When I think about it, it was never because he wanted to.

When I think about it, I always wished for it.

When I think about it, he never agreed to it.

When I think about it,

I was selfish.

I looked into Death’s face and flinch.

“Kibum-ah! I really need to talk to you about something. Please be serious." I pleaded to my one, and only best friend left.

Normally, I would’ve smiled and joked with him, but this time, there was business to get to. He stopped telling his new joke, the smile on his face sliding off into a look of concern.

“I’m going to die soon.” I deadpan but even as I said it, I could feel myself wanting to laugh at the cheesiness of it all. My life had become a drama like the ones I made fun of on screen. It seemed as though Kibum didn’t know how to react, after all, we had both wished upon a star for my recovery everyday.

But it was too much and the stars could not help me.

When I was ten years old, my wish was to be like Kibum, to be stronger and to be able to see my family every single day.

Now I was fifteen and my wish was to get away from needles, to be happy, to be with Kibum every single day.

He looked at me and shook his head incredulously, "Are you serious?"

And he was gone. I cried for the back of the boy I loved; he didn’t understand.

Oh baby, please don’t say it’s painful
I told you I love you, please don’t leave me like this

Kibum came back to visit a few days later, but he was different.

This time, he didn’t laugh or entertain me, he didn't smile as he usually did.

There were no imitations of Hyung Joon oppa's dancing and there was no sharing of funny stories of school.

There were no expectations of applause, and there was no need for me to clap.

I always clapped.

Kibum wasn’t grinning expectedly at me this time, he was standing just inside the doorway, as still as a tree on a calm day.

I stared at the swirl on the top of his head and wondered what he was thinking.

“Why didn’t you take the surgery?”, he blurted out and winced at his own abruptness.

“Because I believe that my wish will come true.”

Such an impossible wish…

Scared (I’m scared)
I’m afraid of words that hurt me
I felt it (I know)
Your eyes have changed
(Your actions and tones)

Perhaps he forgot about me, perhaps he was simply too busy.

But, after that visit, Kibum only came to see me once; it was on the day when he was accepted as a trainee.

And I was so happy. Kibum was smiling and I was smiling; perhaps the stars had told Him of my wish

and I would get better now? I needed to see Kibum's success.

It seems you can’t find me here (come on)
Even if I don’t know why (come on)
Reaching out without even noticing
Don’t leave me, come on

It had been my wish to get better and I believed in the stars. After all, stars live in heaven with Him right?

I believed in my faith and it was my tenet.

However, wish's need wishibility, and mine had none.

I walked into His waiting arms and wept.

Kibum visits me often nowadays and talks to me about his life.

I live through his stories and I smile with the stars from my very own place in the heavens.