xxii

Chasing Summer: Autumn

   Spring came to an end, and summer began. Myungsoo thought he would be able to throw the past away, but it consumed him all the more. And one summer night, he couldn’t take it any longer.

   Myungsoo wondered if God could ever welcome him home; if He could tell him that He was waiting for him. He questioned just what kind of God would accept a person so broken he’d take the razor he hid for the longest time, lock himself up in the bathroom he didn’t own and slit his arms while choking because of his suffocating tears.

   His vision was blurred, but he could see the crimson liquid oozing out from his flesh. It was thick, angry and ugly. Like his heart. He was sobbing, and breathing was difficult for him. Not long after, the rusty smell of blood filled the room. He thought he wouldn’t have to do this again. He thought he was clear. He thought he was getting better. His hands writhed in pain, but he kept on going. He lost count of the cuts, and he wondered if he would have to do it on his thighs, as well. Or on his stomach. He just wanted the agony inside of him to stop.

   See didn’t I tell you Myungsoo there’s no use in trying to change you’ll stay the same for the rest of your life once a cutter always a cutter your own father hurt you Myungsoo he keeps on hurting you nobody will stick around you if your God is real then why are these things happening to you why don’t you answer me—

   “Shut up…”

   And your God took Daehyun away too you loved him didn’t you but your God took him away do you know why because He doesn’t want you to be happy He doesn’t want a cutter like you to be happy who would love people with scars on their bodies who would look after people with a messed up family who would look after you you you

   “Shut up!”

   That’s right Myungsoo cut more because that just proves your worth which is nothing nobody will care anyway so do what you want it’s your body so do what you want with it—

   “Shut. Up!

   Myungsoo coughed and sobbed, and when he was about to make another slit, his phone vibrated. He looked at the name, and more tears emerged from his eyes. He planned to not answer it, but his trembling finger automatically swiped the screen.

   “Myungsoo?” Suzy’s voice bounced all over the walls. “I’m in front of the house right now but there are no lights. Are you in there?”

   “I…I am,” he whispered hoarsely.

   He heard the door from downstairs open up.

   “But where are you?” she asked. There was the sound of lights getting switched on. “Have you eaten dinner yet? Mom, Dad and Sang Moon are all going to come home late.”

   He stayed quiet. He looked at his ugly cuts, and thought, “What have I done?”

   “I’m sorry,” he whimpered.

   Silence.

  “I’m really sorry…”

   He heard her rapid footfalls. “Myungsoo, are you in your room?”

   “I’m sorry…”

   He heard her running around the second floor, only to stop in front of the door. He slowly walked towards the door. He leaned his back against it, and sat down on the tiled floor. He could feel her warmth.

   “What are you sorry for?” she was gentle with her words.

   “It just hurts,” he sobbed. “Everything’s so screwed up, Suzy. And I feel like—I freaking promised I wouldn’t have to do this again but I blew it. I blew everything up.”

   “It only hurts just now,” she whispered over the phone. “Just now. Think it over, please.”

   And so he sighed in defeat, dropped the blade, and listened to her breathe.

   “Myungsoo,” she coaxed. “Open the door, hm?”

   “I’m ashamed,” he admitted. “I don’t want you to see me like this; I don’t want anyone to see me like this.”

   Suzy closed her eyes, and placed her hands on the door.

   “Who would accept me, Suzy?” he asked. “I’ve made a mess of myself.”

   “God would,” she answered quietly. “He knows what we did, what we’re doing and what we’re about to do. He sees every heart, so you don’t have to hide.”

   “Why?” he questioned. “Why would God accept me?”

   “Because He loves you.”

   Myungsoo shook his head no. “Why would He love someone like me?”

   “Because God loves the world,” a slight pause. “And that includes you.”

   The past conversation he had with Daehyun came rushing back to him. He remembered asking the similar question, but Myungsoo figured that he still couldn’t fathom that kind of love. That was why he kept on degrading himself; that was why he kept on listening to that voice whenever he was on the verge of breaking down.

   “You’re more than this, Myungsoo,” Suzy urged. “You’re more than your screw ups and your problems.”

   Myungsoo finally opened the door for her, and his eyes widened. Suzy was crying, too. She dropped the call and shoved her phone in her pocket. She held his hands, and carefully looked at his arms, full of cuts. Without saying anything she led Myungsoo to sit on the toilet bowl’s cover. She took out a kit from the medicine cabinet and dug through until she found what she was looking for. She placed several drops of Betadine on a cotton ball, and carefully dabbed it on his cuts. She was kneeling on the floor, while he could only stare at the top of her head. Subconsciously, his gaze was fixed on her eyelashes.

   “You cried,” he murmured.

   “I was hurting,” she replied.

   “Why?”

   “Because you were.”

   Silence engulfed the both of them. Afterwards, she carefully wrapped the bandage around his arms. With a dark cloth, she wiped the bloodstains away from the tiles. Myungsoo sat there, dazed. Suzy—his Sunshine—was on the floor, cleaning the mess he made. She was there, not saying anything. She didn’t say what he did was disgusting. She didn’t accuse him of being a freak.

   Suzy picked the bloody razor up from the floor. “Myungsoo, can we burn this?”

<:>

   Sunggyu logged out after video chatting with his family. He heard the news about Myungsoo, and how he was found by Suzy.

   He stood up from his swivel chair, and headed for his apartment’s veranda, which showed the wide stretch of urban buildings and the bright sky ahead. Cars rushed by below him. Sunggyu sighed, and remembered that one night when he was still twenty-one. He was already getting steady with Sunye, and in order to surprise her, he went to their house without permission. Nobody was at home, but he could hear water running from where he stood. Out of instinct, he broke into his own girlfriend’s house, only to find her unconscious in the bathroom.

   The water dissolved the blood coming out from her arms. She was and soaked. Sunggyu could still remember the fear he felt, and the way he cried out her name. He turned the shower off, wrapped her pale body with his jacket and carried her off into his car. Tensely, he drove to the nearest hospital. That was when he realized that he had deeper feelings for her.

   By the time Sunye regained consciousness, Sunggyu asked her why she did what she did. Her response was, “It just hurts.”

   He blinked his own tears away, and he found himself asking, “Will you have the same realization, Suzy?”

<:>

   Myungsoo wore long sleeves despite the humid temperature. He didn’t want others to see his scars. He didn’t want to answer uncomfortable questions. He didn’t want to get stared at.

   But Sungyeol found out.

   “It’s getting hotter by the day,” Sungyeol remarked, as he sipped on his iced coffee. There were no customers in sight, so both friends stayed outside to have a breather.

   Myungsoo took a generous gulp from his own beverage.

   “How are your wounds?”

   Myungsoo’s eyes widened. He choked out, “Let’s not talk about this.”

   Sungyeol looked ahead. “Remember last spring? When you had to be a stand-in for our guitarist? We heard you screaming back then, so we ran.”

   Myungsoo raked his right hand through his dark hair, and sighed.

   “Was that the reason for you to hurt yourself to this extent?” Sungyeol’s words were sharp and frank. Some would think he was tactless and cocky, but beneath those sentences was sincerity only a certain Lee Sungyeol could offer.

   “And more,” Myungsoo added.

   “Do other people know?”

   “The Bae family does, and Pastor Kang.”

   Sungyeol laughed. “I can’t believe you’d know a pastor, Myungsoo.”

   “Daehyun used to go to their church. That’s how I met him.”

   “I see.”

   Myungsoo looked at Sungyeol, and before he could even stop himself, he asked, “Hey, are you free over the weekend?”

   “Yeah.”

   “Wanna attend church with me on Sunday?”

   There was a hesitant glint in Sungyeol’s eyes, but he agreed. Being around with Myungsoo for a while, he knew his friend’s shortcomings and problems. What intrigued him was the way Myungsoo would write Bible verses every now and again on a paper napkin, as if he were memorizing them. He could see him changing gradually, as well. What truly intrigued him was despite Myungsoo’s flaws, he still went to church. And Sungyeol always had the notion that only perfect people went there. That was why he never bothered going, because he knew he was broken. He figured that he needed to fix his mess up before approaching those (as he would describe them) holy people.

   “I’m not much into religion, though,” Sungyeol admitted.

   Myungsoo smiled. “It’s okay. The church isn’t, too.”

   He gave his friend a confused look, and before Myungsoo could speak, a group of customers entered the café.

   “You don’t have to be perfect to be there,” Myungsoo briefly explained. “Let’s get to work.”


"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
- John 3:16

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gaksitalGaksital
#1
Chapter 17: This is such a beautiful story! However I feel like it's written for Christians? I'm not sure if you're intending to preach secretly in the story so I cant focus on the main plot. =/
anitaklr24
#2
Chapter 38: It is spring again, and I return to this story again too because It is a meaningful and so well written story.
anitaklr24
#3
Chapter 38: I always return to read it again.
Loveukworld
#4
Chapter 29: Its too warm
Loveukworld
#5
Chapter 13: Great writting.. great..!!!!
Loveukworld
#6
Chapter 12: Myungsoo was. For once happy... Its hurting...
Loveukworld
#7
Chapter 6: A thumbs up for ur innocence author nim
Loveukworld
#8
Chapter 3: Oh the entry of a mischievous boy there... Nam wohyun...
sanaonboard
#9
Chapter 38: I’m happy how things turn out at the end. Thank you for showing us how great God’s love for us is. I hope you’ll keep on writing! :)
sanaonboard
#10
Chapter 12: I’ve reread this every year around this time and I still cannot get over the fact that Daehyun dies.