to attitude, to appearance.

Idk why I'm going deep. I usually hate that kind of stuff where words 'Go beyond the text'.

But I'm just really sentimental right now.

I hope everyone enjoys the chapter.

Thank you to all views, comments, and subs. <3

~FlaMinhoe

/////barely edited/////

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FlaMinhoe
News: Chapter 14 will be Onew's perspective.

Comments

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tokkidubo
#1
Chapter 7: Es muy triste por en realidad asi es en Korea la homoualidada como una enfermedad (T_T)
tokkidubo
#2
Chapter 5: Es muy lindo y triste.
tofuhooo
#3
Hello. :)
ummm, I'm confused where to start. ?? but first, I want to say I really like this story. storyline, language style, and everything. ❤ I fell in love with this story. sorry, because I just found it this time, and read it. (/~\) But, I'm very sad. Because you decided not to continue this story. :"(
But, yeah, I appreciate your decision. :)
But can I ask? Can I give a suggestion? Please continue the story of Onew & Minho. ? I am very sad because their story is not finished. :( Can you make a further story? Sorry, not meant to force. It's just that, I want to know the continuation of the story. :")
Sorry, if my message is too long and sorry for my bad English. ?
Have a nice day. :)
AlwaysByMySide
#4
Chapter 21: Hugs
AlwaysByMySide
#5
Chapter 21: Hugs
StayOnyou
#6
Chapter 20: Okay now i'm curious what will happen to jinki and minho's relationship o.O I just want them to be happy uh ;-;
iluvcutestuffandidky
#7
Chapter 19: oh god kibum's little heart is going to be broken sooooo bad
hope suicide doesnt happen
and that jongkye will get back together
and and and just dont kill of anyone please
or ill cry my little heart out and just look at jongkey pics on tumblr and eat till in fat and cant move anymore
and maybe cry a little more
pinkwlgirl #8
Chapter 19: Oh I hate it when Jongkey starting to be far away from each other. I think it'll break Kibum's heart T.T
Update soon please~~~
jjongluvbummie
#9
Chapter 18: thanks u updated.liked it
rawranarchy #10
Chapter 18: Awww. This is a really great update! Thank you! I hope Minho gets jealous with Joon in the picture now! Jinki deserves to be happy!