chapter 1
Can i keep you?
Its cold, i feel my fingers freezing. i dont even remember why i run away from home, maybe to proof a point to my parents. maybe to proof myself to them. my face feels like a stone, i have a runny-nose and i know i should turn around and go back home but i cant. i made a big dramatic exit and i would look foolish if i go back.
is five o'clock but the sky makes seem like its ten. im just seven years old and i think i understand the world but i dont, i admit that. but does anyone really understands the world? people pass by me like im nothing.
everyone walks because they are busy, wanting to go home wanting to be somewhere warm. i put my hands inside my jacket, but i still feel cold. i hear a song, that i know so well but i cant remember where i heard it. i run alittle trying to find the place where they are playing the song. as im getting closer, i start to remember where i heard it from.
it was on the tip of my tongue and i have to get out. i keep running, and i can feel it. i want to touch it, i want to feel close to the song. i keep running and song becomes louder and louder. i stop when i see the store infront of me, where they are playing the music. i smile even when i dont remember where i heard it from.
maybe i should go home, maybe i should stop acting like a kid. and just go home. i turn around, and i walk to the direction where i be happy again. even when i get mad at them, they are still my parents. and they want the best for me, even when im dramatic sometimes.
i stop as the light turns red, i wasnt the only one there. alot of people stop too and i feel short. someone bumps me, i turn to see him. browish hair and big doll beautiful eyes. sad eyes. he keeps walking even when he knows she shouldnt. the light turns green and cars beging to drive.
people see the boy walking, he might be a year older than me. but no one stops him, people didnt care. but i do "hey!" i yell but he keeps moving, some cars avoid him, but not all will. i run towards him and i see a car, driving not at the right speed.
i run towars him, my body is not strong enough for both us. but i can try to protect him. i hug him and i wait for the car to hit my body to save his.
why did i save him?
~
10 YEARS LATER..
theres alot of noise everywhere you turn. people eating, people looking at me. wondering whos going to take care of me. i walk around just like a zombie, nodding without understanding whats going on. people putting their hands on my should and saying 'im sorry for your lost'. i dont believe they are sorry. im walking around the house, a house that used to have laughter.
and now, all i see is black. i go upstairs and i open my room. my room is the only thing that is the same, and i feel warm. i lay down on my bed and i close my eyes, hoping tomorrow would be different. just hoping gives me alittle strenght.
i wake up and is november 26, i realize i aslept through. i get up just like any other day. except my mom is not yelling at me to come down stairs. in fact i think im alone in this house. i put my uniform on, without missing anything i leave the house. the sky is sunny, like someone color it to hide my pain. i put my headphones on, and i choose my song.
the one i wrote two days ago. of course the lyrics are happy lyrics, because two days ago i was a happy person. now i feel like the lyrics are fake, are they even my lyrics? it seems like i stole them. maybe i did.
i enter the school and everyone starts talking about me. i cant read minds but i bet is something like 'oh did you hear lay's parents die' 'i wonder whos going to take care of him' 'is he going to drop out of school, to work?' is the overreacted questions people always have when they hear someones family die. i just never thought it was going to be mine.
"so dont be afraid, you would get there" i hear Chen's voice, he was singing "so come out, out and let me in" he puts his arm around me huging me tight "please, Chen dont." he looks at me, like if he doesnt have a clue what im saying "what are you talking about? those are the new lyrics for our song!" Chen stands infront of me, stoping me. he hits my shoulder playfully.
"and i already picture it, me having a guitar solo. im not asking much but seven minute would be good" i laugh, it was weird hearing my laughter after what happened. but it feels good in a-weird-not-on-this-world-kind-of-feeling "seven minutes? are you crazy!?" i return the hit, but i hit him harder "auch! i told you im very sensible"
we hear a laughter coming from Kai "sensible? then why did you hurt all of those girl?" Chen turns around "oh see your words hurt me, how can i show people love when you hurt me first?" i laugh again, that was the kind of guy that Chen was. the one that always takes things like a joke, at first i thought it was a bad thing. taking life as a joke. no morals
but after i got to know Chen, i realize taking the world as a joke only makes you not care. and not caring makes you stronger "shut up Chen" Kai says, he looks at me and he makes a very uncontrollable face "my mom....she said...uhm..if you need a place to stay...you can stay with us..." i smile, Kai he might seem like his a rebel and hates people.
but Kai is a combination between me and Chen. in another words Kai is my son "thanks Kai, but im okay" alittle of awkwardness then the bell rings "oh come on are we girls now?" Chen puts an arm around me and he does the same with Kai "are you here to rock and roll? or are we here to play with dolls?" Chen yells and we just laugh
"we are here to rock and roll!" Kai and me yell, everyone is so used to us, so people dont pay attention anymore.
~
"okay 1, 2, 3" the guy who plays the drums starts to play them, its the same song we wrote like a week ago. its not a sad song, but is a song about love. something that im not really feeling right now.
"let me, let me be the one that shows you love" i feel like im yelling the lyrics, theres no emotion on them. im a robot
"uh uh" Chen and Kai sing their lines, they are my backup vocals
"so open your heart and let me in" i have no strenght to end with a long note, i dont feel the song. i dont feel anything "im sorry guys, im just not into the song" they come closer to me and they understand, but they dont want to give me pity words "lets end this practice early. and lets have some drinks"
im so drunk that im starting to see double, but the bartender keeps giving us beers so i guess im not that drunk "cheer guys" we raise our drinks up and hitting the bottles. a sip after sip "oh guys you know what we should do?" Chen says but before he could continue to talk he takes a drink of his beer. in my eyes it seem like the most interesting topic
"we should just run away, like those great bands did" we all nod, we were drunk but at least we know deep inside this is just a big 'talk' "i have money that i have saved up, with that money we can eat for a month" Chen and me hug Kai.
i feel like im losing my mind. i hear big laughter, and shouting and singing. and i think is me, i put my head down for what it seems like a second, but when i raise my head again everyone is gone.
"come on Lay you have to go" Kangin starts to clean the bar up, i was still lost. my eyesight was not good, i was walking like if i was afraid of the floor "theres a taxi waiting for you outside already" i nod, well at least that what i think i did.
~
i put my head on my desk, i have a hangover. i dont feel good, i feel tired and i have the biggest headache ever. my teacher starts to talk about the great old beethoven, about how he couldnt hear and yet he compose amazing music. i dont want to be dramatic but i wish i was deaf, the voice of the teacher is super annoying right now.
i raise my head but all i see is blurry people, i close my eyes then i open them again. but nothing change, i feel my head moving in circles. my stomach hurts, i think my breakfast wants to come out, i stand up and everyone looks at me. i dont know what to say, but before i could try to explain myself someone opens the door.
"hello everyone, im Luhan your new student" and thats when i pass out.
~
"is he going to be okay, doctor?" the boy has a accent, i used to have one too
"yes, but he needs to take his pills"
"pills?"
i got tired of them talking like if im not here, i open my eyes and my vision is back "oh your awake!" he hugs me like an old friend "why are you hugging me?" i move away, he takes his arms around me and just smiles "sorry" the doctor gives me a smile of be-nice-to-him "Luhan here save your life" "save my life?" the doctor and Luhan nod
"yeah, you almost choke on your vomit" i look away because apart from drinking i know what cause the problem.
"that means you havent taking your pills"
"i told you those pills..." i look at Luhan and i stop talking, theres no need for him to hear this conversation "i would like to speak with you in private" Luhan nods "i be outside" he leaves the room, and the sweet smell he was caring is gone. somehow he makes the room feel empty...
"those pills make me feel depress, and i hate the feeling"
"we said they were going to take some time"
"doctor i dont have time! okay i just want to feel better"
~
"are you sure is safe for you to go back to school?" Luhan keeps on following me, since i left the hospital the same day "yes" he walks behind me so carefully, like im a baby learning how to walk. even when he touches me, it feel so light so careful "dont worry Lay, i would help you with everything" i stop walking and i look at
him.
in my ears his accent feel so use, like if i heard it before. never getting tired by it "what do you want?" he shrugs "what every one wants" "and whats that?" Luhan smiles and looks at the street, i follow his eyes but i didnt understand what he was trying to say "im leaving" i keep walking, and Luhan stands behind me. not to close not to far.
just the right distance, but i feel his warm. i feel his smile behind me. how do i know his smiling? i dont know, i just do. is a feeling of unknown and to be known. is the feeling of caring, and protecting.
he was my shadow, one i know for so long. but at the same time i dont. it was the coldness of a morning but it was the blanket of the afternoon. he was the song that i keep repeating but at the same time he was the lyrics i didnt know yet.
~
i get home and i found the light on. it reminds me of when my parents used to be alive. i open the door and i smell the sweet onions and bread, someone was cooking on the kitchen. i follow the smell just to find a face that i havent seen in along time "what are you doing here?" Suho stops cooking at just looks at me, not sure what to say.
"your parents..."
"get out!" i yell, he jumps alittle surprise at my voice "Lay...your parents left me in charge of you" "you cant call me Lay" i drop my bag and i run upstairs, just like the kid that iam. i hear footsteps and i know his coming. i lock the door as a sit down on the floor "please Yixing open the door" he knocks slowly "im sorry, okay. im sorry i couldnt protect your parents" i hear him sigh
"they knew i could take care of you, i might not love you as much as your parents ever did. but i would treat you as well as them" silence fill my room and outside. i dont hate Suho, i just think is ed up that that trip was for him. not for my parents. he should of taking that plane not my parents. if that would of happen, my parents would be alive right now. i hear footsteps getting further and further away.
tonight i know im going to have nightmares. hopefully if i think of Luhan's smile i would have a good dream.
~
"Lay! Lay!" i stop as i hear Chen calling out my name, he was running towards me "Lay i have the perfect lyrics for our new song" "oh yeah" Chen smiles, like if he had found the cure to cancer "yes, hear this" he pretends his playing the guitar "see i start with a little solo" continues to 'pretend' to play guitar "then i low 'oh' coming from Kai's mouth, that his line" i smile
"then, low bass starts" Chen pretends his playing the bass "and you follow Kai 'oh'" Kai comes and stands next to me "oh Kai your here, pretend your playing the bass" "no Chen im not going to pretend" Chen hits Kai and the scenes begins to play in slow motion. laughter begins to play in slow motion too, i smile and in the crowd i find Luhan.
time had stop just so my eyes can find him. something is weird, why would this boy come to my life out of nowhere. he sees me and begins to wave his hand, i get the urge to do the same thing but Chen hits me and thats when time was back to normal "Lay, pay attention your line is coming" i nod "okay your first line, you used me, and i believe your words. and i continue to love you"
Kai continues to pretend like his playing the bass, it was hard not to say no to Chen and more when it comes to music "then more solo for me" Kai and me look at each other and we begin to hit Chen "okay, okay" Chen covers his face "okay fine no more solos" the three of us begin to laugh and thats when Luhan appears "hi guys" his accent was still there, but i didnt mind
"oh and whos this?" Kai hits Chen on the arm "his the boy that was following Lay around yesterday" Chen covers his mouth in a dramatic way "oh yes, yes i remember now" Chen strenches his arm "hi, im Chen" Luhan shakes Chens hand "hi, im Luhan" "nice to meet you" no one had a way to continue with the conversation so all of us stay quiet.
"what were you guys doing?" Luhan puts his hand in his pockets, i notice them before they were red but the weather wasnt cold "oh we are in a band, im the leader" Kai hits Chen "Lay is the leader" Chen corrects himself, but Luhan just laughs "oh cool i used to write too" "really?" i finally open my mouth "yes, my mom was my teacher"
"oh you were home school?" Kai ask
"yeah"
"you might singing for us?" Chen ask, but i have to admit i was curious too. if he has a lovely voice right now, imagine singing
"uh okay" Luhan cleans his throat "you keep calling me, but i can answer the phone. knowing your going to beg again" his voice was soft as a whisper but strong as a normal volume "so keep the love, and keep your words because i dont need them anymore" he takes a breath to continue again "love is not something you can play, but if you keep looking me with those eyes i might fall for you again"
Luhan looks at the ground, then slowly his eyes raise and meet mine "love is something you have to protect, i told you i would fight for you but you just throw my love away, and you forgot my name" the bell rings and Chen and Kai start to walk. Luhan and I keep looking at each other, was that song for me?
~
"okay lets continue with the song you wrote Chen" Chen nods, we were in our practice room. this summer we had jobs and with the money we earned we bought this small room, that became our practice room. my parents helped alot too, because in my parents eyes Chen and Kai were also their kids "wait weres our drummer?" "he said he was coming late" my anxiety slowly comes back.
no one knows that i have Asperger's Syndrome. it hit me when i was seven, its not that different from autism. i wouldnt die or anything, but my life is kinda like a schedule, i have to do the same thing every day. if i dont anxiety kicks in, i begin to hurt myself as my brain cant understand this 'new knowledge' "okay lets just practice the song"
i begin to hit myself on the leg "is everything okay Lay?" i nod "okay i wrote the lyrics down and i made copies" Chen gives a paper to Kai and one to me, but i make it to a ball and throw it across the room "why did you do that?" Chen ask not mad but he just didnt understand why. Kai stands up and looks at me like if im crazy or something.
i begin to hit myself alittle bit harder this time "Lay are you okay?" Kai gives a step towards me, i begin to pull my hair and thats when Kai runs to me "Lay, calm down" i continue to pull my hair, it hurts me but i cant stop "Chen call an ambulance" "Lay come down" i start to hit my face, and i feel bruses forming. i hear a door open, it might be Chen.
but the smell that enter my nose was someone i recognize "Lay!" Luhan hugs me but i continue to hit my face, he grabs my arms and continues to look at me. i know whats his hoping, he hopes that by looking at his eyes i would calm down. but i wouldnt, i cant. because i cant control myself "Lay, please!" he hugs me, and the smell enters my nose more.
now that smell is carve on my nose "Lay can i keep you?" he whispers on my ear, and i slowly faint. losing control over my body, slowly my body turns to my old self again.
----
side note i made Asperger's Syndrome more dramatic, than what really is.
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