Hey! xforevax here...again T.T Honestly, this is not helping me seem as though I have no life. Anyways...let's continue.

Title:The Proper Poise

Author:Machi Shupp

Brief description of story:7 years old, Lee Taemin was engaged to a 6 year boy named Choi Minho, one of the richest family in London. Now that they are engaged, they are forced to hold a wedding when Taemin reaches the age of 16.

Genre: Comedy, Romance
 

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Title: 8/10

Okay, to be completely honest with you, when I read your title I had no idea what it meant. I asked around the rest of my year nine friends and they also had no idea. So I did the most mature thing I could (mind you I should have done this from the very start) and searched it up on Google. So what I’ve been able to gather is poise pretty much means balance. It’s an interesting title, but not something I’d personally be drawn to.

Description/Foreword: 11/20

Your description doesn’t fully match your story as of chapter nine. It jumps all over the place. First we know that Taemin (7) is engaged to Minho (I’m guessing 13). Then we know that are forced to get married. Then out of nowhere, BAM! We find out they want to reproduce!! Try to make the description flow a little. The point of having a description is to give the reader an insight of what the story is about and also to draw the reader in. For that reason, I think you need to change it. Also, there are grammatical errors in this:

This…

7 years old, Lee Taemin was engaged to a 6 year boy named Choi Minho, one of the richest family in London

…makes no sense. I kind of get an idea of what you are trying to say, but you need to convey that clearer. What I’m guessing is that you want to say Taemin is seven, Minho is six years older than him, thus making him thirteen. Minho is the name of a person, not the name of an entire family, so you can’t say …Choi Minho, one of the richest family in London. Also, number need to be typed in word form, not numerical form, however any number above thirty can be typed in numerical form in a story.

So, what I’m guessing you wanted to say was this:

Seven year old, Lee Taemin, was engaged to a thirteen year old boy named Choi Minho, the son of one of the richest families in London.

This:

…they are forced to hold a wedding when Taemin reaches the age of sixteen.

Should be:

…they are forced to hold a wedding once Taemin reaches the age of sixteen.

And finally, this:

But how would they produce an offspring when both of them are men?

Really, this question doesn’t fit in with the description. There is absolutely no problem with having it there but the word but is a contradictory word. So by placing ‘but’ at the beginning of the sentence you are contradicting the sentence before. This sentence definitely doesn’t contradict the sentence before. It has absolutely nothing to do with the sentence before it. So for that reason, I don’t think you need it in your description.

But, if you do want to use it, this is what it should be:

How will they produce offspring if they are both men?

I liked how you placed your prologue in your foreword, however there are still errors. But I won’t mention any.

Originality/Plot: 28/30

This is definitely a very original story. However, the plot is pretty hard to follow. It is really absurd, and I find it hard to picture any of this happening. First question I’d like to ask you, why is the world would a mother want her son to marry a male? At that age I’m pretty sure a child hasn’t fully matured let alone realise he or she may be homoual. So for a mother to actually decide that…just…bottles my mind.

Grammar/Punctuation/Writing Style: 20/30

There aren’t really any major issues in your grammar or punctuation. It’s just small things that pop up throughout the chapters. I think if you read it through a few times you should be able to pick them up.

Just make sure to keep an eye on your tense.

This:

He didn't felt stressed up nor like he was dying.

Should be:

He didn’t feel stressed out nor like he was dying.

And also:

Did I brought it with me?

Should be:

Did I bring it with me?

There are other errors scattered across the story. For example, this:

"What should I do.."

Should be:

“What should I do?”

Overall, your grammar is okay. Once again, just proof read your work. This will definitely eliminate most of the errors.

Character/Detail: 8/10

I have a few problems with your characterisations. Lady Choi, in particular, pisses me off. Sorry if I’m being a , but she really does. So before I go any further, I just want to ask, are readers supposed to be pissed off at Lady Choi? She has got to be the worst mother I have ever read of. The major reason why she pisses me off is because she decides to get marry off her son to another male, whom also doesn’t feel comfortable with the idea. For that reason alone, I was put off by the story. However, the characters do develop well and there is a good amount of detail.   

TOTAL: 75/100

General Comments:

Sorry, if I sounded harsh whilst writing this review, I just wanted to give you honest opinions so you can improve. Once again, a very original idea, but it isn’t something that I could read and think if that actually happened in reality it would be awesome, nor did I think I could actually picture it happening. As for you question on recommendation, I don’t actually read any stories. I do read rated stuff, just not . However, for you (^^) I went around and looked at various ones. Some good authors would probably be… 000095, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t write but her is pretty good. Who else…ummm…perhaps the featured story ‘dirty hot dreams’ or one of the previous stories ‘alphabet ’? I’m seriously not good at these sorts of things, so I’m pretty sure I wasn’t much help. Good luck on writing the scenes and finishing the story!

HWAITING!!

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xforevax 2011