Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda
 

Pairing: TaeSic
Rating: G
Genre: Non-Alternative Universe, Romance





It shouldn't have been like this. Sunny shouldn't have been Taeyeon's savior. Certainly, Taeyeon's anything shouldn’t have been anyone other than Jessica. Yet for all her wishes, Jessica could not deny the fact that she was busy swaying her body to please masses when her most important person needed saving. 

After finishing their dance, Jessica was finally aware of the incident, but by then Taeyeon has been completely swarmed by bodyguards, while the guy who grabbed the kid leader was escorted out by security. She could do nothing but watch as Taeyeon tried to act calm in front of everybody. 

Even though her girlfriend smiled and acted as though nothing happened, Jessica could sense the fear that Taeyeon was feeling. There was something in the leader’s eyes that seemed alien to Jessica. Only she noticed that Taeyeon’s legs were shaking so much that the leader was unable to move. Taeyeon even stood there for a couple of minutes, smiling at everyone that walked by them as if it was natural for her to greet everyone that passed. 

Even now in the evening, having retired alone to the living room of their dorm after finishing their activities for the day, she could still picture Taeyeon trembling backstage as if the leader was just in front of her, and that only brought sadness to her.

Jessica’s eyes were set on the television in front of her. Images that appeared in the television didn’t register. All she could see was her lover’s earlier situation. Could things have been different if she was in Sunny’s or Hyoyeon’s position?  From where Jessica was stationed, she didn’t see the man when he approached and grabbed Taeyeon since she and her lover were in opposite ends in the choreography. The moment the incident occurred, she was too focused on giving their fans a great performance that everything else just became second priority. She couldn't stop ruminating over whether she would've done the same had she been in Sunny's shoes. Would she protect her lover like Sunny did or would she simply follow how they were taught- to be professionals on stage? Maybe she would remain frozen, too, just like how Hyoyeon reacted. Everything seemed to jumble so much in Jessica's head that it began to hurt. 

“Change the channel to KBS!”

“Huh?” mumbled Jessica confusedly, as Yuri jogged into the room and grabbed the remote control, switching the channel.

“There was an incident earlier at Lotte during So Nyuh Shi Dae’s performance. A young man…” The news anchor kept on reporting as a video beside him played a scene captured on a fan’s camera. It showed the girls as they were performing, and out of nowhere, a guy walked towards Taeyeon and grabbed her.

“Wow. Sunny’s so brave,” whispered Tiffany, who had discreetly slid into a couch only seconds ago.
Yuri scoffed, “I’m braver than her. If someone dared to do that to you, I’d protect you. I’d beat them up.” She finished with an idiotic grin on her face.

Tiffany laughed, “Are you sure? Wouldn’t you be more like Hyoyeon, who just stood there looking like a lost kid? Or like Sooyoung who stood there.”

“Hey!” Hyoyeon bellowed from the kitchen. “I didn’t know what to do!”

“Awkward as always.” Yoona teased from the fridge, accompanied by a yelp, no doubt a ‘reprimand’ from the dancing queen.

“Where’s Taeyeon by the way?” Tiffany asked Jessica as Tiffany moved to sit beside her best friend.

Jessica shrugged.

“Where’s Sunny?” Tiffany looked around as she realized that not everyone was present

“I last saw Sunny unnie with Taeyeon unnie in their room.” The maknae answered politely.

“Awwe! Those two are really cute. I wish I could have a best friend like that.” Yuri said, as she flipped through television channels, searching for a good show to watch.

“Yah! Why would you need a best friend when you have a awesome girlfriend like me!” Tiffany glared at Yuri, and she simply got a grin from Yuri in response.

Knots in Jessica’s stomach started to build up as the dandyu couple was mentioned. It’s not like she had a problem about them before because she knew that there was nothing going on between her lover and Sunny. But Jessica just couldn’t help but think of things that occurred that day.

Yuri wasn’t able to find a better show so they eventually returned to MBC, which was featuring today’s incident as well. “Sunny’s really tough.” The camera focus shifted slightly and she laughed as she pointed at another figure on stage, “Look at Hyoyeon, she’s an idiot.” 

“Pssh! I bet you wouldn’t even do anything if you were in my shoes! You’d be scared, too!” 

Yuri laughed, “I’m not as cowardly as you. I’d ninja that person if they ever come near my Tiffany.” She held her hand out, ready to chop someone. 

Tiffany then laughed, “If someone comes close to you, I’d just walk away and hide behind Sunny!” She joked.

Yuri placed her hands on her chest, acting hurt. “You’re so mean! I was gonna put my life on the line for you. You and Jessica are really alike.”

Hearing her name, Jessica’s bubble burst. “Huh?”

“Come on, I bet if you were in Hyoyeon’s or Sunny’s shoes, you’d probably shriek like a dolphin and run away.” Yuri laughed out loud. All the other girls chimed in, laughing at Yuri’s joke, not realizing that what Yuri said struck a deep chord on within Jessica.
Jessica stared down at the floor, ashamed for a few moments as the laughter washed over her. Shame turned into anger and she stood up, giving them all a ferocious glare before stiffly walking towards the bedrooms. As she did she pondered on Yuri’s words… perhaps what Yuri was true. She would probably just stand there and be scared. Her hand automatically reached for a familiar door and she twisted the knob, stifling a gasp of surprise at what she saw from the crack of the open doorway: Sunny and Taeyeon were in each other’s embrace. She quickly shut her eyes to avoid the scene and softly closed the door, berating herself furiously. She had been sleeping in Taeyeon’s bed for so long that she mistook the dandyu’s room for her own. She hurriedly entered her room that was beside the shorties’, before diving into her bed, sighing. She remained faced down, and grabbed a pillow, hugging it for comfort.

What a crappy day. She looked at the wall clock and it was a couple of minutes past twelve; it was already her birthday and Taeyeon forgot. Tiffany greeted her during their Gee performance on stage. And yet, her own girlfriend didn’t even greet her; instead, she was in Sunny’s arms. Ever since they started dating during their trainee days, Taeyeon would never fail to sneak inside her room to give her a kiss and greet her with a wide smile. But maybe the incident today made her lover forget about her. It could be traumatizing. Or it may be because Sunny’s embrace was warmer compared to hers? It could be comforting.

Yuri’s words were like a broken record that kept on playing in her head. “Urgh!” She grunted as she hit the mattress. Yuri’s words resonated in her thoughts. The look in Taeyeon’s face was still in her mind. The dandyu’s embrace was still clear to her as if they were just in front of her.

Did it really seem like she was that weak in everyone’s eyes? Did it really seem like she wouldn’t be able to protect Taeyeon from other people? Did it really have to be Sunny? Couldn’t it be her instead? She wanted to prove the girls otherwise, but she couldn’t even convince herself. She didn’t even have the confidence to say that she could save Taeyeon from the guy. She didn’t have the strength to be like Sunny, whom not only saved her girlfriend but also was the one comforting her girl right now.

Jessica heard the door open and so she said, “Get out.”

“It’s my room, too, you know?” Tiffany spoke in English as she walked towards Jessica. “You know we were just playing around.”

“I know.” Jessica felt a blanket cover her. She looked at her best friend, “Thank you.”

Tiffany flashed Jessica an apathetic smile, “Wanna talk about it?” Jessica simply shook her head. “Okay. Go sleep now.” Tiffany bent down and kissed the top of Jessica’s head like she always did when her best friend felt down. “Happy birthday, Jessi.”

“Thank you.” The celebrator replied softly.

Soon after, Jessica could hear Tiffany’s heavy breathing. Jessica tossed and turned, trying so hard to find a comfortable position for her to drift off to sleep. The coldness didn’t help. Nothing could make her go to sleep. She was exhausted, but her eyes didn’t seem to remain closed.

Why did it seem like her bed was too big? Had it really been that long since she last slept alone? Jessica stood up and went to the corner of their room where they left their boyfriend, the life sized white teddy bear that some Sone gave them. She dragged it towards her bed and hugged it, hoping to receive warmth from it. But nothing happened. She still felt cold.

She looked at the bear in the eyes, and punched it. She scoffed as she finally became aware of her action. “I’m going crazy.”

She sighed for the nth time that day. “It’s supposed to be my birthday.” She then pulled the bear in for a hug, thinking it was her lover. Oh how she missed spending her birthday with Taeyeon. But Taeyeon was with Sunny, hugging each other. “Urgh!” She grunted again. Why did she have to bring up something that she was somehow already forgetting?

“Jessi?” Tiffany mumbled sleepily.

“Hmm?”

“Can’t sleep?”

“Mhmm.” Jessica murmured. 

“Want to sleep beside me?” Tiffany patted her bed. “I feel cold.”

“Ughh…”

“I’m really cold. Come on.” Tiffany pleaded.

“You whine a lot.” Jessica sighed.

“Please? I’m really cold. Come on now.” 

“I don’t want to.” Jessica hugged the bear tighter. She then felt her bed sink, “What are you doing!?”

“Sleeping with you.”

“That’s !” Jessica faced Tiffany and pushed her.

“Awwe come on. It’s not when you’re willing.” Tiffany said as she comfortably lay beside Jessica. “Good night.” She bid; she then placed her arm around Jessica’s waist, and then continued her sleep.

“Stupid. You like imposing on things.” Jessica said with a smile on her face. She was lucky to have such a best friend beside her. She didn’t have to say anything for Tiffany to sense that there was something wrong with Jessica.

At that moment, the warmth that Tiffany gave Jessica was nothing compared to the heat of Taeyeon’s embrace but she no longer felt as cold. She felt discomfort as she lay sideways. She then tossed around, facing forward and stared at the ceiling. Thoughts of all the incidents that happened earlier paraded inside Jessica’s head, but she was already too exhausted to even picture and mind each one. She then stowed all those scenes in the back of her head, and slipped into deep slumber.



****


Jessica woke up, feeling as though she hadn’t slept at all. was parched so she slung herself forward in search for a bottle of water that they usually leave on the night stand, but to no avail. Groggily, she dragged herself out of bed and noticed that the clock read five ante meridiem. She woke up this early? Impossible! To make sure of it, she glanced outside the window and saw that it was dark and caught sight of Tiffany sleeping peacefully.

Jessica did her best to exit the room without making a sound and successfully managed to do it. The door closed behind her without waking Tiffany and she headed towards the hall, leading to the social rooms, only to see a silhouette of something rushing in the dimmed living room. Thinking that it was only a figment of her imagination, she carefully approached the living room, forgetting that she was in need of water.

Taeyeon? She thought as she tried to convince herself that the short figure was actually Taeyeon, and not to grab the nearest thing that she could to hurl at the rushing figure.

She stepped forward and now saw the entirety of the figure: it truly was Taeyeon. On their leader’s hands, there were glittering ribbons and a number of tube-like objects that she carefully tried to not drop. She went back from where she came from, unaware that Jessica stood there and was watching her. She hauled a glossy cream colored paper and dragged it to the couch; trying to plaster it to the wall but found difficulty into doing so since of her height disadvantage.

Jessica came silently forward and hopped on to the couch, giving assistance to the midget. “Thanks.” Taeyeon breathed exhaustedly. “I’ve been trying to set it up and make sure Jes--” She turned her head aside and gawked at Jessica. “Oh my god!” Taeyeon stumbled off of the couch, clutching her chest as if she had seen a ghost. “Why are you awake at this time?!”

Jessica stepped off of the couch and helped her up. “I was thirsty.” She then turned the nearest light switch on, and saw the coffee table filled with party poppers and gift-wrapped boxes. By the couch, the glossy paper that Taeyeon tried to hung up sprawled to the ground. Pointing to it, Jessica asked, “What’s tha--”

Taeyeon rushed to her and blocked Jessica’s eyes with her hands. “No! No! No!” She tried to lead Jessica out of the living room but stopped, sighing. “You were supposed to see it later.” Taeyeon’s voice hinted so much disappointment that Jessica wished to herself that she didn’t interrupt Taeyeon. “Now it’s spoiled.”

Jessica tried to pry off Taeyeon’s hands away from her eyes but Taeyeon struggled to keep it where it was. “Taeyeon--”

“Would it be possible for you to forget about it?” Taeyeon asked, desperate to keep the surprise intact.

“No.” Jessica sighed a little. “Taeyeon, let me just--”

“Well, you haven’t seen everything yet. What if--”

“Taeyeon.” Jessica said, stopping Taeyeon from talking. “I’ve seen it already. I know you have a surprise for me.” Taeyeon slipped her hands down to her sides, allowing Jessica to see the disappointment from written all over her face. She kissed Taeyeon, making Taeyeon blink at her in surprise. “Thank you. Really. Thank you.”

Taeyeon’s blush deepened as Jessica stared into her eyes, smiling. “I wanted for you to see the whole thing without spoiling the surprise…” She mumbled, looking at the floor like a little child. “Are you sure you just can’t forget about it? I mean, you can pretend that you’re just dreaming.”

Jessica stared at the banner that had already opened itself and read, Happy Birthday Dearest Jessica! “Nope.” She answered, clutching her lover’s hand. “Thank you.”

Taeyeon looked up at Jessica. “Well, since everything’s out already. I might as well greet you.” She threw her arms around Jessica and whispered lovingly into her ear. “Happy birthday, SooYeon.”

Jessica held her tightly, fearing that if she let go, someone else would take Taeyeon and give her no power to grab her back. Suddenly, all the thoughts that she tried to cast away last night came back to her ten folds. “I’m sorry.” Jessica muttered aimlessly, controlled by the flashbacks that were playing over and over again in her head.

Taeyeon’s grin never left her face, “You should really apologize. You ruined the surprise.” 

Jessica furrowed her brow as she looked down, “It’s not that.”

“Oh really? Then what?” Taeyeon leaned back to have a better view of Jessica; her arms still wrapped around Jessica.

“I---I’ve been thinking.”

“You’re not breaking up with me, right?!” Taeyeon cut her off and hugged her tighter than Jessica did. “I swear I didn’t do anything wrong!”

Jessica pushed Taeyeon lightly, “What made you think that?” asked Jessica as she looked at Taeyeon.

“Well...” The kid leader began and the continued, “Normally, when a lover apologizes out of nowhere, they usually end up breaking up. Just like in those dramas.” Taeyeon thought her words would make Jessica smile, but it didn’t. “What’s wrong? It’s your birthday, shouldn’t you be happy?”

“I--- I just really feel down.” 

Taeyeon frowned, “Why is that? I hate it when you’re not happy.”

“It’s just that... I feel useless?”

Taeyeon shook her head, “That’s not true.”

“It’s true. Sunny was the hero. She protected you when I---“ Jessica released herself from their embrace and grasped Taeyeon’s hand. “I can’t just stare at you while you’re in danger.” She felt defeated as the scenes again. “I’m sorry I couldn‘t do anything to protect you.”

Taeyeon placed her lips upon hers and held her close. “Jessica,” She cooed. “Nothing happened to me, right?” But Taeyeon could still see the uneasiness in Jessica’s eyes. “I’m here to protect you. It’s not the other way around.”

“But Taeyeon, I want to---"

She gave a cheery grin then said, “If there’s anyone to protect someone, that’s me protecting you.”

Jessica looked at Taeyeon’s eyes. Why was it always like that? Every time she looked at Taeyeon’s eyes, she would always feel like her troubles were instantly washed away. She felt like she was an idiot to even think about the situation. She pouted and slapped Taeyeon’s arm. Why must her girlfriend be so cheesy?  “I hate you.”

“I know. I feel the same way.” Taeyeon then grabbed a party popper and launched one, with a loud bang, confetti popped out, showering them with colored paper. “Happy birthday!” 

“What was that?!” The girls worriedly rushed towards them from their rooms without tidying, but soon after they noticed what the couple was doing, they all smiled and ran towards Jessica and hugged each other. “Group hug!” Tiffany yelled.

“I can’t breathe!” Jessica said as the girls were squishing her tightly.

“Happy birthday, Jessica!” Yuri greeted first, and the group started to sing Happy Birthday.

Jessica smiled as she realized there was nothing to worry about. These girls truly loved her. There’s nothing that could replace the bond that she had with each one. Taeyeon was the best lover in the world; she couldn’t ask for more. Sunny was the protector of the girls; she would take a bullet for the girls. Tiffany was the most understanding best friend; no words were needed to be spoken, she would understand anything. Hyoyeon was the mother that always nurtured them. Yuri was the bubbly girl that no one could resist; she jokes a lot but when she’s needed, she wouldn’t hesitate to drop anything for the girls. Sooyoung was the cry baby but the most understanding one; she comforts them and cries along with them. Yoona was Jessica’s partner in all crimes to prank each members; days with her would mean a day full of laughter. Seohyun was the most mature out of all her unnies; she takes care of them as if she was older. 

Jessica’s smiled widened as she said, “I love you guys.”

Starting her day like this wasn’t so bad. Maybe she should always wake up early so she could feel this love more? Just the nine of them, loving each other. Just the nine of them, caring for each other. That’s what Soshi bond was all about... just the nine of them.

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