Title: Secret Admirers; On a Mission

Link to story: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/12860/secret-admirers-on-a-mission-apply-christmas-dalmatian-korean-kpop

Author: melon-ie

Brief description of story:
Mr. Jang, the principle of Osan High School has announced that there will be a special event for the upcoming season; CHRISTMAS! All the students, and I mean everyone, is required to pick a name by lunch.

Whoever it is, they must buy gifts until the Winter Dance but they must not reveal themselves to that person. The event will be held for 5 days. On the day of the Winter Dance, they will finally reveal who they are to that person.

Who knows what might happen during this event is taking place. People might fall in love with their secret santa, or even ... slap them?

Genre: romance comedy

Extra Information: none :)

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This review is long over due, and I just finished it today. Sorry melon-ie, I hope this helps you though -xforevax

Title: 7/10

I like the title; however the use of grammar is incorrect. A semi-colon should only be used when there are two independent clauses, meaning when the two clauses can stand alone as a sentence. Neither Secret Admirers, nor On a Mission are independent clauses so a semi-colon should not be used. Try instead Secret Admirers on a Mission or even Secret Admirers, on a Mission.

Description/Foreword: 10/20

Okay, I can’t really give you a mark for your foreword, but I stress this point regularly when reading apply fics; once you’ve chosen your characters, get rid of anything that involves applying as a character. In your case move chapter two to the end of the foreword, and your teaser in the first chapter should also be moved to the foreword because the story hasn’t officially started. Not only is it easier to navigate through the chapters as a reader, it also makes the overall appearance a lot neater.  

With your description there are a few grammatical errors.

This:

Mr. Jang, the principle of Osan High School has announced that there will be a special event for the upcoming season; CHRISTMAS! All the students, and I mean everyone, is required to pick a name by lunch. 

Should be:

Mr. Jang, the principal of Osan High School, has announced that there will be a special event for the upcoming season, CHRISTMAS!

Use this principal when you are talking about the head director of a school. The principle you used means the fundamental basis of a conduct. An easy way to remember it:

Your principal is your pal.

This:

Whoever it is, they must buy gifts until the Winter Dance but they must not reveal themselves to that person.On the day of the Winter Dance, they will finally reveal who they are to that person. 

Should be:

You must buy a gift for your chosen person by the time of the Winter Dance, but you must not reveal yourself to that person. On the day of the Winter Dance they will reveal themselves to that person.

I found it hard editing that sentence, because it wasn’t the grammar that was bad, it was your phrasing that made it confusing. That is the best I could do for it.

This:

Who knows what might happen during this event is taking place. People might fall in love with their secret santa, or even ... get slapped?

Should be:

Who knows what might happen during this event. People might fall in love with their Secret Santa, or even…get slapped.

There shouldn’t be a question mark at the end because the statement is not a question, and your wording of the first sentence was incorrect.

Originality and Plot: 20/30

Thumbs up for the originality of your story; I haven’t read a story on this site that plays with the idea of having Secret Santa. Your plot so far isn’t moving very much, but I can’t really judge this because you only have three chapters of the story up. I think, with stories like this, there needs to be interaction between the characters very quickly to gain ones attention. This is simply to garner the interest of the readers, and keep existing readers hanging on for more. Personally, the beginning was a little too slow for me so I was quickly bored and was trying very hard to flick through the chapter for something that sparked an interest. Having such long chapters stuffed full of dialogue is not always a good thing. A chapter which is shorter but has more detail is always better; to be honest, many of your chapter can be chopped in half.

Grammar/Punctuation and Writing Style: 20/30

I can tell you changed a lot of your grammar and punctuation because when I was trying to review this last week your style of dialogue was not the best. There aren’t many huge mistakes however; you need to work on your sentences.

Many of your sentences are really short leaving very chopped up and jaggered chapters to read. Don’t get me wrong, short sentences are good if you’re trying hold a feeling of suspense, but in your case, there is no suspense. What I’ve noticed is that many of your short sentences can be joined to make longer sentences through the use of conjunctions.

For example, this:

There was one more period to lunch. Fifi was already feeling hungry.

Could be:

There was one more period tilllunch butFifi was already feeling hungry.

You should also keep an eye on when you use a comma.

This:

“Minho? Minho as in, Taemin’s friend?” Jae asked, excitedly.

Should be:

“Minho? As in Taemin’s friend?” Jae asked excitedly.

There is no need for a comma after asked because no pause is needed. You’ve done this a lot throughout your large chunks of dialogue. Also, there really isn’t any need for the repeat of Minho’s name in the example above.

I have also noticed that some of your sentences don’t make sense. If you simply reread what you’ve written such errors would go away immediately. You are also having a few problems with your tense. You tend to jump around a lot. I’d be reading one sentence in past tense (eg. Shouted, laughed, smiled, fought) but in the next sentence I’d be reading it in the present tense (eg. Shout, laugh, smile, fight) and vice versa. This can be seen predominantly in your first chapter. Once again, these errors can easily be picked up if you take time to reread and edit what you’ve written.

Character/Detail: 5/10

So far, I haven’t seen much development in your characters, seeing as this is only the third chapter. However, in order to develop characters you must give readers a general idea of what the characters look like. This shouldn’t be done through images; it is much better if you use words. What readers need to see are the finer details of your story not just large chunks of dialogue or seeing students in motion. You should add more detailing to the characters surroundings and their emotions. We want to see what the characters are seeing; we want to feel how the characters are feeling. If such detail is put in, then your story will go a long way.

Total: 62/100

General Comments: Overall, I think you have based your story on a very interesting and original idea. If you concentrated more on detail, character development and the overall flow of your story, it could go a very long way. I hope this review has helped, and sorry if I’m being harsh on you. Good luck with your story!

-xforevax