"Kris get up." Chen said again for the hundredth time in the past ten minutes. Ten long minutes filled with nothing but crying and failed attempts to stop the tears. "Wu Fan, if you do not get off the floor on your own. I can and will make you." Chen nudged my elbow with his foot. I'd like to see him try to move me. Tao was a Wushu master and he couldn't even move me.

"Yi- Please let me help you. The floor is dirty and you might get sick." He almost called me my full Chinese name which everyone knew I absolutely despised. "The floor is nice." I knew he could hear me whispering against the carpet, as he sighed and sat on the couch. "I heard about Luhan." I snickered at the name, "Do not say his name in my home."

"Fine. He said sorry and that he didn't mean it. What did he say exactly?" I guess Luhan managed to leave out the details of the story and only told his side to everyone. "Tao was a lowlife." It made me angry again. It made my blood boil a little and quite frankly I could care less if Luhan never spoke to me again and vice versa. "I quite liked Tao."

"Really?" I pushed myself off the floor enough to turn onto my back and face the couch. "Yeah. He was really sweet and I liked talking to him about Chinese culture and stuff." Chen patted the couch next to him, smiling like he expected something from me. "I talked to him quite often actually. I even have his number in my phone. It's too sad to delete it now."

I didn't know Tao talked much to any of my friends. But I'm glad he found solace in Jongdae because he was the least judgemental. I've never seen him talk down to anyone nonetheless behind someone's back. He use to say public humiliation was inhumane and that people who did it deserved life on a deserted island. I'd take the deserted island right now.

"You're not the only sad one. I guess I was just too chicken to go to the funeral seeing how badly everyone was hurting." And I finally decided to get off the cold floor, my joints yelling at me for being in one position for far too long. "Chen I'm sorry." I sat next to him and sank into the cushion a little. It was nice to be on soft fabric again. "For what?"

"I always doubted you and everyone else. I judged you because I thought you were judging Tao, like Luhan." His hand rested lightly on my knee, "Luhan liked him too just not as much." Chen's smile finally faultered and eventually disappeared all together. "I doubt that." I bit back and closed my eyes. I was exhausted more so then earlier. Stress took too much out of me nowadays.

"Kris you need to relax." Tao moved to sit behind me on the bed. His extra warm hands gliding under my shirt and over aching muscles and tendins. "How can I relax? My mother is coming to visit me in a couple days." His hands moved up to my shoulderblades. Those long fingers digging into the area that held the most stress. "So what?"

"So what? So, she doesn't know I'm with you none the less that I like guys." I almost just wanted to melt under his touch but I couldn't. Not when I had to think about us and our potential future together. "Just introduce us and I'm sure she'll understand." He made it sound easy. "You wouldn't understand. Your mom could care less about you."

Silence.

I had hit a nerve talking about his mother and I knew it. His hands moved out of my shirt and he moved away from me, "That was low Wu Fan." The bed bounced when he got up and headed for the door. "Tao, I didn't mean it." His back was shaking a little and more guilt layered on. I had done the one thing I hated most. I made him cry.

"No you're right." He said and the door opened to reveal that the apartment was dark from lack of light and nighttime. I was right but I didn't want to be right in making him upset. "I'm leaving." He announced and disappeared into the hallway. And I let him go without trying to stop him. I had made a huge mess out of things. When he was just trying to be romantic.

"Kris?" I felt Chen's hand on my shoulder, squeezing it between fragile looking hands. "Where'd you go?" He asked, "And why are you crying again?" Tears were salty in my mouth and made my eyes burn. "So Baekhyun's out of rehab?" I changed the subject easily because talking about feelings wasn't exactly my thing. "Yes."

"At least he got help. Even if Tao wanted to go to rehab it was probably too late." It was bitter talking about it to anyone else but myself. "I believe you helped him a lot actually. Without you he probably would have been into heavier or dead sooner." Chen was never my close friend, we were acquintances more than buddies half the time. But right now is when I needed a friend. And hopefully he'd step up.

"I wish he never went to the roof." It was all my fault no matter what anyone said. I killed him, I might as well been the one to push him to his death. "They said he wasn't thinking straight because of the drugs. I think they were right, it was an accident." I didn't get it. Why choose now to come forward as my friend? "An accident I caused." I moved off the couch. Suddenly it wasn't comfortable anymore.

"Kris if you need someone I'm here for you. I lost my brother, you know, to cancer. I understand loss better than Junmyeon or even Lu-him." it was nice  to know all this personal stuff about someone I barely considered a friend. "But that doesn't bring Tao back!" I yelled and he jumped at the sudden outburst. His pupils blown up in shock. 

Tao screamed when I screamed because of the horror movie he convinced me to watch. "What? What happened?!" Tao the lamp on the table next to the couch. "Wu fan what's wrong?" Tao's eyes were blown even bigger than usual, the heavy eye-bags making him look much older than he should look. How young he's suppose to look.

"I hate this movie." Never would I admit I got scared of a barely rated movie that wasn't even that scary. It was just all a bunch of fake blood and splattered actors. But bugs were something I couldn't do. And this movie played into that. Giant ants attacked Tokyo while mutant hornets and wasps attacked America. "You ." I smacked his back at the foul language. He just laughed.

"You look like Tao." It slipped out and by the way he looked up at me, I was sure he heard it. "How so?" He stood too but the height difference made him shrink back down onto the couch. "The eyes and I can't take it anymore." I had tried but ultimately failed in re-collecting the mess I was at the moment. I probably looked like crap. I felt like it.

"Jongdae I can't take this." I fell onto my knees in front of the couch. "I-I need help." It wasn't romantic when he pulled my arms and crossed them in his lap. Bringing my cheek to rest on my arms. "I know." And with soft fingers he raked through my hair, massaging my scalp. I lost count on how many times I've cried today. I was never counting.