I was so frustrated and hurt. If only we didn’t meet and the pain that I suffer in my heart will be here right now. My name is Hyukjae but I prefer to be called Eunhyuk. I am 20 years old and currently attending SM University and major in business. I am quite shy but I can become quite talkative if I know you me. I was a er in love because iam gay. I don’t quite know when I realized it but soon I realized it when I attended this university and being gay is a no no. I do not understand it but I do have a lot of admirer from the girls as I don’t find myself handsome or anything closed to it. I also sometimes just get involves in the relationship to hide my true feeling. My best friend Junsu told me that Iam actually beautiful! And that is from my best friend whom always tries to get on my nerve. He says that I have a nice jaw line, thick plump lip, attractive single eyelid, pale white skin and slim figure. I never believe in love as for me I could not love or be loved as being in a guy-guy relationship is wrong. That is why I don’t believe in love and tried to forget about those feeling. Occasionally I would cry for my sad fate of being in love. I would always go to the dance studio and dance to forget my problems and it does help a lot although my tears keep coming down as dancing is my passion.

Flashback

My first crush was a guy named Choi Kyuhyun. He is the same class as I am during my first year. Whenever he was around me, I would blush like hell and act like a child. Especially with Junsu to get his attention. He was the class genius and athlete as well not that I am not smart but he is smarter then me as we are both in the top class. I could not even talk to him without looking him in the face for a two second or acting weird. Luckily he did not suspect anything.

Soon I forget about him. After a year a new student named Choi siwon came. I immediately fell for him. He has a muscular body and a face of a model plus he is quite religious. He is kind though but always finds time to disturb me. He likes to tease me and see my flustered face. Like last time, I would be blushing when he’s around. Although Kyuhyun is still the same class as I am, I can now act normally well almost normal in front of him. But this time with Siwon, I tend to act like a brat and blush only for a short period unlike with Kyuhyun. Maybe I have learned and build a barrier in my heart not to fall deep into those unpromising feelings. I know by now that it is useless. That why after that I never pray that they like me too and everything going to be alright. After that, I soon forget my feelings for them and act as normal friends. Kyuhyun, Siwon, Junsu and I became quite a close friend although sometimes my feelings for them resurfaced but I ignored it. They even sometimes accompany me to the dance studio and support me. Sometimes they join me too.

Time flies and it is now my 4^th and final year here. That’s when I met you. You are a new transferred student and actually and old friend of Siwon. Siwon introduce you as Lee Donghae to us during a lunch break and we found out that you are going to be in the same class as I am. At first I don’t really care about you, I mean I just feel that you as a new friend not more than that. You are quite good looking but I did not react like when I first met Kyuhyun and Siwon. Maybe I already when past that phase of crushing on guys that seem useless. You are eager to be my friend but you can see that I am not as excited as you do. Days past by and we talk to each other like a normal classmate do. Until one day when you moved deeper into my life. I was walking home to my room in the university and I am the only one not sharing with anyone as Siwon and kyuhyun are roommate and junsu with some guy name Yoochun.

You told me that you are moved here because of your room is decided to be emptied as you also stay alone and the university decided to pair us up so that the other room is vacant for other use. From that day, we became a bit closer; you always talk to me and care for me. Asking whether I need some massages when I got headache. You always wait for me when I came back home from my usually dance practice and I found out that you love dancing as well as I do. You even decided to come with me sometime. That is what I found so weird. You are always the one that is not serious being a rich son. In class u tend to sleep in class and does some pranks. I don’t like it a bit and sometimes I found out that you noticed that I got irritated of your behavior. I found it to be quite shocking when you decided to cook for us although I am the one that always did that one day when I came back late. That’s when I realized how beautiful your are with your brunette long hair and those thin lips. You look like the typically beautiful male character from the comic. You even have a nice body but not as muscular as Siwon but bigger then mine. That when I fell in love with you.

From that day onwards, I never could see Donghae in the eyes. I was a pain from me as I realized I had fallen in love again. Maybe not again because with Kyuhyun and Siwon it is just merely a crush. I am really attracted to Donghae maybe because we are the opposite. Like in class I would be serious and study while he either sleep or do not pays any attention in class. He would always get scolded by the teachers and sometimes he even escapes some of the class. I am sure do not like that attitude but why when it comes to him it is okay. He realized it and asks me when we suppose to be having our lunch with the others when he caught me staring.

Flashback

‘Hey Hyukkie, what are going to do after lunch? I mean the class is canceled right?”

‘I don’t know. Maybe I will go to the dance studio to dance” I said without looking at his eye

‘Why can you talk to me like you talk to the other? You never looked at me in the eye when you talk’.

‘hmmm…..’ I was cut off by Junsu

‘What are you guys talking about?’ junsu said. I should thank him later for saving my .

‘Nothing. So we are hyun and won?’

‘They say that they have something to do so they can’t make it today for lunch’

‘Okay.i got to go to now.bye’ I said and ran without waiting for their replies.

‘Okay…What happen to him? Donghae? Junsu ask Donghae

‘Don’t know. I got to go too.bye’ he said

‘That was weird.oh well.hey Yoochun come here and join me for lunch!’

End of flashback

After that, I ran to the dance studio with one task. AVOID HIM. It hurts me too much thinking that we never be together because I don’t think he likes me too and if we are together it will be wrong! Guy-guy relationship is wrong! How would my parent and the others react! I decided to dance and I dance like the world is completely mine and soon I forget about  all about my problem. Unknown to me my tears started to fall down. I stop and sit on the floor sobbing. I covered my face one my knees and cried. Then I went to our room and I was shocked to see he was waiting for me. He saw my puffy eyes and approaches me! I tried to run to the bathroom but he grabbed my wrist

‘What wrong hyuk? Why are you crying? Everything going to be alright’he said and hugs me.

I hugged him back and felt so secure in his arm. But I know that it is only a friendly hug. I was just about to confess to him and say that he is the one responsible for my sadness when he says

‘I am your close friend? Right? I feel like one, so talk to me? He said

My heart breaks into pieces and I decided to lie to him

‘It’s okay. Nothing wrong. I am just stress out. Thanks. I have to shower now’ I said and break off the hug and take a shower. When I returned he is asleep already and my hearts hurt when I saw his peaceful face and I wishes that  he would  be mine and mine only to see every night.

Days pass and we become closer as friend but I will never act childish or intimate like I always did with Junsu or now even with  hyun and won as I know I don’t like them anymore but only as friends. I decided to fight my feeling so that it won’t get complicated and get my heart hurts more. I just hope that he will fall in love with me too but I know it is impossible when one day I heard that he got a girlfriend. She is my distant cousin actually and her name is Yoona. I was so hurt that I got distant with him again. I avoided him again and try not to talk to him. Whenever he is around I will go  somewhere else. The funny thing is that I will always try to get near him but at the end I decided to keep quite or ran away if he talk to me or approach me. I am also confused. I want him to notice me but I also want to run away from him. He even try to act friendly and intimate with me like when I am with the others such as  I always demand hugs or rest my head on their shoulder but I reject him. Finally he distant himself from me as well. I don’t know either he felt sad for me rejecting him for him to be close to me  or rejecting him for wanted me to act with him like the others. I decided it is the last statement, I know he only wants me as friend not more when he says

‘Hyuk, why you act childish and all in front of them but not me. Iam your friend too.i don’t want to feel left out’ he said when I returned to our room one night.

‘Hae. You have Yoona. So ask her to get childish and all with you. Besides all of us single so it’s okay but you have your girlfriend’ I said and without   letting him reply I rush to the bathroom and take a nice long shower. I cried and cried in the shower and I decided to go to New York the next day. Luckily I call Leetuk hyung to book me a ticket there. Besides tomorrow is when our first holidays for one week started. When I got out, I saw his peaceful face again asleep while hugging a fish plushie that he won last week in a fair. I smile but my heart hurts more and more when I look at him.

The next morning, I woke up early and when out of the room without noticing him. I left a short letter telling him that I will be going off to New York. Soon I was on the plane to New York but without me knowing there is someone crying and cursing himself for being too stupid while reading a letter when he woke up.

a/n: hey guys!!!  THIS IS MY FIRST FIC EVERRRRRRRRR WRITTEN! IT WAS AROUND A YEAR AGO I WROTE THIS..SO MIANHAE FOR MY BAD WRITING STYLE HERE..THIS IS HAEHYUK TOO AND THIS IS MY FIRST CHPTERED FIC..THERE ARE TWO MORE CHPTRS OF THIS..POSTED IT SOON..

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