CHAPTER FOUR:Kim Sung Gyu

 

 

As if a sudden light had appeared in front of him, SungGyu’s eyes opened wide with amazement.  For the past days the sentiment of being useless had haunted his mind and actions. There was no moment he felt he could’ve done more for his gone member but those words, those seven words brought to him the confidence he had lost in the way. Like a soft lullaby that caresses a baby’s sleep, SungYeol’s voice brought a certain calm to SungGyu’s uneasiness. Even if it was feeble, the voice didn’t sound scared or desperate. Disarmed maybe, but it wasn’t painful like before.

 

SungGyu knew it, SungYeol was better.

 

The held breath SungGyu had unconsciously trapped,  freed its way as he went to sit cross-legged on the toilet lid. One of his sleepers fell upside-down in the process. His sharp eyes gave birth to a spark as his mind repeated the question given.

 

Can I ask you for a favour?

 

How could he neglect the petition when he knew the younger idol wasn’t the kind of person that asked for other people’s help. He was the one that usually gave, so when he called for someone, it meant it was needed.

 

For a second time, SungGyu had received a call from SungYeol. Just like last time, saying no wasn't an option.

 

“SungYeol-ah,” he whispered too, feeling the unused name in his lips.

“Can I?” SungYeol repeated.

 

“When have you ever asked?” SungGyu smiled gently as he took off the other sleeper.  “Tell me, what is it?”

 

There was a soft snort on the other end before both lines went silent.

 

“It took you a while to answer. Were you asleep, Hyung?” SungYeol asked after a while, ignoring completely the other’s question.  

 

“No, in fact I was kind of surprised you called. It took us a moment to get over it.”

 

“...us?”

 

“WooHyun got my phone first,” SungGyu murmured knowing the expression the caller had at the moment.

 

A sigh was heard in the other end.

 

“I guess I should say sorry to everyone for... yeah.”

 

“I guess so,” SungGyu shrugged before setting his eyes on the locked door. “If you don’t want to pick up their calls, at least answer their messages. MyungSoo’s about to freak out.”

 

“I’m sorry,” SungYeol’s whisper got thinner making the leader feel a tad guilty. He shouldn’t have said much.

 

“Aish, it’s okay, it’s just that we really wanted to know something about you. The fact that you left so suddenly... it just changed many things for the group.”

 

“I know, I wanted to... it sort of happened. I’m sorry,” for a third time SungYeol asked forgiveness.

 

“Don’t worry too much about it, Geonam-hyung explained it to us.”

 

SungGyu remembered his manager telling them how the directives had concluded to that decision and the fact that SungYeol had no say in the matter. That reminded him how he too, being Infinite’s leader, had no say in the matter either.

 

The thought brought a dumb smile on his lips.  Feeling stupidly impotent he scratched the back of his neck. “You know? I should be the one saying that, I wasn’t really helpful when you were here—”

 

“What? Hyung, you helped me a lot back at the dorms. In all it was me that choose not to bother you,” SungYeol’s hurried voice ran over the older’s words, erasing SungGyu’s expression. “I know I don’t say it much, damn, I don’t say it at all, but thank you... Thanks for being there, Hyung. If you hadn’t appear back then I—I just don’t know. You’ve always been there for us.”

 

In other times SungGyu would’ve taken those words as a lame joke, a teasing from their slyest member but this time he just half smiled feeling the younger man’s sincerity.

 

“That’s my job.”

 

“One thing is being a leader, and another is what you do,” SungGyu snorted at the  caller’s words. “I’m serious, I don’t know why you try so hard to give your best. Stop it, you put other leaders in  shame.”

 

A bit of the old SungYeol bloomed. creating a nice sensation in the older male’s stomach. “I just like to do my job right.”

 

“I know, that’s why I’m not so sure about asking you the favour,” SungYeol’s voice lowered as some shifting noises sounded on the back of it. “Because I’ll just end up giving you more dilemmas.”

 

SungGyu blinked.

 

"What do you mean by that?" The idea of another scandal flashed thru SungGyu’s mind.

 

"The favour I want to ask... you might not like it."

 

What intended to make things clearer, ended up confusing SungGyu more. His brows got knitted with concern as he decided to not precipitate. Silently, the leader waited for a better explanation.

 

What SungGyu imagined to be a curse was listened on the other end.

 

“I know you aren’t allowed to say a thing about... you know. I was with you when JungYeop-hyung said we had forbidden to say a single word about the matter. Back then I thought that was the best option, but that was because I was so ashamed… I'm still ashamed.”

 

SungGyu knew SungYeol had paused to calm himself. Recognizing a feeling in front of others is though, he knew the tall male felt vulnerable as he opened up.

 

“But now, now that I’ve been thinking about it,” he kept on going although his voice went slower. “I don’t think that’s the best for us.”

 

Just as those words were said, SungGyu knew where his dongsaeng was heading to and for a second he wished SungYeol wouldn’t.

 

“Please don’t ask me to do that.”

 

“Hyung, I’ve caused so much trouble. To the group and the label. Infinite can’t go downhill because of me. It just can’t. I saw you at the dorms. I saw your worried and troubled faces. The uncomfortable way you all move around when I’m there. You know? I saw the reality yesterday but I couldn’t see it all, not when I keep on seeing how you’re all trying to act as if nothing’s worrying you but it’s so painfully obvious that something’s wrong—” His words were cut by a sharp inhalation.  Somewhere between his words, tears had started to fall silently. “Hyung, I want to feel better but knowing you’re like that only makes me feel worse...”

 

“SungYeol-ah…"

 

“They deserve the truth. I know you think that way too,” SungYeol kept insisting. “I want them to know that I'm not guilty. That it really was an accident. I don’t want them to hate me bec—”

 

“No one hates you.” SungGyu raised his voice slightly as stress took over him. How could SungYeol think they hated him? Weren’t they like a family?

 

SungGyu could listen to the other’s unbalanced breathing. It was ironically funny how SungGyu was able to listen to SungYeol worries like the first nights after the accident even when they were so far away.

 

By then the leader knew SungYeol wasn’t hurting only because of the scandal, the fans or because of the rumours the media had created. Those weren’t the real problem. SungYeol wasn't that insecure nor he needed of other people's acceptance. Unlike other idols, he couldn’t care less. The reason behind SungYeol’s pain was no other than Infinite itself.  He feared the members’ hatred. Their rejection and unforgiveness.

 

That was the reason SungYeol hid in his room and didn’t contact with anybody. That’s why he took the others’ distance as displease. Since the other members didn’t know what actually happened, they were also oblivious as how to act around SungYeol. What could they say? What they should do? They didn’t know how to act towards the completely different person SungYeol had turned into. How should they act towards a person that decided to disappear from their sight to the point of screaming? The wall had been drawn to not confront the rejection and it was taken as a sign of distance. When no one tried to break it, the wall - unconsciously - backfired at SungYeol making him feel the distance as hatred.  

 

“I can’t face them,” SungYeol continued after he had calmed himself. “I can’t tell them, at least not now, not when I’m such a mess… but you, I know you can. Hyung, please. I want you to tell them what happened that night. Show them I’m not guilty. They believe everything you say.”

 

“They gave us an order SungYeol.”

 

As the words flowed from SungGyu’ lips, a wave of self hatred covered him.

 

“I’m begging you.”

 

 

Being a leader isn’t an easy task. For an idol group to a social service. The position is one that demands a lot. Leaders have duties and responsibilities to fulfil. They have to take care of the people under their command and face the created troubles as their own. Being a leader is tiresome and stressful. But worth it.

 

During all those years in the entertainment industry, SungGyu met different leaders. Not only from the idol groups but from the directives, producers, staff and dance crew. There was always a leader that, if he paid more attention, managed to leave a little something into his ever learning self. The ones he liked to see the most where the leaders from idol groups. Even if they had the same responsibilities, they were all different. Each of them managed to fulfil their duties in their own ways. Some leaders were gentle like Onew, while others were the reliable type like LeeTeuk. And some others were strong and way too centered like SeungHo.  

 

SungGyu liked to believe he was a firm leader.

 

A firm leader that lacked in many areas.

 

There had been plenty of situations when he had had to accept the words and orders they received, loved or hated ones. And even at those times when he wasn’t content with the demand, SungGyu didn’t show his dislike, not a single expression was made to show a negative thought. He always tried to lead the younger members with a smiling face just because he knew it was good for Infinite. He had dreams he wanted to fulfil for the group and whenever he decided something, he managed to push the younger ones. SungGyu, with all his nagging - and even with his lazy self - managed to get his dongsaengs to exceed their limits , to surpass their fears and grow stronger. That was the reason why their synchronization while dancing never failed to impress people. That was the reason why they managed to keep Infinite at the top twenty in every music chart.

 

Yet he had an Achilles’ heel he had to fix. There was something his lazy and demanding self couldn’t resist. And that was the same idiotic dongsaengs he had been taking care of since he got named leader.

 

Although he was a nagger and he pressured them a lot, SungGyu always fell for their wishes and whines. All their demands. From an ice cream to a short escape to the closest café, SungGyu tried to spoil them in a responsible way. He always had an ear for them. He liked to listen to their opinions and whenever he found them useful for Infinite he would search a way to make them happen. And whenever they were in need SungGyu would end up doing the impossible for them.

 

He gave them that and more since the younger members had given him everything he asked for. They worked so hard for the group, day by day, and never once whined seriously about it. If he demanded a hundred and fifty percent, SungGyu knew he was going to get it from them. Because of that, SungGyu felt the need to pay them back, therefore he ended up answering their desires. But what SungYeol was asking him, it was something completely different. He had to break the rules that were already set. He had to go against what was already accorded.

 

Was it worth it?

 

Was SungYeol worth it?

 

“Of course he is.”

 

 

 

A creepy smirk grew on his lips as he woke from his deep thoughts. With his iPhone he caught sight of the time. He had thirty minutes before JungRyul arrived to check they were up. SungGyu knew that if he didn’t do it then he wasn’t going to have time later. Having the staff and managers around was troublesome.

 

Quickly, he stood from the toilet lid and when he fell to the floor he noticed his legs were asleep from sitting cross-legged. He cursed himself as he hit both legs until he managed to make them respond. With the dormant sensation still on his legs, SungGyu tried to walk as fast as he could back to his bedroom just to find his roommate asleep on his bed.  WooHyun wasn’t completely inside of it as his feet were touching the floor. It seemed he had fallen asleep as he waited for his leader to come back from the phone call.

 

SungGyu snorted at the sight.

 

“Yah, WooHyun-ah, wake up. I need your help.”

 

Without a trace of gentleness, he shook the other’s shoulder.

 

Instead of an answer, he got pushed off by the younger male. Waking WooHyun up was part of his daily routine. He knew how tedious and long it was to wake the other up and he didn’t have time for that. Not that today.

 

“Don’t you wanna know what SungYeol said?”

 

The moment SungYeol’s name surfaced WooHyun moaned.  Fighting against his tired self, he tried to open his curious eyes.

“What did he say?” His voice was hoarse for the lack of sleep.

 

SungGyu pulled the younger singer out of the bed with a swift movement just to end up with WooHyun’s cheek on his shoulder. His breathing tickled SungGyu’s neck.

 

“Help me wake the others up and I’ll tell you everything,” SungGyu said pushing gently the idol from his body. Now that he had nowhere to support himself, WooHyun tried his best to stand still and keep his eyes opened. The sight of his roommate fighting against his sleep self was a hilarious one that SungGyu always enjoyed watching.

 

“When you say everything, is it really everything?”

 

“Start waking DongWoo and MyungSoo. I’ll bring Hoya and SungJong over,” SungGyu ignored the question pushing WooHyun all the way out of their bedroom.

 

 

In ten minutes SungGyu managed to get all the sleepy members in the biggest bedroom. None of them had a happy or light expression on their faces. None of them had their eyes completely opened. The lack of sleep was obviously kicking their attitudes and the atmosphere in the bedroom.

 

“It’s not even five in the morning, can’t we go back to sleep, Gyu-hyung?”

 

Curled in MyungSoo’s lap was SungJong who had shamelessly his eyes closed. The idea of being awake so early in the morning wasn’t appealing for him.

 

“Doesn’t the radio program start until seven?” DongWoo said between a yawn. He and HoWon were resting their backs on the wall not really knowing what was going on. WooHyun was wide-awake by then. He knew what was in door.

 

“It does, I just have something to tell you.”

 

“Why not wait until later? Half an hour is half an hour,” SungJong groaned getting a glare from SungGyu. Unlike them, he didn’t sleep at all. Instead of saying that he decided to get to the point.

 

“Because it’s about SungYeol.”

 

As he expected, the name of their missing member caught the sleepy heads’ attention. Even MyungSoo’s eyes opened in surprise.

 

“I received a phone call from him three hours ago,” SungGyu informed.

 

“What happened to him?” L was the first one to speak tensing the atmosphere.

 

“Ah… nothing to worry about,” SungGyu said sitting on the side of the visual’s bed. He half smiled at the young man. “It seems he’s doing better at his place.”

 

A sigh was heard but SungGyu didn’t see who released it.

 

“He told you when is he coming back?”

 

“No Hoya, he doesn’t know either. It doesn’t really depend on him.”

 

SungGyu could see the uncomfortable looks the younger members had. They wanted SungYeol back but it wasn’t possible. At least for now they had to wait. Yes, they were going to keep on waiting but this time something had changed in the leader’s head. Their waiting was going to have a solid hope. And as they waited, he was going to find a way to make s’ desire come true. He had to.

 

“Then? What did Yeol-ah said?” WooHyun, who had been waiting the longest, asked.

 

“He wants you to know what actually happened two weeks ago.”