CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE:Resignation

 

 

They weren't supposed to be there. They were supposed to be on their way to the opening ceremony. They were supposed to be relaxing themselves in the van; WooHyun worrying about his hairstyle with SungGyu telling him continuously he still looked ugly, while DongWoo listened to his 'pre-schedule' playlist at the back, having SungJong groaning loudly every two minutes as he played car games with the other members. So there's where they were supposed to be, inside the SUV. Not there, inside a hotel room. Not there, looking at their already dressed up leader who, even with makeup on, had an unhealthy mask haunting his features. 

 

"This is obviously not what we had planned," JungRyul voiced out softly before giving a quick look at every idol present. 

 

After WooHyun ran away from the interview it didn't take long before he was found by JungRyul in the leader's bedroom. The manager had held a desperate expression that in seconds turned into pure frustration. Having an idol running away in a foreign country isn't an enjoyable experience for any manager - he let WooHyun know it the worst possible way. Soon after that, Geonam got informed of the found member and in no time the group was reunited in their Thai Hotel. 

 

None of the managers' action had been planned - they hadn't even talked to the higher people in the entertainment agency - but between them they decided it was the best. That was the reason why the members were locked there, watched by JungRyul while Geonam left to a private place. Sooner or later someone had to inform their superiors. 

 

"We are already behind schedule but looking at your faces and all the fuss that's been going on..." The words released by the manager were vague and so their destination, still SungGyu had an idea of where they were heading. 

 

The inevitable.

 

"It's not my place to say this so, SungGyu, tell them," JungRyul's order sounded more like a plea in his ears. "I'll give you some time. Do it quick."

 

With a last look directed at the group, the manager left the room. When his gaze met SungGyu's, he knew it had been an actual plea because JungRyul had seen him before. His manager saw him ignore all those timid Hyung?'s said by the younger members when they arrived. He saw the stoic façade that made it hard for the others to approach him and specially he saw how coldly he had acted towards WooHyun when he found him in his hotel room.

 

Yes, SungGyu was well aware of that.

 

He couldn't help it but exhale from his nose when he felt it, how the member's orbs were carefully set on him. Every now and then some glances between them were stolen. The present members were all sitting, wherever they could - near the bathroom door, on the clothes-filled chairs, on the messy beds or the dressing table - in the room with awkwardness constricting them. SungJong was the closest one to him, having taking the seat opposite to him on the same bed.   

 

"Jong-ah," SungGyu said gently after a moment with his sand paper like voice, leaning slightly to the front - his voice making the others' expressions sourer. Instantly, the maknae raised his gaze, eyes sparkling with surprise. Yeah, he surely was the youngest. "Thanks for last night." 

 

He hadn't forgotten the look on the maknae's eyes, how young and scared they had seen. He might have not noticed then, in the moment, but the image got perfectly carved in his mind. SungGyu's conscious didn't let him feel at ease, he felt bad for giving the youngest member that experience. At the same time he felt grateful, it didn't matter that SungJong denied it by shaking his head and lowering his gaze. His cheeks gaining a light shade of pink in the process. 

 

"Sorry," the youngest member whispered, causing a soft smile on his leader's lips.

 

Even if SungJong had been the one leaking the information, SungGyu didn't feel angered by it. Unlike his usual self, he now believed it was something that was bound to happen, it was no one's fault. Also, he found no right to be mad at SungJong because of that slip, not when he had taken care of him and had been there, just there, with him. That was more than SungGyu could ask for. 

 

He wasn't someone that asked for much.

 

"...Hyung?"

 

After a moment, a timid voice called him. It was as careful as the expression on DongWoo's face whose back was slightly hunched. MyungSoo's attention flashed to the rapper as he looked at him from under his eyelashes, believing he was going to keep on talking but it seemed DongWoo wasn't planning on doing that. The careful gaze SungGyu received from DongWoo and the others told him it was him they were expecting to talk.

 

SungGyu wasn't so sure what they wanted him to say. Where they even aware of everything? Sure they had a slight notion of his health - because of SungJong and his revealed voice. But did they know about his diagnostic? And what about the surgery? What had JungRyul expected him to tell the younger members when he told him to 'tell them'? Well, whatever he had to say, SungGyu didn't want to.

 

The actual reason, he couldn't find it. He had held too many feelings back then but now, now he just felt weird. Tired and sad. 

 

"Two weeks ago I went to see Doctor Kang," SungGyu began slowly, his attention back to the big window in the room. Life had been easier hours ago. "JungYeop-hyungnim had asked him to make me some health examinations. The usual ones... only my results weren't that usual."

 

The fact that s were paying full attention to him right there was frustrating. Their expressions, their attentive silence, why were they like that until then and not weeks ago when he started with all the symptoms? But, at the same time, wasn't SungGyu at fault? Him being the one pushing the others and not wanting to let them know? He had firmly thought he needed no help or care from the others - even their CEO had told him to keep it for himself for the time being. SungGyu had believed he had responsibilities as the leader and he couldn't let the others see his lacking - his weak self - yet his eyes had always lingered longer than usual on the younger males, hoping to see something... 

 

"There's this, this thing—a fistula, inside my throat," a soft what? slided from the room's other end - SungGyu couldn't blame MyungSoo, he hadn't believed it himself before. At the begining he had strongly believed it was all a big lie, a prank from his CEO and doctor to cheer him up, maybe, but as time passed he learned it was no lie but an ugly truth. Accepting it had been hard. It was until he travelled to Thailand that he started to be resigned. "This thing is hurting my vocal chords and my health in the process. Like right now."

 

From the corner of his eye, SungGyu saw WooHyun's figure shrink on the chair close to the bathroom's door. MyungSoo, that was sitting on the dressing table, leaned forward to catch a glimpse of the older's visage. Both their faces had lost a considerable amount of colour.   

 

"We didn't know..." Hoya murmured looking a bit embarrassed at himself while DongWoo lowered his vision. It was obvious they weren't taking the news that well. Not even SungJong who now had trouble controlling his itchy eyes. 

 

"Of course you didn't," there was no sarcasm in SungGyu's words. He wasn't looking to call their attention, he wasn't in the mood for disputes. His body still ached. 

 

"You should've told us, Hyung."

 

The moment those words left SungJong's lips SungGyu made eye contact with WooHyun yet quickly it got broken - shame and regret were eating the singer alive. If SungGyu hadn't been feeling unwell he would've laughed at the situation, or even the moment to burst on them but not that day. He had done it once with WooHyun. It had been enough.

 

Ignoring was the best thing he could do then...

 

"I can get medicated to try control it but it doesn't mean it will get any better—heck, it hasn't gotten any better," SungGyu smiled sadly at his own situation. Feeling pity of his hopeful old-self. Finally, he was going to say it. "There is no option but to remove it so I can get better. The thing is, I can lose my voice in the process..."

 

Since their debut Infinite had received several different news. Some had been good and others not so much. Most of the time it had been their managers, mainly Geonam, the ones telling them the news - like their scandals, MyungSoo's past relationship to SungYeol's latest scandal - and other times it was their CEO - one of the most shocking news had been Woollim's merge with SM. Yet none of those news had ever created the sepultural silence the hotel room held.

 

“After we go back to Korea I will get scheduled my surgery.”

 

 

 

♫

 

 

The sky had dark shades of gray, threatening intensively to cry what it hadn't that morning. Even with the menace people were outside, standing with their prepared umbrellas and raincoats to see the celebrities that were arriving to the named place. There were cameras everywhere, flashes already stealing the international stars' souls. The delicate mixture of languages flowing in the press spot while the reporters fulfilled their job. It was a special evening for the entertainment industry.

 

From two foreign cars, after the doors were opened unevenly, Infinite appeared in front of the media - their charming and cool expressions being photographed the moment they went out of the dark vehicles. Gently, with quick and precise movements, the idols fixed their impeccable suits before they moved from the arriving set to get their pictures taken. There was a protocol for this certain events and the group wasn't that unfamiliar with it.

 

Minutes, it was what it took for them to get their pictures taken in front of the propaganda screen. SungGyu had leaded the other five active members out of there to the next destination. They barely communicated, a look was enough for them to know what to do next. At least, the media understood it that way.

 

A short interview was made to them, interview that was going to be aired live all over Asia. The topic was mainly about their feelings and what they were wearing. All this translated real time by another international celebrity host. WooHyun had answered the most, followed by Hoya. MyungSoo was made answer a few times. The rest kept quiet.

 

Things were going smoothly - if something ever happened, their two managers were right behind them.

 

Following their race's order policy the group was set, rather quickly, on their guest place close to the stage. Infinite was sat next to MissA and some rookies who were enjoying the bliss of sudden popularity. The ambience was rather cheerful - too many cameras surrounding them - and the idols made short conversation between them and the closest groups. It was all just to keep on track with the hoobaes, to get acknowledged by the sunbaes but mainly to kill the time before the big show started.

 

With a quick announcement the special program finally started.

 

There weren't too many problems - some little mishaps that weren't noticeable to the normal eye and some stumbling with the hosts' words all thanks to the chinese and thai translations. Other than that the transmission was flowing smoothly. The programming was going as accorded so half an hour later, the members of Infinite were moved to the prepared changing rooms where their stage clothes and makeup artist were ready.

 

Quickly they got changed with no wardrobe malfunctions so far; everything well sewed, no missing buttons or holes on the fabric. Their makeup was quickly retouched so the idols were just there, waiting, ready to perform.

 

While they were waiting, from all the SMS they got, a special one arrived to everyone's hand-phones. It was from SungYeol wishing everyone a great stage and for them to not miss him so much followed by a picture of him half scragging DaeYeol at what seemed was their  parents house's living room. Their tallest member had reassured them before he wasn't going to miss the program, not when that was the only way he was able to support his group. 

 

"Always mistreating DaeYeollie," SungJong clicked his tongue as he replied to their missing member getting a snort from Hoya before the dancer turned his eyes to the quite small room, setting them on MyungSoo who was still looking intently at his iPhone's screen. The look on his face, unreadable.

 

 WooHyun was gently smiling, his gaze lingering to his mobile. 

 

"The perks of having little brothers," DongWoo grinned obtaining an affirmative yet absent noise from the two youngest members.

 

Carefully, SungGyu looked at the sent photo to their kakao group. In it, SungGyu noticed how seemed quite at peace. Even if SungYeol was never going to admit it, his little brother had a special way to make him feel better and SungGyu was happy for him. Unlike the other members, SungYeol's smile was true. Maybe it was because he still didn't know. 

 

After he told the others his diagnostic, the younger members tried to slowly reach out for him. Give him small chats or careful comments on their way to their programmed schedule. SungGyu saw how they tried to act like usual in the van - like before all the mess they got in - and how they did some gestures that were flattering to him during the entrance ceremony, all of them looking after their leader. There were no sorry's said but SungGyu hadn't expected them to do a ninety degree bow or excuse themselves for not noticing before or even asking. That wasn't their style. That wasn't Infinite. Yet that didn't mean it was okay—oh no. It was far from it. 

 

After the truth came out, SungGyu thought that was going to be the end of it. That the others were going to change their attitude, not for him, but for the group. But he felt uncomfortable being there with them. He hated their forced actions to make things go back. The pink elephant was still in the living room and SungGyu had made nothing to point it out. He might have decided to say nothing, for he wanted to have a good day - even with his awful morning - so he was trying hard to ignore.

 

He was.    

 

"Does SungYeol know about your sickness?"

 

It had been quite brave - or plainly stupid - from WooHyun's part to ask that question and he was so aware of it his words came as cautious as they could. The way the question came, it was obvious WooHyun was testing the waters, trying to see how was his leader going to react. One thing was talking all alone with SungGyu and another completely different one was while having the other members surrounding them, so SungGyu only shook his head. 

 

"Shouldn't... shouldn't we tell him?" SungJong popped the question innocently turning to their leader gaining a confused frown from their visual.

 

"I don't think doing that right now would be a smart idea, SungJong."

 

"MyungSoo's right," DongWoo added making their maknae flush in embarrassment. Before SungGyu was able to intervene, the rapper continued. "It's not a matter to be said on the phone, I guess... either way. Hyung, why didn't you tell us sooner? I just don't get it."

 

And DongWoo was being sincere in his question since his voice held no hidden feelings or sarcasm. The confusion was real because DongWoo wasn't able to find a coherent answer to his question. SungGyu then remembered, all the stealing glances he had received after revealing the news. They finally made sense to him. Those lingering gazes that he supposed were regret. How had he even imagined that? They still didn't know.

 

"I-I just—"

 

Wait a minute.

 

Was he being seen as the distant one? 

 

"JungRyul-hyung did say it was all CEO-nim's order," WooHyun said after the pause got prolonged too much. His eyes meeting SungGyu's in search for approval but he just frowned not liking the answer. At the beginning it might have been that way but that wasn't all. No, there was a lot behind of that. Had he turned s that blind?

 

"Whatever, it's okay," HoWon made a hand gesture proving he didn't mind. Slightly twisting his neck, he turned to look at his leader, his expression was warm. "We'll be there for you, Hyung. You know that, right?" 

 

Did he? Did he know that? He knew plenty of things but it seemed the only ones that had no clue whatsoever were s. The way Hoya expressed himself made it clearer making SungGyu's insides twist with displease. This wasn't how things actually were. This was the distorted way the younger members saw it.

 

His thoughts of ignoring it all got evaporated the moment DongWoo added with his usual goofy smile. 

 

"You don't have to push us away anymore."

 

That was it.

 

He couldn't keep on going that way.

 

"Won't you all stop?" SungGyu finally spoke while narrowing his eyes. He was pressing tight his fists taking a deep breath, his sandpaper like voice making him stand out in the improvised room. Everything in his position showed the discomfort he carried. The grimace on his face getting darker with his faintly unhealthy façade. "How am I supposed to know that, Hoya? How when you were the first ones to push me away."

 

His words had surely taken the others by surprise. And SungGyu's almost drowned conscious made him think he shouldn't be feeling that mad because yes, they had no reason to see it coming. Why? Because SungGyu was the responsible one. Because SungGyu always took all the blame. Because SungGyu was their leader. Because SungGyu was always the one and they never were. But that was it. No more.

 

From then on SungGyu wasn't going to keep on doing that.

 

"You, my own members pushed me away, jumped over me and my decisions."

 

He was going way back to where everything began, to where those little nothings slowly but surely turned into all that big mess they were in. Their distrust, their secrets, their pain and the present individuality. 

 

"We just tried to help," it was DongWoo the first one to defended their actions.

 

"Help?" SungGyu repeated incredulously before exhaling sharply. "Help, you say? You were too busy looking only at SungYeol to see everything!" He ignored the itching feeling in his throat as his voice went louder. He had to let them know. And he had to let all go. His body trembled but his words were steady. His mind clear with everything he had to say. "Jang DongWoo, you pulled to whatever sides not focusing on what's important, and that includes you, Hoya. You stopped looking after the group the moment you started doubting and pressuring SungYeol."

 

HoWon looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "I just wanted—"

 

"What? Get him back on track?" SungGyu raised his eyebrows at his own sarcasm before changing his expression completely. "Don't you know we're the only ones that can support him?"

 

"So you knew it all along..."  The questions had hit Hoya straight in his conscience. 

 

"I'm sure we all do but you were too focused on it to even notice that!" Slamming one hand on the plastic table, SungGyu rose from his chair suddenly changing his attention to the contrited visual. If he was going to diss the rappers and their actions he was going to give a piece of his mind to MyungSoo too. "And you. Stop bottling yourself up. If you've got something to tell me, say it for 's sake! Just don't keep it to yourself and walk away!"

 

"SungGyu, SungGyu-hyung, please, don't shout..."

 

The voice was feeble yet it carried a gentle reminder of their present, of SungGyu's reality. He was still in their changing room, minutes to go up on stage. He wasn't supposed to be bursting up but the situation had called for it. SungGyu was too high on his emotions so he instinctively glared at WooHyun for breaking his trance. He wasn't going to snap at him for he had told him enough at the hotel room.

 

Suddenly he got well aware of the bothersome sensation invading his neck. Raising his voice had aggravated his condition. SungGyu had to take his time to breathe deeply and take control of himself. He could notice his hands trembling while his vision started to gain clarity. All this and his accelerated heart proved how unstable he was feeling at that moment.

 

Yet that wasn't all he had kept inside.

 

"There weren't many... but, do you know how many times I wondered about telling you?" his voice wasn't as loud as before but his glare made it seem as he had screamed at them. One by one. "You never gave me a chance. None of you."

 

That was it. What was hurting deeply SungGyu, because SungGyu wasn't mad, he was just hurt. He always gave the younger members a chance but they never gave him one. There were just interests from their part and now that he had needed them they were blinded by their own thoughts. Busy with what their thought was important for them to see.

 

He wasn't asking for much, was he? 

 

Shoving the truth at the their faces wasn't as enjoyable as he had first thought. Not at all, because the moment he acknowledged the truth to them he let them see what he was hiding. His vulnerable state. The side of him he didn't like to show. SungGyu was the strongest in the group, but right then he didn't felt like it. He felt like he was getting stripped in front of them. SungGyu had opened the wound for them to see and he hated it.

 

His heart was feeling heavy as he dried quickly the traces of his weakness. 

 

"One last thing, guys. Don't you dare this up," SungGyu lastly said before walking out of the room. Their performance was about to start.

 

 

 

 

Ranting Zone,

Whoa, I never thought I was going to be able to finish this chapter.. there are too many emotions in here. Too many things were kept unsaid but at the same time there were lots said. I had a hard time thinking how SungGyu was feeling, really, like, he changed his mind seven times in just one day (I had been writing this chapter ever since I finished the other, I promise!). There was a mixture of everything inside of our dearest leader, he wanted to give up but at the same time he didn't... I hope you can all understand him, and the members too. No one is really at fault. Also, excuse me if it doesn't really make sense.. I haven't proof read it all, just small bits.. if you see some weird stuff just ignore it.. I promise I'll go back and read it again but I'm too tired mentally and I just wanted to give it to you guys.

This is the most dramatic chapter... and I guess the last one in here..  See you guys in the next chapter.

One last thing, thank you for all the updates and newest subscribers, even if you just arrived it's okay! You're all welcomed.