Don't Say Goodbye - CNBlue

Chapter 40: Finding liberty.

“It’s because you lied…” Sehun whispered, taking hold of Jaera’s wrist tightly. “It’s because you lied to me!”

Jaera stared at him with wide eyes, unable to form any words with her lips. She opened in an attempt to speak, but it’s as if her voice left her body that she can’t speak out all of her thoughts. However, the silence was soon overshadowed by the presence of another figure entering the back room. Noticing the dirtied floor and the abandoned mop, Suho then gave both Jaera and Sehun each furious looks. “Detention for both of you after classes.”

And without any more words coming from the two of them, the whole day passed by rather coldly. The warm and blithe air that usually surrounded the last row by the window of the room was replaced by a lifeless one. No discreet whispers were exchanged in the middle of classes, and only the dull voices of the teachers were heard. It’s like the situation was frozen, keeping still in a place where both parties refused to take a step forward.

Coincidently, right when afternoon came, the skies darkened, the temperature got lower, and loud pitter-patters of the rain were heard all throughout the school. Because of the heavy rains though, classes were suspended halfway through the afternoon classes. Students were overjoyed about the news; they would possibly have a hard time in going home, but the fact that they get to go home earlier overshadowed that ordeal.

It was, however, entirely different for Sehun. He felt comfort in hearing and seeing the rain; he felt as if the rain held empathy for him. The way it poured down on the grounds, made everything wet, and washed all the warmth away, everything reflected all of his feelings. The blank state of his face was solid, but his heart was already falling to pieces. He wanted to cry, he wanted to make everyone know of his misery, he wanted to stay frozen, and he wanted to stay in a world where only the past remained, but he himself knew that it would be impossible. Reminiscing the past would only be a lie to help him fix the broken fragments of his heart.

Not even the past was something he could revel in for no matter how happy or blissful he felt before, it still wouldn’t change the fact that the present had already been tarnished with lies—filled with animosity and bitterness. The sincerity and trust he had, had already been thrown and wasted; everything was all in vain, and Sehun loathed it. He did everything he could, he became earnest and genuine to his feelings, and yet it’s as if no matter how hard he tries, the future where he would be alone would still be the same.

He despised how the only thing he had yearned for never happened to him; the only person that he ever wanted never came to him. He found her first, Sehun found Jaera first, yet she was still given to his trusted older cousin, Lu Han. It sounded so ironic how he trusted the older male the most and yet at the same time, he was also the one who betrayed him the most.

He felt as if the trust he gave towards Lu Han was useless, as if he was treated like someone who can be deceived easily. He entrusted Jaera to him, hoping that he would help her stand up again, even if he already had a hunch to how things would eventually unfold. A part of him had already thought that things would escalate, that things would eventually come to a point in which he would have to let go of his own feelings, yet he chose to stay silent for he believed them. He trusted both Jaera and Lu Han with all his heart. They were really important to him that he can’t even bring himself to think ill of them.

However, with the way everything has turned out, Sehun wanted to oppose his real self. He wanted to forsake them; he wanted them to feel pain. Sehun wanted both Jaera and Lu Han to feel the same way he felt at the moment—broken and anguished. He even made no effort in trying to hide the fact that he was ignoring Jaera all throughout the day. Same with Lu Han, he blocked all calls coming from him.

It was petty and childish, Sehun knew, but he honestly didn’t know what to do anymore. He wanted to hate them, he wanted to loathe them, but doing so would only be a lie. He knew it deep inside of him that whatever he does, whatever they do, and whatever happens, they will still hold a special place in his heart. He might feel so betrayed by them right now, but he still can’t hate them; he still loves them.

Now, sitting on the cold floor in the middle of the hallway while lifting three books above his head, Sehun tried his best to keep his gaze straight outside where the heavy downpour continued to fall. He refused to look at Jaera. Not even once has he even turned his way towards her since this morning for not only will he be reminded of what she did, but he also knew that his efforts in ignoring her would crumble. He knew that once he looks at her, his resolve would disappear.

And it really did, once he noticed Jaera’s hands already trembling. They’ve been lifting books for thirty minutes already and Sehun himself was getting tired as well, how much for Jaera?

He wanted to continue ignoring her, to let her suffer by herself, but he knew that he was lying again. More so since in a split of a se