Why don’t they like me?

I was on the computer looking at people’s comments on our Youtube videos.  I was shocked that some were really unhappy with me.  I clicked on one of my teasers and gasped.  They said hurtful things like: “Why does Kai get all the attention?” and “Oh my God, this guy again?  Why don’t they show the other members?” and “He’s not even y.  So what if he has tan skin?  I think Kris is hotter.”

I felt pain shoot through my heart as I stumbled upon more and more of these comments.  Soon, I couldn’t take it anymore.  I closed the webpage and felt wetness rolling down my face.  I was crying, but I couldn’t help it.  I try my best to please the fans.  I try really hard and they get mad at me.  I learned so many dances for those teasers.  I practiced for so long, so many hours, perfecting each dance.  Yet every time I check what the fans say about me, there are always some hateful comments.

I dabbed at my eyes with my shirt, hoping Kyungsoo wouldn’t walk into the room.  I didn’t want him to see me like this.

He’s cooking, he won’t come in. 

I sighed and leaned my head back on the chair, looking up at the ceiling.  I hated being the company’s favorite.  I hated being the so called “y” image of EXO-K.  I don’t want to be y, I want to be Kim Jongin.  The fans don’t know him, though.  To them, I’m a showoff who doesn’t do fanservice.  What they don’t know is that I’m really a shy, lonely person.  They don’t understand me.  Nobody seems to understand me. 

Why did I become an idol when I can’t even handle comments like this?    

I can’t just change for those fans, though.  The company gave me a chance to debut so now I have to go along with what they say.  I have to be Kai.  I have to dance until my legs give out, I have to deal with saesang fans and I have to run on only a few hours of sleep if any.  If I can do that then surely I can brush off comments like those. 

But it still hurts.

I couldn’t shake the sadness that I felt.  It brought my whole mood down and I couldn’t do anything about it.  I shouldn’t have looked it up again.  I shouldn’t have made myself sadder than I already was.  It’s times like these when I miss my family.  I miss being able to see them every day.  I miss my mom the most, though.  I miss her food.  I miss her hugs and kisses.  

This is what I signed up for, though.  This is my dream.  But, this isn’t the reality I wanted.  I used to daydream about being loved by everyone.  It was a stupid dream, I guess.  I was too blind to the world.  It’s cruel, and there’s nothing I can do about it.  Maybe it’d be better if I wasn’t in EXO.  Maybe I shouldn’t have joined.  The other members probably don’t even like me.  They just pretend to get along with me for the fans and company. 

“Aish!”  I groaned and buried my face into my hands. 

Am I depressed?  Is this what it is?  Is the burden of fame and fortune finally catching up to me?

I want to talk to Taemin about it, but I don’t want to bother him.  He’s probably busy with his own group.  He doesn’t have time for me.  I don’t know what to do, though.  I don’t know how to get rid of these thoughts.  Sometimes they scare me, I don’t like being like this. 

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the door opening.

“Kai?”  I heard Kyungsoo call.

I quickly wiped my tears away and took a deep breath.

“Yeah?” 

“Dinner’s ready.”

“I’m not hungry, I’ll eat later.”  It took everything in me to not let him hear the melancholy in my voice.

“Kai.” 

Great, he definitely noticed, didn’t he?

“Can you at least come sit with us?”  He questioned while walking over and putting a hand on my shoulder.

“It’s okay, you guys can eat without me.”

“No, Kai!  You’re going to get in the damn kitchen and eat with us, okay?”  He raised his voice for the first time at me and I was shocked.

I flinched at the sudden anger that laced his normally soothing voice.  I didn’t like to be yelled at, it made me upset.  My eyes began to glaze over as I blinked back tears.  I thanked my lucky stars that I still wasn’t facing him. 

“Jongin… please…”  His voice cracked and I suddenly turned around to face him. 

He was crying.

Kyungsoo was crying because of me.

But why?

“Kyungsoo… why are you crying?”

 “Jongin, just please come to the table.  Please, just this once.”  He managed to choke out while I just sat there in shock. 

I stood up despite the protests that warned me in my head.  I braced myself to be yelled at or met with scowls.  I hadn’t eaten with them for a month so I didn’t know what to expect.

They all were staring at me as I took my seat that was next to Kyungsoo’s.  They weren’t scowling but I was still scared.  My hands were clammy and my face was red with nervousness.  I could only guess what they were saying in their minds.  They hate me, I know it.  I rested my hands on the table, slightly gripping on it so that I wouldn’t go crazy.

“Hyung, what are those?”  Sehun looked up at me with an emotion I’ve never seen before from him.  I didn’t know what exactly that emotion was, but it scared the hell out of me.

“What?”  I cautiously inquired, not knowing what he was referring to.

“Those bags under your eyes, they’re worse than Tao’s.”  He bit his lip.

I figured they were there because I hardly slept anymore.  I was too preoccupied with my thoughts to sleep.  I always made sure to put make up on before facing everyone, but I forgot to today. 

“Jongin, we’re worried about you.”  Suho piped up, flashing me a sympathetic look.

“Why?  There’s nothing wrong with me.”  I retorted with an eye roll.  Why are they getting in my business?

“No, there is.  You’ve been distancing yourself from us, you haven’t been eating and you haven’t been sleeping.  Is there something wrong?”  He went on and I, of course, knew that everything he said was right. 

I wasn’t about to admit it, though. 

“Hyung, really, I’m fine.  I’m just not hungry or tired.”  I reassured him with a fake grin.

“What are you saying?!  You have the biggest appetite out of all of us and you obviously have insomnia.  Don’t lie to us.”  Kyungsoo immediately cut in.

                It’s all true…

                I felt my eyes welling up with tears.  I tried to stand up but Kyungsoo grabbed my hand.

                “You’re not leaving.  We’re not going to let our friend be depressed like this.  You’re going to sit down and tell us what’s bothering you.  Jongin-ah, we’re here for you.  We all love you.”    

                I lost it at that, I flung myself into his arms and sobbed.  I broke down for the first time in years and sobbed like a child.  I didn’t care at that moment.   I just wanted someone to hold me.  I wanted someone to comfort me and tell me everything was okay.  I hoped Kyungsoo would be that person right now.  I secretly had a crush on him, but I’ve kept it to myself for a while since I figured he’d never love a loser like me.

Everyone was silent for a moment, only my body-racking wails filling the room.  Kyungsoo stiffened in surprise.  I could basically picture his eyes bugging out cutely, like they always did. 

“Jongin-ah…”  I heard him murmur as he my hair with one hand and rubbed my back with the other. 

I snuggled into his embrace as I tried to compose myself.  Suddenly, I felt more pairs of arms encircling my body.  I raised my tear-streaked face to see that everyone was hugging me. 

“Cheer up, Jongin-ah.  We love you.”  They all said in unison.   

How cheesy, it was totally rehearsed. 

I realized I wasn’t crying anymore and sniffed a bit. 

“Thanks guys, if you don’t mind, I’ll tell you now.”  I took a deep breath and explained everything, how I was upset about the anti-fans.  How I was homesick.  How I felt lonely and how I hated myself. 

After I was done, they all hugged me again and told me that everything was going to be okay.  I sighed, not believing it, but I decided to try to be happy.  I didn’t want to disappoint them. 

I still didn’t feel like eating but Kyungsoo practically begged me to eat his kimchi spaghetti.  I took a bite and it was delicious.  It was weird because everything else I tried to eat tasted like paper to me.  Maybe I like Kyungsoo.  Maybe he’s the one that’ll save me from my sadness.  I suddenly felt my face go hot at these thoughts.

Who am I kidding?  He doesn’t like me at all.  I’m just a friend to him.

I sighed after swallowing the spoonful and got up from the table.

“Thank you guys, you made me feel better for a second there.  I’ll try to be happy.  Oh and thank you for the food, Kyungsoo-hyung.”  I bowed to them and left for my room.

My happiness was short lived as I closed the door and leaned against it.  I knew they told me that they loved me, but do they really?  What if our manager told them to act like they loved me so that I would cheer up?  I jumped onto my bed and hugged my knees to my chest.  I closed my eyes and tried to shoo the thoughts away.  I groaned in frustration as I failed to do so. 

What is wrong with me?

I wondered if I’d ever be able to be happy like I was when I first became a trainee.

An hour later I heard the door creak open and Kyungsoo walked in.  He looked at me for a second before digging through his dresser and pulling out pajamas.  I watched as he took off his clothes, one by one.  I felt myself gulp at his pale skin that was being exposed.  My heart started pounding as I looked away in embarrassment.  He was truly beautiful.

Was I seriously just staring at him?  He’ll think I’m a creep.

“Jongin, can you sleep with me tonight?  I want to make sure you get a good night’s rest.  I’ll do anything to make you happy again.”  He confessed, studying his toes with pink-tinted cheeks.

Who made him do that?  He looks embarrassed so it must be hard for him to say.

“I don’t know who made you say that, but you don’t have to force yourself to cheer me up.”  I replied with a poker face. 

I secretly wanted him to say “no it’s okay Jongin, I love you” or “I’m not kidding, I really want you to sleep with me”.  Okay, that last one sounded weird but whatever.

Instead he did a total 180. 

“ing hell, Jongin!  What is with you?  Why do you always hide your real feelings from me?  I thought we were best friends but I guess you don’t have faith in me.”  He spat bitterly.  I saw him ruffle his hair in anger. 

I honestly have never seen him so upset at me before.  I was kind of scared because he was usually the one who was like the mother of the group.  He was fair and calm and loving.  But now, I was afraid of him.  I didn’t know how to react to his sudden outburst. 

“Kyungsoo, I-”

“Jongin,” He interrupted in the gentlest voice, “Jongin, I love you.  I’m sorry.”

I sat there dumbfounded as he started crying for the second time today.  He laid down next to me and embraced me.  It wasn’t like the one earlier, it was much more passionate.  For the first time, I was distracted from the ever-nagging sadness that always enveloped me.  Instead, I was enveloped by warmth I’ve never experienced before.  It wasn’t anything like the group hug or any hug I’ve ever gotten.

“You’re kidding right?”

“No you idiot!  Why don’t you believe me?  Don’t you know how much it breaks my heart to see you like this?  I’ve watched you change since I first met you.  Every day I fell more in love with you.  Every day I became sadder as I watched you from the other side of the room at night, curled up in a ball, unable to sleep.  Don’t you understand?  I am going crazy because it’s killing me to see the one I love torturing himself.  Not by cutting, not by crying all the time, but by suffering alone.  Keeping everything on the inside and not trusting us.  I’ve been scared every day, wondering if it’d be the first day you cut or take pills.  I decided that I’m not going to sit around and watch anymore.  I’m going to fix you, no matter how long it takes.  Do you understand me now?”  He was gasping for breath by the time he was done, his face red from the lack of oxygen.

I took a minute to let the confession sink in and I gazed up at his big, blood-shot eyes.  Then, I let my gaze travel down to his soft, plump lips.

“I love you, too.”  I closed my eyes and craned my neck upwards to press my lips against his.

He was already there waiting for me.       

We decided to go to bed after I put my pajamas on.  I couldn’t wait any longer to feel him again.  As soon as he let go of me, I became sad again, aching for just one more touch. 

I basically jumped into his bed with him and he intertwined our fingers, giving my hand a light squeeze.  Then he leaned over and kissed me.

“Jongin-ah, you don’t have to be alone anymore.  I’ll never leave your side again, okay?  I’ll try to make you the happiest person on earth if you let me.”

“Thank you so much.  I don’t know why you would love a reject but thank you.” 

“Stop putting yourself down, please Jongin.  You’re the opposite of a reject.  You can dance, you can rap, and you’re the iest man alive.  If anyone’s a reject, it’s me.”

“Don’t ever say that again!  You’re perfect.”

“Well now you know how I feel when you say that.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“Good night.”  He yawned and let go of my hand for a second before slinging an arm and leg around my abdomen and nuzzling into my chest.

“Night.”  I whispered, kissing his forehead and falling asleep quickly for the first time in a year. 

“Aw, look at them!”  I woke up to a voice and groggily opening and eye and glancing at the direction of the sound.

Baekhyun and Chanyeol were staring at us through a crack in the door and giggling like schoolgirls.  They saw that I was awake and ran away, still giggling.  I rolled my eyes and fell back asleep.

A year later, I found myself happier than I ever was.  I ended up going to therapy and getting anti-depressants.  Two months ago, I found out that I no longer needed to take them.  My medicine now is Kyungsoo, EXO and our loving fans.  I recently went on a fan café and saw how many fans I really had and it made my heart swell with joy.  I went back to the same videos that had those rude comments and saw how other fans stood up for me.  I was amazed at how loyal our fans were and it really made me happy.  I even learned how to ignore the anti-fans and it was much easier to deal with. 

“It’s time to eat.”  Kyungsoo made me snap out of my thoughts and I nodded with a genuine smile.  I followed him to the table and sat down.

“Can I eat you instead?”  I smirked and puckered my lips but he put a finger up.

I heard gagging and realized that the rest of the members were also present.

“Cute.”  He kissed me on the cheek and placed down the steaming bowl of kimchi spaghetti.

Right at that moment, I had everything I needed:  Kyungsoo, food, the rest of EXO and happiness.

Life couldn’t get better.

------------------------

Authors Note:

Hi!  So... yeah... I made Kai sad.  He ends up happy though, with the aD.O.rable D.O. (wow... pretend I never wrote that).  Everyone likes happy endings right?  I absolutely adore Kaisoo so I felt bad for not giving them a oneshot so I decided to write one.  I hope it isn't too bad but hey, I'm not a pro.  Thank you everyone who reads this.  I love you guys!!!