“HYUKJAE!” I called at the top of my lungs, skidding the bike to a halt in front of the safe house. My whole world stopped. The door was ajar, there was a sleek black car parked in front of the location, reflecting the evening sun from the windscreen.

No. Please god please don’t let me be too late!!

I jumped off the motorcycle, letting it fall to the gravel. I ripped the helmet off my head, my heart racing like it had never before.

Please! Please be okay Hyukjae!

I had no idea what I was going to find, or what I would do if…

I tore my gun from the side of the bike, running as fast as I could up the drive and gripping it tightly.

“HYUKJAE!” I screamed, gritting my teeth, finally coming to the door. My breath was panting away rapidly, and sweat clung to my back. I stepped into the dimly lit room, letting my eyes adjust to the darkness.

“H-Hyuk-!”

I froze, mouth hanging open in mid sentence. I felt my chest tighten, and my entire world implode before me. My stomach was hit with a horrible pain.

No… Please… No!

I let the gun slip from my fingers, clattering loudly on the floor and leaving myself completely disarmed. It echoed in my head, along with the pulsing thud of my heartbeat.

I took in a deep breath, letting out a whimper, clasping my hand over my mouth.

Hyukjae’s delicate body lay sprawled out at the back of the room. Motionless, still.

My heart pounded in my head as I let out another gasp, letting tears fall from my cloudy eyes.

“N-no…” I drew in a sharp breath, biting my lip.

No, it can’t be. He can’t be…

I quickly rushed over to him, and stood over his body, his thin pale hands out by his sides, his fingers curling slightly.

I dropped to my knees, ignoring the excruciating pain from the concrete. I brought my shaking hand to the side of his face, expecting him to wake at my touch.

I let out a strangled sob, feeling my fingertips brush against his cold, soft cheek. No response came from him. I let out another strangled cry, balling my fist over my lips and sinking my teeth into my knuckles.

“No, please Hyukjae…” I clenched my teeth through the tears, the side of his cheek lovingly, willing him to wake up.

Please Hyukjae. Please wake up.

It couldn’t happen. Nobody could take him away from me. I refused to believe he was dead. I cupped his chin, gently shaking his face.

He’s gone. He’s dead. I was too late.

“HYUKJAE!” I cried, bursting into another stream of hot, overflowing tears. I gently lifted his head, cradling him in my arms, desperately wishing with all I could that he would wake up. My tears spluttered onto his face, as he remained un moving, and limp. His lips were dead still, as were his eyelids. It was as though he was sleeping. I drew in another sharp breath, letting out another shriek in agony.

“He’s dead Donghae.” A cold, sneering voice behind me said.

I shook my head fiercely, not looking over my shoulder at the two men who were watching me, but keeping my eyes on Hyukjae’s, which were softly closed.

“NO!” I snapped, leaning down to Hyukjae’s mouth.

Please Hyukjae. Please be breathing.

I pressed my forehead firmly against his, letting my tears drip over his beautiful face. I waited. I waited for a small breath to escape his lips, telling me everything was going to be okay.

I choked a little, whimpering and waiting.

He wasn’t breathing.

I was too late.

Hyukjae, the love of my life, was dead.

All because of me.

I let out another harsh cry, pulling Hyukjae’s body closer to mine. I held him in my arms, wishing for anything that it would be me who had lost my life. I couldn’t breath, I was crying so hard. Everything was tight in my chest.

Hyukjae. Hyukjae is dead. Hyukjae is dead.

It was though the last ten months I had known him were all just a dream. A dream which I had just woken up from.

I buried my nose into his hair, hyperventilating as the feeling suddenly sank in. Images of Hyukjae flashed through my mind. When I had first met him that night on the bridge. He was crying, and I remember thinking that he was possibly the most beautiful human being I had ever seen. He was so lost, and he was just about to give up on life, and even up until now it still saddened me to think that he’d been in that much pain. As soon as he’d agreed to be my boyfriend, I promised myself I’d never ever put him through that kind of pain, and that I’d protect him with my life.

I cried out, holding him tighter to my chest which was heaving desperately.

I had failed. Hyukjae was dead.

Thoughts of his gummy smile, his radiant blonde hair now turned golden brown, his goofy facial expressions. The feel of his lips against mine, the feel of his warmth. I thought back to the smile on his face when he had gotten his dog back after I had made the trip to Seoul. And when he discovered what I had done to end up in prison, and accepted me regardless. The time he got sick, and I had never been so scared up until then. My mind wandered to the evening on the beach when I had held his hand for the very first time. The night when he had come home to me, and I held him in my arms, never wanting to let him go. I remember our first official date, when he and I were on the rooftop in Japan. I knew that he was the one I wanted to share every date with. I pictured the smile on his face when he presented me with the glass dolphin on my birthday, and then to the night we had first made love after we escaped from Korea. All the hours, all the memories spent travelling across the US, just the two of us. All these thoughts overwhelmed me, as I felt my heart come crashing down like one of those tiny glass figurines, shattering into a million pieces.

Hyukjae’s smiling face, haunted my vision as I felt the lifeless body in my arms.

That’s all gone. Hyukjae is dead.

“P-please baby.” I whispered, feeling his wet cheeks against my own. I ghosted my lips over his, willing even a flutter of breath to escape them. “Please…”

I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling my whole heart shatter within me. Hyukjae was the most beautiful person in the whole entire world. I loved him with everything I had, and he the same to me. I had cost him his life. For my own selfish reasons, I had pursued him and become his lover. Even though I would never, ever willingly give up his love, I knew that it was my fault he was dead. It was all my fault.

My whole world had shattered. Hyukjae was my whole world. To me, nothing else existed aside from him and nothing else mattered.

I dug my nails into my palm, and my teeth into my lip, drawing blood but paying no attention.

I choked on each breath I took, reaching out to take one of his cold hands in mine. I spluttered and sobbed at his unresponsive fingers now entwined with mine. I felt the smooth silver band around his finger, along with my own matching one. I held his hand to my cheek, feeling the coldness of his skin and his unresponsive body.

I kissed his lips as lightly as I could manage, still crying onto his face in the unbearable pain.

Hyukjae, I’m so sorry. I should be dead, not you.

Hyukjae never had been a part of this. He never deserved any of this. And now it had taken his life.

 My head pounded, knowing that Lee Hyukjae no longer existed.

He’s gone. I told myself, clenching my eyes shut. Nothing you can do will ever bring him back.

“How does it feel?” A sneering voice brought me out of my subconsciousness. “How does it feel to have the one person who mattered the most to you murdered?”

Jaejoong. Jaejoong murdered Hyukjae because I had killed Yoochun.

“Shut… Up.” I whimpered, almost pleading, still unable to control my breathing.

“And to think…” Jaejoong hissed, standing only inches behind my crumpled figure. “The last words which slipped from those pretty little lips were the words ‘I love you Donghae’.”

“I SAID SHUT UP!” I screamed, my voice echoing through the entire room, followed by more tears down my cheeks. 

I was a broken man. There was nothing left. If Jaejoong had pointed the gun to my head this very second, I would have begged him to pull the trigger.

It should have been me. It should have been me.

“He died knowing it was for your sake Donghae.” Jaejoong said, trying to rub salt into the already excruciatingly painful wound in my heart. “He had no hesitation in taking a bullet for you-.”
“SHUT UP!” I screamed, knowing I deserved to feel this pain. The pain which felt like no other beating I’d ever taken before. “H-Hyukjae…”

I muttered, pulling myself closer to his body.

“Hyukjae…” I repeated his name over and over, crying my absolute hardest, as if my own willpower would bring him back.

But I knew it wouldn’t.

Nothing could ever bring him back to me.

“LEE DONGHAE! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!” I snapped my head around, seeing the one and only Choi Seunghyun standing at the door, gun raised and pointed straight at my head.

I don’t care! I wanted to scream. Nothing matters to me anymore! Kill me, arrest me, torture me,  there’s nothing left to take from me anymore!

“!” Jaejoong reacted, drawing his weapon and aiming at the two men in suits, Yunho doing the same. “You brought cops with you!”

Seungri moved his aim to Jaejoong, while Seunghyun’s remained fixed on me.

“Drop your weapons!” Seungri barked at the two gang members, who neither complied. Jaejoong shifted slightly, keeping his gun pointed at Seungri while Yunho followed suit.

“LEE DONGHAE!” Seunghyun yelled. “HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD! NOW!”

Nothing else in the room phased me. Nothing seemed to be close to me in anyway. It was as though I was watching everything through one-way glass.

All that was in my own little world, was me, and the person I loved, dead in my arms. Nothing else was relevant.

I had absolutely no intention of following orders from anyone in the room.

If Hyukjae’s dead, why should I live?

All I wanted was my angel back, but now that my angel had been sent to heaven, I had only one option: follow him. The idea of living a single second without him pained my very core.

Seunghyun repeated himself, stepping further into the room.

I turned away from the four men, all at gunpoint and back to Hyukjae.

I leaned down, whispering ‘I love you, I love you so much’ against his lips.

And that’s when I felt it. A small puff of air from just under Hyukjae’s nose. I shot up, staring at his face.

“Hyukjae!” I screamed, crying even more. I felt another quiver of air from his lips. My hand shakily returned to his cheek.  “HYUKJAE!”

“What the ?” Jaejoong asked.

“HE’S ALIVE!” I yelled, clutching Hyukjae’s hand. I pressed my palm to his seemingly cold neck, feeling a flutter of a heartbeat beneath the cold skin.

Is he…?!

Suddenly, Hyukjae gasped, his eyes flinging open and flooding me with every kind of possible emotion.

“D…Ong…Hae!” He said, gasping for breath. “C-can’t…B…Breathe!”

Hyukjae’s breathing was strangled, and his chest was rising and falling at machinegun rate.

He’s alive!

Hyukjae coughed, spluttering and writhing before taking another deep, tortured breath.

“He’s having an asthma attack!” I cried, turning to one of the men in suits.

As soon as I had realised this, I needed to act fast.

Lee Hyukjae, you are not going to die on me twice!

I scrambled to my knees, darting to the edge of the room.

“LEE DONGHAE STAY WHERE YOU ARE! DON’T MOVE!”

I ignored him, my mind fixed on saving Hyukjae. I emptied drawers, opened cabinets in a blurred mess of tears and panic, finally grabbing a small medical kit and racing over to Hyukjae.

I tore it open, emptying it onto the floor beside Hyukjae, who was struggling for breath. I grabbed the small, emergency inhaler and sat him upright. He des