“Hey hurry up you guys. We’re going to miss the plane!” Leeteuk knocked.

……

“Open the door!” He knocked again.

……

“Hey!! Are you OK? Open the door!!” The knock got more anxious.

……

“Open the door!! I’m going to get the hotel staff now…” No more knock came but the sound of footsteps rushing away. And then the whole world went silent… except… the clock was ticking in the room… and one heart (exactly only one) was beating…

The silence didn’t last very long. Footsteps rushing back, banging open of the door, other members rushing in, screams and gasps and cries, people talking, people gathering, people rushing in and out, sirens of the ambulance…

Those meant nothing to me. What was important was he was still in my arms. I was still lying beside him on the bed. We were still together…

Someone was trying to pull me away. “Donghae-sshi, we need to rush him to the hospital. Please release him...”

I shook my head. “No he’s just sleeping. He will come back. He’s going to wake up… Just last night he kissed me goodnite…” I caressed his face. He’s as beautiful as he always was. Apart from that fact that his body was cold, nothing had changed. Nothing had changed… right?

“Donghae-sshi, please. We are here to help…”

“NO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! HOW DARE YOU?! HOW DARE YOU TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME?! NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” I tightened my grip on him. I held onto him like I was floating in the ocean and he’s my life buoy. In fact he really was…

For some time no one knew what to do. Finally Leeteuk came and kneeled down beside the bed. “Donghae... Let’s accompany him to the hospital? There he will wake up… OK?” Leeteuk’s voice was shaking…

A long awkward silence followed. Finally I let out a sigh.

I closed my eyes and nodded. They started transferring him onto the stretcher. I refused to let go of his hand. And while at that time I was not capable of walking and no one was able to pry open my grip on his hand, they put me onto another stretcher and we were taken to the hospital like that.

My eyes never left his face. Even when we were taken out of the ambulance and non-stop camera flashes threatened to blind me, my eyes never left him; my grip on him never loosened.

Inside the emergency room it only took them 5 minutes to… stop treating him. I jumped out of the wheelchair. My fingers were digging into his arms while I held him tight and screamed. “Come back!!! NO!!!! You promised!!! You promised you will never leave me!!! YOU PROMISED YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE ME!!! I beg you… come back… come back…”I buried my face in his shoulder. “COME BACK!!!!!!”

There was no reply… as if he couldn’t care less… Not even a flinch of a muscle… Not even a flicker in the eyes…

Just… nothing…

Everything was painted black. Blinds were dropped; completely shutting out sunlight from my world. Any other forms of light or warmth were eradicated inside… leaving nothing but darkness…agony… despair… nothingness…

I was asked to stay in the hospital. The next day I looked out the window. I saw the sun was shining. It was trying to warm me but nothing could fight the darkness and cold in which I was buried. The brighter it shone the more it reminded me how dark, lonely and hopeless my world was…

Actually I knew it. I was merely denying, as if by refusing to accept the cruel truth it could be altered. I knew it… When Leeteuk said he would wake up in the hospital… Deep down inside I knew he wouldn’t… But it’s worth a try right?

In the hotel room, at one point in time I could feel it. And when I felt it I knew my life was over. I knew things were not the same anymore…

When the flame of life extinguished in him, when the last bit of warmth escaped his body and slipped through my grasp, it was a death sentence to me. A bullet was shot through my heart, slashing it to pieces; burning everything inside to ashes. Everything stopped. From that moment onwards I stopped living.

Technically I still breathed. But once in a while I had difficulty doing that. And sometimes I had to remind myself to continue breathing.

My heart continued beating. However something inside stopped. My heart stopped feeling.

My mind continued instructing my body to function. I could eat and I could drink (though I would most of the time throw up). I could hear and see (without comprehending). But my mind stopped registering. And some parts of my body no longer functioned. Smiling was impossible. Sleeping was also impossible.

I was rendered to a mere form of existence…

I guessed that was exactly the reason why I was asked to stay in the hospital. They could see I had stopped living. But why did they bother? They could do nothing about it…

I told myself to draw in a deep breath when I felt like being strangled by those memories. And I had no idea how I ended up in my bed in the dorm (as I said my mind stopped registering).

The innocent sun was again being so kind to peek through the blinds and shower warmth onto me. As if on cue, the hair behind my neck and on my arms prickled, reminding me my world belonged to darkness and nothingness. I was wrapped in layers of blankets shivering while the sun was shining.

I rolled over and saw the recorder, the notepad and his letter on the little cupboard beside my bed. Hesitantly I extended my hand and took the recorder.

Click. “… Donghae…Saranghaeyo…”

Click. “… Donghae…Saranghaeyo…”

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I clenched the recorder tightly in my hand and put it on my chest.

It was like taking drugs. The recorder, the notepad and his letter were like drugs to me. When I could no longer bear the pain I needed them. They eased the pain a little for some time. But I knew they were dragging me further down the bottomless doom. Every time I heard his voice, every time I read his words, every time I entered his memories, I was reminded that those beautiful moments were no more. I was reminded how much had been taken away. Basically I was dreading through the pages. The void in my chest just got bigger and bigger every time I turned the last page, looked up… and saw… nobody…

I bit my lip and quickly locked those drugs in the bottommost drawer of the cupboard.

Why? How could you do this to me? You’re so cruel… You know perfectly well how much you mean to me… How could you just leave me like this…?

……

Stop torturing me!! Get out of my life!! Get out of my mind!! Leave me alone!!

…… But Donghae… that’s exactly what he did… right? He left…

……

Hyukkie is gone… Hyukkie – is – gone – for – e - ver…

……

HYUKKIE IS GONE FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I gasped and buried my face in the pillow, trying to smother myself.