That Paper Plane Could Not Fly

 

 

“Hey, do you want to be my girlfriend?”

 

I turned my back on him, feeling a cloud of intolerable, unidentified ugliness envelop around my chest, making it harder to breathe by the second. This warped emotion within my enclosed ribcage was beginning to take shape - the shape of ruthless fingers squeezed around my neck, extorting air from my lungs.

 

It was getting painful. So painful that tears leaked from my eyes.

 

So, this is what they call sadness.

 

As I restrained the sobs that screamed to be released, I took another glimpse back into the room. The room with its four discolored walls smirched with grime and ancient, faded scribbles. The grey tables scattered across the place in disarray with worksheets strewn all over the floor, and lastly, in the center of all this disharmony, a couple, in startling contrast to its chaotic background, smiling and radiating sickly sweet mirth, about to forge a connection.

 

The boy reached out and took the girl's hand in his. “Come on. You know I like you. What do you say?”

 

I saw the girl's cheeks tint as she returned a seraphic smile. Her lips parted and -

 

“Who's there?”

 

I heard the boy exclaim behind me as I took off, running down the corridor in the opposite direction of the classroom. I could barely see where I was going nor could I even think about where I was running, or why I was running. I should have entered the classroom and pretended nothing happened. I should have pretended all those did not bother me one bit. I should have pretended that my affection for that boy was nothing more but an ephemeral, fleeting crush.

 

I did not know why, but I could not do any of those.

 

Maybe it was because it was my first love and I had really wanted something to happen, something to spark between me and him.

 

My vision was blurry with tears. I could hardly make out any of the silhouettes before me. Everything were like blotches of colored paint smeared together into a mess of a painting.

 

Eventually when I did come to a stop, I realized I had ran halfway around the school, ending up in a desolated area that few students rarely pass into. I had literally crashed into a railing that prevented me from running any further.

 

My two hands grabbed the steely railings and I allowed my tears to fall, forming puddles on the metal rods.

 

Say that to me. Say it to me. Say it to me.

 

I shut my eyes and cried out to the sky.

 

 

“Not that again.” I grumbled to myself as I stared at the reflection off the mirror, my hands busy with trying to fasten a carmine ribbon around my collar.

 

My name is Choi Hee Yun. It has been a few years since that fateful day where my first love was stripped of its dreamlike fantasy. It was a vulgar wake-up call, one that sealed my emotions to the depths of my heart. Never have I fallen in love again.

 

I did not need something like love.

 

Yet once in a while the theatrical memories of that very day keeps rewinding itself in my mind's eye, almost as if time had refused to move on and had simply frozen in place.

 

I looped the silky fabric through the hole and finally succeeded in binding a decently presentable ribbon. I gave my reflection one last look, before I brushed a hand down my attire, smoothing out any creases.

 

One thing for sure, I was no longer the same Hee Yun as I had been close to eight years ago. Even if my mind was trapped in the times of darkness, I have phyiscally moved on since then.

 

I just turned twenty two a few weeks back. I have reached a ripe age and grew from that innocent girl who still wanted to believe in magic, to a woman who could not care less about anything else and just wanted my life to burn away till its final wax. I have a better knowledge of the world now, and I have integrated into society by getting myself a job at a bubble tea store.

 

It is not that great a job, but why bother if life is destined to end either way?

 

 

Maybe I should not have came for work.

 

That was the sole thought that raced through my mind as I gawked at the clamorous congregation gathered in front of the shop. Their excited hubbub rang in my ears incessantly, divesting me of the attention to even think of anything else other than the fact that those two were coming to visit our shop again.

 

It did make me feel a little empty inside, to know that most of these obstreperous girls assembling before the shop were not exactly there for a bubble tea drink. They were there for the candy – the eye candy.

 

Or rather, candies.

 

I strode past the flock of anxious fangirls and their turtle-like necks as they continued to peer around the vicinity with keen eyes.

 

As I entered the store and proceeded to check in for my shift, my lady boss surfaced from behind me, dressed in a near identical outfit to mine, except that there was an excess baggage bulging out of her front. In the months I have worked here her baggage seemed to be increasing in size steadily, which sometimes made me suspicious that she was actually pregnant.

 

“They are visiting today?” I looked up at her and gave a smile.

 

The lady boss ran her beefy fingers through her grayish hair to which she had brushed back into a tiny chignon near the top of her head and secured with a wire netting.

 

“I don't see how we can think otherwise.” she said matter-of-factly as she waved her hands exasperatedly at the bustling mass.

 

“... Right.” I answered with a laugh as I unhooked the employee's cap and apron off the wall and went on to grab my name tag off a nearby closet situated at the rear of the shop.

 

“Leaving me out, the both of you! Unfair!”

 

I had not descried her presence in the room until I felt her bony fingers pressed against the skin of my waist. I felt her warm breath on my back as she adhered her face against my blouse.

 

“Su Min! Ah, you! What do you think you are doing? It's embarrassing! The customers might be watching!” I chided as I tried to remove her hands from me.

 

Su Min is a childhood friend of mine. Perhaps she was more than just an ordinary childhood chum. The two of us grew up in this neighbourhood, and we shared the same childhood memories. We attended the same schools ever since elemetary, and there was practically nothing that I did not know about her. We share secrets and have heart-to-heart talks. As much as she was a part of me, I was, too, a part of her.

 

“Why, afraid somebody will catch us?” Su Min bantered as she tilted her head, her vertically trimmed fringe gravitating sidewards, but I caught no ball.

 

Spinning around I stared at her, ridiculed. “What on earth are you talking about? Who is that somebody?”

 

Su Min took a step back, withdrawing her grasp. She was a girl of a diminutive build, her impish face framed by glossy, honey-blonde hair.

 

“Oh please. Right now you are all fidgety because those two are coming. I don't know which of those two you like, but I think I kind of have an idea. You should look at yourselves when doing his order. You turn scarlet.” Su Min rolled her eyes as though she could not believe she had to say it herself.

 

I flushed, getting what she was driving at. “N-No! I-”

 

I did not get the chance to finish my sentence. The pending words about to be projected out were drowned out by the sounds of shrill cries, hysterical shrieks, blowing of piercing whistles and the stampede of feet.

 

The duo was here.

 

Only this time, it was not exactly a duo. Burly individuals dressed impeccably in raven black suits and neck ties walked by their two sides, acting as a form of resistance to any girls who crossed the line in their bid to be close to their idols, restraining some females with a body block.

 

It was only until the group had approached closer that I finally understood why there was such a huge crowd of fangirls today.

 

The whole idol group was here.

 

Su Min and I took our positions at the cashier counters as the lady boss stayed behind around the machines, ready to make the orders. From where I stood, I could sense Su Min's suppressed smile from the side.

 

I wanted to pinch her for making fun of me. I was not dumb enough not to figure out the identity of the 'somebody' she was referring to previously.

 

There was only one person whom I have taken orders from each and every time.

 

“H-Hello.” Despite being a regular customer at our store, the boy was always shy as he made his orders pensively.

 

Maybe I was only this annoyed at Su Min, because a portion of me knew that she was right.

 

I looked up, willing myself to look into those eyes of his momentarily as I flashed a professional smile.

 

Luhan.

 

“Welcome! Milk tea or taro milk tea today?” Stubbornly, I glued my eyes to the electronic screen, my index finger hanging in mid-air, waiting to key in his order.

 

“U-Umm...” Luhan's voice trailed away as he stared at our shop's menu overhead.

 

At this point of time, another male walked over and nudged him on the waist. “Don't daze out now! She's waiting for your order.”

 

Sehun.

 

“It was milk tea for everyone, right? Did Kai wanted something different?” Luhan looked over at Sehun, waiting for a confirmation.

 

Sehun shook his head and leant forward, against the counter. “Six orders of milk tea, please.”

 

I pressed on the touch screen of the monitor, keying in their orders. “Six milk tea, correct?” I looked up at Sehun, careful to exclude Luhan from my field of vision.

 

“Yeah.”

 

Turning my back on them, I repeated the order to Su Min and the lady boss, who had already began preparing the orders, taking spoonfuls of ingredients and dumping them into the plastic cups.

 

“30000 won, please.” Again, I kept my sight squarely on Sehun.

 

He handed me a large dollar bill. I accepted it and inputed the received amount into the system, before counting out the change and returning it back to him. Once I was done, Su Min was already standing back at my side, frenziedly trying to pack the things neatly into the bag.

 

“Ah, save the bag. We'd just take it.” Sehun told Su Min, as he turned around to the rest of the waiting group members behind him and beckoned them over.

 

“The drinks are ready!” he hollered.

 

Su Min started extracting the drinks from the plastic bags. When she did, she passed the drink to me to place on the counter. One by one the members came up to the counter, courteously offered their thanks for the drinks, and left with their share.

 

“Here's the last one.” Su Min delivered me the last drink as she folded the plastic bag and slipped it underneath the counter. I looked across the counter, only to lock eyes with Luhan. This time, I allowed myself to hold my gaze with his pair of large, round, crystal-like ones. Exhibiting another smile, I set the drink right before him before thanking him for his patronage.

 

Before I could pull back my fingers from the drink however, they were met by an extrinsic warmth.

 

Taken aback, I led out a cursory scream and quailed my hand away. Across, Luhan was startled, realizing what he had done.

 

“I-I'm sorry! I didn't notice your hand there!” he apologized, peering at my face with concern.

 

I blushed, discerning how immature I must have been. “No, it's fine.” I told him, trying to regain my composure, still feeling the lingering warmth from his fingers on mine. “I was just a little shocked. Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Please have a nice day.”

 

Luhan looked as though there was something on his mind that he wanted to say, but apparently he surrendered the thought and turned his back to the counter. Hastily, he jogged a few steps in front and re-immersed himselves back into his group who were ambling their way through their hordes of fangirls still there to chant their names.

 

I watched his fading back - the only time I would permit myself to look at him, at his beauty. His sculpturesque, exquisitely angular face. His equally defined nose. His tousled, russet, chestnut-colored hair. Lastly, his stirring set of jewelled eyes, large and globular – almost barbie doll-like, accentuated by his sweeping, elongated, bristling eyelashes.

 

If you could find something imperfect about this guy, then share it with me. Share with me so that I will know what to do the next time perfection stared back into my irises.

 

I rubbed at the spot on my skin where we had made contact, trying to erase his fingerprints, the sense of his fleeting touch, but failed.

 

I heard Su Min break out into a laugh.

 

My pen were rigid hard. The ink sank deep into the paper as I exerted tremendous force on my wrist and powerfully executed each and every alphabet.

 

“Hyun Jong, I loved you.”

 

Fastidiously, I folded this letter I will never send, into a paper aeroplane.

 

Fly away now, little one.

 

Standing by the window of my room, I hurled it out, watching as it soared towards the blue skies, carrying along with it a single stain of a teardrop.

 

 

 

To me, love is like a paper plane.

 

Its creation was heralded to fly - to roam the skies, to kiss the clouds, to embrace the sun.

 

You could spend minutes, to hours, to days, creating the perfect paper plane, as you would in building a relationship. You could spend all your life strengthening a connection, enhancing your relationships, but eventually, feelings will ebb away. People are always influenced by external factors more than internal ones. They will think. They will fret. They will lust.

 

And then you will have to let it go.

 

That is why love is like a paper plane. Some day, you have to let it go, because it was meant for better things and you can never make it stay, because even if you do, what good will it do? It will just catch dust from being unable to spread its wings. Just like forcing someone who does not love you to stay by your side, the relationship simply stays stagnant or putrefy.

 

Not forgetting, paper, more than anything else, denoted fragility.

 

I will never entrust such brittle, delicate parts of myself, into the hands of another human being ever again. Not when people have the ability to apathetically shatter it into pieces without having to even break a sweat, without knowing how the victim might never be able to recover all the broken fragments.

 

I will not love.

 

Interestingly, to someone like me, my friends seek advice on love.

 

They come to me as though I was a love guru, as though I knew everything about this enigmatic emotion present in everyone.

 

“That's why I said, do you think I should go after him? I mean, do you get it? What I feel for him... Is something more than just friends. You know what I'm saying? I feel like he's somebody special to me. What do you think I should do?”

 

It was always this guy, that guy.

 

“If you really like him... Then go for it? But on a side note, what the hell happened to you and your boyfriend? Broke up?” I spoke back into my cellphone.

 

“What? Him?” My friend's voice was irate. “Don't talk to me about him. He's a bug. A bug, I tell you! He's like a stalker to me right now! I told him I don't want to have anything to do with him. But all day long he follows after me, telling me we should reconcile and all that crap... But no! I have no more feelings for him. He's just so annoying right now! He's so possessive even after we break up. Imagine how I felt during the relationship.” Her voice raised by several decibels.

 

I did not know what to say, but to prove of my involvement in the conversation, I muttered back the words, “Well... Get a restraining order or something.”

 

“No... I have something else in mind. Can you do me a favor, Hee Yun? Pretty please?”

 

 

 

That was exactly how I ended up sitting alone beside a table, in a cafe, with a cup of freshly brewed coffee in my hands.

 

My friend pleaded for me to come and see this guy and tell him to leave her alone. Initially I was very much against the idea, for I was a third party in their whole relationship and had nothing to do with either of them in their romance, and of course, it was a complete waste of time. It was not as if I dictated how things should be in the world. My words will change nothing, but, according to my friend, if all of us, her pals, went to him and told him to get lost, he will get intimidated that he was being ganged against, and he will wisen up and leave her alone.

 

I decided it was not that hard to say a few words to his face, drink some coffee and leave.

 

In my mind, I recited the sentence I will say to him. “She says she has no more feelings for you. She wants you to forget about her and move on.”

 

And it was that sentence in which I recited to the sinewy stranger dressed in a thick black coat who took the seat across the table. Only that if everything had went to my plan, he would not be presenting such a fierce retaliation.

 

The man slammed both his balled up fists onto the wooden table. The strength of impact caused my coffee cup to bounce, spilling the brown contents slightly onto the saucer beneath.

 

“She's lying! I know she's lying. She still has feelings for me. Why did she want to leave? Are you guys all involved in this, huh? Are you all brainwashing her? What did you say to her? Answer me!” he yelled at my face, and at that time, I grew a little perturbed, partly due to how now most of the customers have turned their heads our way. Maybe my choice of location was a terrible mistake.

 

Genuinely rattled right now, I decided it was time for me to scoot. “I didn't say anything to her.” My voice was rushed. “Sorry, I think I have to-”

 

I saw the man swing his arm, but it did not occur to me that I had been punched in the face until I heard a petrified woman scream in shock. Only then did I experience the throbbing pain on my cheek and register how that punch was robust enough to have sent shockwaves throughout my brain.

 

The man swung his arm again, apparently unsatisfied. My heart lurched and I braced up both arms in a bid to protect myself -

 

Though the blow never came.

 

Surprised at the delay of collision, I lowered my guard and took a look, only to find a hand deftly stilling a balled fist in his grasp. I looked up at my savior and was rendered speechless. I turned my head away immediately.

 

“Hey, stop. Anymore of this and I'd call the police.” they boy went, deflecting the fist away.

 

Gasps escaped the aghast audience.

 

Of course, why wouldn't they? They probably saw this guy on TV before.

 

Luhan from EXO.

 

Why is he here?

 

The man made a low grunt before he stood up reluctantly and stormed out the cafe indignantly, swearing under his breath.

 

 

 

“Hee Yun, are you all right?”

 

I glanced to the side, only to find my eyes arrested by Luhan's glimmering ones.

 

Somehow it felt a little tingly on the inside hearing him use that voice of him to call my name. It felt surreal – almost as though he wasn't quite calling my name.

 

“I... I am fine. Just a little shocked... That's all.” I the injured cheek with a hand, inciting soreness where my fingers made contact.

 

Luhan opened his mouth, then closed it again. “Do you,” he asked. “Know that man from before?”

 

“It's not that I don't know who he is exactly... But I don't really know him well.” I forced out some words, though it only dawned on me afterwards that they had sounded gibberish. Then, trying to save him from confusion, I went on to say, “He's the boyfriend of one of my friends. At least he used to be.”

 

For a second, there was an eerie, stifling silence that floated in the air between us.

 

Luhan seemed to be aware of it too because in the next instance, he had ensconced himselves on the seat my attacker had previously been sitting on, his hands interlaced into a nervous bundle as his eyes darted to his right.

 

I gawked at him for a while, not sure what he was planning on doing, but decided to keep his company.

 

“What are you doing here at this cafe? No... work?” Was work an apt epithet to describe whatever he was doing? I was not even sure.

 

“Ah, no. We are all taking a rest today.” Luhan's eyes flew back onto me as he led out a soft smile. “I came to the cafe to meet some friends for a drink. But they left right before the altercation happened for you.”

 

His fingers tensed up again. “Why... Umm...” he clutched his hands tighter, till an extent I was afraid he was clawing his nails into his skin. “Why were you with your friend's boyfriend?”

 

As soon as the question was out, he reclined backwards and shook his hands violently. “I... I don't mean to probe about your personal affairs or anything... It's okay if you don't want to tell them to me.”

 

His uneasiness around me actually caused me to laugh. “Oh that.” I began. “It's a long story. I was just trying to help a friend out. My friend wanted to break up with him, but apparently he does not want to give up on this relationship just yet, so he got angry and gave me a punch. Oh well, I guess it's good that my friend decided to leave him for good. He's violent.”

 

I remembered I had not finished my coffee so I reached out and grabbed the cup. The coffee had turned cold by now.

 

Stirring the teaspoon, I lifted the cup and took a small sip. Coffee certainly had to be drank hot.

 

“Do you come here often?” I asked as I lowered my cup back onto the table, trying to strike up another friendly conversation.

 

Luhan offered a curt nod of his head as he smiled. “Sometimes. It's a nice place to unwind at.”

 

I nodded and looked to a side as he did. It was a little frustrating to get a closed reply from him; a reply that could not branch out into other possibilities thereby revealing added conversational topics.

 

I was beginning to feel the air between us solidify oppressively once again, but the answer to our mounting awkwardness came in the form of water droplets – millions of them in fact, outside the cafe, tapping rhythemically against the glass window, leaving their liquefied trails down the polished surface.

 

“It's raining?” I exclaimed, feeling pretty convinced that the azure skies and creamy white clouds I had chanced upon half an hour before had certainly not forewarned any of us of this imminent downpour.

 

Deceptive Mother Nature.

 

I groaned. “I didn't bring my umbrella. I'm trapped here.”

 

Thinking about all the time I had to spend sitting inside a cafe, doing nothing but consuming tea or coffee instantly bored me. I rested the side of my cheek on an open palm and sighed sluggishly.

 

Luhan carried a look of amusement as he studied me for a jiffy, then diverted his gaze outside the cafe, at the passers-by striding down the cobblestone pavements with their gaudy, ostentatious umbrellas.

 

“I'm stuck here too,” Turning back to me, he said. “But there's a shelter connecting all these shops together. Do you want to walk around me?”

 

I blinked. “With you?”

 

He jerked backwards a little and flushed, his cheeks a deep red. “I... Yes, I mean... Uhh... I... That... If I'm not good enough...”

 

I realized I had used the wrong words. “Huh? N-No, I meant you are willing to accompany me? You are not in a hurry? And I mean you... Are a star, right? Are you fine with walking around with an ordinary girl like me? Will there be repercussions?”

 

“Well, you are not ordinary to me.” I heard Luhan whisper a few incoherent words under his breath.

 

Leaning in, I asked, “Sorry? I didn't catch you.”

 

“Ah. Y-Yeah, I'm fine. We are still given freedom to do a little of what we want, though we still have to watch ourselves.” He sounded more composed now.

 

I gave up trying to find out what he had mumbled and beamed. I stood up, my voice then feverish with excitement - glad that I was having company, maybe forgetting that I was having the wrong company, “Then what are we waiting for? I forgot, there's a whole row of shops behind. Maybe we can find a shop that sells umbrellas too!”

 

Smiling, Luhan got off the seat as well. The both of us had taken a few steps in front towards the entrance, when I remembered, out of the blue, that I had not finished my cold coffee. I excused myself and scrambled back to the table before the waiters or waitresses could clean the table, grabbed my cup, and glugged down the somewhat bitter brew, my head raised high. Then, embarassed to have left Luhan waiting, I rushed back, my cheeks puffed out from containing all the coffee.

 

Luhan broke out laughing at my ludicrous appearance, watching on in hilarity as I fought hard to swallow all the coffee whole, pushing it down my threadlike oesophagus.

 

When I was done a few seconds later, I was grinning like a Cheshire cat as I announced, with a little pride, “We mustn't waste any food.”

 

 

 

 

Once outside, Luhan donned on a pair of dark sunglasses, its frames so large it nearly hid his eyebrows. It was chilly, as though the cloudburst had formed a layer of icy trap across the expanse of the now crepuscular sky tinged with grey clouds; a layer that seemed to be rapidly absorbing any twinges of heat off the earth and dispersing them into nothingness.

 

He hugged his black jacket tighter around his body.

 

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