Reasons Behind Hiatus 2 !WARNING! Long Post

The Half Blonde Girl

If you are reading this then that means that you read my previous chapter and decided to read the other reasons behind my hiatus. I guess I should say thanks since you're taking this small bit of your time to actually read my rambling. As I stated earlier there have been some other things going on other than school that have been keeping me from being able to update. Instead of just waiting it out or stalling I'm just going to start out saying it now. 

Back in February my parents have been having some conflict and blah blah blah. Because of this conflict that they've been having my mom turned to cheating, not too good of an idea in my opinion. While she was just communicating with this guy never really meeting him in person, the day finaly came when she did, but it was while we went over to my aunt's house for a weekend. After I met the guy I felt very uncomfortable with everything that she was doing and everything that was going on, and she found out how I didn't really like the guy and she didn't like that. One day I woke up from a nap and all I heard was screaming and shouting coming from my mom, and I look over to see my brother crying just his entire face covered in tears while my dad stood with his head in his hand just shaking his head. I was extremely confused. I mean I sleep for like 3 hours after a long day at school and I wake up to chaos, I went up to my brother and asked him what was going on and he told me that my mom said she was leaving. I looked to him in shock just completly flabergasted by what he just said. My mom called my dad and they talked I guess while I just sat on the couch not knowing what to think of the situation when all of the sudden my mom comes out of the room really angry storming towards me and I kid you not I felt my heart beat so fast and hard against my chest that I wouldn't be surprised that if you just lifted my shirt up you'd see how fast it was pumping. She came up to me angry asking "Do you want to stay here?" and when I get nervous or scared I go blank and I just stayed quiet and she asked again "Do you want to stay here with him for your ing job?" and that's when I just said Yes and she just yelled Fine and turned to my brother pointing at him saying "But YOU you're coming with me" making my brother burst into tears crying like crazy. Guys I want to say that my little brother is 8 years old, so this isn't too god a situatioon he was going through
 
Before I continue I want to remind you this is a long explanation and again all this is true it's pretty hard having to type this out but I feel again that you guys have a right to know. 

After that happened I just went to the bathroom and tried to calm myself down because I felt myself having a panic attack and just when I plugged in my headphones I recieved a text from my cousins saying "How could you do this? You're betraying you're own mother. What is wrong with you?" and that's when I lost it because ever since I can remember my cousin was always close to my mom and my mom was close to her to the point where she treated her better than me her own daughter. I got so angry I broke down and threw my phone and I fell to the floor crying like crazy and my dad came in worried and I told him what happened. He just told me to calm down and take a shower and I did. But something really bad happened. I cut myself. I self harmed once again. My second or third possibly fourth relapse. I lost count by this time. But the thing is when I cut myself I don't do it with a razor, I do it with my nails. Since I have really sharp nails I just scratch my arms and back so hard to the point where skin breaks and I bleed leaving just lines. 
Because I was having a bad panic attack I didn't know what else to do so I just cut my entire back and arms letting the hot water go over the cuts letting it sting. It really calms me down. After taking my shower I was called into the room where my mom dad and brother were and she sat there with the most angry look on her face. Lips purse and eyebrows furrowed with her arms crossed, she was just angry. I felt so scared I felt my heart pound so hard and I felt my legs shake. 

She asked me once again if I really wanted to stay and I looked at my dad and back at her and told "Well yes." and she just shook her head and was like "Fine then stay here. I can't believe you're doing this to me. Betraying your own mother like this, I would've never done this to my mom I can't ing believe it you ." And I got a little angry and told her "Mami what can I say? I have school Ma I can't just leave my school, you know how hard it was to get into Lorenzo so I can't just leave this oportunity. I need to graduate so I can do what I want. I have a job now too and my friends" and she got really really angry saying how I'm betraying her going "I can't believe que tu estas asiando esto a tu proprio madra, tu eres una hije puta"  (Half of all the things she said were in spanish so I'm just translating it. Some words I may not translate because I simply don't know how to translate it to english) I tried telling her I wasn't betraying her I just didn't agree with what she was doing and she scoffed saying "Yeah right"
My dad got angry and yelled at her saying "What are you getting angry for? Are you really mad at her for thinking about her future? You do realize that she's making the hardest decision in her entire life and you're doing this to her saying she's betraying you. Come on mano" 
My mom just started yelling at him saying she would never do that and that I don't care about her for that if I really did I wouldn't be doing this to her and that's when I snapped. I just flat out told her "No. that" which caught her attention because she stopped and said "Excuse me?" and I yelled saying That telling her I wasn't just going to stand there and listen to her saying how I'm betraying her when it's not like that. We got into a big argument and I told her she wouldn't have to worry about me anymore since she's leaving and she'll just have my cousin to worry about since she lover her just as much as a daughter maybe even more. She of course got angry and decided to beat me...in front of my own brother. My little brother for goodness sake.

She smacked me in the face first and started to punch me in the head and smack me around, she had rings on and all I could feel was the pounding of metal rings against my head and I could hear my brother crying. My dad came between us and pulled her apart from me and she started to beat the crap out of him as well and he told me to run and I just went to the hallway. After she finished with my dad she left the room and when she saw me she grabbed my hair and pulled me down and shoved me against the wall once more before she went outside. I didn't cry because of the pain she inflected on me because Ive been used to it by now from her previous blows. But when I came into the room I saw my brother in the bathroom crying and I walked up to him and started to cry because I didn't want him to see that. He cried asking if I was okay and I told him I was alright that he didn't have to worry and he just cried more saying "But she punched you, she hurt you really bad. Are you okay? Are you hurt? Doesn't it hurt?" I told him I was alright and that I knew that was going to happen but I was really angry so I didn't care that she beat me. I kept saying sorry and telling him sorry I couldn't be a good big sister to him. 

Later as the night progressed my dad came into my room and he told me that my mom was going to be leaving and was going to be picked up by her boyfriend so she could go and live with her sister and I just sat in my room counting down to the moment when she left and I had to part away from my brother. But then when the time finally came for her to leave, she decided to let my brother live with my dad and I. As a few days passed my brother started to go over to visit my mom and her boyfriend every weekend. My dad was a mess for weeks but he fought through and he's been there for me more than ever but he couldn't get over what happened with my mom. After being in a relationship with her for 13 years and this happening of course he was destroyed, he would barely eat which worried me. But he signed himself up on this one site for single parents and met a lady. This lady came to our house and she has two kids. He was happy with the lady and her and her kids (6 year old girl and 7 year old boy) stayed the night. But who knew that this lady and her kids would make an even bigger impact in my life.

The lady stayed for days and since she was so busy with my dad I was left to look after the kids most of the time, the two were the most hyperactive and craziest kids I've ever encountered or had to look after and they made me have so many panic attacks it's crazy. I was gettin angry with my dad because I wanted them to leave already and he didn't seem to really do anything about their long stay, he noticed how I was getting and he finally told me that they'd be staying with us for two months because they got kicked out of where they were living. He said that they'll be living with us for two months and that's it, and when her friend comes down from pennsylvania she is going to move out and find a place with her to live in. Months passed and the lady is making such an annoying difference in everything, she's forcing me to dress how I normally wouldn't. Getting angry because I won't eat her food because I just don't eat that much overall. I'm always left to watch the kids plus my brother and just so many things have gone on. As time passed and my brother kept visiting my mom he's changed. He's gotten moodier and explodes in anger a lot quicker and we argued so much more for the stupidist things, and every time we argued he's just scream "I hate everything! I hate that they're living here (the kids) I hate everything! I just want to go stay and live with Mami" and of course that hurt. As several more weeks pass my dad tells me my brother was going to go and live with my mom after FCAT (a state test everyone has to go through from 3rd to 10th grade to determine whether or not you go on to the next grade) which was this week.

This lady and her kids have been living with us since mid February and they still haven't left, she's been changing the house and just there's so much going on.Recently my dad picked me up from work and he told me that in June her friend was going to come down, I actually got a little excited because that meant I'll be able to live in my own home at peace but then he told me the rest of the news. That when her friend comes down, she's going to be living with us during the summer along with her 16 year old daughter. He then adds that my brother left earlier than he should have to go live with my mom. I never got to say goodbye and that really bothers me. 
So now when this friend of my dad's girlfriend comes down, it's going to be 3 adults, 3 kids plus me. And I'm really not going to get any privacy at this point and I can only imagine how many panic attacks I'm going to be having.

Everytime I get home I just dread it and wish I could nap when I know I can't. 

That was all the home stuff that's been going on. Then some more stuff have gone in school. 
Basically my bestfriend and I got into a pretty bad arguement and on Monday I wanted to talk to her face to face because we had the arguement on a Thursday and we didn't talk since then and when I tried talking to her through text I just messed things up because I can't really express how I feel properly through text. And when we argued I cut myself again. But the day I come onto my bus I was talking to a friend of mine telling her how Im going to talk to my bestfriend and her boyfriend who goes on my bus and he just said "Yeah you better" which pissed me off because he always gets involved in my bestfriend and I's business. I told him "Can you not? Seriously this doesn't involve you so you need to off" and he yelled at me saying "It doesn't involve me? She's my girlfriend so of course it does" we went back and forth at it, I kept yelling at him to back off saying what's going on is between me and her not him and he just yelled at me some more. I got yet another panic attack and recklessly cut myself around my neck. This was a stupid idea. 

I later texted my bestfriend if I could talk to her during class when we're both alone, hoping to not deal with her boyfriend (I didn't tell her that part just that I wanted to talk to her in class) and she texted me saying I need to stop playing victim and that just made me worse. I go into class like normal and people see my cuts and I guess some worried classmates told my guidance counselor. I got called down and it took some time but I finally told her what happened and even told her about what was going on at home, she was baffled and said I needed to see a professional because I'm going through so much and it's no surprise that I've gotten overwhelmed. She later wanted to help me out with my situation with my bestfriend and called her down so we could talk it out. We did and we resolved things, but at the end the counselor asked if we are both in danger to ourselves aka suicidal. We both stayed silent. She said that she's going to have to do something about it, either she was going to call our parents or get us Baker Acted which is when they get the cops to take you to the mental hospital to keep you under survailance and see what they can do to prevent you from killing yourself. 

Due to the fact that my bestfriend was in a more critical state she was Baker Acted, she actually uses a razor when she cuts herself so that just proves she's in a more critical state. I on the other hand was sent on emergency leave, my dad came to pick me and was going to send me to the mental hospital near us so they could at least talk to me but I found out that if I were to go to the hospital the people there would have to call my mom because she is my legal guardian (My dad is my step dad although he raised me since I was 4 so to me he is more of my father than the one who implanted me into my mother's womb) so I said no. 
The next day I come into school and it's not surprise that her boyfriend is pissed, he threw his backpack on the floor and was just angry. I come into school though and I notice the rest of my group of friends are acting a bit indifferent with me. I get into class and ask one of them if the group was mad at me and she said "I dont know" I then asked her if she was made at me and she said Yeah, I then continued and asked her why and she said "Because of what happened with Lizette" and I felt my chest close in. I started to get anxious. One of them even got the teacher to move her seat all the way to the other side of the classroom, aka no where near me. I go into my next class where I had another friend from the group in and I asked her if she was mad at me too and she didn't even look at me when she said "I don't Know". That's when I lost it and I went to the bathroom having a panic attack and I cut myself again, this time on my sides. 

A few days pass while my bestfriend is in still admitted into the hospital I go to school and see some of my friends who are Seniors crying, I had no idea why until a classmate came up to me and said Friend N (I don't want to reveal his name) had committed suicide. I bursted into tears I didn't know what to think. One of my friends had killed himself. I was in such shock I couldn't handle it, I talked to one of the psychologists they had there and it was crazy, I didn't want to believe that he had killed himself when I had seen him not too long ago. I later was sent to a room filled with my friends who are Seniors. You see apart from my group of friends who are in my grade and are the ones who are angry at me with what happened to my bestfriend, I have this other group of friends who are Seniors. I'm pretty close to them and they are close to me, they were all friends with Friend N and they knew I was too so they really wanted me to be in the room with them so they could be there for me and we could all be there for each other. On that same day that I heard news about Friend N committing suicide, my bestfriend had texted me saying that she got out of the hospital. I was really happy but I knew things weren't gonna be the same. 

Before I had received news of Friend N and before she told me she had gotten out I had talked with my father and my Senior Group about my situation where the group had been ignoring me due to what happened with my bestfriend and they all told me the same thing. 

That true friends wouldn't do such actions. They wouldn't be treating me the way they were if they were my true friends, true friends wouldn't get angry for something that wasn't in my control and something that wasn't really my fault. True friends wouldn't make you feel like something was your fault when it's not. They wouldn't be so biased about a such a situation and that they're acting very childish. 

My dad and my Senior Group all told me that I shouldn't surround myself with people who hurt me like that and I even started thinking about how they were all angry at me for what happened with my bestfriend. But they weren't angry at her boyfriend for what happened with me, which I found very unfair. So that day that she had come back to school I told her I wasn't going to sit with her and the group any more during lunch. I told her that I felt that they weren't my real friends, they were hers so I wasn't going to sit with her. She shook her head and told me I can't say that they aren't my real friends and that I should just wait it out and I don't really want to do that. I just stayed with the Senior Group and ate lunch with them, they treat me so nice and make me feel a lot more happier. I feel myself laughing more with them.

Ever since this whole fall out happened between me and her and I found out that the group weren't really my friends, I saw how much happier they are without me which just further proved that they didn't really care for me. There will be days when I go onto IG (Instagram) and I'll see her post a pic with the person who moved to the other side of the classroom calling her "My girl" and I feel replaced. I know I'm replaced. That "Girl" has always had a thing with me and I always knew she wanted my bestfriend to herself. Well now she got what she wanted. 

Everytime I see them an echo goes through my mind saying "I hate you guys" and whenver I pass the girl another echo goes "I really hate you" and even when I see my own bestfriend do something with any of them I think "I hate you" but I don't think I really mean it. It's just those words that often echo through my head and it makes me feel a bit messed up in the head. 

Yesterday I was just done with everything, I was tired. I was just really overwhelmed with how things are going. But yesterday was also a memorial that a teacher had set up for Friend N. I went and I was really happy I did. Although I was the only Junior/Underclassman there and felt a little out of place at first, I eventually felt comfortable being with everyone there. They all made me feel welcomed and happy. We laughed a lot talking about the things Friend N did and then later we kinda just laughed on our own just hanging out at the end of the memorial. It was the only good thing that has really happened to me lately but I'm still a bit mentally dead after all the stuff that has been going on. 

Well there you have it. My reasons why I have been hiatus for so long and why I'll probably be on hiatus for a while longer. I hope that my kitties can understand and if not then I'm sorry to have disappointed you all. This would just be one more thing that I would have messed up. 

I hope you all are doing alright and I know so many of you have either gone through or are going through so much in which I apologize for ranting about my stupidity and hope that things will get better for you. 

If any of you ever want to talk or anything don't be afraid to talk to me because I will do my best to listen and idk I just don't want for any of you to end doing what Friend N had done. You should all know that even though it feels like no one cares about you and it feels like you're better off dead, don't. There is ALWAYS someone who cares and loves you and there is no doubt that they will be hurting like crazy if you were to leave their lives permanately like that. I know it's hard to belive and understand but just try to think about that. I have suicidal thoughts a lot and I was so tempted to just end my life when I recieved news of Friend N, that pain and sadness I felt made me think about how I wouldn't want that on anyone. So please don't ever feel like you're better off dead, although you might be in eternal peace and not have to deal with anymore pain, just think about the eternal struggled the people who love you will have to go through and the pain they will feel. Trust me whether it be 10 weeks or 10 years, losing someone to themself is something really hard to get over.

That is all I have to say for now, if you read this far then I want to just want to say thank you and have  B2UTIFUL day.

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B2UTY8
In the process of adding at least 2 new chapters today

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shujun #1
Chapter 23: Welcome back, author-nim! ! !
^_~¥
shujun #2
Chapter 22: be strong and never give up~ we'll be right here whenever you need us..^^..btw, the poem is just great! thumbs-up, author-nim! hahaha..
..^^..
kristinam96 #3
Chapter 21: wow so much happen to you .you are really strong :) i hope everuthing goes well
shujun #4
Chapter 15: hwaiting !!!
..^^..
CuteMei
#5
Chapter 13: so adorable
please update soon
shujun #6
Chapter 13: Super cute! >_< love it..
Doojoon is being so nice n caring..
Update soon..
Hwaiting !!!
..^^..
fluffy_tokki
#7
I found another picture of "Seoni"
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m59aub3Qpi1qiarxko1_500.png
fluffy_tokki
#8
I found an another picture of this "Seoni"
http://i250.photobucket.com/albums/gg252/crazykikki91/ulzzang%202/tumblr_m2a5n8Phtj1qdvazgo1_500.jpg
exomania #9
Chapter 4: you write nice