on·no·mat·o·poe·ia

 [ˌɒnəˌmætəˈpiːə]

noun

 the formation of words whose sound is imitative of the sound 
of the noise or action designated, such as hiss, buzz, and bang

This is it.

The moment has come.

He will find out.

I’m scared.

Will I disappear now that he knows?

Sweet heavens, help him.

I will say goodbye now.

It’s time for me to go.

I don’t exist anymore.

Don’t search but remember.

Remember me.

My parents were devastated by their loss, not mine. It was hell. Living through the pain of losing a brother. Sometimes I wished I could just trade with Yifan and be dead. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to dream. I wanted to tear open the red rivers flowing through my body.

Something was not right. The knife would not cut, the rope would not support, the poison would not kill. Nothing would work.

My mom couldn’t look at me the same way either. It was hard. Yifan and I, we had gotten used to the fact that people would stare at us with a great disgust, but I didn’t care about that anymore. It’s when your own mother can’t treat you as a normal human being anymore, that’s where it all goes wrong.

It traumatizes the brain, it tricks your sense of perception. I wanted to sleep. Oh, how I just dreamt of sleeping and dreaming. I wanted to climb inside a little boat and float to the everlasting. Even so, nothing would work. My mind was locked. Self slaughter was out of the question.

Maybe it was for me, but two years after my brother and I got separated, I found my mother the same way I wanted to hang before. Even with the same rope. By the time I stood by her grave, next to my father, I didn’t even know what to feel anymore.

I couldn’t feel anymore.

Everything I ever loved, Yifan, was taken away from me. There was nothing worse than losing your other half. The other side of your body. So, the day I lost my mom, it wasn’t that depressing anymore. I just sighed and frowned. That was the only thing I could do.

My father and I couldn’t really connect anymore. He was a silent man, one that could look you straight in the eye and scold you without wasting one single breath. So without any approval of me, I got sent away.

I didn’t function anymore. I had to go to a psychiatrist. My father believed it would be for the best.  Mr. Lee, a neurobiologist who was a friend of my father recommended Dr. Amber Liu. It didn’t take her long for her to discover I suffered from a severe depression and some other things. She ensured helping me, but I wasn’t so sure about that.

The next few weeks, I was scared. I didn’t want to be taken in. I didn’t want to go to a mental hospital. The papers were filled with stories about me. They called me The Survivor. They called it a miracle. They forgot about Yifan. He was dead!

I promised my dad I would change my antisocial behavior by going to the army and changing my life. The next year, I would find myself there and actually try doing something with my life.

It was the place I got discovered by Hyoyeon, while I got punished by the corporal, a know-it-all. She looked at me and asked me whether I even liked serving a country that was ruled by a dictator. I told her my opinion. I told her that I wanted to kill the system. Because of them I lost Yifan.

She then smiled at me and told me that I could if I went with her. I would work for her group against dictatorship and try to do something good for the country. Even if I had to kill some people, the road to success was a bumpy one.

I gave her my yes and had to leave my dad eventually. He ended up losing his wife and two sons.

My head hurt. I was getting sick. Really sick. My body ached. It was as if something inside my body was eating me alive, but then I remembered that I had been poisoned. Hyoyeon ensured me that symptoms would come in a few months. So why now?

This was embarrassing.

I grunted and opened my eyes, checking if they were still here. They were. All of them. Every single eye was focused on me. They were laughing.

To describe it properly, my hands were tied behind my back. Shirt was gone. Which, to me, was the most horrible thing one could do to me. Every eye was staring at the gaping hole in my side. It hurt. I wanted to scratch it all away, but I couldn’t move my arms. I could still feel the wound of the orbitoclast that Tao had pierced me with before.

I couldn’t talk. Something was keeping my mouth shut and the taste it provided my mouth was just horrible. I felt sick. Slowly I let my body fall sideways to the floor, but they didn’t approve of that.

The bald girl, the girl who went by the name Hyosung, walked over to me and lifted me up again. She assured me that I had to stay put and keep my eyes open.

“Don’t piss him off.” she whispered. I wanted to tear her eyes open. She was in this too. “Tao eats human flesh.” Hyosung started laughing and went back to her seat. Yes, that’s where I was looking at. A sofa.  The people sitting, they were highly amused. Tao, Zico, Hyosung, Sulli and…

Yong Guk.

The moment I looked at Yong Guk, something happened inside my head. Something popped. I had been betrayed by everyone. However, the sight of the one person I could give my trust in the end and seeing it crushed…my brain cells just popped. I couldn’t describe it any better. Something popped and I wanted to disappear behind some kind of catatonic state of mind.

This time, I pushed my bodyweight forward and crushed everything into the floor. I was defeated. They had defeated me and now I wasn’t even worth looking at. They betrayed me. Everyone. Every single person I had ever trusted. I had no one left.

“Come, come…” a whisper that sent shivers down my bony spine. A hand grabbed my throat and pulled me up. I got placed on my knees by Tao, overpowered by my lack of strength and had to look into his insanely intense eyes. “I don’t really eat human flesh.”

“Right, Hyosung?” he then turned around and set on the edge of the red sofa. I couldn’t really see where in the house I was located. Maybe I really didn’t need to know.

“Sorry, I got carried away.”

“Please excuse us,” Tao started laughing really loudly. “it wasn’t her fault. Hyosung can’t really tell anything other than lies. It’s her thing, you know. She’s a pathological liar. She can’t really… well you know, tell the truth. I do owe you that, I must say.” his eyes could