It’s just another ordinary day in the life of Lee Hyukjae.

That was, at least, what he was hoping for when he went out for work that morning.

It’s the typical routine. The one he had been doing for years, the one he will probably be doing for more years to come. His clock starts ringing at five and he wakes up to get ready for work. It comes as a surprise though, when he opens his door and is welcomed by the smell of honey-flavored pancakes from the kitchen, and a very bright Kyuhyun is greeting him good morning. Hyukjae is, of course, confused. Kyuhyun doesn’t wake up before ten and moreover, he doesn’t cook for him or greet him good morning. But even though Hyukjae notices how strange the situation is, he doesn’t say anything. He just eats and bids his roommate goodbye, thanking him for the breakfast and thinking to himself that it’s good because then he doesn’t have to spend a meal at Sungmin’s.

The bus ride is peaceful, because Halmeoni doesn’t scold him anymore. She even greets him first and although there are topics Hyukjae evidently avoids, they manage to exchange a casual conversation until Hyukjae reaches his stop. She huffs at him when he tells her goodbye but Hyukjae thinks that’s definitely a progress from her usual glares and haughty remarks.

He’s early for work and he decides to warm up and work on a choreography he’s yet to finish while waiting for his trainees. The day officially begins and there goes the eight working hours until it’s time for him to leave. Kyuhyun tells him he wasn’t able to prepare dinner so Hyukjae buys them one on his way home. Kyuhyun is extra-chatty during the meal, and Hyukjae responds with nods and single-word replies before calling it a night and heading to his room.

When he is done washing up and changing to his sleep wear, he lies on his bed and recounts the rest of the day just like he usually does. There are few changes but it’s pretty much how his day always goes and Hyukjae is glad because his life is finally back to normal.

There’s a smile on his face as he stares at his ceiling, a smile he tells himself to be bright and optimistic because he is really happy and there’s nothing more he could ask for.

But the more he convinces himself that there is nothing wrong, the more he finds it difficult to keep the beam. His cheek begins to hurt, his eyes starts to sting. Until the grin slowly fades and he’s left again with the darkness and the coldness of the four corners of his room.

A sigh escapes his lips and Hyukjae ponders how it’s so hard to pretend. That it’s so difficult to make himself believe that everything is back to the way it was.

But it isn’t the case and Hyukjae knows it.

And with the memory of everything that happened the other night and what’s left of Donghae’s scent still lingering on his own pillows, Hyukjae painfully admits.

Nothing is the same anymore.

-

With the past four years that gone by, Hyukjae would be lying if he says he never thought of Donghae. He did. A lot of times.

Every time his family called and told him Donghae dropped by to say hi and ask about him. Or whenever he saw two boys playing on the streets, or when he tuned in the TV and it shows Donghae’s favorite. Every time he stepped in his new room and compared how different it was from the one he had back home. Or whenever he danced and recalled how Donghae used to wait and cheer for him. Everything, every time, every day. He was reminded of Donghae.

Hyukjae remembered the day his sister told him Donghae had stopped asking about him. He remembered meeting Sungmin again two years ago and he was told about the fun times and parties he missed when he moved away. Hyukjae recalled how happy his friends seemed to be and how Sungmin, not even once, told him about Donghae looking for him. Hyukjae remembered how he didn’t feel like he was hiding anymore, that he wasn’t running from something anymore. Hyukjae was supposed to feel free and he let himself think that he was and he’s happy about it. He was living a monotonous life but it’s all he ever wanted.

He was alright.

But it only takes Donghae to step into his life again to tell him he is not. He never was.

-

Hyukjae has these moments when he questions his decisions in life. Is it really worth it to lie and hurt Donghae just as to protect his secret and his feelings? Hyukjae knows he was selfish but if hurting Donghae is what it takes just so he won’t be around him anymore, just so he won’t be hunted with his memories anymore, then so be it. Besides, he can’t be friends with him, because being with him and not having him in the way he wants to will only add up the hurt. But then Hyukjae marvels, is it worth it?

Is it really worth to throw a decade of friendship just because Donghae can’t reciprocate his feelings? But he had hang on to him for way too long, had endured the meaningless hugs, the silly bro fists when all he ever wanted was a kiss, the one-sided love, the view from the friend zone, the pretending! He’s so fed up and wounded with everything that running away was the only thing left to do. And then Donghae appeared four years after and just had to remind him of everything all over again. So he pushed him. He pushed him and shut him out completely.

But is it worth it? Is it worth not to have Donghae in his life, ever again?

Maybe yes. Probably no.

But whatever it is, it wouldn’t matter anymore.

It wouldn’t change a thing.

Because Donghae is gone. Gone gone.

And it was his fault. It is what he wants.

It is what he tells himself that he wants.

-

But of course, not because Donghae decides to stay away from him, doesn’t mean they would never really see each other again. Not when they have mutual friends who still insist to know what happened that day even if weeks have already passed.

So Hyukjae tries his best to dodge the issue or any circumstances that might lead him to Donghae. The most prominent of it is, of course, Sungmin’s café to which he has been purposely avoiding for a week now and gaining him a series of text messages from Sungmin (mostly containing profanities telling him if he finds out Hyukjae’s been eating in their competitors, he’s going to cut his head.) So far, despite Sungmin’s death threats, he isn’t able to