My tears turn into painful sobs as Sehun slowly blurs from my sight. I wish I can chase after him and tell him that I love him the way he wants me to, that I can equally reciprocate the love that he has for me—but I know I can’t, and my heart is not in my possession anymore.

My heart aches so much, because I never deserved Sehun and hurting him is the last thing I ever wanted to happen. I loathe myself, because why can’t I fall in love with him? Why can’t I force my goddamn stupid heart to beat for him? Why can’t I love the right guy?!

It doesn’t make sense. 

In every way, I hurt everyone that surrounds me. I hurt Sehun, I hurt Jaera, I might hurt Jongin too. No matter what option I choose, there would always be someone that I'd hurt in the end. Nothing is going to be fine, and now I understand why I never belonged in the real world, for I never deserve to love and to be loved.

I want everyone to be happy, but my existence is like a ball of pain that bounces in their life—and now I’m thinking, if I am not here, will everything be finally okay?

The loads in my chest are slowly choking me that I can hardly breathe. It bleeds inside... It really, really hurts.

I'm not a bad person; I never wanted to cause so much pain to everyone that I love. I never wanted this.

As I drag myself to my room, Jaera stands along the way, blocking me. I still can’t stop my tears, and I gaze at her, and my tears flow all the more. Jaera is looking at me with a deep flicker in her eyes. I sniffle, and I can’t walk further. In a beat of shock, I find myself inside my sister's hug.

Jaera cups my face and thumbs the tears in my cheeks. It intensifies my tears to flow harder. I don’t know why she's holding me like this, but I’m already unloading.

Hushing me, Jaera holds my hand. "I saw you and Sehun from my window..." She says, "I don’t know what you guys talked about but I understand what I saw..."

I gulp and quiver as I gaze agonizingly at her.

Jaera takes a deep breath and gives me a long, strong look. "If you're dumping him because of me, please don't.."

I feel my breath stop.

"If you're holding back your feelings for him, just because you think that I will be mad at you... I won’t. Promise, I won’t.." Jaera say with a small smile on her lips.

I drop and shake my head, my grievances climbing so high that crying cant even pacify.

"Jaemi," Jaera sighs, "I'm sorry..." and her voice cracks as she tries to meet my eyes again.”I've been dying to apologize to you, but I find it so hard. I know I’ve been treating you so badly although you’ve never done anything to deserve it from me and I guess I was just... close-minded, that I didn’t... try to understand your situation when it was during those times that you needed me the most." Jaera inhales, "I have always loved you but I hate you at the same time, so when I saw how much Sehun loves you, I realized that I was never better than you.."

"Jaera.."

"I might be the confident and the intelligent one, but it didn’t get me the only thing that I wanted.." She tries for it to sound light, but I can feel the pain in her voice. "And I think, between the two of us? You are the right one for Sehun.. "

"J-Jaera please d—"

But Jaera shushes me off. "Don’t worry! I'll be fine! Sehun has been ignoring me for so long that it doesn’t hurt anymore..." She smiles. "And besides, I think Kai loves me."

My heart comes into a strong clench.

"Maybe I can love him back..." She says.

*

"Please dad," I beg, my voice cracking as I look at my father’s muddled eyes. "Please..." My tears start forming in my eyes again. "Please send me to grandma's..."

"You just came back from London and now you wanna leave again?" Dad asks, devastated.

"Y-You h-have to understand—"

"Honey, what is going on?" He says as he places all his things down. "Whatever it is that your mom taught you back there—"

"This is not about mom at all, dad. She has nothing to do with my decision."

"Then why are you suddenly asking me this?!" Dad raises his voice. "Jaemi, I know I've been lacking as a father but I'm all doing this for you and your sister. If you are demanding for my time, I'll find a way; I'll cancel all my schedules—"

"This isn’t even about you dad!" I exclaim in frustration.

"Then what?!"

"I j-just... want to... get out of this house. I've been locking myself in here since forever and I don’t want this life anymore!" I say, and the words that I discharged are half a truth and a lie. I am desperate, but I can’t tell him the real reasons. "P-Please understand, I don’t want to live like this anymore.."

I look at my dad with desperation in my eyes, and he falters, and all that he’s about to say next clogs in his mouth. His expression freezes. His eyes are trembling, confounded.

I choke, and tears finally stream down my face. My heart hurts so much and I want to escape from everything. My conversation with Jaera boggles my mind on a lot of things, on a lot of painful emotions that I can’t bear containing anymore. It just hurts. It hurts that I want to shut everyone out from my thoughts and my heart and I know it will be the best for me. After she stooped down and let go of the man she loves for me, I realized I don’t deserve her sacrifice. And when she said those painful words of Jongin loving her, it thrashed my heart so deep, like a thousand times, a million times even. As my delusion shattered, the pain has become apparent. I deserve nothing and what I have to do is to run away from the things that are never right for me.

My father’s expression pains as he watches me cry.

"Alright." He squirms, "When do you intend to leave?"

"Tomorrow.”

*

The morning is spent in packing. I ready two bags, filling them with clothes and trying to do it with a contented smile. I don’t know how I can explain this sudden decision to my sister and so I decide that I should just let it be; if she catches me tonight, then that's when I'll tell her that I'm actually leaving.

I think of Sehun, and I breathe painfully from the thoughts of him loathing of loving someone as unworthy as me. I’ve never done anything good for him anyway, which is why I still can’t understand why he fell in love with me, but I think he can easily forget about me when I'm gone, after all, I am nothing but a portrait of bad memories for him.

As I check on the other stuff I need to bring, two photographs fall on the ground from one of my bags. My sight jolts as I see myself and a man on the photos; he was kissing my nose, and I instantly remember the feelings I felt that day.  I try to shut my mind from the showering memories of him, but they just come in like flashes. The jabbing in my chest strikes again, and I sigh as I come to the conclusion that forgetting about him is the hardest thing that I need to do.

How did I ever get to this situation by the way? If I have not fallen for Jongin then forgetting should’ve been easier than this, and hurting Sehun will never be existent. If I was just s