His silver blonde hair. His flawless pale skin. His almond shaped single lidded eyes. His jaw line, so delicate and so angular. His perky little nose and smooth full lips. The smell of his cologne, the way his lips stretched into a smile, showing the gums of his mouth.

He was perfect. Every single thing about him made my mind rush. He sent me on a high I had only previously found in alcohol. It was as though a single touch sent him coursing through my veins as I grew more and more addicted to him. He was like no other drug I had ever encountered.

And nothing I could do would ever bring him back.

He was gone. His fingers brushed up against mine for the last time, and just like that, he disappeared, like a ghost leaving this realm entirely.

I thought maybe I was crazy. Maybe a man so perfect had never existed in the first place. Perhaps it was all a figment of my imagination. After all the pain, all the loneliness, he finally took all that burden from me with a single smile.

The empty cartons of lactose free milk lined up on the bench to be thrown away was the only reminder I had that he had ever been here.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to chase down their car and beg him not to leave me. I needed Hyukjae. I needed him more than I have ever relied on any type of liquor. I needed his antics, his smile and even his little fluffy Pomeranian, I needed her too.

My whole body cried out for him.

The moment when Hyukjae had told me goodbye replayed over and over in my mind like a broken record. I should have grabbed him, held his thin frame to my body and begged him not to leave me.

But I hadn’t.

All I could do is feel my heart crumble like dry rock as he walked out of that door.

Tears began to flow mercilessly down my cheeks.

Hyukjae. Hyukjae.

I continued to call for him, as if willing him back into my arms.

Looking around my empty office, I gritted my teeth, huffing in anger. Not because I was angry at him, but because I was angry at myself.

For letting myself think he’d accept me, and maybe returning my feelings. Angry for causing him distress when he found out what I really was. A killer. And a freak.

I wasn’t angry at him, or even Hyoyeon.

I grabbed the papers spread over my desk and threw them to the floor, scattering them everywhere. I clenched my teeth through tears while I continued to throw pens, paper, files and even the cordless phone from my desk. I picked up the empty glass sitting on the coffee table and threw it against the wall with all my might, watching it shatter with a loud crash.

I sunk to my knees, settling myself on the floor like the pathetic child I was.

You never deserved me. You deserve better. Someone who hasn’t done jail time. Someone who isn’t running away from so much in his life. Someone who will be able to love you, and who you will love back. I am pathetic for ever thinking that could have been me.

I struggled to catch my breath, clenching my jaw harder.

All this pain I feel now, it’s nothing. How hysteric I am over losing you doesn’t matter. I would go through this and worse just for you to be happy, Hyukjae.

As long as you’re happy, I will suffer for that.

I took another swig of bourbon, feeling my throat burn at the foul taste. My mind began to go hazy, but bottle after bottle, I still couldn’t forget him.

My head pounded. It had been well over a year last time I was actually drunk. I was a very frequent drinker, but only enough to get a light buzz. Never to the point of throwing up.

But that’s what I did. I found myself an hour later, head over the bathroom sink, emptying the contents of my stomach.

At least the physical pain would leave soon. But inside, I wanted to die.

“Donghae.” I heard Kyuhyun’s voice through my bedroom door.

I said nothing. As much as I wanted to tell that beady eyed little to off, I didn’t even have the energy to make a sound. I just lay there, staring off over the side of my bed, letting tears soak into the pillow.

“For s sake Donghae, it’s been three days.” Kyuhyun snapped. “You can’t curl up in a pile of stale laundry and let yourself suffer forever.”

I wasn’t even listening to Kyuhyun. I felt like an empty shell of a person. I just curled up closer to a sweater by my face, closing my aching eyes.

“Donghae!” Kyuhyun yelled.

My ears were numb to Kyuhyun’s pleads. What reason did I have to even get out of bed in the morning anymore?

There was nothing left for me.

I was living in this house, one of the smaller of the estates I owned, dripping with money and surrounded by everything I thought I could ever want. Even all the money in the world couldn’t make Hyukjae love me. I pitied myself even more.

Hyoyeon was lucky enough to be loved by such a human as Hyukjae, and that made her the luckiest girl on this planet. To think, she had let him go the first time.

“Thanks for everything Donghae.” Hyoyeon said, walking down the driveway after Hyukjae had told her to wait in the car. “Really. Thankyou for being a friend to Hyukkie.”

I tried to smile, but failed miserably, and ended up in a sort of distorted scowl.

“Hyoyeon.” I lowered my tone so Hyukjae had no chance of hearing inside.

“Hmm?” She smiled.

“Don’t you dare do anything to hurt Hyukjae again.” I warned. “After everything you’ve put him through, you better mean it when you promised you’d never leave him again.”

“Donghae,” Her smile vanished. “Leaving him was the biggest mistake of my life. Now that I have my true love back, I will never do anything to risk that again.”

I nodded goodbye at her, trying to prevent myself from crying as I stepped back inside, ready to say goodbye to the most precious person to me for the very last time.

At least I knew he’d be happy with her. As long as Hyoyeon kept her promise, those two would probably be together forever, get married and maybe have children together.

Everything he deserved, and everything I couldn’t give him.

A week had past. I hadn’t left the house. Kyuhyun had complained that I was damaging my health by drinking myself to sleep every night. My eyes were bloodshot and I was definitely looking my worst. Kyuhyun was worried about the amount of work I was falling behind in. I didn’t care. Even though I didn’t need the money, I was letting down an entire team of people who did. I was in charge of keeping things in check. But how the was I supposed to do that when I couldn’t even take a shower without collapsing into tears?

I brought the neck of the tequila bottle to my lips, letting the explosion of heat and bitter taste settle in my throat. I didn’t care if I was drinking myself to death.

I didn’t care about anything since he left.

“God damn it.” Heechul said to Kyuhyun while they stood over my bed, watching me wallow in a downwards spiral of depression and lack of sleep. “He looks awful.”

“You don’t say.” Kyuhyun said, crossing his arms. I struggled to roll onto my side facing away from them.

“That Hyukjae guy must have been really good in bed.” Heechul teased.

“Heechul.” Kyuhyun warned, hearing the beginning of another alcohol induced tantrum from me. “Shut up.”

“Sorry.” Heechul muttered sarcastically. “Why don’t I just go get Eunhyuk? He looks the same anyway.”

More tears flowed down my cheeks. Kyuhyun’s voice scolding Heechul once again drifted to the back of my head while I zoned out.

No, they’re not the same. (For s sake, they don’t even looks the same anyway). Nobody out there can replace Hyukjae. The only one I want is Hyukjae.

Smash!

Another one was thrown to the floor, shattering into tiny pieces.

Smash!

Another one fell near my feet, breaking upon impact on the floorboards.

I grabbed another crystal figurine from my shelf, grasping it in my palm, breathing rapidly between my own heavy sobs. I hurled it towards the floor.

Smash!

“Donghae!” Kyuhyun yelled, slamming the door open. I screamed out in pain, letting tears stream down my face.

Kyuhyun grabbed my wrist, prying a small glass mouse from my hands, setting it back on the shelf. I collapsed in his arms, crying into his shoulder.

“Donghae.” Kyuhyun said, supporting my shaking body. “Please. You have to try to get over him.”

I couldn’t do that. I was in too much pain.

Love Donghae. I cried to myself. Love ing .

I had to be strong. As much as it hurt to accept it, I would never see Hyukjae again. I just had to move on with my life.

I washed my face with cold water, splashing it up onto my cheeks. It felt so refreshing to have a morning for the first time in nine days where I wasn’t hung over. I looked at myself in the mirror.

How long will it take for me to get over losing him? A month? Two months? Maybe never.

I wondered if this was exactly how Hyukjae had felt after Hyoyeon had betrayed him.

It was different though, I hadn’t been betrayed. Hyukjae was exactly where he was supposed to be.

I smiled to myself in the reflection.

“He’s in his place Donghae.” I told myself. “He’s happy.”

The soreness still hadn’t left my heart. I was slowly recovering from heartbreak, but I still missed him like crazy. I didn’t have anything to remember him by; I didn’t even have a picture of him.

But I remembered his beautiful face as if I had woken up to this smile that very morning.

I even found myself buying soy milk instead of regular, even though there was no need. I guess I just liked the taste. Or the fact that it reminded me of him.

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