Hey! xforevax here again, filling in for SHINeegirl910 :D She is still really busy...not that I don't have a life, I'm just happy exams are over and felt like updating :D

Author: SSZE_A501

Brief description of story: 소원을 들어드립니다 Making your wish come true

There is a guy who makes peoples wish come true.
His name was Yang Yoseob.
Kim Hyewon, has a problem with her boyfriend Lee Kikwang.
So, her friend Jang Bora wanted to help her,
that she called Yoseob up, telling him that her friend has a problem with her boyfriend.

She had made the wish.
But she finally realised that she is getting more closer to Yoseob
more than getting back with Kikwang.
So, she wanted to cancel it when...
Yoseob said, wants you make a wish, you cant cancel it.

Would she be back with Kikwang

OR

Would she fall in love with Yoseob?

Genre: Romance

 

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Title: 9/10

This title does in fact draw readers in, however is quite cheesy. People who are like me will absolutely adore titles like this, when I was looking through all the forms for reviews SHINeegirl910 was getting, I went straight to your story. It reminded me of one of those sickly romantic dramas I crave for like a pregnant woman would when it comes to chocolate. However, people who aren’t like me would turn away from the story, because it already seems too cliché. However, I happen to really like the title, so I’m not docking the marks by a lot for that reason.

Description/ Foreword: 14/20

I liked both your description and your foreword (I don’t usually give marks for forewords but you’ve given me a reason to ^^). Both were clean, cut and to the point. As a reader, I could easily read and get drawn in, ultimately wanting for more. The only reason why I’m deducting marks is for grammar errors.

There is a guy who makes peoples wish come true. (There is a guy who can make people’s wishes come true)
His name was Yang Yoseob. (His name is Yang Yoseob.)
Kim Hyewon, has a problem with her boyfriend Lee Kikwang. (Kim Hyewon has a problem with her boyfriend, Lee Kikwang.)
So, her friend Jang Bora wanted to help her,
that she called Yoseob up, telling him that her friend has a problem with her boyfriend. (Her friend, Jang Bora, wanted to help her, so she called Yoseob telling him her friend was having problems with her boyfriend.)

She had made the wish. (She made a wish.)
But she finally realised that she is getting more closer to Yoseob
more than getting back with Kikwang. (But she was realising she was getting closer to Yoseob rather than getting back together with Kikwang.)
So, she wanted to cancel it when... (So she wanted to cancel it.)
Yoseob said, wants you make a wish, you cant cancel it. (“Once you make a wish, you can’t cancel it,” Yoseob said.)

Would she be back with Kikwang (Will she get back together with Kikwang?)

OR

Would she fall in love with Yoseob? (Will she fall in love with Yoseob?)

Once again, remember to proof read your work, it really helps you in the long run.

Originality/Plot: 30/30

Very original with an easy to follow plot. Overall, very good job!

Grammar/Punctuation/Writing Style: 21/30

Honestly speaking, I am very proud of you. I know I’m sounding like a cocky , or even very much like a mother, but I really am proud of you. The grammar/punctuation in this story wasn’t as bad as your other story, which shows that you have improved. Improvement is always better than no improvement at all.

I’m particularly happy about your dialogue. However, there is still a little thing you need to fix.

This:

"I'm not crazy, i'm normal."

Bora replied as she did nothing bad to me.

Should be:

“I’m not crazy, I’m normal,” Bora replied as though she did nothing bad to me.

You state who was talking straight after the dialogue, not in the next paragraph (under it). Just fix that and you will be correctly using dialogue. Also, I think it’s a good idea to write only phone conversations in brackets […] but when she talks to Yoseob in chapter fifteen the dialogue is written in brackets.

The major error I have picked up is your use of tense. You are constantly jumping back and forth between present and past tense which is a big no no. I’m guessing you were aiming for past tense, and if that is so then most verbs should end with –ed or –ied etc.

For example, this:

Tears came out of my eyes when I was thinking about Kikwang..

Should be:

Tears came out of my eyes as I thought of Kikwang…

The other major error is your paragraphing. You break up your sentences into paragraphs too regularly.

This:

When I looked at Yosebo who was with another girl
I had this weird un-wanted feeling that I backed up
and ran towards Bora.

Should be:

When I looked at Yoseob with another girl I felt this weird unwanted feeling so I backed up and ran towards Bora.

This is one sentence and it’s best to keep it that way. The reader’s reading path becomes a lot easier because they read it as though they were reading a book. Instead of reading in a smooth path, they constantly have to move on to the next paragraph. Paragraphing breaks up ideas, not each sentence. 

HOWEVER, at chapter fifteen your writing is a lot better. Actually, throughout the entire story your writing improves. Very good sign :D You really are doing well, just continue to fix up your errors and you writing shall be better.

Character/Detail: 8/10

Honestly speaking, you need a bit more detail. You don’t have so little that, as a reader, I don’t understand what is going on. If your dialogue is fixed up adding detail should be a lot easier. Your characters develop pretty well in this story.

Total: 82/100

General Comments: Overall, I think the story was pretty good. Just fix the grammar and add more detail and it’ll be a great story. Good luck with the rest of the story :D

HWAITING

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xforevax 2011