case 02

chapter 21: love means never having to say you're sorry

It was odd coming home to a pair of suede pumps by the doorway. Even for the short time that he did live with a woman, Irene had always been fond of either six inch-heels –to try and close the gap between her and the bear-sized Johnny, she often said– or simple trainers for dancing. The ones at his doorway were pale, worn and had probably seen some years of hell – an office girl’s shoes.

Stepping over the threshold, Johnny found Jaehyun standing by the glass doors leading to the balcony, a cup of what was probably some brand of fancy- tea in his hands, staring into the night with an empty, vacant look in his eyes.

Jaehyun was the only person Johnny knew who could seem like he was both deep in thought and thinking about nothing at all. It was, in many ways, a reflection of his personality. In college, he was the guy who was often –intentionally– late for class or just completely absent altogether, ignoring conversations when they no longer piqued his interest, and forgetting names, faces, and dates simply because he couldn’t be bothered to include them in what he called his ‘selective memory’. It was like he never gave a about anything, perhaps because he could afford to not give a about anything.

But he was also the one who tutored Jungwoo when he was flunking that one mandatory mathematics class the Psychology majors had to take. He was the one who flew down to Tokyo with Yuta when no one else knew where the hell Yuta was going. He was the one who silently made sure the whole world knew Chanyeol was a philandering piece of – ironic for someone who, at some point, was quite a player himself. He was the one who made Johnny move in with them, though he did shove him into the smallest room – “beggars can’t be choosers, fool”, he had snorted. And he was the one who drove Seulgi to Incheon every Friday, dragged her to the ER whenever she worked so hard she needed a drip, and checked on her almost every hour of every day, as though she didn’t already have two brothers fussing all over her. Strange behavior for someone who mostly didn’t give a .

But strange things were second skin in Johnny’s life, at that point. Like the suede pumps in the doorway of a men’s apartment. They would all eventually fall into place in their own strange ways. “You having a girl over?” Johnny asked, sliding off his coat.

“Yeah,” Jaehyun replied, without the faintest attempt to lie. “Seulgi.”

Johnny’s eyes widened. He’s really done it now.

Jaehyun coolly sipped at his tea – literally and metaphorically. “She got really drunk, I couldn’t find her keys, and Jungwoo stopped answering his phone. Kid probably went to bed.” He saw Johnny breathe a palpable sigh of relief. “She’s fine now. I managed to put her to sleep.”

“Oh.” Johnny nodded and weaved through the living room, heading for the corridor.

“She was looking for you.” Jaehyun paused, just long enough to hear Johnny’s footsteps come to a halt. “Where were you?”

Johnny drew his breath. “With Haneul,” he replied. “It was her fifth death anniversary. I figured I’d keep her company for a few more weeks.” Johnny turned. Jaehyun was still silent. “Why? Where did she think I was?”

The empty look in Jaehyun’s eyes darkened, turning the air tense and frigid. The color slowly drained from Johnny’s face.

“Oh, god.”

He knew where she thought he was. Of course, he knew. He’d been back once, perhaps twice, thoughts infected with the same poison that had brought him there the first time. At some point, it was as though Seulgi had taken a swig from the same bottle and was afflicted by an agony more potent than his. He’d realize that, hurt even more, and the silent, vicious cycle would repeat itself under the veneer of bright smiles and reassuring words.

And that was where Jaehyun was going to give a . “If I was a second late,” he said, gritting his teeth, “she might’ve accidentally fallen down. They still haven’t put up railings, for some ing reason.”

“I’m sorry,” Johnny murmured quietly, head lowered.

Jaehyun rinsed his empty glass in the sink. “I don’t want to hear that,” Jaehyun said. “I don’t want to hear that anymore. From either of you.”

Jaehyun took in a slow, deep breath. He was still keeping his eyes trained away – if he looked at Johnny, it would break him. Johnny was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The straw that broke Seulgi’s back, mind, heart – everything. And Jaehyun couldn’t even blame him because Johnny was broken, too.

He weaved past Johnny, heading for his room. “Thank you,” Johnny called, and it was his turn to stop Jaehyun in his tracks.

Jaehyun tilted his head. “I don’t want to hear that, either.”

A small smile curled on Johnny’s lips as he watched Jaehyun disappear into his room. “I’m sorry,” he whispered again. “And thank you.”

For–

He had the words. The time would come for him to say them – not to himself, but to the both of them. It wasn’t time yet, but that time would come.

“Seulgi.”

“Seulgi.”

“Seulgi!”

Seulgi woke up to a blinding flash of light and a sheen of cold sweat. The shock quickly morphed into a pounding headache that made her feel like the ground and ceiling were spinning – or maybe it was her. Maybe she was spinning.

She was lying somewhere where the ceilings were white and the sheets were warm – very warm. Maybe she did fall over. Maybe that was heaven. Maybe she was supposed to be lying there, sinking into the warmth of the–

Seulgi bolted upright. She instinctively stared at her chest, which was fortunately still covered by her office shirt. It was patchy and crumpled – but still intact. Her eyes then flitted towards the other side of the bed that clearly wasn’t hers, only to find an empty, undented space. It was only when her gaze slowly traced over the bareness of the room, the antique guitar resting forlornly at a corner, and the familiar figure curled up on the ground in his flimsy hoodie, that Seulgi knew where she was.

Jaehyun was still asleep, eyes closed and expression serene. Seulgi had always liked how he looked when he was asleep. She had watched him sleep in all the oddest spaces – her lecture hall, her office, even Taeil’s battered, old couch, and he had always been the same, as tranquil and peaceful as a river flowing into a clear, glassy lake in the middle of the March spring. She envied him. She often wondered if there would come a day when she’d be able to sleep like that.

A stray curl fell over his eyelids. Seulgi stretched out a hand, intending to brush the hair away, when another hand quickly grabbed hers. Seulgi jumped up with a fright.

Jaehyun opened his eyes, lines formed on his cheeks as his lips spread into a smile. “What are you doing, Seul?” he slurred sleepily.

She could feel her heart palpitating wildly in her chest. She tried to retract her hand, but it remained firmly in Jaehyun’s grasp. “Nothing,” she mumbled. “You just looked kind of cold.”

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine,” she replied. “We can trade spots, you know.”

“Or you can join me,” he chuckled. He could see the blush rise to her cheeks. It was the most beautiful sight – Seulgi slightly disheveled, blushing, bathed in the morning light. He didn’t care if he had to sleep on the cold, hard floors if it meant he could wake up to her every day for the rest of his life.  

Seulgi looked away, trying to stifle her heart. “How did I get here?”

“Do you really want to know?”

The quiet undertone of Jaehyun’s voice told Seulgi that no, I really don’t. “No,” she murmured.

“Johnny’s fine. He came home last night.” Seulgi was held her silence, but he could see the relief flood through her. He gave her hand an assuring squeeze. “Seulgi. Look at me.”

She obliged, only because his voice was so soft that her weary mind couldn’t even stop her. “Hm?”

“It isn’t your fault.” He looked her in the eyes, holding her hand tightly. “All of this – it isn’t your fault, and never will be.”

There was a feeling rising up her chest, threatening to spill out of her. She knew she’d done something the night before, something that gave him the need to assure her. Jeong Jaehyun wasn’t a man of many words, let alone words of reassurance.

I went there, didn’t I?

I’m s–

“You were about to apologize, weren’t you?” Jaehyun said, a tinge of sadness in his tone.

Seulgi didn’t nod – she didn’t want to make him sad. Not him too.

“Go back to sleep,” Jaehyun said, reaching out and slowly guiding her head back to his pillow.

She kept her eyes on him, solemn and quiet. He resumed his fetal position on the ground, curling up and trying to retain the little warmth he could. She watched him until her eyelids drooped to a close, sinking back into her slumber, her fingers still interlaced with his.

Jungwoo leaned back, hands steepled on his chest. “Why are you with Victoria?”

“Why are you asking me this?” Changmin recoiled. “Why are we even doing this?”

Changmin was simmering with doubt. Jungwoo could see why – he was a seasoned, high-strung lawyer with decades of experience on his belt. His entire career was made up of rational questions with equally rational answers. He was quick to catch on, but also quick to scrape things that he didn’t feel would follow a structured line of logic. He was in a field where emotions would run high, but it wasn’t his job to manage them. Unfortunately, it was Jungwoo’s.

Thankfully, Jungwoo’s raised brows were enough to tell Changmin that he knew what he was doing – he just needed to trust the process.

“Fine,” Changmin relented, crossing his arms. “Obviously, I’m with her because she’s my wife. She’s the mother of my children. We’ve also been together for a very long time. Good enough?”

He squinted at Jungwoo, attempting to read his ambiguous nods, almost forgetting Jungwoo wasn’t his client. “Fair,” Jungwoo replied. “When’s the last time you’ve gone on a date together?”

Changmin paused, searching through his brains. When was the last time we’d gone on a date? “I don’t know. Sometime last year, maybe?” Before Jungwoo could continue, Changmin quickly sprung into a defense. “But, it’s been a very busy season of cases, and I’ve tried to at least–“

Jungwoo let him ramble on. He believed that keeping silent long enough would let people hear themselves. Something Jaehyun would usually say. Something Jaehyun would usually use on his clients. Jungwoo couldn’t believe he was doing it, but that was also why Jaehyun should’ve been the one to take on Shim Changmin. Ridiculous prick.

When he had finished his monologue, Jungwoo continued, “What’s the last thing you’ve done together?”

“What?” He could tell Changmin still wasn’t getting the rhythm of things. “Dinner?”

“And when was this?”

“I don’t know – a couple days back? I usually spend have dinner at home a few times a week.”

“And did you have dinner just the both of you, or with your kids?”

“Of course, with our kids!” Changmin stared at him like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “How do we have dinner without them? Are we supposed to just let them starve somewhere? I mean sure, they’re moving on to college, but they need to–“

He was rambling again, but Jungwoo continued to hold his silence. He figured that letting Changmin feel better about himself wouldn’t hurt, especially when he knew exactly what would. Everyone had a defense mechanism when they had something to feel guilty for.

“So, when was the last time you’ve had dinner together, just the both of you?” Jungwoo asked.

Changmin furrowed his brows. “Fine. Maybe it’s been a while. But we don’t need to have dates or long dinners to maintain communication.”    

“Alright,” Jungwoo nodded, “then what’s she into these days?”

“Uhm, I don’t know, probably flower arrangement? She’s always doing that.”

“What’s the last movie she’s watched?”

“I don’t know.”

“Where does she usually go to shop?”

“I don’t know, how–“

“Where is she now?”

“How should I know that?” Changmin burst out. Jungwoo knew that his patience was wearing thin. In his mind, he probably couldn’t see where the questions were going. Or he did, and he just didn’t want to admit it. “What is the point of this?”

“One last question,” Jungwoo barreled on. He shifted his elbows to his desk, taking on a more forward stance. “So, why are you with Victoria?”

Changmin fell silent. What he had said the first time had been wrong, and whatever he had in his mind was probably just as wrong. Not that the questions had textbook answers. They were designed to elicit textbook reactions.

And Changmin’s was a textbook reaction of the one answer Jungwoo knew all-too-well: Because you think you need her.

But you’ve forgotten how to love her.

Johnny knelt on the wooden floors, muttering a quiet prayer to himself. Well, not really to himself – to Haneul, however she was, wherever she was. He’d never seen her, but at some point of time, when she was still in Irene’s belly, he had heard her. For the past five years, the sound of her remained as the thread that connected them both between realms, between lives.

Haneul, how are you? Are you living comfortably up there? I brought you some cake again – I know it was supposed to be your day a couple weeks back, but you can have a whole month for yourself, right? Uncle Yuta made you a jumpsuit this time. Do you like it? It’s pink, fluffy, full of sequins – honestly, you can’t even find something like this in the stores.

He was supposed to be your godfather, you know? Yeah, he’s a little weird, but he’s been making clothes for you every year. If you were here, he’d definitely take you to his fashion shows every weekend, and you’d be the apple of his eye. You’d be the apple of all our eyes, actually – Uncle Yuta, Uncle Jaehyun, Auntie Seulgi, Auntie Wendy, Uncle Jungwoo, Daddy… Mommy.

I’m sorry I haven’t been visiting you a lot, lately. I’m sorry Mommy and I are hardly ever here at the same time. We should’ve come here together. We should have been there for you when you came into the world. We should’ve taken care of you, every step of the way.

We should’ve been better parents to you, Haneul.

A tear slowly rolled down Johnny’s cheeks as he squeezed his eyes shut. And I’m so sorry, Haneul.

He was sorry he would never see her first step. He was sorry he would never hear her first word, which he was sure, Irene would somehow manage to manipulate to be “Mommy”. He was sorry he’d never see her first day at kindergarten, elementary, high school, college. He was sorry he would never be able to walk her down the aisle. He was sorry he would never see her smile, because he’d never be able to see her at all.

He knew Irene must have repeated those thoughts over and over again. It must have been like a curse. A curse that stayed in her mind and drove her insane. It was what drove her to disappear, and him to the rooftop.

What could’ve been, what should’ve been… Had we not made so many mistakes.

A patter of footsteps jolted Johnny from his thoughts. He turned to the doorway, half-expecting Seulgi, Jaehyun, one of the others, or even Irene – but it was a lanky, unfamiliar young man that came into view.

“Hello, Johnny-hyung.”

He wouldn’t have known if Jaemin didn’t tell him. Jaemin was devilishly tall, with features that looked nothing like Irene’s. He also had a soft, shy demeanor that was a far cry from Irene’s bout of cold confidence. It was one of those Seulgi-and-Taeil situations, where two pe