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Title:Starry Dream

Author: Kidamazone

Link to Story: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/28071/starry-dream-jonghyun-korean-lovestory-romance-romantic-shinee-you

Brief description of story: Sang Hee's always been shy; her classmates have taken this as an opportunity to constantly in class. The only reasons she continues to smile are SHINee and playing piano. Fortunately, one day, she receives an opportunity to meet SHINee. From then on, Sang Hee's life changes gradually.

Genre: Romance

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Title: 7/10

This title shows a different sort of genre from other fan-fics that are like the typical romantic-comedy type, making it stand out from other titles, however I don’t find it eye-catching at all if I were to come across it while browsing through stories. Extra point for the suitability of the title with your plot!

Description/ Foreword: 16/20

I find that your description really draws me into the story. It gives the basic outline of your plot yet it does not give too much. There are small grammatical errors in the description, so I’m deducting a few marks for that.

…except for the fact that she is lonely, without friends.  –  except for the fact that she is lonely and without friends. (It’s good to use commas when listing, but the last point should have an and instead of another comma.)  

Fortunately, Sang Hee is far from that: she has kindness with no bounds, is really talkative once her shyness goes away, gives with no regrets and is extremely caring – Fortunately, Sang hee is far from that. She has kindness with no bounds, is really talkative once her shyness goes away, gives without regrets and is extremely caring.  (Don’t be afraid to use full stops when needed. I think its easier for the reader to read without the : or ; .)

Will a story form itself from the tiniest of possibilities: the one of forging a relationship with the members of SHINee, beings from a seemingly unreachable world, the world of idols? – Will a story form from the smallest possibilities? Will a story form from forging a relationship with the members of SHINee – beings from a seemingly unreachable world…the world of idols? (Your sentence didn’t really make sense, with all the colons and semicolons everywhere, so try using more full stops for the sentences to flow into one another.)

Also, try to put your character descriptions in the description rather than the forward.

Other than those few mistakes, your description is really good!

Originality/Plot: 27/30

I love how the story is based on SHINee’s music, being a shawol myself. I think this is a good way to bring those who aren’t exactly interested in SHINee to know them better especially because I know that after reading the mentioned songs in each of your chapters, I listen to those songs as I read.

As for the SHINee-meets-fan-and-falls-in-love-at-first-sight idea, it isn’t as original after seeing it done SO MANY TIMES on AFF.

Grammar/Punctuation/Writing Style: 23/30

After reading your description and noting that you tended to not use full stops a lot in your sentences, I had been expecting longer, descriptive sentences in your story. I was really shocked to find that your sentences were really short. I think you need more descriptive words like adjectives and adverbs which will draw the readers in as well as make your sentences flow.

You don’t have any spelling errors, so I’ll reward marks for that! Your punctuation is mostly in the right places. I think it’s just the flow of your story that needs a little work on. It improves a little throughout every chapter, however I think you could definitely give it that little more to turn it into a great story!

As always, my classmates snickered and I could feel their stares piercing my back. I wished I could just turn invisible. They’ve been like this to me ever since I entered this school at the beginning of the year. My parents had decided to move out from Pyeongtaek to Seoul, due to job requirements. I waited for the bell to ring anxiously, for it to free me from this pretty-far-from-Hell-but-still-like-Hell class.

Could be written as:

As always, my classmates snickered behind my back and I could feel their piercing stares. At that moment, I wished that I could just turn invisible. They’ve been like this to me ever since I entered this school at the beginning of the year after my parents had decided to move out of Pyeongtaek and to Seoul due to job requirements.

I waited anxiously for the bell to ring, to free me from this pretty-far-from-hell-but-still-like-hell class.

By writing it with longer sentences, the readers don’t have to stop every second when you start a new sentence. Try reading through your sentences more and ask yourself whether it sounds right or not. Another thing to remember is, when you switch topics after a sentence, put it in the next paragraph, otherwise it sounds too sudden.

Arrived home, I locked the door behind me and set the pink scrumptious-looking cupcake on the kitchen table. I went into my room and opened the computer; I set down my bag next to it and went to change into pyjamas. I came back in front of the computer and opened my Music folder.

Could be:

Arriving home, I locked the door behind me and set my pink scrumptious-looking cupcake on the kitchen table. I went to my room and opened the computer, setting down my bag next to it whilst changing into pyjamas. I came back to my computer and opened my music folder.

When writing, I tend to avoid using colons and semi-colons because not many readers know who to use them the correct way. Instead of colons, commas and full-stops are extremely useful and reader-friendly! J

A thing to note, is that when you incorporate the songs by SHINee into the text, try to avoid saying things like.

It was Helloby SHINee.

I celebrated by putting Love Still Goes Onfrom… You guessed it, SHINee~!

Instead, you could just add more lyrics for example for Hello, you could add in the chorus. I’m sure readers will know which song you are talking about without you needing to mention it. I’m glad to see that throughout the chapters, the amount of times you mention songs is lessened.

Your story improves throughout each chapter, which is good to see!

Character/Detail: 7/10

Your characters are well interpreted in your story. I can relate from Jonghyun’s personality in the forward to his personality presented in the story.

Slightly more detail is definitely needed. Detail is one of the most important things when writing stories. A good author can write up to one whole page, describing one single thing.

Total: 80/100

General Comments:

I really enjoyed reading your story! Despite the lack of detail and tiny errors, your story is fantastic! I think you can push yourself just a little further to get better results in your stories! Good luck with it and hope to see one of your stories in the recommended list one day!

:)

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