"Oh God, this is where you tell me that you're just a figment of my imagination and that I'm really crazy and that I made you up and oh my god, my life is a lie--" Kyungsoo rambled, on the verge of a panic attack.

"False, I'm too complex of a character for anyone to simply create." Jongin smirked before becoming serious again. "I'm not a figment of your imagination, although I wish I was because it would be so much easier for you to- for you to... to let me go and forget me that way and I-" Jongin choked on the beginning of a sob because he knew, he knew, he had ed up for falling so desperately in love. 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Let you go? Jongin what are you talking about? You told me, Jongin, you told me that you weren't dying or leaving me, you promised." Kyungsoo shook his head, his wide eyes swimming with confusion and panic.

"Sorry." Kai forced out. "So sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" Kyungsoo asked. 

"Sorry." Jongin's shoulders shook and he turned his face away. "I'm really sorry."

"Jongin, what's going on?" Kyungsoo's voice rose in panic.

"Can you... listen to me for a while? Just listen, don't speak. Don't cry, please. I just want to get everything out, and I will, I swear it." Kai took a deep breath and wiped away the tears absently, restarting the engine and making an illegal u-turn towards the dance studio.

The ride was silent except for the occasional sniffles and concealed cries. Jongin pulled into the driveway and sat in the seat for a moment, readying himself for the onslaught of tears and pain. 

As soon as they were composed and inside the building, Jongin grabbed Kyungsoo's hand and smiled one of those watery ' I really don't want to smile right now but I will because I love you' smiles and led him towards Yixings dance studio.

Kyungsoo was confused again, something he had grown to used to, but simply let Kai lead him because he trusted him.

They passed the clingy children and towards the blank dance instructor who seemed to already know what was about to happen. "It's that time around, huh?" 

Jongin nodded grimly and walked into the empty room at the back. He plopped down on the floor and waited for his tiny lover to join him. "Listen, okay?"

Kyungsoo nodded.

"I love you." Kai started. Kyungsoo was about to respond but Kai shook his head. "I love you so much, and that was something that wasn't supposed to happen, but it did. I pursued you relentlessly, asked you out on dates, I pretty much initiated this entire relationship and it was a move, but I was not planning, at all, to be in a committed relationship and fall in love with you. I knew from day one that you were different than Suho and Miyoung and that you would stay, and I knew from day 2 that I was going to fall in love, but I ignored it because I thought I can't fall in love if I don't want to."

"And that, was by far, the stupidest thing I have ever done in my entire life. The reason I was so upset when I saw JunMyun hyung wasn't just because he broke up with me, but because of the reason. After I- after I told him about what I'm about to tell you, he left me because he said that he couldn't handle it. And I just want to tell you ahead of time that I will always, always love you. And this is going to be incredibly corny and disgusting, but I learned that you don't love with the brain, but with your heart. And my heart is perfectly fine, but my brain... my brain isn't, hyung."

"I'll love you no matter what." Kyungsoo broke the rules and spoke.

Jongin shook his head. "Please don't say that."

Jongin took another deep breath. "Kyungsoo, I told you that I grew up with Yixing, correct? And you've noticed that things aren't completely there for him."

Kyungsoo nodded. It was hard not to notice, Yixing was always blanking out and he forgot things in a span of minutes. 

"Yixing has autism." Kai smiled gently. "He's one of the smartest kids you'll ever meet, but he has autism and can't really connect to things. The only thing that has stuck with him was dance.

We grew up together... in the orphanage. The same orphanage that little MiMi is from. The place that houses the kids with down syndrome, autism and other mental disabilities."

"So you..." Kyungsoo's brows furrowed together.

"I was... I was worse." Kai winced at the memories. "I was born with part of my brain turned off. I was one of those "retarded" kids that people scowl at on the streets and are secretly disgusted by even though they give those patronizing smiles. I couldn't speak without slurring my words, I couldn't eat by myself, I felt- I felt worthless, Kyungsoo."

"But you're okay now." Kyungsoo shook his head. "I don't care about who you were in the past, I love you right now."

Despite the comforting intent behind the words, Kai's face fell and his heart shattered. "That's the thing, Kyungsoo. I'm not okay now, not anymore."

"I- I don't understand." 

"I had surgery three years ago, an experiment, to turn the part of my brain on that wasn't working." Kai explained. "The medications I was taking regulated the blood flow and connected the nerve endings to that part of my brain. I wasn't expected to be this smart, and that's what makes this so hard for me. If I was born with my entire brain on, I would have been a real genius."

"But you're okay now." Kyungsoo repeated, standing up.

Kai sighed. "No. The surgery isn't permanent, it would have faded over time. The medications prolonged it, but since I threw them away, I... I'm not going to be genius Kai that you fell in love with. I'm going to be Jongin the kid with a mental disability that no one loved."

Kyungsoo bit his lip and took a step back.

"I bet you're wishing you didn't say you would always love me." Kai smiled sadly and leaned back against the wall. "I told you this over here so Yixing could take me home when you run away."

"No, no no no. I love you, I will always love you. No matter if you're intellectual Kai, or if you're less than intellectual Jongin, you are still Jongin to me. Funny Jongin, kind hearted Jongin." Kyungsoo reached for him with trembling hands.

"I'm not really a psychology major, you caught me on that lie a week after we met. But trembling hands are a sign of fear." Kai laughed to himself to keep from crying. "I wont say it's a lie that you think you'll love me the same when I'm less than capable, but it's not the entire truth, either. You fell in love with me because of my mind, but that's not going to last. I wont blame you for leaving." 

Kyungsoo began to cry. "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I'm an , I know. I'm not smart, Kai. I'm not smart and I rely on you to take care of me and, and, I'm scared. I'm scared because I wont be able to take care of you when you- when you go back to your old self. I will crumble and destroy you and I'll hurt you without meaning to and that's- I- I'll still love you, I'm completely 100% sure I'll still love you, but Kai- I'm not smart." He said pathetically, his small body shaking with sobs while inhuman sounds clawed out from his throat in full out ugly cries that still managed to look adorable. "I'm so sorry."

"You can leave, Kyungsoo." Kai let the tears stream down his face. He didn't even look up as the door slammed open, and kept his watery gaze fixed on his reflection across from him. "I don't mind."

"No, Jongin, please listen, I-"

"Yixing, will you take Kyungsoo home please? I don't really want to see him right now." Kai knew the words were harsh but he felt he needed to hurt Kyungsoo to make him realize that he needed to leave Kai behind. Yixing awkwardly pulled Kyungsoo away while Sehun shut the door and enveloped the elder male in his arms.

"I'm so sorry, hyung." Sehun whispered into Kai's hair. "I'm sorry."

"I could've been as smart as you if I was born normally. Mom would have kept me. You wouldn't have been burdened. I wouldn't have been hurt. I could have had a normal relationship with the person I love instead of always being afraid and walking on egg shells because what if they don't love me when I'm back to myself?"

"You are not a burden, Jongin.Why did you throw your pills away, Kai? There was enough to last you at least half a year."

"Because I realized that I'm just hurting myself and Kyungsoo. I realized that... interrobangs aren't part of everyday punctuation for reasons. They're unnatural, they're used for rhetorical questions that aren't supposed to be answered, they were made because the decision between an exclamation point and a question mark was too hard." Kai wiped his tears and curled his knees up to his chest.

Sehun shook his head and sat next to his best friend. "You're one ed up person, Kai. Interrobangs might not be used in formal writing, but formal writing is boring and lacks the aspect of casualty. You are different, Jongin, you are informal. You are used for irony and exclaimed questions with no answers. You are what every writer wants in their life."

annnnnd sorry for giving you all panic attacks with that last note. i'm currently using my desktop and since i love you all so much i rewrote this chapter.

unfortunately, it is very anticlimatic and not what i had originally written/intended, but... i hope it's okay ;^;

aND DID ANY OF YOU EXPECT THAT DID U OHOHOHOH WOW DO U HATE ME YET DO U

send the hate, darlings, send the anger, i shall embrace it hohoHOHOh

no really, pls comment.

chaos-