THIRTY-FOUR

The Difficulty Of Being Kim Sung Gyu

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR:Hospital

 

 

The feeling of walking on a dark stage as wild fanatic shouts are heard was one of SungGyu's favourite things in life. It was something few people had the pleasure to experienceand SungGyu had been able to feel it plenty of times over the past years. How it made his fingers tingle with expectation and how his heart accelerated its beat just a tiny bit more with anticipation, thrill running all over his body making him aware of how far he had gone. And how soon after it, like a vampire or a unique creature, his eyes got comfortable with the darkness that surrounded him before getting blinded, just by mere seconds, with the light that suddenly went on making him the center. The spotlight. That, that was one of SunGyu's favourite things in the world and now he was aware he was going to experience it for maybe, the last time.

 

At least that was his unfortunate verdict.

 

His fingers were tingling stronger than ever and his heart was going so fast SungGyu felt it was going to explode at any moment. Quickly, he found his spot on stage before lifting his gaze. The darkness made it clear for SungGyu; he could see perfectly the people's faces. There was a really big crowd, hoobaes and sunbaes included. Even if they were talking, most of them were attentive to the stage, in those few moments, thousands of eyes were set on the stage trying to figure out what was going to happen next.

 

Infinite.

 

There was no cue to it, without any advise, the music started and like a spell, SungGyu's heart slowed. He closed his eyelids to open his ears. Carefully, he listened to the music. Every instrument and musical device. Each sound was recognized by his ears. Then, the cue to the dance. 

 

It was comfortably weird how SungGyu entered on an awkward automatic stage. He knew what he was doing but at the same time he wasn't thinking about it. He knew were to move, which dance step was next yet he didn't need to actually think. And it was the same for his raspy voiceeven if he had tried it thousand times before, it always went that way. His voice, although if it wasn't a smooth sound, the unwavering rawness of it was present. A mischievous smile was trying to appear on his lips. SungGyu was finally singing. 

 

One last time.

 

Their words and the dance went smoothly and still SungGyu wasn't thinking about it at all. Each step, each verse, as they appeared, they died. That was the melancholic beauty of music. Because as it was born it deceased. And this performance was dying as soon as it was blooming from SungGyu's soul.

 

If he did some sort of eye contact with his other members, SungGyu didn't know. He had been too concentrated feeling, to notice his surroundings.

 

All too soon, the change of song came with a notorious but blended arrangement. It was time for Speechless, a song that demanded SungGyu's fading talent, but he still opened his mouthtrying to enjoy each wordand let it flow. Yet it didn't last long. At some point his voice got rougher, almost silent. The panic instantly invaded his nervous system, coldness making his body stiff and it was then that another voice went in; another voice that gently accompanied his. WooHyun had sang along. It wasn't covering his but actually going along with it. It was supporting SungGyu's now feeble voice. SungGyu didn't catch the other's eyes, only a soft smile.

 

SungGyu felt the bliss and the pain. He felt the aching in his sore throat but the instant healing in his voice. He could feel it, how his body was quickly getting heavier yet he managed to find strength from deep inside. His will to continue performing. He found the force to smile and go on, to lift his head and keep his wavering confidence. But his arm still hurt, his legs were still heavy and his throat was still aching. He was sweating more than he had ever.

 

Either way, SungGyu was giving his all.

 

Too soon the music went lower as the cheers from the crowd swallowed it. The public was happy with the given performance, their loud shouts making SungGyu's heart ache in realization. This was it. Their performance in Bangkok was finally over. Approximately eight minutes that had turned into five seconds. 

 

Was this going to be his last song?

 

Maybe it was the overcoming emotions but SungGyu found it impossible to move when the lights went off for a second time. He just stood still on his last pose; with one knee on the floor, knee that didn't stop from trembling. His body felt too heavy to stand up and his arms hurt too. Apart from that he felt the lack of air in his lungs. It was really hard for him to breathe. Because he couldn't inhale properly, because the simple action created a horrible pain in his throat.

 

Someone had touched his back, SungGyu had felt it but he wasn't able to lift his gaze. His eyes that had gotten used to the darkness fell again into its spell turning everything black.

 

 

Gasping for air was SungGyu's first reaction, his eyes opening wide as the shock invaded him. He could feel his body trembling as if he had experienced a sudden gale. His orbs that had been set on a white ceiling drifted slowly to the walls that surrounded him. The first thing that came to his view was a table filled with bouquetstulips, lilies and orchidsstuffed animals of different sizes and colours and above them, bright cheerful balloons. Next to all those gifts, standing tall, an object he was already used to see. A bag of antibiotics.

 

Yes, he was in a hospital room.

 

And this was certainly not the first night he had spent at the busy place.

 

Letting his frustration out in form of a sigh, SungGyu reached to his forearm so he could cautiously scratch his itching skin. The bluish catheterthis time placed on his right armthat invaded his skin made it uncomfortable for him. He had never hated his thin veins so much until those days.

 

Between heavy tears and several interruptions, SungGyu had heard from SungJong that he had pretty much fainted when the lights went out for their performance. He heard too that the program's staff had moved fast so few people had been able to catch what had happened on stage, still, Korea's entertainment media was now invaded with news about his health. He also heard from his managers that after his scene he had been taken immediately to the hospital where the korean speaking doctor was resident. Yes, SungGyu remembered perfectly waking up at the foreign place, a small but private room connected to some machines and next to him, his good old friend, the antibiotics. 

 

As soon as the doctor gave him green light to fly back home, everything got prepared for SungGyu to go back to Korea. There had been no time for him to reach the dorms or his parents' place. Infinite's leader had been brought immediately to another hospital from the airport to get interned by Dr. Kang. The doctor had to be sure the idol was okay, as okay as a sick person could be.

 

SungGyu hadn't wished to be visited by anyone after he got inside the hospital. He wasn't willing to see his friends or s. No one except his family since they had been there even before he arrived to the institutioneven his brother in law who SungGyu barely knew thanks to his overpacked schedule ended up there next to his sister. His mother had been the most present during those long days. He was thankful for her presence but he didn't feel that happy about it. Not when he was looking like that; pale and sick, stuck on a hospital bed waiting for his voice to be taken away. The worst moments were when his father went to visit. Because in those few hours he was able to see his father giving him that look, the look that showed all his worries. Worries for his only son's future. They had fought a lot and SungGyu had suffered a lot. Done everything in his power to be a singer just to be set up on an inescapable trap. 

 

SungGyu felt like an idiot in his family's eyes.

 

He was one. 

 

The dream of his last memory before collapsing was too present in his insides so SungGyu was feeling high with it, making him get the same sensations he last experienced before blacking out; the only real one was the aching in his throat. The pain surely wasn't like before but just the sensation managed to rip open his heart reminding him that the hours were passing andif things went as the doctor hopedthe day of his planned surgery was just around the corner. The infection he had gotten in Thailand was a strong one so he needed to be treated for it to lower the inflammation, if not, the surgery couldn't be executed.

 

 

If things went smoothly, SungGyu had three more days and his voice could be gone.

 

A soft sigh perked in the silent room bringing SungGyu back from his thoughts. It was then that he found out he wasn't the only one in there, at his left, close to his hip were dark locks of brown hair resting above the white bedsheets. They were slightly messyfree from any productcovering the face of their owner. 

 

There was no need for SungGyu to see the other's features to know it was WooHyun. 

 

His position wasn't comfortable, not even to the view. His upper body resting on the patient's bed and the bottom on the cushioned yet firm chair while the middle kept hanging on the air. SungGyu was sure he was going to see the younger singer complain during the day about his aching body. Just the thought painted a nostalgic smile on his lips before he found frustrating the fact that he couldn't see WooHyun's face. His abused arm moved on it's own before SungGyu was able to think about it but he never reached the locks of hair. His fingers were centimetres away from the idol's fringe but he found it impossible to move. He didn't want to touch WooHyun.

 

For the past days he had been interned, the members had gone to visit him. In small groups of two, three or separately. At the beginning they just went for an hour or a bit more. They took a seat close to his bed and they would just sit, not really carrying a conversation with him; because they knew SungGyu wasn't that thrilled with their presence to even continue a small chat. Still, the guys had been there, helping if it was necessary and being polite to his family members. 

 

Things weren't good between him and the younger idols but now he was able to give them a snorted smirk whenever they appeared in front of him.

 

Time is needed to heal.

 

So yes, everyone had been showing up but it hadn't been until yesterday that WooHyun had knocked on his door. Unlike with the others, SungGyu instantly spoke to him. He made it verbally clear that he didn't want the younger idol to be there but WooHyun acted like a deaf person carefully closing the door after him.

 

The piercing look SungGyu gave him seemed nothing as the younger didn't hesitate in his movements. His steps, although slow, were firm, and just like DongWoo or MyungSoo had done before, he took a seat on the chair beside his bed before crossing his legs, his head tilted to the side, his dark eyes set on him.

 

SungGyu narrowed his gaze, uncomfortable with the other, before he let go of his body to lay on the bed. His attention gone completely to the multiple gifts he had received from the people that had visited him. It was funny how WooHyun's simple presence always managed to be stronger than the one of the other members in SungGyu's eyes.

 

"...see? You always do whatever you want..."

 

After a while SungGyu found himself talking again. Was he really trying to push WooHyun away, or was he trying to make him talk? Either way, unlike what he believed, the common self-defense answer never came. Nothing came from the singer's lips.

 

SungGyu still remembered how the sound from the air purifier almost drove him insane. He remembered that sound just like he remembered the sudden touch on his catheterized arm. Gentle and warm, WooHyun's long fingers had danced on his pale skin massaging the abused zones before setting on his hand creating an empty sensation in SungGyu's stomach. He remembered that feeling well, just like he remembered WooHyun's soft voice breaking the sour silence between them. 

 

"I know I'm not good... I understand, but still... let me say with you."

 

He remembered perfectly those words, the feeling they carriedSungGyu could still hear them inside of his headjust like he remembered the gentle promise that had been whispered to his ear hours after, when he started to fall asleep. 

 

"I won't leave you again, Hyung... I won't..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

From the shoe-filled entrance to the end of the long hall, his eyes kept roaming around the social area where his dormmates were scattered. SungYeol was sitting indian style on the left side of their largest sofa, spot that he had claimed his ever since they moved to that new apartment. On the other side of it DongWoo was sprawled, looking up at the ceiling with his arms behind his head. He wasn't watching the TV like he usually did on a free day; he seemed too busy in his own thoughts to turn it on. In the kitchen was Hoya, making some subtle noises as he brought out cold barley tea and other stuff to their dining table.

 

They were going to eat soon and like the older koreans they were, they had sent their maknae to bring them their fast food.

 

After their promotions abruptly ended in Thailand, the directives had decided to give Infinite the chance to go back home, to rest and get ready for the future news. They had never thought twice about sudden vacations but somehow none of them felt like going back home. Waiting at their parents' places seemed an agonizing idea. Going back to their towns and act like nothing was going on seemed an impossible thing to do.

 

Just like SungYeol had hated being at his place after the scandal, it seemed the other members were fearing the same thing. SungYeol knew how it felt like to be alone at those times. Sticking together with the other memberseven if it was unsaidwas somehow healing for their uncertain souls.

 

"MyungSoo-ya! Mind answering your phone? SungJong doesn't remember your order," Hoya voiced from the kitchen's door frame before having a zombie like idol walking by the hall to reach for the dancer's handphone. As he snatched it the visual waltzed lazily around the messy garden of sneakers, his eyes barely able to be kept open.

 

A soft smile covered SungYeol's lips before he caught himself in the act, quickly he blinked the expression away.

 

"Tell him to hurry! I'm hungry!"

 

DongWoo's loud voice suddenly erupted startling him a bit. His hyung's hungry cry made Hoya roll his eyes.

 

"Ten minutes, Hyung. The store's two blocks away," Hoya crossed his arms at the rapper's desperation as he leaned on the door, his eyes abruptly meeting SungYeol's. The contact lasted nothing as the dancer quickly evaded his gaze.

 

Ever since they came back from Thailand, HoWon had started to act strangely around him. If SungYeol had to name the actions from the slightly older idol, he would say Hoya was bluntly evading him. The only explanation for it was that something had happened in the foreign countryapart from SungGyu's sickness.

 

Lee JungYeop had been the one in charge to give him the news about their leader's health, updating him with the diagnostic and what was going to happen next. As he heard it all, SungYeol felt their CEO was blatantly playing him a prank, after all, he had been too nervous and out of himself since his future court date was coming soon but as time passed, and as the director's face remained with a sad veil, SungYeol understood it wasn't a joke. Still, laughing at the understood situation was the first thing he did. How else could he react to it? Crying solved nothing.

 

While he had waited for s to come back from Thailand, SungYeol kept wondering about his leader. How was SungGyu feeling? What was he thinking? Their leader's sickness was sort of unpromising for the group, but SungYeol couldn't stop feeling worried for SungGyu, the one that loved to sing the most.  

 

He had tried plenty of times to talk with the others just to get some news about their leader but none of them said much.

 

"SungYeol," Hoya's voice called the named's attention moments before he leaned out from the kitchen's entrance. "Mind helping me?"

 

Well, that was something he didn't expect.

 

"What is it?"  He asked as he stood up. Hoya said nothing but made a head movement to make SungYeol following him into the kitchen. DongWoo, who saw everything shared a look with him before shrugging. 

 

Wondering what was it that Hoya wanted, SungYeol reached the kitchen just to see Hoya opening the fridge. A quick glance was given his way before the shorter idol hunched. 

 

"Are you ready for tomorrow?" He asked while waving a tupperware out in the air, instantly SungYeol reached for it placing it on the small edge. Right. SungYeol's court date was tomorrow. He had almost forgotten about it. Almost.

 

This time, if things went well, this was going to be the last one.

 

"No one's ever ready for that kind of stuff, Hoya," SungYeol said sincerely before getting another set of tupperwares. Believing those were enough to carry to the dining table, he turned around to leave but he was suddenly stopped by the arm. The contact surprised him a bit.

 

"Wait."

 

Hoya's voice was low, his grip not letting go of his slim wrist. SungYeol blinked, waiting for the other to keep on talking, but the dancer didn't he just looked at him in the eye. Out of the blue, he sighed before standing up. His gaze set on the things SungYeol was carrying, his hand still holding his wrist.

 

"Things will go rightand you know you've got everyone's support," listening to Hoya tell him that was encouraging, so SungYeol smiled gently. It had been a while since he had seen the dancer act like that with him. "And that includes me. I got nothing against you."

 

Although he didn't understand the real meaning of Hoya's words, he nodded.

 

"I know," SungYeol smirked seeing their manly member act that way. Their main dancer could act cute too. "Don't sweat it too much."  

 

Hoya exhaled as he let go of SungYeol's wrist. "I might have acted like a towards you but that wasn't my intention."

 

Tsking at the memories, SungYeol rolled his eyes. "Yeah, you were a ." He affirmed Hoya's words backing a bit just in case the older reacted but he ended up bumping into someone.

 

"I would say , but 's okay too."

 

From when? SungYeol didn't know but MyungSoo was right behind him. When the slightly shorter male walked forward to give Hoya his mobile, SungYeol caught the boyish smirk Hoya shared with MyungSoo. The image was slightly nostalgic to SungYeol who suddenly found his hands empty. Without a word, the young visual had taken the tupperwares from him. MyungSoo's unreadable eyes created a hopeless smile on SungYeol's lips and before he knew it, he was following the younger male out of the kitchen.

 

"Yeol?" Hoya called making him turn around. Now what was it? "You don't have to hide from us. Not anymore."

 

 

 

 

 

 

What seemed a yellowish smashed vegetable pudding, a small cup with steamed apples and an abundant bowl of porridge. His sharp eyes kept staring at the three dishes on the red tray that was in front of him. That was supposed to be his breakfast. And that was certainly something SungGyu wasn't craving to eat. Well, in fact, SungGyu hadn't been too willing to eat, at all.

 

Food wasn't cheering him up now.

 

"Well, at least the pudding doesn't look like Flubber," WooHyun tried to encourage him but it only made SungGyu exhale in annoyance before letting his back hit the inclined bed, for the enth time his gaze setting on the window from his personal room.

 

"You have to eat something, Hyung," DongWoo's voice was firm before some rustling was heard. Too soon a spoon had been placed close to his mouth. "This one tastes about right." 

 

Dodging the food, SungGyu smeared with his fist the pudding that had managed to stick to his cheek.

 

"I don't feel like eating," he said pushing away WooHyun's hand that held a napkin. 

 

SungGyu's voice was like sand. It was softer than before because as expected, the medicine had made wonders with the infection. He was quickly getting better but that didn't mean he was getting healthier. With a raspy voice or not, with symptoms or not, SungGyu had to do his surgery. Going back to that hell in Thailand was something he wasn't willing to experience ever again.

 

"Should I bring you something to eat then?" WooHyun wondered out loud getting a shocked look from DongWoo.

 

"It's not that bad. And it's sent by the doctors."

 

"Dr. Kang has no clue whatsoever about food." 

 

"WooHyun-ah..."

 

After that both kept silent. They noticed how once again SungGyu was ignoring them, his eyes were outside of the room, set on the sunny morning that he was missing. Like always, SungGyu hadn't wasted his energy trying to kick them outwell WooHyunsince he knew there was nothing he could do about it. He was stuck in bed and people did pretty much whatever they wanted in the hospital but him.

 

"You guys," after some minutes SungGyu started, his attention still somewhere else. "DongWoo, do you know when will the group start working on the repackaged album?"

 

"Hyung..." the rapper whispered while the singer snorted.

 

"You think we're gonna do that when you're stuck in here?" WooHyun frowned getting a blank look from SungGyu before he turned to DongWoo. Once again, he insisted to get an answer.

 

"You must have started talking about the new songs for"

 

"There won't be a repackaged album."

 

"What...?"

 

SungGyu couldn't believe DongWoo's words.

 

"We'll do nothing until you and SungYeol come back," DongWoo said gently but firmly as he leaned to the bed, letting his crossed arms rest on it. "We all decided on it. The directives and everyone is okay with the decision made."

 

SungGyu looked down at DongWoo's eyes from under his eyelashes as he rememberednot that he had ever forgotten. Somewhere in the city SungYeol was having what could be his last trial. He had spoken with their inactive member earlier that morning, wishing him the best and giving him some careful words. Anything he could do to make SungYeol feel supported by him. SungGyu had believed he was going to be there for SungYeol after Thailand but things didn't go as he planned and now he was stuck there.

 

SungGyu had hoped to be there, not for , but for his friend SungYeol.

 

"You should've gone," SungGyu said after a while. He didn't need to explain for the other members to understand what he was actually saying.

 

"Well, I already gave him all my support before coming here," WooHyun started pulling his legs to his chest. Sitting on those visits' chairs for more than an hour was hell. "And I told SungJong to text me everything. And you know how SungJong's when it comes to texting." 

 

At that SungGyu couldn't help it but look up at the vocal who then held a surprised smile.

 

"We'll know right away, Hyung," he chuckled happy with the sudden attention from the patient. Intoxicated by the news, SungGyu felt like smiling too but he quickly forced himself to a serious expression.

 

"Still. That's not the same as being there," he said regaining his composure. DongWoo just shook his head gently as the oldest went on. "It's not too late for you to go there. You could grab a cab and"

 

"Hyung," DongWoo interrupted him for a second time before a stupid grin covered his face. The expression causing a frown on SungGyu's forehead. "SungYeol is conscious of my support but I need to make my leader conscious of it too."

 

Although SungGyu opened his mouth, nothing came out from it. What could he say to that sudden confession? SungGyu was taken aback by it. His eyes opening wide as a warmth sensation invaded his chest. The words and the interested look both members were giving to him made him feel not only awkward but embarrassed so he turned to where his get-well gifts were set and pressed tightly the covers to his body, covering it from the others' gazes. 

 

"You better tell us if SungJong texts," SungGyu murmured moments later. As on cue, an affirmative sound came from WooHyun accompanied by a cheerful chuckle from DongWoo. 

 

 

 

Time is needed to heal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Grimada
Just so you know... I'm almost done with the last chapter :3

Comments

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mistymountains 193 streak #1
Nice story!
carlosmarquez1990
#2
Congrats on getting featured!
crossing_by #3
suddenly i just remember about this ... and re-read it again in 2018 ...
hope you well author-nim ^^
hansichul #4
I cried so hard the first time I read it and cried equally as hard if not more the second time. It was amazingly written.
hansichul #5
I loved this story and I honestly cried a lot too haha
211295
#6
Congratulations
lalelulelo09
#7
i read this fic maybe around 2 years ago? It's really good. I'm happy this fic got featured because that's what it deserve. Congrats, authornim!
lucky_s
#8
Congrats :)