Hey guys, SHINeeGirl910 here again :) Another review done, I posted this at school, but xforevax is doing 'Heart's connection' while 'So....I'm his boyfriend' Review is at home and will be up tonight :)

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Title: Excuse Me

Link to story: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/43520/excuse-me-amber-cnu-seohyun-yonghwa

Author:  Hani_ah

Brief description of story: Hayley's a singer who's group, The Stunners just broke up. Deciding she needs a break from LA, but then changing her mind, she's glad that her bestfriend comes back home to visit. After a heartbreak and much convincing from her friend, she decides to go to korea for music school. There she meets the energetic and cute, CNU, the quiet know-it-all, Yonghwa, and the sneaky Seohyun. Eventually she starts to feel for Yonghwa.

Genre: romance, comedy, music

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Title: 5/10

Your title is ordinary and boring. I’m sure that if you type in excuse me in the search box, you will be able to find many different stories with the title ‘excuse me?’ or begin with ‘excuse me.’ I think you could opt for a title relating more to your girl band plot because titles should be able to give a brief idea of the plot with a few simple words.

Description/ Foreword: 12/20

 I think your description is interesting. It draws readers into reading your story; however I think you give out too much information in the description. It is important that you keep the description simple and give out little critical information. There are also quite a few errors I need to point out here.

Hayley’s a singer who’s group, The Stunners just broke up. – Hayley’s a singer whose group, The Stunners, had just broken up. (When you say who’s you are pretty much saying who is and ‘Hayley’s a singer who is group….’ doesn’t really make sense.)

Deciding she needs a break from LA, but then changing her mind, she’s glad that her bestfriend comes back home to visit. – After deciding she needed a break from LA and then changing her mind, she’s glad that her best friend comes back home to visit. (Your sentence did not make sense before. Try typing it up on MS Word so that spellcheck can point out some of your mistakes, or else read over your sentences a few more times to make sure they flow.)

Korea should have a capital K. (Korea is a country)

Your forward is good. It gives an introduction to the entire story so readers know what is going on before the story starts. At the moment I am not able to see any mistakes but then again, I am barely able to see the text because it hurts my eyes trying to read the writing in such a light colour.

Originality/Plot: 20/30

Your Plot hasn’t been developed much since you’ve only written 2 chapters, but I like how it’s going at the moment.  

I think your plot is in between being original and not original. I usually don’t see stories based around playing/writing music or a disbanded girl band/group but I see too many of those long lost celebrity friends (amber and Hayley) as well as the America-Korea theme. Honestly, I hate ‘America-Korea’ or ‘foreign country-Korea’ stories, but in your story the disbanded girl group and musical concept cancels out that hate.

Grammar/Punctuation/Writing Style: 25/30

Your writing style is good! Your sentences flow into one another and reading it gives my mind some rest, however at the moment, based on just reading those two chapters I’m a little bored. At times I feel like your story needs to gain pace but then again there are times where I feel as if it’s going too fast. Try and keep your writing more stable and controlled.

Your grammar and punctuation is better than what I expected after reading the description. I was quite impressed with your sentence structure as well as your punctuations. The sentences make perfect sense but I’m not sure if it’s the light grey writing that’s forming illusions in my head because I seriously have to squint as I read your story.

There are few spelling mistakes in your story:

“Marisol had to fly to New York for a modling gig.”

Should be:

“Marisol had to fly to New York for a Modelling gig.”

“Your right and I’m just so frustrated.”

Should be:

“You’re right and I’m just so frustrated.”

“Being hear was not helping my slump”

Should be:

“Being here is not helping my slump.”

Character/Detail: 8/10

Based on your description of each character, all your characters seem somewhat close to being perfect. It’s hard to judge your characterisation with only 2 chapters and having more than half of the characters not being introduced yet. At the moment, the characters and personalities seem pretty stable so continue to work hard with it!

Your story would do better with a little more detail. It is quite detailed enough already but you could do really well with more details.  

Total: 70/100

General Comments:

I think your story is doing alright. Even though you have only started your story, you should ask for a review when you are close to finishing your story! Apologies if I sound y in any way, but I’m just giving you my honest opinion so that you can improve your story before it’s too late!

Hope to see your story improve! Hwaiting! :D

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