I spent all morning at the hospital with Key and Taemin. By the time lunchtime came around, I had just become aware of the fact that Taemin hadn't eaten anything since he was admitted here.

We'd been chatting as casually as we could, but I could tell all three of us were trying to avoid any conversation about Taemin's current position.

"That's so not true!" Key's voice brought me out of my thoughts. He was laughing at whatever Taemin just jokingly accused him of, but I hadn't been paying attention, so I don't really know what this conversation was even about.

When Key scoffed and sat back in his seat, I spoke. "Hyung, do you want something to eat? It's time for lunch."

Taemin's small smile shrunk a bit more, and he shook his head. "No thanks, Kai. I'm fine right now."

I smiled, hoping it would help in convincing him that he needed to eat something. "I know hospital food is nasty, but if you want, I could go pick something up from somewhere else and bring it back here?" I offered.

"I'm actually feeling a bit sick, I'm sorry," he declined again.

I grimaced. "It's probably because you don't have anything in your stomach."

"He's right," Key interjected. "Taem, you're not feeling well because you have nothing in your body but drugs right now. It'll help if you have something to eat." I was glad that Key was agreeing with me. Taemin trusted Key; they'd known each other for much longer.

Taemin sighed and leaned his head back onto his pillow. "What do you want to eat?" I pushed.

"I can't Kai, I don't want to," he protested.

"Why? You'll feel better after," I pouted.

He opened his eyes and sighed again, louder this time. "I- I can't," he complained, looking as if he were going to start crying if we pushed him any more.

Key frowned and put his hand on Taemin's stomach over the blanket. "Why not? Is it that bad?" he asked in a motherly tone, and if I didn't see it before, I could definitely see the mother-son relationship they had going on.

Taemin shook his head though, and then to his side so he was facing Key. His back was to me and he was whispering, but I could hear it just the same.

"I don't have any money- I can't get food-" he'd whispered to Key.

"Taem-" I began, but was cut off when Taemin bolted into a seated position- eyes wide and looking like he'd just discovered something terrible. "Oh god," he whimpered. "Oh my god, I don't have money- I can't afford this! Oh my god, hospitals are so expensive! I don't even have insurance, and-"

He was hyperventilating by the time Key had interrupted him. "Taeminnie, calm down," he ordered, and despite the situation, I smiled a bit at the nickname. "Listen. Onew, Minho, Jonghyun and I spoke with our families and we're working together to cover you, okay? You're a high school student, you're not supposed to be paying for things like this yourself anyway."

"N-No you ca-" he began to protest, sounding horrified.

"Taemin, please shut up," Key continued. "The combined income of four families is more than enough to pay for this easily." Taemin's eyebrows were creased, and he looked incredibly troubled still. "And don't say that this is 'too much,'" Key continued. "If we weren't to help you through this, we'd be worthless. Please just let us do this as friends."

His tone of voice left absolutely no room for Taemin to argue. I was honestly a bit jealous, though. I wanted to be able to help too, but it seemed his other friends were covering pretty much anything I could possibly help with...

Taemin sighed and laid back down on his back, staring at the ceiling with wet eyes. 

"What do you want to eat?" I inserted, demanding an answer.

Taemin grimaced and turned his head towards me. He must have seen something in my eyes, because his own eyes widened slightly and he turned over slowly onto his side to face me. His mouth was open a bit as he looked deeply into my eyes. "I- I don't care," he stuttered. He reached forward and grabbed my hand for a moment. "Thank you," he whispered. "Both of you," he added, turning his head back to include Key in this. He probably deserved the thanks more than I did. Part of this was my fault anyway, and I would forever feel guilty for pushing such a strong person into such a fragile state.

Key smiled. "Do you really think any of us would have left you?"

"This isn't yours to carry alone anymore, hyung," I added, drawing his gaze back to me. I gripped his hand tightly before releasing it completely and standing up. "I'll go get lunch. Key-hyung, do you want anything?" I asked to be respectful. I wanted to be on his good side again. It seemed Key and I both noticed Taemin's anxious expression as soon as I'd moved away from him, and I saw conflict in Key's eyes before he sighed deeply and stood.

"I'll go get it. You stay here with Taemin. I'll bring you something, too."

If it weren't for Taemin wordlessly wanting me to stay, I would have protested and insisted on doing it myself, but instead, I sat myself right back down, nodding my head. Key was pleased I hadn't tried to defy him and strode out of the room after kissing Taemin's forehead. "I'll be right back." And with that, he was gone.

I couldn't keep the grin off of my face. I was smiling for many reasons- I was glad Taemin had someone else to care for him when I wasn't around, and he seemed very comfortable around Key, so I was grateful for that. Even still, I was really happy that he wanted me to stay here with him as opposed to his de facto mother. As soon as Key had left, Taemin sighed again.

"You guys didn't sign up for this," he said with a short, humourless laugh that sounded like the most unhappy sound I'd ever heard.

I frowned. "So? That doesn't mean we wouldn't help. It's our personal choice, isn't it?"

He nodded. "Be honest with me for a second?" he asked self-consciously, and I was agreeing profusely within milliseconds- relieved that he was opening up a bit and letting down a few walls. "Are you only doing this because you feel like you need to? Because you don't want to look mean for leaving all the drama behind? Is it out of pity?"

"N-No," I countered, not knowing where to go from there but needing him to know his worries were in vain. "Hyung, it's not from pity, it's not because of guilt or obligation or anything like that," I insisted.

"Then why?" He still wasn't looking at me, but his body kept shifting on the bed, gradually coming closer to me to feel me near.

I sighed. I know why. "It's because you're you, hyung. People feel the need to help you because you do so much for them. It's not repayment, it's gratitude. You've dedicated your life to making others feel happy and worthwhile, and it shows how selfless of a person you are. The friends you have made are so loyal to you because you've shown even more loyalty to them time and time again. I'm staying here because I- I... Because I love you. And I know I said I wanted to start over and get to know you as a friend first, but I still think you should know that I do love you. I don't want to do anything about it yet, but I needed you to know."

His eyes had drifted over to meet mine somewhere in the middle of my talking, and he was speechless. "I'm not that-" he began, but I was having none of it. "No, hyung, whatever you were about to say is false. You are that great of a person, you are worth it, and you are going to accept our help because it's our turn now. It's my turn to show to you the same kindness you've shown to me."

He cleared his throat, but didn't respond. Slowly and carefully, he sat up straight, our gazes still locked on one another's. He looked so... concentrated.

"Hyung, what-"

He shook his head, and I shut up immediately. We were at the same level now- eye to eye- and for some reason, my heart was beating undeniably fast. I was anxious, but why? It's not like he was about to smack me and tell me to go to hell, so why was I nervous all of a sudden?

Oh, that's why.

My thoughts seemed to have distracted me from what was going on in front of me until I felt lips on mine and my eyes widened considerably. "Wh-" I mumbled against Taemin's mouth, wanting to know why he was doing this, but he just brought one of his hands up to grab the back of my neck, not allowing me to pull away to question. I only obeyed because I was so incredibly happy at this moment that I couldn't fathom any thought besides oh god, he's kissing me- he's kissing me!

His head tilted just the slightest bit as he deepened the kiss so innocently that I felt dirty for defiling such an inherently pure person. But I didn't pull away. I also didn't push closer, though, not wanting to frighten him. I only kissed back enough so that he would know that I was okay with this. I let him take the lead. There was no tongue involved, but the intimacy was so high that I felt I could almost cry from how emotionally close I felt with Taemin right now.

And when he did back away, his gaze looked to be holding as many conflicted emotions as I was feeling.

"Why did you-"

"I don't know," he interrupted, looking upset all of a sudden. He let go of me entirely and scooted away, still staring deep into my eyes. "I don't know, I'm sorry Kai. I didn't mean to..."

I reached forward toward his arm and touched his elbow softly. "Hey, it's okay. I'm not mad or anything."

"I'm sorry, it's not personal, but I- I don't want..." he stuttered, having a hard time articulating his thoughts. But I got the gist of what he was saying. "It's alright, honestly," I assured him. "We can forget about now. We'll just be friends first, okay?"

"I know, and I'm sorry I just made that confusing-"

"Seriously, don't worry about it, hyung. I understand." It killed me that he could kiss me with that much feeling and then tell me he didn't want it to go anywhere, but I definitely understood that he was in no place to be in a physical relationship right now, so friends it is.

He sighed. "Thanks Kai, I-" his voice was wavering, and he took a moment to keep the shakiness out of his voice. "I really am sorry."

"Why are you still apologizing?" I said with a small chuckle, trying to lighten the mood at least a little bit.

He frowned and looked away from me for the first time since the kiss. "I just- now that you know what I've done, I shouldn't have just assumed you still wanted me in that way too. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking of your feelings like I should have been-"

"Hyung, of course I'd still want you. I just think that it would be better for you if we started out as friends again; it's not because I think that what you've been through is disgusting. I just thought that it would benefit your recovery. You know?" I didn't want him to doubt that I wanted to be in a relationship with him again, but I still felt it was necessary that we wait. I didn't know how to make both of those points clear to him without it seeming rude or disapproving. 

"I do just want to be friends, I didn't want to do that- I don't know why I did it-"

"Hey hyung, let's just pretend it never happened, okay? It's fine, let's just forget about it."

He seemed grateful that I was so willing to let it go, but there was something still off about him. I could see conflict in his eyes still, and as much as I wanted to address that, I knew he just wanted to move on. 

Leeteuk-hyung, true to his word, came by that evening to visit. Thankfully, conversation was light and not-awkward the whole afternoon after the kiss, so it was comfortable by the time Leeteuk arrived. He came with little pastries to share, for which we were all grateful. Jonghyun, Onew, and Minho each came by and stayed for a short while at some point in the day before they had to leave. Key and I were the only ones who stayed throughout the entirity of visiting hours.

Taemin was released from the hospital the next morning, and I bid him farewell as he left with Jonghyun and his mother. I wished that I could've been able to tag along and spend more time with him, but I figured he'd need a bit of space. This is a lot to take in, and he'll be overwhelmed moving into his new home. I will give him time with Jonghyun's family to settle in.

But that left me bored with nothing to do. School doesn't start back up for a while, and my mom's at work during the day... I walked home, enjoying the cold winter air whipping against my face while I was huddled up in my warm jacket. Once I reached the elevator at my complex, my fingers seemed to work with a mind of their own, and I found myself stepping off the elevator at D.O's floor as opposed to my own. I sighed, deciding it would be better to go hang out with him than mope around in my apartment all day feeling lonely.

I knocked on his door right before realizing that it was actually pretty early in the morning... I contemplated turning around and going to my own home and shooting him a quick text in apology if I had woken him up, but as soon as I got 2 feet away, the door was already opening.

"Kai? Where are you going?" I turned around at his voice to see him standing there in pajama pants and a t-shirt with a half-eaten banana in his hand.

"I- sorry, I didn't realize how early it was..."

He furrowed his eyebrows, probably sensing something was slightly off. He could just read people like books. "It's no problem, I was already awake anyway.. Did you want to come in?" 

I hesitated, so he stepped out of the doorway so I could feel more invited. "I- uh.. Thank you," I mumbled as I stepped into his apartment.

"What are you doing here at this hour?" he asked as he tugged my coat off, and I blindly went along with what he was doing, removing my jacket and allowing him to hang it up for me.

"I- I just.. Um.. I don't know, to be honest." I confessed. I think I just wanted to be around someone right now, and I knew he would understand that; he's such a caring person by nature. He wouldn't turn me away.

He gave a small smile, and I knew with that small gesture that he could see right through me. "Okay, you can stay as long as you want. My favourite show is about to come on, you can come watch if you want. But help yourself to anything in the kitchen if you haven't had breakfast yet."

I had to smile, too, at how welcome I felt every time I stepped into his apartment. I admit that I do get really awkward at others' homes, but I liked D.O because I never felt out of place around him. I honestly felt like I could show up here even when he's not home and still be comfortable grabbing a soda from the fridge and throwing myself on the couch to watch television. "Thanks, hyung." I was glad that he was fully able to look past the way I'd broken down the other day when I called him from the hospital- I would die of embarrassment if he were to bring it up again.

I then realized that I was still in the front hall while D.O was already in the living room setting up his show. I stumbled behind and dropped onto the sofa with a heavy sigh. He laughed slightly and went to sit as well. "How's Taemin?" he questioned casually to pass time through commercials as he pulled his knees up to sit more comfortably. I sat cross-legged facing him and nodded.

"He's alright... He's going home with Jonghyun-hyung today."

"Really? That's so great!" D.O commented with genuine interest. "Is he fully recovered then?"

"Mostly."

He smiled. "That's awesome, I was really worried that there would be complications or something."

"Nope, he's clear to leave, he's just not so used to food yet. We'll just have to give it some time," I confirmed, relaying what the nurse's had said in regards to his release.

D.O's smile grew and he nodded in understanding. "How are you guys doing? You know... Do you think you'll still date or-"

"Later," I interrupted. It wasn't to be rude, but I was just glad I had something figured out for once- even with yesterday's complications. "I thought it'd be better to wait," I continued. "It'd be rushing things, don't you think?"

He agreed with me right away, and that settled my nerves about everything. "Of course. Is he okay with that?"

I opened my mouth to answer but paused. He sensed my sudden hesitation and cocked an eyebrow in question. "Yes..." I answered, the word long and drawn out with my tone raising at the end as if it were a question. "Yes," I repeated, a little more sure of my answer. "He... um.. He kissed me yesterday.. But after, we talked and he agreed with me.." I still sounded a bit uncertain with myself.

"Oh.. Okay.." D.O said, nodding his head and looking to the wall with a pensive look on his face. "Did he say why he did it?" 

This is one reason that I loved talking to D.O. It was like a therapy session but he still made it feel like a casual conversation between friends. It made it easier to open up my heart without feeling like I was actually seeking advice (even though deep down, I knew I was). "No. He just apologized a lot. Said he didn't know why he did it."

"Hmm..." he hummed, thinking. "Maybe he's just feeling self conscious. Maybe he wanted to feel it one more time in case you didn't want to be with him again after all that he'd been through. Think about it, Kai. He was having with strangers. Lots of people aren't as understanding and would see that as gross, don't you think? You were dating and he was off selling himself. But he doesn't know that you are accepting of the circumstances, so he probably just thought you'd leave him like anyone else would. From what I've heard, it seems like he hasn't been around the most supportive people in his home life, so he doesn't really have anything to go off of."

I sat there listening to D.O's analysis of Taemin's psychological condition with wide eyes. How does he see this much about a person..? And this is the other reason that I loved talking to D.O. He knows more about people than they know about themselves. Sometimes that can be annoying, but other times- like now- it was nothing but helpful. 

"What should I do?" I questioned further, still a bit taken aback at how observant this guy was.

"Well I think you're doing the right thing, Kai," he assured me. "You're giving him space while still letting him know that you're still here and waiting, but you're not being pushy about it. I think you're being respectful and supportive, and I'm proud of you," he said with a cheesy grin.

"Oh shut up man," I laughed, shoving his shoulder. He laughed too, turning towards the television to end the conversation. I faced the screen in front of us, but I couldn't watch. There was a pleasant smile on my face as I thought about what he just said. I appreciated his words more than I'd ever let him know, but deep down, I knew that he was aware of exactly what I was thinking right now. I didn't need to thank him for the praise because he knew. He also knew that my pride will always get the better of me, but that doesn't mean I don't like to hear things like that once in a while. 

I respected him and he respected me, which is good, because right now, I should be focusing on friends. Even in regards to Taemin, friendship is the key. How can we date if we don't learn to be friends first? I probably rushed into things too quickly at the start of our relationship, so now is our chance to build those friendly bonds before the romantic factor is added in. It's something that I've never valued enough.

Author's Note: 

Who's surprised to know that I'm alive?? I can't apologize enough for the delay, performances have been so hectic and even though I finished school weeks ago, I've still got my job -.-' one of our trapeze performers has been hurt and had to be taken out of the show for good): terrible for him, but considering the fact that he was my partner (no I promise it wasn't my fault that he got hurt!!), I've had to relearn all of our tricks with another guy. He's very good, of course, but the feel is different, so we've been practicing nonstop! 

I wanted to get this chapter out before the new month so I wrote it all today in like, an hour, so I haven't even reread it at all. XD don't judge for all the mistakes

Bisous~ :-**